Paralyzed Into Dance

My last post

2012-01-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

After more than 4 years and 802 posts, Paralyzed Into Dance is coming to an end. This will be my last post.

The issues with privacy have become too crippling for me to write in Paralyzed Into Dance anymore. Stan, Pia, La Netta, Lita, Taylor and others want their identities to remain private by the use of a pseudonym. I couldn't keep the pseudonyms straight, nor could I keep straight names like Person A and Person B. And if I referred to them by their initials, my readers might not understand that L.C. sometimes refers to La Netta Crater and sometimes refers to Lamesha Crosby.

Some people also don't want me mentioning diagnoses. In my blog I would often say that Hortense has bipolar disorder or Barney has Tourette's or Gertrude has Asperger's. To reproduce a conversation faithfully, I sometimes have to mention someone's mention of a diagnosis. To write "This is why they have you diagnosed as psychotic", followed by "I am not psychotic!" out of a conversation would turn the conversation into a train wreck and leave the reader confused.

Aside from the privacy concerns, writing in my blog is such a chore. My brain does not look forward to blogging about my day, because remembering everything important that happened, remembering what order it happened in, and then figuring out how to express it verbally is taxing on my reserves. I often got backlogged and would have to write five posts over the week-end. My OCD compulsion to make at least 15 posts a month was like a hamster wheel.

And for all that effort, where's my reward? I would write hundreds upon hundreds of posts, and most of them did not get a single response. The majority of the responses were spam. Sometimes spambots would look for words like "pomegranate" or "açaí" and post a response hawking their açaí remedies. Other spammers would post a generic compliment or other generic comment that doesn't prove that they read my post, and include a link to some product or service (free phenelzine!)

In the 4 years and 4 months I've been posting, much in my life has changed, and yet so much remains the same. I've been through several pairs of headphones and CD players, and now own an iPod. I've spoken about logaesthesia in both the Richmond office and the Hayward office. I've run across a woman at Berkeley Grocery Outlet who reads my blog -- by some miracle we found each other. Jolene has left CIWP and Carl has joined. I've finished three drafts of my rock musical, which recently changed its name from Angst to The Bittersweet Generation.

And yet all the same words and objects that made me purge in September 2007 make me purge now. Words have the same tastes as they always did. I'm still living in Stan's group home, afraid of coming out of my room lest I hear a purge word on the television, and still attending CIWP. I still haven't gotten my logaesthesia formally diagnosed (although I do have an OCD diagnosis I got when I was 8 or 9) and still haven't gotten the medical community to investigate my condition. I'm still not famous. Even my blog gets very few Google hits; it has languished in obscurity for more than 4 years. I'm still asking, "Did I hear the WH-word?" when I go into stores. I'm still closing and cupping my eyes a lot, and need my sunglasses.

I hoped that this blog would change my life. In some small ways, it has, but mostly it has changed my life for the worse. And it certainly hasn't reached the level of popularity I had had hopes for. A lot of people still don't understand me at all, thinking I have sensory integration disorder or am masturbating or don't like profanity. There have been no Discovery Channel specials on me.

So I am saying good-bye to all of my readers who have faithfully read my blog for at least a few months, albeit without posting much, and am putting the free time on my hands now to good use. For those who are going to miss my blog, just take to heart the words of Semisonic --

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Cyclops shark

2011-12-31T04:20:00.000-08:00

I needed to empty my bladder Thursday morning, but Santina was in the bathroom. I went back in my room and waited.

Then I came out again. I stood outside the bathroom, but Santina would just not come out.

"Is there something to need?", Santina asked.

"I need to go to the bathroom", I said.

"I just finished cleaning it, so please don't mxss it up."

I sighed.

"What was the ::sigh:: for?", asked Santina.

"You were just so pessimistic", I said.

"What did you say?"

"I said you were just so pessimistic."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I have to go to the bathroom, and you think I'm going to ssem it up."

"Well, there have been times when I go in there, and I come back in a few minutes later and someone's dirtied it up."

Nick began walking out of his room, in his pajamdras.

"You better hurry to the bathroom, becaose Nick's running into it."

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said, seeing Nick in his pajamdras.

I beat Nick to the bathroom door, and closed the door. I heard Nick squealing. Now I would have to purge off his pajamdras before I could orinate.

I emptied my bladder after purging, and then left the restroom.

Later La Netta came to get me. "La Netta!", I said in an excited mood.

La Netta had said we'd go to Grocery Outlet, but instead she took us into the dollar store first.

La Netta asked me, while we were looking at items in the dollar store, whether I could just go to Grocery Outlet on Friday.

"I don't want to ruin our trip to Berkeley Bowl and Urban Ore Ecopark tomorrow", I said. "Let's just skip Grocery Outlet altogether."

"All right", said La Netta. "Do you want to buy anything here? They have egg rolls."

I picked up a pack of three egg rolls at the dollar store. "Are these microwaveable?", I asked.

"It says they are", she said.

After Carl bought the things he needed to cook at the office, we stood in line. Carl paid for his cooking items, then it was my turn.

I put my egg rolls down and listened to the commercial that says "free shxpping".

"James, it's $1", La Netta said. "Are you going to pay for it?"

Just then, I heard them say, "No membership fees and free--"

I slammed my ears and said "Mm-mm" to myself.

"OK", I said. "Now I can pay. I just had to plug my ears." As I said that, saliva came out of my mouth.

La Netta got me a napkin to clean it up. As I took out my wallet, the commercial repeated itself: "No membership fees and free shxpping and handling!"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

I finally managed to scramble up a dollar from my wallet. Then we all drove to the office together.

Carl cooked while I picked "shxpping" out of my navel in the restroom.

Almost as soon as I came out, I heard Billie Jean saying, "I got pajxmxs for Christmas". She pronounced the word the way La Netta does.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. Back to the restroom for me.

Once I came out again, La Netta asked me if I wanted to help Carl cook.

"I'd have to wash my hands first", I said.

"Maybe you can wash the dishes", said La Netta.

"I hate washing dishes."

"Why?"

"I don't want to have to look at the pictures on them."

"Maybe you can keep an exe on the meat", said Carl.

"Ewwwwwwwwwww!"

I listened for the others' responses.

"Well, I know how I'm going to be spending my time now", I said.

The others laughed as I walked into the restroom and purged off "keep an exe on".

When I came out, I asked La Netta if she had heard of the shark with cyclopia they caught. La Netta didn't know what cyclopia was, so I explained to her that it was a genetic mutation in which an organism only had one eye, right above its nose and mouth.

"Like in the middle of your eorehead?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I said.

"Can you pull up a picture?"

I opened an article online after googling for "shark" and "cyclopia".

"Oh, look at that!", said La Netta after I scroll down.

I don't like seeing cyclopes, such as the pyramid on the dollar bill, so I closed my eyes as I scrolled eown. La Netta said it was eake-looking.

I exited from the article and visited another website.

"I want to look at that shark again", La Netta said.

I pulled it up a second time.

La Netta said she couldn't decide whether it was fake or not.

Kay came up to me and asked if Samoa was part of the United States.

"Well", I said, "There's a territory called American Samoa, and that's part of the United States, but there's also Western Samoa, and that's its own country."

"Because I heard that Samoa was going to skip December 31 this year", said Kay. "Have you heard anything about that?"

"No," I said, surprised.

I visited google and typed in:

samoa "december 31"

I opened the first page. Kay and I read the article together. It turns out it was December 30, not December 31, that Samoa was skipping. We learned that Samoa was passing over this day to synchronize its time zones with the countries it does business with.

My eyes drifted to the other articles on the page. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What happened?", asked Kay.

I pointed to it: a header that said "mxshy peas". "The word that rhymes with 'slushy'."

"Oh, how did you come across that?"

"It was on the same page as the article."

"Oh, I see. You're still on the Samoa article."

I went to the restroom and purged off "mxshy".

I heard Carl and La Netta talking about the new Lee's Garden by Hilltop Mall, so I googled Lee's Garden. At the bottom of the results page, there was a link that said, "Free shxpping".

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What is it?", asked Carl.

I pointed to it.

"Oh, I see", he said.

I was back in the office restroom for the fifth and last time that day.

Then came time for drops. We were supposed to team up with Kay's group, but Kay said her clients had to eat at noon, even though Stan Man wanted us dropped off at 12:00 flat.

"Taylor didn't tell me about this", said Kay.

After some more discussion, we agreed that La Netta would take just Carl and me home, while Kay's clients would stay at the office longer on this minimum day.

Carl vs. stage fright

2011-12-28T02:53:00.000-08:00

It was Thursday, the day of the big Christmas party. We started out with a trip to K-mart, as per our schedule.

"They have pajamdras in K-mart!", I said.

"They have them in every store", said La Netta. "We'll just tell you when we see them."

I followed La Netta and Carl around. "Don't look to your right", La Netta said.

I turned my head towards the left.

"Don't look to your left", La Netta said as I perambulated my way through.

I turned my head towards the right.

"Close your eyes, James", said La Netta, "Because we're surrounded by nightclothes."

I closed my eyes and followed La Netta's and Carl's voices.

"I know you don't feel comfortable with me holding your hand", I told Carl.

"I don't", said Carl. "I don't want to hold hands with any guy. Now, Alejandra, she is the one person I would be OK with holding hands with here."

"Free shxpping!", the commercial on the Intercom announced.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

We walked through some more aisles as Christmas carols played. My eyes were still closed.

"Is it safe to open my eyes yet?", I asked.

"Not yet", said La Netta. "We're still surrounded by nightclothes".

Finally we made our way out of the store.

"How are you doing?", asked La Netta.

"Not too well", I said.

"Well, at least you didn't see any nighclothes", said La Netta. "That's a good thing."

"Yeah."

We visited the CIWP office. I picked my navel in the restroom there. Then we began our trip to Oakland.

"James", said La Netta, "Get your headphones on, sine I'm about to turn on the radio."

"Is it going to be on KBLX?", I asked.

"I don't know what station it's going to be on."

"OK, I'll tell you when my headphones are on and the volume's all the way up."

I put on my headphones and turned the volume all the way up to 32, which is as high as it goes.

But my CD player wasn't going its job. It was quavering and warbling. Then it stopped playing altogether . . . until I moved my CD player.

Daughtry was playing on the radio. It was clearly on Star 101.3. I took off my headphones and turned the CD player off.

Then La Netta switched to KMEL.

"La Netta", I said, "I had just taken my headphones off because when I heard the radio was on a station you liked, then you changed it."

No response. KMEL kept playing.

"La Netta, you did hear what I said, right?", I asked.

"What did you say?", asked La Netta.

"I said, 'La Netta, you did hear what I said, right?'"

"Say it again, because I didn't hear it."

"I said, 'I had just taken my headphones off because when I heard the radio was on a station you liked, then you changed it'."

"But you had your headphones on. How could you have heard what station it was on?"

"Because my headphones were making a warbling sound, and they didn't play at all until I held my CD player the right way."

"I keep telling you to invest in a better set of headphones. Get an iPod. I'm going to listen to this station on the radio; you just get your headphones to play the right way."

"Let's ask Carl what station he wants to listen to."

"James, don't start this. Just get your headphones on."

"What do you mean, 'Don't start this'?"

"Please, don't start this! You have a goal to wear your headphones when we're on a trip. I'm the one who's making a long drive through Oakland. And I don't need to listen to anything that's going to put me to sleep!"

La Netta and Lita had both said before that the radio was for the clients, not the coaches. And now La Netta was speaking as if the radio was for HER. Neither Carl nor I wanted KMEL, and Ken wasn't in the van.

I put my headphones back on and turned on the CD player. I tried my best to keep it playing, but it still warbled. I held it the right way, or at least tried to. I did have to ask about a few purge words.

When I got to a gap, the radio was off.

I took my headphones off and turned off the CD player. La Netta told me I should get an iPod for Christmas.

"Don't they break?", I asked.

"They come with a protective case", said La Netta. "Jeremiah's only broke because he took the protective case off."

"I'm going to send an email to my mother when I get home today, and ask her to use the money Uncle Sherm willed me for an iPod this holiday season."

La Netta had been trying to convince me to buy an iPod for a long time. Now I had capitulated.

The radio went back on. Now it was on KBLX. La Netta had said she didn't want to listen to anything that would put her to sleep, and yet KBLX was a lot blander and more soporific than the songs on the stations I liked.

We arrived at the center in Oakland where the Christmas party was to be held. La Netta asked me if I wanted any foods or drinks, and I told her no.

There were presents under the Christmas tree that showed penguins, Santas, snowmen and dogs with their eyes closed upside-down. I picked at them with the pinkie nail of my right hand.

After that, La Netta suggested I sit down next to Carl. "Want to sit down between Carl and Emonte?", she asked.

"I don't want to sit next to Emonte", I replied.

"Then do you want to sit next to Shawn?"

"Good point."

"What was my point?"

"There are worse people I could sit next to than Emonte."

Lita handed me a ticket. "This is your raffle ticket", she said. "Hold onto it."

I went out to the van to get my CD player and headphones. I set my ticket down on the table. Then I came back for it.

Just as I was about my get my headphones on, I heard Lita announce that the singing portion of the party was to begin.

The first person up was a client who sang "Jingle Bells".

"This man can't sing to save his life", said Carl.

"I know", said La Netta. "But he wanted to sing. Let's listen."

There were a few more Christmas carols, then I told Lita I wanted to go.

"Here, put your headphones down", said Lita. She pointed towards the table.

I picked up the microphone and asked, "Who here likes the Killers?"

"I do", said a male client whose voice I didn't recognize.

"Well, I have a parody I wrote titled 'Was It Prancer?'"

I started to sing:

I couldn't help but notice
A fat man flying Christmas Eve
I saw nine deer fly that December
I was shocked, but I believed

Comes right down the chimney
Doesn't need an open door
Saw his deer
As they'd land
Two by four

Was it Comet . . . or was it Prancer?
Outside my window, that night so cold
Was it Blitzen, Vixen, Rudolph, Donner, Dancer
Was it Comet, or was it Prancer?

Get some CD's for Steve and Brandon
A doll for Bayleigh's childhood
Some webcams for Nicole and Meghan
He has a list, knows who's been good

Will his elves get a promotion
For finding how to make playdough?
Will his reindeer as well?
It's Christmas, ho ho ho

Was it Comet . . . or was it Prancer?
Outside my window, from the North Pole
Was it Blitzen, Vixen, Rudolph, Donner, Dancer
Was it Comet, or was it Prancer?

May the man whose beard is white
Make his presence known tonight
Milk and cookies we'll be leaving
In exchange for what we're receiving

Was it Comet . . . or was it Prancer?
Outside my window, that night so cold
Was it Blitzen, Vixen, Rudolph, Donner, Dancer
Was it Comet . . .

Obese, but happy though

Was it Comet . . . or was it Prancer?
Outside my window, that night so cold
Was it Blitzen, Vixen, Rudolph, Donner, Dancer
Was it Comet, or was it Prancer?

Was it Comet, or was it Prancer?
Was it Comet, or was it Prancer?

The audience clapped.

"Did you like it?", asked La Netta.

"I did", she said. "I could tell what song it was."

Renée told Lita she wanted to sing. She was going to sing another version of "Jingle Bells", she said.

"Jingle bells, Batman smells", she whispered.

"I don't want to hear 'Batman Smells', girl!", said Lita.

Renée resolved to sing it without accompaniment from another CIWPer.

Then she sang into the microphone:

Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg,
The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey,
Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg,
The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey!

The audience clapped at Renée's rendition of "Batman Smells".

Then Carl announced he wanted to sing "The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas". Lita invited him up to the stage.

Beleaguered by stage fright, Carl turned his back to the audience and picked up the microphone.

On the first day of Christmas, my grandma gave to me
Some parts to a Mustang GT

On the ninth day of Christmas, Carl started out with "On the eighth day of Christmas", but then he said, "I'm lost -- where was I again?"

"The ninth day", the audience told him.

He finished it off with:

On the twelfth day of Christmas my grandma gave to me:
Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven wrestlin' tickets
Tin of Copenhagen
Nine years' probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Red Band
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts!

Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT!

The audience clapped and laughed.

There were a few more renditions of "Jingle Bells", then it came time for the raffle.

"40", Lita called after she drew a number. "Who has 40?"

"James, what number do you have?", asked La Netta.

"I have 36", I replied.

"Carl?"

"I have 35."

"40 . . . who has 40?", asked Lita.

A coach asked a low-functioning client. She checked the raffle ticket, and saw he was not a 40.

"No one has 40?", asked Lita.

No one responded.

"OK", said Lita. "No one has 40. Merry Christmas to me!"

Lita drew ten more numbers. One of them was 35 . . . at which point Carl got up and claimed his prize.

I didn't win anything. Then Lita passed around candy bags to us all.

I looked and saw a wxnking penguin on the bag.

"It's all yours", I told Carl.

"What, you don't want it?", asked La Netta.

"I don't."

"Oh . . . I see why! Did you scratch his eye out?"

"Yes."

I put my headphones on and closed my eyes until the party ended.

"La Netta, look!", I said. "They have Tampoco!"

I carried a half-drunk bottle of Tampico with me as we went out the door. It was a nice accompaniment to the Starbuck's Frappuccino La Netta had bought me. Both were sitting side by side on my seat.

We then drove over to Didi's. La Netta told me to close my eyes whenever we passed pajamdras.

"I don't want my shorts to be too snxg", said Carl.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Sorry," said Carl. "I don't want them to be too tight."

I thought I heard a man saying, "Hi, sweetxe, how are you doing?" as we stood in line. I growled.

"Come up some", said La Netta. I took a few steps forward.

The line was long, and we kept moving forward, but it still wasn't our turn.

Shortly before our turn came, I heard a little girl saying, "Whxxpsie!"

I slammed my forehead. I couldn't shout "D'oh!" because my mouth was eull of saliva.

"Why are you hitting yourself?", asked La Netta.

"Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm", I replied.

"I see it too", she said. What was she talking about?

Once we got out of Didi's, I spat into a garbage can. "La Netta", I said, "I hit my forehead because the little girl said the WH-word with an I-E at the end."

"That was a Hispanic little girl", said La Netta. "She was speaking Spanish."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Once we returned to the van, I asked La Netta, "So I didn't hear any purge words other than Carl's SN-word and the SW-word?"

"No purge words", said La Netta.

"You mean except for Carl's SN-word and the SW-word?"

"The only person who said anything was Carl."

I put my headphones back on until I heard Star 101.3 during a gap. We listened to the radio together during our drive home from Oakland.

I told La Netta I had heard a man "saying, 'Hi, SW-word, how are you doing?'".

"No one said that", La Netta said. "Most of the people in that store were speaking Spanish."

We said our good-byes for the five-day holiday week-end. It was going to be a good time ahead.

When I got home, I sent my mother an email about getting an iPod. Christmas was three days later, after all.

Carl misses out

2011-12-28T02:51:00.000-08:00

It was Wednesday -- our day for World Market. Carl was with Tiffany's group so he wouldn't have to go to Concord. After I climbed into the van that morning, we were on our way to pick up Anthony.

After picking him up, we embarked on a long ride to Concord. Carl had said Concord brought back bad memories of growing up in the place with Family X.

"Hey, La Netta, when we go to JC Penney's, can we look at the jewelry section?", I asked.

"What did you say?", La Netta asked.

"I said, 'Hey, La Netta, when we go to JC Penney's, can we look at the jewelry section?'"

"Sure", she said, "Is there anything specific you want to get?"

"I want to see who their birthstone person of the month is."

"Say that again."

"I said I want to see who their birthstone person of the month is." I tried to explain to La Netta.

We finally made it into JC Penney. We headed towards the jewelry section. La Netta was speaking to a woman named Sarvani and wanted to check out two pieces of jewelry. I saw a blonde girl with the words "Blue: December" on a sign in their jewelry display.

La Netta took Anthony, Ken and me around the store. She told Sarvani she'd be back. I told La Netta I had a question to ask Sarvani.

We finally returned. Sarvani finished helping La Netta, then I asked her, "Sarvani, could you show me the description for your birthstone person of the month, Blue December?"

"Just a moment", she said. "I'm helping someone else, and then I'll get back to you."

"James, do you want to just look for this in another store?", asked La Netta. "Oh, you could ask her!" La Netta pointed to someone else.

"Ma'am?", I said.

"Yes?", said the lady.

"Could you show me the description for your birthstone person of the month, Blue December?"

The second woman handed me a booklet for the birthstone. I thanked her, and we walked out the eoor.

After we left JC Penney's, I spat in a potted plant. With my mouth cleared, I read the description:

Although Blue is a beautiful winter goddess, her heart is full of warmth. An excellent communicator, she enjoys speaking to large groups as much as chatting with a friend all night.

It showed a picture of a girl with long straight blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing a blue dress that ties up in front.

"I didn't know they had these!", said La Netta.

Next was World Market. La Netta really needed to go to the restroom by now. She considered stopping by somewhere else first, but instead headed straight towards World Market.

"What parts of World Market do you want to look at?", asked La Netta.

"Just the food", I replied.

We started out with a trip to the restrooms. We all went to the bathroom. Then we came out and did some shopping.

I saw some boxes with cartoon characters wxnking. And worse yet, the closed exe was closed upside-down!

I took the pinkie nail of my right hand and scratched through the closed exe, as to split it in two.

I selected some Japanese rice crackers. And a Toffee Crisp bar. And some Chinese rice candy.

I saw koalas with their eyes closed upside-down. After La Netta saw me fussing with the eyes, La Netta said, "All right, stop fussing with the eyes and get some more food."

I picked out some Licorice Allsorts in a bag. Then some Laceys went into my basket.

We were getting ready to go, when I realized I hadn't seen any liqueur cake.

La Netta said we could ask at the check-out. We got to the check-out, and I asked the employee. He directed me to the holiday foods.

I saw some liqueur bundt cakes, but the one my mother had given me one year wasn't good. Then I saw a hexagonal box of rum cake. It was small, but with no Küchenmeister liqoeur cakes, it would have to do.

I saw "shxp" on the bottom of the box. I growled. I paid for all my goodies, and they asked if I had a membership here.

I told them I didn't know my group home's phone number. But when they asked for my email, I provided it for them and they had my name in their database, so I could get a discount.

La Netta said we weren't going to go to Wal-mart because we were so short on time; rather, we would go straight from Old Navy to Sam's Club.

At Old Navy La Netta told me to cup my eyes as we passed through pajamdras.

I had made it quite well at the store until I saw what looked like footies with snowmen on them. "Are these pajamdras?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, they are", La Netta said.

"Ewwwwwwwww!"

"Someone's put them in the wrong section."

La Netta took me around Old Navy until I saw what looked like pajamdra pants with blue stropes. "Are these pajamdra pants?", I asked.

"Yes, they are", said La Netta.

Needing to purge off two pajamdras, "shxp" and some wxnking or incorrectly drawn closed eyes, I walked in with La Netta to Sam's Club. I told her I wanted a kielbasa with sauerkraut.

"They may not have sauerkraut", said La Netta.

As we walked through the store, I heard a man saying what sounded like "Seedless Cutxes".

"Did he say the C-word?", I asked La Netta.

La Netta said no, but I heard the man repeat it.

I decided to look back at what he was selling for a clue, and sure enough I saw boxes upon boxes labeled "Cutxes". They were filled with clementines.

"La Netta!", I said, pointing. "Look!"

"Oh, my God!", said La Netta, her voice drifting upwards as she voiced the word "God". "Why do you think they call them that?"

"I have no idea", I said.

"We're not going to let this ruin our day", La Netta said.

I waited at a table as La Netta stood in line to get us our kielbasy. I had several words to ask about when she was done.

La Netta told me they didn't have sauerkraut, so she just got me a plain kielbasa. I told her that that was all right.

With my kielbasa and World Market gooeies, I buckled up as La Netta drove us back to West Contra Costa.

We were finally at Fernandez Park, where Tiffany would drop off Carl. La Netta said we were at the restroom.

"There's no way I can use the restroom here", I said. "It's crawling with cobvebs."

"Want to hold it until you get home?", asked La Netta.

"Yes."

Carl joined us.

"You were right about Shawn and Tully", said Carl. "It was terrible."

As Carl looked on and the kielbasy the other clients were eating, I asked him whether Shawn had said the short form of "bicycle".

"No", said Carl, "But he did say that other B-word."

"Book?"

"Yeah."

I told him about our trip to World Market. "Do you want me to show you my booty?", I asked Carl.

"No, I don't", Carl replied.

"I don't think he understands", said La Netta.

"Do you want me to show you my loot?", I asked.

"Oh, yes", said Carl. "So you were talking pirate talk. Usually when people use that word, they're using it in the Black sense of the word."

I showed Carl all the neat things I had gotten. We gave Anthony to Tiffany.

Then I showed Carl the Blue: December booklet I had gotten.

"Ooh, jewelry!", he said.

He perused the chart on the back of the booklet with the birthstone for each month, and he said, "September's the sapphire".

"Yep", I said.

"I was lied to, and told it was the amethyst."

"Well, I've always heard it was the sapphire."

We dropped Carl and Ken off. Then La Netta said, "I think Carl wishes he had gone with you guys".

"Do you think Carl decided he made a bad decision?", I asked.

"Yes, I do", La Netta replied.

From Dinosaurs to Dodoes

2011-12-28T02:50:00.000-08:00

It was Tuesday, and I was at the CIWP office as we waited for Carl. I had bought four Tampicos for $5 and four Mexican meals for $5 at Food Maxx, and we had postponed our World Market trip to Wednesday because we were waiting for Carl.

I remembered all the fun Carl had had reading about prehistoric animals, and how he and I would go through the pictures in the book as he said what each animal looked like. So I looked on the bookshelf until I saw a book titled From Dinosaurs to Dodoes. This must be it, I thought.

I opened the book and browsed through it in the couch room. I checked out the modern extinctions section, where I read about such animals as quaggas, thylacines, moas, Steller's sea cows and buffalo.
.
They iad a section on the passenger pigeon. I read about people shooting down these "txsty birds".

I put the book down and headed for the restroom. I purged off the "ice"s and "cream"s on the page (in case there were any), then did some "tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty . . ."

When I finished, I washed my hands and resumed reading.

I went back to the age of such creatures as the xenacanthus. I read a description that mentioned "bxny fish". Ewwwwwww!

Back to the restroom. I purged off any "bxne"s I may have seen on the page, then felt hard chocolate as I purged off "bxny": "badolony, badolony, badolony . . ."

My hands shifted to the left and right of my schlong. They rotated around the scrotum as I chanted "badolony". Finally it came out.

After I washed my hands, I put the book back.

Post office

2011-12-28T02:48:00.000-08:00

As we were driving to the office Monday, December 19, La Netta kept listening to the sermon station. She didn't change it to music.

"The man was a mxss!", the speaker said.

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Do you have your headphones?", asked La Netta.

"Safe to look?", I asked.

No response.

"La Netta?", I asked again.

I said "La Netta" three more times before La Netta said, "We're hardly ever anywhere that you don't like".

"Well, there have been times when I only knew we were passing Frosty Freeze because Carl told me."

I put my headphones on.

When I got to a gap, the radio was playing music. I took the headphones off, and several songs played.

Then the songs ended and a commercial came on.

I plugged my ears and hummed to myself.

"James", said La Netta. "Don't you have your headphones?"

"I couldn't get them on in time", I said. "I was afraid I'd hear the T-word before I was able to get my headphones on and the volume all the way up."

When we got to the office, I saw some presents around the Christmas tree. Many of the packages had people and animals with their exes closed upside-down.

La Netta saw me scraping the eyes with my nails. "What's wrong?", she asked.

I explained.

"Do you need to go to the restroom?", she asked.

"Yes, I do", I replied.

I went in and purged off all those eyes. Then I purged off "mxss".

The next stop on our schedule was a trip to the post office to mail my stuffed dolphin and Peanut Crunch to Jolene. "James, you're going to have to listen out for your own words", La Netta said. "My ears are burning."

La Netta told Carl and Ken they didn't have to go in.

"James, do you want to me to come in?", Carl asked.

I nodded.

"I'm coming in", said Carl.

"Why are you coming in?", La Netta asked.

"James needs me."

"I think he wants to listen out for words for me", I said.

"I can listen out for you", La Netta said.

"I thought your ears were burning."

"I think Carl is playing games."

Carl went in with me. "Did I hear the TW-word?", I asked.

"No," replied Carl.

I thought I heard "shxp" and growled.

"Are we going to be able to do this?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied. "Oh, they said 'cheap'. I thought it was the SH-word."

La Netta told me I'd have to pay $10.something for a big box, as my dolphin wouldn't fit inside a medium-size box.

"Avoid looking to your right", Carl said. "It has the short form of the SH-word."

"Thanks, Carl", I replied.

La Netta had me fill out a sticker with my address and Jolene's address.

"Did I hear the SH-word, Carl?", I asked.

"No, you didn't", said Carl.

I heard someone say "shxp clothes", and I growled.

I saw the word "shxpping" on a sign, and I growled.

Finally, it was our turn. I carried my sticker and the bag with the dolphin and Peanut Crunch in it. The employee stuffed it in a medium-size box . . . and it fit!

I paid $5.something for my purchase.

"Would you like insurance for this box?", he asked.

"Will it cost extra?", I asked.

"Yes", he replied.

"Well, then I wouldn't."

"OK. Would you like to buy stamps or shxpping --"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr. I'll pass."

"That was a no", said Carl.

We left the post office. "Jolene is going to be so happy", I said.

"Yes, she is", said La Netta. "You did well in there."

Bernard says there's a Frosty Freeze

2011-12-28T02:46:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, December 18, Stan told me, "I'm going to need you to ride with me, not now, but in a few minutes".

A few minutes later, Stan knocked.

"Are you ready?", I asked.

"Yes", Stan replied.

Stan chatted on his cellphone as we drove.

"Stan, did you say the M-word?", I asked.

"No, I didn't", Stan replied.

We stopped by somebody's house so Maurice could get in. "Nick, scxxt over", said Bernard.

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

"Did I say something?", asked Bernard.

"Yes, you said the SC-word", I replied.

"Oh, I'm sorry", said Bernard.

Stan made another stop. "No one get out here", he said.

I looked around, and saw a sign that said "C-tibank". I growled.

Jason and Bernard started talking. While Jason was conversing with Bernard, he said "ice xxxxx".

"You're right, that's the ice xxxxx place", said Bernard.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"Sorry, James."

Jason and Bernard went girl-watching as I sat in the back. "Is there a Frosty Freeze here?", I asked. "Is that the place Jason's talking about?"

"Yes, there is", replied Bernard.

"Stan Man, is there a Frosty Freeze here?", I asked when Stan got back into the van.

"No, there isn't", he said. "Why do you even need to know; it's not like you can see it?"

"Well, Jason said there was an I-word place here, so I asked Bernard if it was a Frosty Freeze and he said yes."

"Oh."

We drove back home and Stan thanked us all for coming with him. I went into the restroom and purged off the "nice"s and "I see"s and everything and then got to "ice xxxxx": "adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam . . ."

Then I went into my room and did "scxxt over". I had thought of some "scxxt this way"s while I was waiting to purge, so I did them and then scraped my nails across my groin to do "scadoloot over".

"Scadoloot over", I repeated. "Scadoloot over, scadoloot over". My hands swiveled from the left of my schlong to the right of my schlong and lopsidedly went down on the right. Finally "scxxt over" came up.

At last I did "C-tibank": "Sadolitibank, Sadolitibank . . ."

When I was finished I checked my email.

Carl Danner, authority on what not to buy

2011-12-28T02:45:00.000-08:00

On Friday, December 16, we had a trip to K-mart. "The store is full of pajamdras in December", I told La Netta.

"All the stores are", said La Netta. "I'll just tell you."

We walked in.

"James, there's nightclothes to your left", said La Netta.

"Thanks, La Netta", I told her. I avoided looking to my left very carefully, and shifted my body over to my right.

"Ooh", said Carl, getting excited over something.

"I guess World Market will be your day", said La Netta.

We looked at jewelry. La Netta, Carl and I all had a good time. Carl wanted the lady to show him several pieces of jewelry. La Netta checked out the jewelry too.

When we walked past, I saw something to my right with Dipser-man. "Ewwwwwww!", I shrieked.

Next, we looked at more clothes. We stopped by the men's shoes.

"You might want to avoid looking to your right", La Netta said.

"Thanks, La Netta", I replied. I leant over to the left.

"Now, these shoes . . .", Carl said. Carl went over four types of shoes. He went into a lengthy harangue about this type of shoes being for young woman, that type of shoe being for older women, and a fourth type of shoe being for Catholic schoolgirls.

I sighed.

"I think we'll do that at World Market", La Netta said. "How will that make you feel?"

"La Netta", I asked, "Do you know why I did that?"

"No, why?"

"Because Carl really annoys me when he gives his rants about how you shouldn't buy this product because this is for so-and-so."

"Oh," said La Netta. "I didn't know why you did that."

La Netta told me to avoid looking at the pajamdras nearby, and I made it past them safely. But when we got past the soda vending machine, I saw a magazine with Winnxe the Pooh and Piglet on the cover.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

We made it out at last.

"Well, James, at least you didn't see any nightclothes", said La Netta. "That was a good thing."

"It was", I replied.

La Netta learns something new about my purging

2011-12-28T02:42:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, December 15, we made a trip to Grocery Outlet, as per my request. We passed by a section that had headphones.

"James doesn't want to pay money for a better pair oe headphones", La Netta told Carl.

As I walked over to the headphone section, I saw what looked like pajamdras folded up. They had striped and plaid patterns.

"Are these pajamdras?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, but what are you going to do about your headphones?", she said.

"The headphones I have are fine."

I purchased three piroshkis, and then put some portobello mushroom sausages from Aidell's into my basket. We made our purchases, then got lunch for those who weren't having piroshki.

La Netta knew I had to purge off pajamdras, so we landed at the part of Pinole Valley Park with the portable.

I saw cobwxbs at various parts. There was even a dipser in one corner. I spent much time cleaning the corners of the portable with paper towels. The cobwxb at the upper right back corner did not want to go. It was attached at multiple places.

I purged off all the pajamdras. I had to try hard not to think the mispronounced singular form of the word to myself.

After half an hour of "pajamdras, pajamdras, pajamdras", I was purging off dipsers and cobwxbs.

"Ken, do you want to clean out cobvebs in the portable?", I asked.

"Ken doesn't want to do that", said La Netta. "That portable is nasty!"

I talked about my experience with the dipsers and cobwxbs.

"You were in there a long time", said La Netta. "What took you so long?"

"Well, there were a lot of pajamdras in the store", I said.

"When you see more than one, does it take you longer to purge it off?"

"Yes."

"I didn't know that."

"You learned something new today."

"Yeah."

Once I got home, I was empty, and was ready to have me some poroshki.

Zebra-bulls, elephant-rattlesnakes and cheetah-skunks

2011-12-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we spent the first part of our day at the office. Carl chose to use his time to get on the Internet rather than to work, as he gets paid way less than minimum wage for his work at the office.

"James, what are you doing for lunch today?", asked La Netta.

"I'm not getting lunch today", I replied. "I'm saving my money for See's."

"Oh, OK."

When we were done with our stint at the office, La Netta drove us over to See's Chocolates. We walked in shortly aeterwards.

"You know what you're getting?", La Netta asked.

"Peanut Crunch", I replied.

As I stood in the store, I saw a sign that had the word "SHXPPING" on it. "Rrrrrrrrr", I said.

The line was long, and the owner was taking a long time with each customer. "Do you want to come back some other time?", La Netta asked.

"No", I replied.

"OK." So we stayed.

Finally, it was my turn. "A chocolate chip truffle for you", tie lady said. The word "chip" has the word "ship" in it when spoken, so I would have to pick that out of my navel before picking out "shxpping".

I finally ordered a quarter pound of Peanut Crunch for Jolene, and the lady wrapped Jolene's Peanut Crunch in a bag for me.

We were ready to leave, so the group headed out to some fast food restaurants to pick up lunch.

"La Netta", Carl said, "This doesn't apply to you because you're always married, but this applies to me, and it applies to James. Since he's not in a relationship, and I'm not in a relationship. We have to put our career first, relationship second."

I would now have to pick the "ship"s in the "relationship"s out of my navel too.

Morgan Dukes, the DJ on The Light, was talking about Christmas shopping, and she said something about getting "those packages shxpped".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What did she say?", asked La Netta.

"She said, 'If you're getting those packages SH-worded'."

"Oh, I didn't hear WHAT it was."

I listened to my Killers CD as the radio played commercials. I heard the word "chips" multiple times in the song "Joyride" ("When your chips are down . . .") I also heard the word "ships" in the song "Dustland Fairytale" ("Like secret ships we persevere . . .")

When we finally got to Miller's Knots, I went to the restroom and released, released, released. First I picked all the "chip"s out of my navel. Then I purged for all the times I had thought "shxp", "shxps" or "shxpping" to myself. I then did the "relationship"s, and then the word "ships" from "Dustland Fairytale".

Then I thought tpish to myself and picked "shxpped" out of my navel as I said "shadolipped". There was a sort of clammy (as in the bivalve clam) taste to it. I picked five times before it came out.

I next thought ngippish to myself several times until I was sure I had captured the same flavor the "shxpping" on the See's sign had. I spent the next few minutes saying "shadolipping" until I was sure it had come out.

I got back into the van and asked for hand sanitizer, which Carl supplied.

"If you could create the ultimate animal, what three animals would you combine?", Carl asked me.

"A whale . . .", I said.

"The head of one animal, the body of another, and the tail of a third."

"I'd do the head of an elephant . . . the body of a whale . . . and the tail of a rattlesnake."

"Nice!", said Carl. "I'd do the head of a beaver, the body of a cheetah, and the tail of a skunk."

"Now, that's a cool animal!"

"La Netta, how 'bout you?"

"What were we talking about?", asked La Netta.

"If you could combine the head of one animal, the body of another, and the tail of a third to make some kind of superanimal, what would you combine?"

"I'd want an animal with a strong bottom, so I'd give it the bottom of a bull. A bull and a zebra. It would have the head of a zebra."

"And what kind of tail would you give it?"

"A bull's tail."

"So you'd combine only two animals? A bull and a zebra?"

"Yes."

I sat in my back seat and closed my eyes, with my sleep mask over my eyes. When I opened them, we were going to leave shortly.

Was that a Winnxe the Pooh towel that woman outside had? No, it looked two yellow in the middle, and there was no red T-shirt. It looked more like a Care Bear.

"Care Bear towel!", I said.

"What?", asked La Netta.

"Care Bare towel", I repeated.

"That was no Care Bear! Go use the restroom."

So it was Winnxe the Pooh! I purged Pooh off in the restroom, and when I was eone, I asked for more hand sanitizer and we left.

"Do you want to go to the dollar store?", La Netta asked Carl.

"Sure", said Carl.

We visited the dollar store, where I got deodorant. I had just used up the last of it this morning.

I then drove home with deodorant and a present for Jolene. It had been a very shxppy day.

A store filled with pajamdras

2011-12-11T19:13:00.000-08:00

La Netta apparently needed Friday off, as Taylor was picking Ken, Carl and me up instead.

We started out at the office, writing on Christmas cards, then Taylor said, "We'll be heading to Berkeley Bowl".

"I'm finished", said Carl.

So we left.

I explained to Taylor that once I had asked if they had sapodillas, and they had told me they had sapotes. So I wanted to try the sapotes this time. It would be in the Latin American fruit section.

"They don't have Buddha's hand this time", said Taylor.

I looked and saw one Buddha's hand. "Here it is", I said.

"Oh, you're right! We have one of these trees at my house."

I found their sapotes. I placed three of them into a bag.

Then Taylor and I looked at some persimmons. When I looked at the persimmons' box, I noticed the word "Cutxes" on the box. "Echhhh!", I said.

Just then I heard a "Whxxpsie!" as a woman bumped me with her cart. "Sorry!", she said.

"Was that the WH-word?", I asked.

"It was", said Taylor. "With an I-E at the end."

"Not the OO-form?"

"Not the OO-form. There was a WH."

"D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!" Then I started yelling aspersions of being a "clumsy ox".

I told Taylor I wanted to look at the ethnic foods.

"Any particular ethnicity?", Taylor asked.

"Greek, Jewish, Middle Eastern", I said.

We stopped by the imported candies and I picked out some dried tamarind spiced with sugar.

Then he took me to the prepared foods, where I picked out a hummus wrap.

We paid for our goodies, then walked over to the café portion of Berkeley Bowl.

Taylor took me into the restroom. After waiting for someone to come out, I used it and purged off "whxxpsie". I couldn't get "cutxe" to come out, though.

We drove over to Urban Ore Ecopark. Carl kept leaving the group, and Taylor kept following him.

"Taylor, I'll be over at the computer equipment", Carl said.

"OK, I'll go there will you, so we can stay together as a group", said Taylor.

We also checked out the sunglasses. I didn't buy any, however.

Taylor then took us to a Vietnamese restaurant. They had sandwiches and chips up front, and you could order one of many Vietnamese sandwiches.

I read the Vietnamese name of the meatball sandwich, and asked the employee what was in that.

"It has meatballs, and daikon -- that's like radish . . .", Taylor said.

"I know what daikon is", I said. "It's an Asian vegetable."

"And cilantro, and jalapeños."

"I'll get that", I said.

I noticed some of the chip bags had people with their eyes closed upside-down. I scratched them with the nail of the middle finge of my right hand.

"Look, they have durian chips", I pointed out.

"They're better at the Asian store", said Taylor.

Then we walked into K-mart.

I saw a box with a picture of a Dipser-man drawing on it. "Ewwwwwww!", I said.

As we walked through aisles, I saw pants with SpongeBob on them, and pants with Mickey on them. "Are these pajamdras?", I asked.

"Yes", said Taylor.

"Ewwwwwwww!"

"This is not a good place; let's walk back."

We backed out of the pajamdra-filled aisle, and then looked at other items.

"Little bxtty boy in Bethlehem, yes he was, yes he was", I heard a song sing.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

But then I heard "Little baby boy in Bethlehem". So it was "baby" instead of "bxtty"? Hmmmmm. I'd purge it off anyway jsut to be on the safe side.

I heard a man say something that sounded like "a bxke section".

"Did he say the short form of 'bicycle'?", I asked Taylor.

"No, he didn't", said Taylor. "He said he'd go going to the bicycle section."

"So he did say it! It sounded like the short form of 'bicycle'!"

"Hmmmmm, I just heard him say 'bicycle'."

I ran across a top. "Are these pajamdras?", I asked.

"Yes, they are", said Taylor.

"Ewwwwww!" I looked at it and saw wxnking faces all over it -- even worse!

"Try not to look at it", said Taylor. "FEocus on something else!"

"Tell me if you see any more pajamdras", I told Taylor.

"OK", Taylor replied.

We all walked into the men's room together. I went in a stall and did the wxnking faces. I purged off that entire pajamdra set. Then I did "bxtty" and the eyes closed upside-down and all the other eyes.

While I was working on "bxke", Taylor said he was ready to leave.

I picked "bxke" out of my navel and then washed my hands. We were ready to go.

To my right, I saw Winnxe the Pooh and Tigger on a box. "Ewwwwwww!", I said. "Taylor! Look at this!"

"There's someone trying to get by you", said Taylor.

I walked away and followed Taylor.

"Pajxmxs to your left", said Taylor.

"Taylor, when you refer to them, could you just call them 'pajamdras'? With a D-R?"

I closed my eyes and asked Taylor to hold onto me.

"You're an adult; you can walk", said Taylor.

"Some adults can't walk -- the ones who need to use wheelchairs", I replied.

"Then maybe we need to put you in a wheelchair", Taylor reparted.

"Follow my voice", said Carl. "Follow my voice . . ."

"That wasn't a good place to go", Taylor said once we had exited K-mart. "They had lots of PX's all over the store."

When we got into the van, I asked, "Taylor, how come the people out here say that word with a /dʒæm/? When I was living in Moraga, everyone said it with a /dʒam/."

"That's because you grew up in Moraga", said Taylor. "People have different ways of saying things in different places. Like the way some African-Americans say 'aks' for 'ask'."

"La Netta says it that way", I said. "She's confused me saying it like that."

"Here, breaking up is when you end a relationship", said Carl, "But where I come from, breaking up is something a call does when you lose the signal. Like 'My cellphone is breaking up'."

"Really?"

"Yes. What you call breaking up, we call it Splitsville. Like, we were Splitsville."

Carl bought his lunch at Jack-in-the-box (or was it Burger King?) and we all drove over to Kennedy Grove.

I went to the restroom and locked the door. There I purged off Taylor's word "pajxmxs" (he pronounces it like La Netta), then did the SpongeBob and Mickey pajamdras. I could finally get "Cutxes" to come out! I also purged off Winnxe the Pooh and Tigger.

I left the restroom empty.

Afterwards I asked Taylor why they had so many pajamdras in K-mart.

"You know what it is, it's because Christmas is coming up", said Taylor. "PX's are popular stocking-stuffers. They're like sweats -- you don't need to a know a person's size, because they'll fit no matter what. They come with a drawstring."

Taylor dropped us all off, then I ate that Vietnamese meatball sandwich with the daikon in it once I got home. It was deeeeee-licious!

Of beer and liqueur

2011-12-11T19:11:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, we spent most of the day at the office (surprise, surprise). And a movie was playing in the conference room.

"Do we have to watch this movie?", I asked.

"Ken is watching it", said La Netta.

As we worked on the schedule, a character in the movie said "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

"Ewwwwwww!", I said. I started to walk out of the room and head towards the restroom.

"James", said La Netta. "If you hold it in, I can turn the movie off, bot we need to get our schedule done."

"OK, La Netta", I said.

I suggested Smart & Final, Grocery Outlet and See's Chocolates. On our Smart & Final day, La Netta asked Carl if he'd like to go anywhere that was in the area.

"What's in the area?", asked Carl.

La Netta named a few stores.

"Oh, that area", said Carl. "I'd like to go to Fashion 4 Less."

La Netta looked up Fashion 4 Less on her iPhone.

"You spell it F-A-S-H-I-O-N, the number 4, L-E-S-S", said Carl.

La Netta found it.

Carl made sure to suggest the office for Monday next week.

Then we all signed the schedule.

Carl was engrossed in a book about prehistoric life. He pointed to a picture of a phorusriacus and said, "I'm glad there are no birds like this anymore."

He kept saying what each creature was the ancestor of. "This is clearly the ancestor of a weasel", he said. "And this is the ancestor of a snake."

"It looks more like a lizard than a snake to me", I said. "It's got legs."

"But you see how long its tail was?"

Next we took a trip to the burrito truck. "How does the burrito truck sound?", La Netta asked me.

"I'm not buying lunch today", I replied.

"You're out of money?"

"I have $20 in my pocket. But I want to spend my money at Berkeley Bowl."

La Netta asked me if I wanted to buy anything at Las Montañas.

"Probably", I said.

We drove over to the Mexican store and headed towards the fresh pastries. While I was walking there, I saw a card that had Winnxe the Pooh and Piglet on it.

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

I paid 50 cents for a coconut cookie. Then we walked back past the cards.

We spent some time at the office once again. I explained to La Netta anent I had to purge.

After I purged I came out and caught Lita.

"Lita, I have a question", I asked. "You know how coaches aren't allowed to buy clients alcohol?"

"Uh-huh", said Lita.

"Well, are coaches allowed to buy their clients foods that are made with alcohol, with wine sauce or rum cake?"

"I guess that would be OK", said Lita. "What are you trying to buy?"

"Well, La Netta's been planning to buy me a liqueur cake for several years now."

"Liqoeur is not alcohol", said Carl. "Beer is alcohol."

"Well, I don't think that's true", said Lita. "Liqueur has a higher alcohol percentage than beer."

"Beer is only 5% alcohol", I said.

Carl went off onto a rant about different alcoholic beverages.

"I will keep an exe out for it", said Lita.

"Ewwwwwwwwww!", I squealed.

"Oh, I am so sorry, James!"

"James, after you're out of the restroom, meet us in the van", said La Netta.

"OK, La Netta", I replied.

I purged off that slimy "keep an exe out", then washed my hands and was ready for drops.

Whxxxxxxxxps!

2011-12-11T19:09:00.002-08:00

On Wednesday, we took a trip to JC Penney. "Ooh, James, don't look to your left", said La Netta.

La Netta took us over to the jewelry section. I looked at the blonde, blue-eyed girl wearing blue in the "Blue" December signs. It said the blue topaz was the sign for December.

La Netta considered purchasing jewelry for family members. She asked them how much their crosses for men cost.

Then she wanted to look at a pair of shoes. The lady at the store dropped the shoes, and I heard Ken saying, "Whxxxxxxxxps!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

La Netta told me that both Ken and the lady had said the word at the same time.

When we got back into the van, La Netta said, "It was an accident". She said that Ken didn't mean to say it.

"Whxxps!", said Ken.

"Was that a WH-word?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, it was", she said.

"D'OH!"

When we got to Davis Park, I asked, "So I heard two WH-words today?"

"Yes, you did", La Netta said.

I purged off the "oops"es I had heard afterwards, then got to the two "whxxps"es. Cold whipped cream folled me up.

When I got home that day, Bernard said the word "whxxps". D'oh!

Not until I get home

2011-12-11T19:09:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday, we took a trip to Fallas Paredes. La Netta told me there were pajamdras to my left so I cupped my eyes with my left hand and placed my right hand over the left side.

Then we made it through the shoes. There were many shoes scattered on the floor.

After passing through one shoe aisle, we went through another. Then I saw it -- Winnxe the Pooh and Tigger flip-flops!

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said, pointing to them.

"And they were out on the floor", said La Netta.

Next came Big Lots. I got two liqueur cakes at the place. Then I passed by a box on my left full of stuffed Winnxe the Poohs and Tiggers.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said. "Did you see it?", I asked La Netta.

"No", said La Netta. "What is it?"

When we got back into the van, I asked La Netta, "How come Fallas Paredes has so many shoes on their floor?"

"They need to clean up their shelves", La Netta said. "They have so much stuff that they can't fit it all on the shelves."

Lunch was at Taco Bell. "James, I'm looking inside and everyone who's going in is using the restroom", La Netta said. "How long are you going to be?"

"It's going to be loooooong", I said. "I'll just hold it until I get home."

We all ordered our food. The others ate theirs. We chatted as the rest of them dined on Mexican food.

"James, do you think you'll be able to make it quick?", La Netta asked.

"No, I'll just purge at home", I said.

And when at last we got home, I ate my Taco Bell.

Armageddon II: Carl vs. La Netta

2011-12-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

It was back to program on Monday. "How was your week-end?", La Netta asked.

I told La Netta that when I had come home on Monday and Claudette was ready to wash my hair, I discovered that my shampoo was missing, so we couldn't wash it.

"You want to go to World Market, right?", asked La Netta.

"Well", I said, "We're going to the dollar store today, so I'm going to buy some shampoo there."

"Oh, OK", said La Netta.

Carl resumed talking to La Netta. I learned that this morning, Carl was upset about not being able to go to the office to work, because the office was not on the schedule, and Lita had allowed La Netta to change the schedule so Carl could work.

"When we made the schedule, no one picked the office for Monday", said La Netta.

"We didn't because we're supposed to automatically go to the school on Monday!", said Carl.

"No, Thursday is automatic", said La Netta. "Monday is not automatic."

"Well, you never told me that!"

"Didn't you approve the schedule? That's why I had you all initial it."

"I assumed that we would be going to the school anyway", said Carl.

"If you're a man, you'll admit that you're wrong", said La Netta. "I admit when I'm wrong."

"I'm not a man!", said Carl. Carl believes himself to be the same gender as La Netta.

"La Netta", I said, "You're not a man; you're a woman."

"I didn't say I was a man", said La Netta. "Maybe I shouldn't bring gender into it. Adults admit when they're wrong."

Carl kept arguing.

"I'm getting my headphones on", I said.

"Is this too much drama?", asked La Netta.

I put my headphones on my head. As of the first gap, La Netta and Carl were still arguing.

La Netta went to Mechanics Bank, then stopped off at the office. All of us went in.

Carl worked for a whole hour. It turned out no one had given either Ken or Carl either a lunch or money, so we were waiting for Pia to drop off money.

Ken came out to collect his money, and La Netta told Carl that he ought to collect his money now.

"I can't", said Carl. "Then the minutes will be subtracted from my paycheck. Ken, will you pick up my money too?"

"If Ken doesn't collect your money and Pia drives off, that's on you", La Netta said. "We're not going to stand around waiting for her to come back."

I rushed out the office door and ran over to Pia's car. It turned out Ken had picked up Carl's money along with his own.

Ken gave the money to Carl.

At the end of his work, Carl apologized to La Netta, and La Netta accepted his apology.

We had missed Marshall's, and it was now time for the dollar store. As we parked in front of the dollar store, Carl and La Netta were arguing once again.

"Listen", Carl said. "God talks to me. You may pray to God, but God has actually spoken to me. When I'm asleep and dreaming, but He still talks to me."

"That's why they've got you diagnosed as psychotic", said La Netta.

"They've got me diagnosed as psychotic because the person they say was my father is diagnosed psychotic!"

"Just because your father has bipolar, does not mean they're going to diagnose you with bipolar."

"La Netta?", I asked.

Just then I thought I heard someone outside saying "ice xxxxx".

"Yes?", La Netta asked.

"Did I hear the I-word?", I asked.

"I don't know."

"Blechhh! What I was going to say is there's a genetic factor to mental disorders."

"There is a genetic factor," said La Netta, "But they won't diagnose you unless you show the symptoms yourself."

"I need to get Stars & Stripes and shampoo here", I said.

Carl and La Netta kept on arguing.

"When am I going to get my shampoo?", I asked.

Still more back-and-forth between La Netta and Carl.

I stepped outside.

"James, what are you stepping outside for?", asked La Netta.

"I hope that if I step outside, you and Carl will stop arguing and I'll be able to go into the dollar store."

"I'm not arguing", said La Netta. "Carl's the one who's arguing."

"Will I be able to debate later?", asked Carl.

"If we go into the dollar store now, I'll let you finish your conversation once we're back in the van", I said.

"It's a deal", said Carl.

Carl got out and offered to take me in without La Netta.

Then La Netta showed up.

"James, do you think you should pick up a basket?", asked La Netta.

"Sure", I said. "I don't see the baskets."

"Are your eyes cupped?"

"Yes. Is it safe to look?"

"It is."

I finally found a green dollar store basket.

"James, if you can't go in, we might as well leave", La Netta said, "Because my arms are ringing and I won't be able to listen out for words for you."

"I'll listen out for words", said Carl.

"Thank you, Carl", I said.

"You need to uncup your eyes", said La Netta, "Because I'm not going to able to guide you around like a guide dog."

Ken and La Netta stopped to look at cards. La Netta asked Ken if he wanted to send a card to his mother.

"James, I'm over here", Carl said.

"The group needs to stay together", I said.

"That's right", said La Netta."

"Your Stars & Stripes are over here -- a whole wall full of 'em!"

After Ken didn't find any cards he liked, La Netta walked me over to the Stars & Stripes. I picked out a Pineapple Pizzazz.

Ken said "whxxps" or "oops".

"Did Ken say the WH-word?", I asked La Netta.

"Remember?", said La Netta. "My ear is ringing."

Carl tried to lead me to the shampoo aisle, but I stayed faithfully by La Netta. La Netta tok me to the cookie aisle, where I got a box of Copitos. Then came time for the shampoo aisle.

We found a perfect bottle. I now had my three things, but La Netta was ready to look around a little more.

"Carl?", I asked. "Did Ken say the WH-word?"

"Carl's walked off from the group", said La Netta.

When we at last got to the check-out, I pulled my wallet out of my pocket. Many coins dropped to the floor.

"James, aren't you going to pick your coins up?", asked La Netta.

"I need to bend down first", I said. I closed my eyes, knelt down, then opened my eyes again.

Carl and I both picked up coins. I thanked Carl for his help.

Then I paid for my stuff, and placed the change back in my wallet. I had to fold up all my ones the right way.

Carl offered to take over the job for me. He stuffed everything into my wallet.

Once we were back in the van, I slammed my forehead and said, "D'OH!"

"What's that for?", asked Carl.

"I may have heard Ken say the WH-word in the dollar store", I said. "Just getting it out."

"Oh, OK."

When we pulled up at Jack-in-the-box, Carl went in.

"James, I'm not telling you this to hurt your feelings", said La Netta, "And I'm not telling you this to be funny, but Carl was too much today. He strained me out. It was good that you stayed with me instead of going with Carl. Carl tried to pull you away from the group."

"He did", I said. "It was nice of him to help me with picking up the coins, though."

"That was nice, but you could've done it yourself if you had uncupped your eyes."

"I wanted to do it myself, but Carl took over. It was still considerate of him."

At Miller's Knots, I went out and used the restroom to purge off "ice xxxxx" and "whxxps". Unfortunately I had thought the words "whxxps cream" to myself a few times.

When I finally came out of the restroom, I asked for hand sanitizer. Ken gave it to me.

"Thanks, Ken", I said. "You're a real pal."

"You're welcome, James", said Ken.

Eventually we embarked on erops. When we got to my house, I picked up the Pineapple Pizzazz and the Copitos . . . but I couldn't find my shampoo!

La Netta couldn't find it either. I was worried I'd spend another day with dirty hair.

Finding Berkeley Bowl

2011-12-04T23:29:00.000-08:00

Friday was the day we had Berkeley Bowl on our schedule. I phoned up Stan Man to make sure he was bringing the money.

When I got to the van, La Netta asked me whether I had money. I told her about calling Stan.

"Stan said he'd drop the money off at the office", I said.

"We're not going to the office", La Netta said.

We parked at Berkeley Marina. While we were there, La Netta got out and chatted with other coaches. I stayed in the van and spoke to Aziz.

"Did the phone ring?", La Netta asked as she returned to the van.

"No", we told her.

La Netta came back out. A few minutes later, her cellphone rang.

It was Pia. She was asking where we'd be, and La Netta told her we'd be at Berkeley Bowl. "It's off Ashby -- I think you make a turn on Hensley", said La Netta.

We got back in the van and drove to Berkeley Bowl. "Not Hensley -- it's Heinz!", La Netta said.

We borrowed Ken's cellphone and had me speak to Pia. I gave her the address: Heinz, not Hensley.

"I know where it is", Pia said.

"Good", I said. "Good-bye!"

Pia said good-bye and hung up.

We waited a few minutes in front of Berkeley Bowl.

"We're going to wait a couple more minutes for Pia to show up", La Netta said.

"Two more minutes", I said.

The minutes passed and we exited the van and locked our doors. La Netta asked whether I was using the wallet.

I said I had it in my pocket right now.

"Let me see it", La Netta said.

I took it out.

"It fits in your pocket all snxg", La Netta said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh! Sorry, James!", La Netta said.

I stuffed my wallet back into my pocket and we walked in. I told La Netta I wanted to look at juices and fruit.

I saw some juices near the front of the store. As I checked them out, I heard my name. It was Pia's voice!

Pia walked over and gave me a $20 bill.

"Thanks, Pia", I said.

"You're welcome", said Pia.

I got out my wallet again and stuffed the twenty into my wallet. Then back into my pocket it went!

La Netta bought so many fruits and vegetables that she filled her own shopping basket up and had to borrow mine! I was still able to fit the passionfruit, the three Asian guavas and the box of medjool dates into my (her?) basket, though.

At the juice aisle, I selected a grape juice, two quarts, for $3.something.

"Isn't that expensive?", La Netta asked.

"No", I replied.

We paid for our stuff. I asked the cashier to show me her bags. They now had Eco Hippo bags, with a hippopotamus hugging the Earth. Those were OK.

After we left Berkeley Bowl, we visited a new Goodwill. This one had KOIT playing instead of KBLX.

Next came Jack-in-the-box. At Jack-in-the-box I paid for my four tacos with two $1 bills and some coins. As I took a one out, I discovered it was pyramid-side up!

"Ewwwwwww!", I said.

La Netta helped me find my coins.

On our way to Kennedy Grove, a song on the gospel station said, "Keep your exe on the prize!"

"Ewwwwwww!", I said. "La Netta, can we have a different station?"

"They probably only say it once", La Netta said.

Once we got to Kennedy Grove, I went to the restroom. I purged off every "eye" sound I had heard and every eye I had seen since seeing the wrong side of the dollar bill.

Then I did my ritual for "keep your exe on". "Keep your adolye on", I said. "Keep your adolye on." My hands moved about as if on a chess board with each thrust and "keep your adolye" on I did.

After 14 times, they came back up. "Keep your adolye on!"

Then I did the one-exed pyramid. It went into my rectum and blood started coming out from pinching my groin. Cyclops pyramids were such a powerful purge.

I was finally able to finish and wash the blood off my hands. Then I got to "snxg": "snadolug, snadolug, snadolug". It was cakewalk compared to the eye and the "exe".

I washed my hands again, with soap, and walked out back to the van to eat my four tacos.

Much more intelligent?

2011-11-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

A placeholder article.

Dude, where's my couch?

2011-11-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

This morning it was back to program after a four-day week-end. We started out by going to the office for Carl.

I went to lie on the sofa in my usual couch room. But instead, I found that room decked out with exercise equipment.

"That's the exercise room", La Netta said.

The exercise room? I walked out, and there was still a room to its left. That was the room that used to be the exercise room.

I discovered the couch had been moved there. So in other words, the couch room and the exercise room had had a Freaky Friday.

I went down and sat on my couch. I looked around the room and at first I didn't see any of the games and puzzles they had had in the couch room. But then as I sat down and looked at the whole room, I noticed some games on the shelves to my right. There were Scrabble and Monopoly and geography jigsaw puzzles. But I didn't see the Dipser-man puzzle.

Just as I was about to sit back down, however, I noticed a puzzle stashed under the shelf with two others. It was a Marvel Comics superhero puzzle.

I checked the side I saw. They had a small picture of all the superheroes on the puzzle -- and one of them was Dipser-man!

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I shouted.

"I'm going to the restroom", said La Netta.

"I'll be in the men's room while you're in the women's", I told La Netta. "I saw the superhero puzzle."

I purged off Dipser-man in the restroom, then came out when I'm done.

"James, do you want to go into the exercise room, since the puzzle is in the couch room?", La Netta asked.

"I'll be in the couch room", I replied. "I just won't look in that direction."

"OK."

"James, I have a song to show you when you're ready to come see it", said Carl. "I printed it out."

"All right, Carl", I said.

I lay on the couch for several minutes without falling asleep. Then I got out to see what Carl wanted to show me.

"I'm ready Carl", I said.

Carl handed me two pages he had photocopied. "It's called 'I Wanna Be a Celebrity'," he said.

I looked at the two-page song. Carl's song began like this:

I wanna be a celebrity
High-class living, that's the life for me
I ain't worried, about no punk-ass paparazzi
I wanna be a celebrity

"Is this a parody of 'Minority' by Green Day?", I asked Carl.

"It wasn't meant to be", said Carl.

We left the office at 10:00 to go to Lucky's.

"Since we're picking up Ken, we're going to go to the Lucky's in El Cerrito Plaza instead of the Lucky's in Hercules", said La Netta.

"Sounds good with me", I said.

"And we're still going to Big Lots, but it'll be the Big Lots on San Pablo instead of the Big Lots in Hercules."

We drove over to Lucky's, where I got my Tampicos. They had the pineapple coconut flavor this time -- excellent!

Then La Netta took us into Joann Fabrics.

"James, look at these animals!", said Carl.

"Is it safe to look?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, it is", she replied.

"You could get something here for Jolene!", said Carl.

They had squirrels, various birds including a great blue heron (it was their Audubon Birds collection) and even dinosaurs,

"Audubon Birds", the sign read. "Itsy Bxtsies . . ."

Ewww!

"Is this a stegosaur?", I asked.

"Probably", said Carl.

I couldn't find the tag.

"A triceratops!", said Carl.

"LIke Baby Bop", I reparted.

"Not quite the same, though", said Carl. "Ooh, a Tyrannosarus rex!"

La Netta, Carl and I got in line.

"Whxxps!", I heard a woman say.

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead.

"Oh, James", said La Netta sadly.

"D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! That clumsy ox!"

"Are you going to stop!"

"D'OH!", I said, trying to bop the center of my forehead in just the right way. "D'OH!" Another miss. "D'OH!" I nailed it!

"That was the last one", I told La Netta.

"Good", said La Netta.

La Netta got a page from the office saying Ken had arrived. So we drove back to the office to pick our mopey friend up.

"James need to use the restroom", La Netta told Ken once we arrived.

I went in the restroom and purged off "bxtsies". I spent the rest of my time purging off the "whxxps".

A man from another business in the office knocked at my door. He told me he had to use it.

I buttoned up and let him in.

He seemed to be in there a long time. "I'm done", said Carl.

"We're still waiting on James to finish using the restroom", La Netta said.

"He's still in there", I said.

"What did you say?", asked La Netta.

Just then the man walked out.

"I said he was still in there", I answered La Netta.

I walked back in and finished up, then came out.

Ken and Carl both got their lunches at the burrito truck. I told La Netta I'd just have an enchilada meal for lunch (one of my dinners from Lucky's).

The others ate lunch at Davis Park.

"Last night, I was thinking about Lamesha and Tiffany and Jolene", I said.

"All your friends", said Carl.

We listened to Star 101.3 at Davis Park. Carl and I sang along to "Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol.

"The faucet was drxpping", said Ken as we drove back home.

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"Ooh, sorry James", said Ken. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Want to gather all your juices?", La Netta asked me as we got to my house.

"Is it 2:15?", I asked.

"It's 2:12", La Netta replied.

I got my two Tampicos and bagged them. Then I set them down in front of the house, waiting for Stan Man to arrive.

Not the place?

2011-11-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

Wednesday was the last program day of the week, the day before Thanksgiving. Since Ken wasn't coming, we were teaming up with Cliff's group (Cliff had Lance, Marta and Alfonso).

In the morning, Cliff was trying to get Lance in the right seat. "Scxxt over, Lance", he said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

Instead of going about with the places Carl had requested on the schedule, we went to the 7-11 site so Alfonso could work.

"We're in Berkeley", Carl said, "We could be going to Urban Ore Ecopark and looking at computers."

"Exactly", I said.

"Are we supposed to just sit here and wait for an hour?"

La Netta then took us into Food Maxx. She wanted us to prepare for Thanksgiving.

"James, do you want to get a lemon meringue pie here?", La Netta asked.

"Pia's getting one for me", I replied.

"What would you like here?"

"I think I'll get a Mexican dinner, to have after my lasagna."

La Netta picked out vegetables for her Thanksgiving dinner, then took me to the frozen food aisle.

I saw a shelf full of pizzas, then some lasagnas, then some frozen meat, and continued going down until I got to the Don Miguel shelf.

"4 for $5.00", the Mexican food was labeled. I knew I couldn't go wrong. I picked out four of their Mexican dinners.

Into the shopping cart they went. "They were four for $5.00", I told La Netta.

"That's a good deal!", she said.

La Netta then looked at the spices and herbs.

"What's spearmint?", she asked.

"It's a green plant from the mint family, often used in flavoring candy and chewing gum," I told her.

"Then I don't want to use that."

We all paid for our stuff, then we got back into the van.

"Scxxt over, Lance", said Cliff.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!", I growled.

"Now, James", said Cliff, "I'm not trying to diss you when I say those words. I can't keep up with all those words you don't like and your vowels, the I's and O's and U's."

We drove to Taco Bell. As soon as we got out, I saw a woman wearing pajamdra bottoms get out of the restaurant and walk towards her car.

"Is she wearing pajamdra pants?", I asked La Netta.

"I don't know", La Netta said.

A little later, she said, "Yeah, she is."

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

I went into the restroom while the others were ordering their Taco Bell meals and purged off the woman's pajamdras.

I washed my hands and came out . . . only to discover the others were eating their meals inside Taco Bell!

"So you guys are eating inside?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, we are", La Netta replied.

"OK, then I guess I'll finish up purging the SC-words."

"How long is it going to take?"

"Not too long."

I walked back into the restroom and did Cliff's two "scxxt over"s. I was thinking to myself of the "scxxt this way" I heard during my physical, and had to think "ayw sith toocs" to myself and chant "scadoloot this way" while purging.

Finally, I got to both "scadoloot over"s.

As I was washing my hands, I heard Carl knocking at the door. "James?", asked Carl. "When are you going to be out?"

"I'm going to come out right now", I said.

I finished washing my hands and opened the door.

"Boy, that was quick!", said Carl. "James, I've got a question with you. Are you familiar with the song 'Your Body Is a Wonderland'?"

"By John Mayer?", I asked.

"I don't know who does it."

"Your body is a wonderland", I sang. "Your body is a wonder I don't lose my hands . . ."

"James", said La Netta. "Not the place. Not the place. If you and Carl want to sing that loud, you go outside to do it."

Carl and I sat down in our seats. "It goes like this", said Carl, "We've found love . . . now make it/We're in a deep sea of blankets/Take all the big rules and break them . . ."

"Yes, that's 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' by John Mayer", I said.

"Same song?", asked Carl.

"Same song."

I stared at La Netta.

"What?", La Netta asked.

"You know what", I replied.

"I really don't. What is it?"

"When you said, 'Not the place'."

"Oh. I said that because this was not the place for you to be singing that loud."

"You don't like James' singing?", asked Carl. "It's clear you don't know a good thing when you hear it."

"I didn't say I didn't like his singing. I just said here was not the place."

"I'm going to take over all your stations! I'll take your gospel station and replace it with rock-and-roll!"

"Did you hear how loud James was singing? People were looking at you two."

"I'm going to take over your gospel station and replace it with rock!"

"Carl, I think you need some gospel".

"There's a time and a place for gospel, and it's called church!"

"There's too much repression of loud in this world!", I told La Netta angrily.

"Well, you were in the restroom for a long time", La Netta said. "People kept trying to use the restroom while you were in there, and they were already upset . . . then when they heard you singing that loudly . . ."

Carl continued to argue with La Netta, and La Netta told him he was just acting like that because they were combining groups.

As I was looking outside, I saw a building that said . . . was that C-tibank on the building?

I looked more scrutinizingly. "C-tibank", it read.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to it.

"Oh, God!", La Netta said.

"I didn't even see that", said Carl. "You can see it from just the right angle." Here, you sit in this seat, with your face back to it."

We finished our Taco Bell meals (well, I hadn't gotten anything) and were too early to go home. So Cliff drove to a dollar store.

La Netta asked whether I wanted to go in with her, and I replied in the affirmative. I'd rather be with La Netta than Cliff in case I had some words to ask about.

Just after I walked into the dollar store, I saw a box filled with Dipser-man stickers and glitter. "Ewwwwwww!", I said.

La Netta hadn't even seen it.

"Dipser-man to your right", La Netta said as I walked eown an aisle.

"Thanks for telling me, La Netta", I said.

"Anything for my friend James", said La Netta.

As we walked through the store, I tried to cup my eyes but I kept seeing more Dipser-man stuff. There seemed to be an "Ewwwwww!" at every corner.

"They must have a deal with Marvel Comics", I told La Netta.

"Yeah, they must have", La Netta said.

I purchased a box oe Copitos there, and after we left, we drove home in the van, dropping off clients one by one. Cliff said "ice xxxxx punch" as he talked.

"Blechhhh!", I said. "Did Cliff say 'I-word punch'?"

"He did", said La Netta, "But it was an accident."

"James, I'm not trying to hurt you", said Cliff. "It's just I don't think about what I say when I speak.I don't remember what I said, so I can't keep track of all your E's and I's and O's and E-I-E-I-O's."

Carl tried to make conversation with Cliff, but Cliff told him that he didn't want to speak, because he "might say something that will upset James".

We finally made it to Carl's house, wherefrom I took a ride home in Stan Man's van. La Netta handed my the bag full of Mexican food.

I took my food home with me and told Claudette my taking Zoloft would be delayed because I had a lot of purging to do.

I purged off Cliff's "ice xxxxx", then "C-tibank", then all the Dipser-mans. At dawn Thanksgiving morning, I finally mixed my liquid Zoloft with Tampico and drank it.

A semi-pleasant surprise in the mail

2011-11-27T22:54:00.001-08:00

One of my staff placed an envelope on my dresser. It was mail from my mother, whom I had asked for money to replace my mangosteens.

After midnight, I sat down with the envelope and tore open the top. I had asked for $7, so I was expecting to see a five and two ones. I pulled the contents out with my eyes closed so as to prevent me seeing a cyclops pyramid.

What I felt was clearly not money, so I looked at it. It was a paper folded up in thirds.

A letter, maybe? Then I opened it. I saw the C-ti logo. On the top right.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

There were two fives in the paper. My mother had left me some money after all. I read the paper to see how many "C-ti"s I word have to purge off, and the word C-ti appeared five times in her note from C-tibank. That made six "C-ti"s total.

The C-tibank message was crossed out, and my mother had written, "James -- a little extra. -Mom"

I placed the $10 in my pocket. Then I folded up the paper and threw it away.

The rest of my night was filled with purging off all those peanut-buttery "C-ti"s.

I hear what I'm afraid of hearing

2011-11-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

This morning, Stan Man gave me my four-milligram pill. He told me it would be a while until he was ready to take me to Dr. Levine.

Several minutes later, he came in and said, "Get ready".

I put my shoes on and buttoned my pants. I then applied deodorant and combed my hair. I went to the bathroom.

I came out and asked Stan Man if I could have some money. He took out my book, gave me $20 and had me sign for today and the last time I received money.

Then I saw Stan outside by his van. I asked him whether he was ready, and he said yes.

I grabbed my sleep mask and red bag, and drove with good old Stan Man.

He was on his cellphone with Pia, so I plugged my ears.

When I unplogged them for just a few seconds, I heard Pia say something that sounded like "mxss" three times.

Then I heard Stan Man saying, "There's been an accident on the freeway".

"Stan, did Pia say the M-word?", I asked.

"I said, 'There's been an accident on the freeway'," Stan repeated.

"I asked did Pia say it."

"James, there's no way you can hear Pia."

"I heard her!"

"What did you hear her say?"

"I heard her say the M-word."

"There's no way you could have heard the M-word, because Pia is on the other side of the cellphone."

"And I heard her say Smart & Final."

"I said 'Smart & Final'. I was telling Pia where she could get your lemon meringue pie."

A little later, I heard Stan Man say something that sounded like "Freeway on the shoulder mxss".

"Freeway on the shoulder what?", I asked Stan.

No response.

"Stan?", I asked again.

Stan continued talking to Pia.

"Stan?", I asked again.

"Yes?", said Stan.

"Freeway on the shoulder what?"

"What are you talking about?"

"What you just said. Freeway on the shoulder something".

"I didn't say that. You sound like you're suffering from delusional paranoia."

"It really sounded like it, Stan."

"Well, it wasn't that. And Pia didn't say the M-word. Just to clear your conscience." Stan went on. "You sound like you want to hear a word so you can purge."

"I want not to hear a purge word today."

"Well, you sound like you do, because you've been asking about words all this drive. Do you want me to turn on the radio?"

"No, that will make it worse."

We got to our stop at Berkeley.

"Stan?", I said.

"Yes?", replied Stan.

"You know how some people hear what they want to hear?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Well, I'm just the opposite. I hear what I'm afraid of hearing."

"I understand that, but you've been really stressed out today."

We then walked up to Dr. Levine's office.

Suffering in the stores

2011-11-27T22:50:00.000-08:00

"Monday needs to be Carl's day", said La Netta.

Yet she drove us to the office yesterday "just to use it". Then she told us to go on with our day.

We visited Smart & Final, the place I had requested for picking up my Thanksgiving meal.

La Netta took me to the pies, but we couldn't find lemon meringue. I settled on a box of macaroons.

Then we hit the juice section, and I got two Tampicos. I looked at all the Toranis before picking out a passionfruit Torani.

Finally, the entrée. La Netta told me they had "the I-stuff" to the right side of the freezer, so I just looked at the left. We saw pizzas and Mexican meals, even Dino Bites.

Then we got to the Michael Angelo's meals. When I didn't see anything I liked better, I walked back to the $7 Michael Angelo's meals. I picked out one called Vegetable Lasagna.

"Could you check this box for the T-word?", I asked La Netta.

She inspected it and it was safe.

Then I read it myself. One part said the meals were "shxpped straight to you".

We bagged and carried out the goodies I had bought, then La Netta went into a beauty shop.

"What's wrong?", she asked me as we were driving.

"I saw the SH-word on my vegetable lasagna, and I'm going to need to go somewhere where I can pick my navel."

"Are you still going to be able to eat it?"

"Yes. It's not like the T-word or the I-word."

Our next stop was Big Lots. I picked out some headphone batteries.

"Is that all you came in here for?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied.

"Well, we're in here for a whole hour."

She took me to the restroom to spit. But by the time we made it to the check-out, my mouth was eull of saliva again.

"Thank you", the cashier told me when I paid for my stuff.

"Welkung", I replied.

"Thank you", she said again.

"Welkung."

We left and had lunch at Davis Park. I picked my navel there.

We left shortly after 1:00 for a trip to Goodwill.

KBLX was playing at Goodwill again. When they began doing song ID's, I said, "La Netta, they're about to do traffic."

"Then plug your ears", she said.

"Alouette, gentille alouette, alouette, je te plumerai . . .", I said.

I had done three verses when La Netta patted my arm.

"Yes?", I asked.

"Keep singing", she said.

"Did they say the M-word?", I asked.

"No."

I sang two more verses, then La Netta patted my arm again.

"It's over?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied.

I saw a porcelain cup with a snowman on it, just in time for preparing for winter. Something to purge off.

When we finally left the store, I breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Carl doesn't do that when we go to your stores", La Netta said.

"Carl doesn't suffer as much in my stores as I do in his", I replied.

We then dropped off Carl, and heard that Stan would arrive at his house at 2:20.

La Netta dropped me off with Santina at my house, where I set down all my bags near the door.

"Going really fast on the bxke", Santina said as a cyclist drove by our house.

Finally the door was opened for us, and I could purge off both "bxke" and the snowman cup.

Three superpowers

2011-11-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

Friday was the day we had Urban Ore Ecopark and Berkeley Bowl scheduled. As we drove to Berkeley, Morgan Dukes, the DJ on The Light was talking about temptation.

"Whether it's that fine lady who catches your exe or that guy whom you can't keep your exe off of . . .", she said.

"Ewwwwwww!", I said.

We then made it to Berkeley Marina.

I went to the restroom and purged. When I came back into the van, La Netta said, "I thought you were going to the restroom."

"I did", I said. "I just came back."

"Wow, that was really quick!", she said.

Next came Urban Ore Ecopark. La Netta and Carl looked for computers.

I saw comic books. One was the Fly. I checked out the one to its top left. Then, between the two, I saw Dipser-man!

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What is it?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to Dipsey.

"I don't see it," she said.

"Here", I said, pointing to it.

"Oh."

Carl wanted to look at everything, but La Netta told him that our group had limited time.

Finally we left and drove over to Berkeley Bowl.

"So this is Berkeley Bowl?", asked Carl.

"Yes", replied La Netta.

"I have been here before."

When we went in, La Netta asked me where I wanted to go.

I told her I wanted to look at fruit, candy and ethnic foods.

We started out at the candy section. I picked up some cocoa-covered biscotti in the shape of balls, as well as a bag of taffy.

As we walked by the sushi, I picked out a box of eel sushi.

We then visited the fruits. La Netta walked over to the clearance fruit section and said, "This is what Taylor was telling us about." She placed a bag of apples in her shopping basket, while I got some Driscoll's blackberries for only 79 cents.

"Do you have any sapodillas here?", I asked a man working here.

"No, this is all we have here", he said.

"He means at this store", La Netta clarified.

"Oh! What were you looking for?"

"Sapodillas", I said.

"Is that fruit?"

"Yes. Latin American fruit."

"If we have it, it would be over there. Let me check."

I followed him, often stopping for carts to pass by. Soon I was a long way behind him.

Carl walked right throogh. "Say 'excuse me'," La Netta told Carl.

Finally, we got to the Latin American fruit section. "We have sapotes", he said.

"No thank you", I said.

I looked around. They had cherimoyas and kumquats. There was also something called Buddha's hand. It was a yellow fruit that resembled a many-fingeed hand.

"That is the strangest fruit I have ever seen", said La Netta. "I don't think I could eat that."

"Oh, look", I said. "They have xoconostles." I had seen a xoconostle before at the Botanical Gardens in Arizona, but I never knew they produced edible fruit.

Into my basket the xoconostles went.

"Look, La Netta, there's jicama -- the vegetable that doesn't taste like anything", I said.

La Netta pointed out the persimmons. They were $1.09 each. She and I had discussed persimmons before we went in, and she was considering trying a persimmon for its nutritional benefits.

I picked out a persimmon and bagged it.

"You picked out a good one", she said.

Then we paid for our goodies.

We left Berkeley to visit Jack-in-the-box, where Carl got his lunch. Then we drove to Kennedy Grove. Because of the rain, we stayed in the van -- except for yours truly, who went to the restroom to purge off Dipser-man.

When I came back, we discussed the foods we had seen at Berkeley Bowl. La Netta asked me everything I got.

"If you could have three superpowers," asked Carl, "What would they be? Me, I'd choose density control. I could run through everything. I'd make myself so dense that bullets couldn't faze me. And invisibility. I'd walk through a wall . . . rob a bank . . . and no one would stop me. And gravity control."

"I'd choose time travel", I said.

"How would it work?", asked Carl. "Would you get older? Younger?"

"I could go back and forward in time, and I'd be able to age or deage myself. I'd use it to change the past. I'd go back in history and keep Bush from getting elected."

"And keep Cheney from getting elected. Make sure his parents never meet."

"And my second ability would be . . . the ability to pull fillings out with my bare hands."

"Electromagnetic control!", said Carl.

"And my third ability would be mind control."

"That's a great one! I forgot about that! You could control me! La Netta, if you could have three superpowers, what would they be, and what would you call yourself?"

"I'd call myself Angel", said La Netta. "And I would have the power to bless people."

"You'd use spiritual healing?", I asked.

"Not just to bless people spiritually. I'd bless them with material things."

"OK, so that would be your second superpower", said Carl. "Manifestation -- you'd have the ability to make something out of nothing. What would your third superpower be?"

"Oh, I don't want to have too many superpowers. I don't want to be God."

La Netta went to the restroom. While she was in there, Carl and I tried to think up a third one for her.

"I know!", said Carl. "Enlightenment! She could teach any student, no matter how difficult."

When La Netta got back, Carl said, "Let's tell her". Carl told her about the third superpower he had in mind for our coach.

"I'd like that", said La Netta.

"What would you call yourself?"

"That's tough", I said. I tried to think up a name for myself.

"How about Liberty Lad?", asked Carl.

"That's great!", I said. "What would your name be?"

"Kid Phantom", replied Carl.

Carl then started to jabber about Star Wars. He told us about a Robot Chicken episode that parodied Star Wars. His monologue ended with "shxpping operation".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

"Sorry, James", said Carl. "But you got the point."

I climbed under the horizontal wooden bar that prevents cars from driving past that point and went to the restroom to pick my navel. Then I went back towards the van, ducking under it a second time.

La Netta took us home, and told me she hoped I enjoy my foods. When I got home I ate my sushi, then polished off the blackberries.

Arachnid detour

2011-11-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, I was in the Dollar Tree. I had just bought two ham and cheese pockets from Tony's at the check-out when I was putting my change in my bag. I had to fold the dollar bills up the right way so I didn't see the one-eyed pyramids.

I was taking a while. As I folded them up, I overheard one customer saying, "Pxrdon?" to another.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

As we drove to Pinole Valley Park, I said, "La Netta, I'm going to need to purge".

I got out near the portable. I walked into the portable and began purging off the "pardon". I thought N'drop? to myself, and then did 48 thrusts, each accompanied by a "padolardon".

I noticed the cobwxb in the back left corner of the portable had been cleaned away. But there was cobwxb and a eipser in the back right corner. There was a cobwxb in the front left, and a few lines of wxb in the front right.

I looked down. I resumed doing my ritual for "pardon", then saw the dipser again.

I inspected the immediate area of the dipser closely, and made sure there were no cobwxbs nearby. Then, I got out a beige paper towel from the dispenser and killed the dipser with it. Down into the toilet it went.

I closed my eyes and purged off the dipser. Then I went back to my "pardon" ritual. I thought a lot, sort of daydreamed . . . and then tried to get back in the kick.

I finally got another shocking "padolardon". Then I balanced on my right and left legs. I had to be very careful not to touch the cobwxb to my left.

I decided to sit down for the end of my ritual. I pulled my pants to my knees and sat on the toilet seat. Then I went through the shock of a "N'drop"/"Padolardon".

I did eight "padolardon"s at my groin, four "padolardon"s that went up to my abdomen, then one big "padolardon" that circled around my groin and went up. I washed my hands and I was out of there.

Friends for the first time

2011-11-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

I had just finished a delicious meal of chow mein, hot braised chicken and eggplants with tofu. I decided to wash my chopsticks and then take my styrofoam out to the kitchen.

"Could you turn your sound machine down?", asked Levette while I was washing my chopsticks.

"After I wash my chopsticks", I said. "Did I hear the T-word on TV?"

"I don't know, because I was in the other room."

"AAAAAAAARGH! Now I'm going to have to purge!"

"James, turn your sound box down."

"How do you expect me to turn my white sound machine down when you don't mute the television when I'm coming out to the kitchen?"

I walked back into my room and put my chopsticks back in their ziploc bag.

"James, turn your sound machine down", Levette said. He watched as I moved the switch at the bottom along the continuum, graeually making my box quieter as it moved leftward. "Turn it down because I run this house. Is that a good enough reason?"

"No!", I said.

"Well, it's a good enough reason for me!"

After he closed the door, I said, "I HATE YOU, LEVETTE! I HATE YOU!"

Levette opened my door again. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't hate you."

I looked at him.

"I thought we were friends", said Levette.

"Oh, we're not", I said. "Actually . . . I mean . . . I'm your friend but you're not my friend."

"What do you mean you're not my friend? Haven't I always been nice to you?"

"Not really . . ."

"What have I done to you?"

"You've accused me of eaveseropping on your cellphone conversations."

"That was only once."

"It was twice."

"Well . . ."

"And the other day you wouldn't mute or pause the television when I came out to the kitchen."

"I turned it down for you!"

"That doesn't help! I could still hear the TV."

"Well, I have it turned down now, and you can't hear it."

"You're right, I can't hear it."

"So are we friends again?"

"We're friends for the first time."

"For the first time? I thought we were always friends. Don't I put out your chimichanga for you?"

"Yes."

"I think that's a friendly thing to do. Let's be friends, OK?"

"OK. But now I have to purge off the T-word."

"OK."

Levette knocked on my door a little later.

"C'min!", I said.

"James, you're not mad at me anymore, are you?", he asked.

"I'm not", I replied.

"Good."

Milkfish balls

2011-11-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

Today I knew it was the Pacific East Ranch Market, so I brought the mangosteens I couldn't open with me.

Carl was telling jokes to La Netta as she drove to Miller's Knots. He told his standard joke about the guy driving throught he tollbooth who hands the tollbooth operator "these" instead of money, and the tollbooth operator says, "Ooh, I love raisins". This goes on for several days, and the guy finally comes up empty-handed and the tollbooth operator asks, "Where are my raisins?"

"The guy says, 'Those weren't raisins -- my rabbit just died'," finished Carl.

"So instead of raisins he was eating rabbit pellets?", asked La Netta.

"Yeah."

"Yxk."

"Ewwwww!", I said.

When we reached Miller's Knots, I purged off "yxk" in the restroom, then asked for hand sanitizer. We worked on a schedule together.

"I smell rotten fruit", said Carl.

Then we hit the Pacific East Ranch Market. I brought out my bag of mangosteens with me.

"We're not doing that", said La Netta. "You brought them out to me one month ago, and they were rotten then. They're not going to let you take them back!"

"It's worth a try", I said.

"You can go in", said La Netta, "But I'm not going in with you."

"I'll go with him, but just to listen out for words," said Carl.

"No, James needs to take care of this by himself."

"That's OK, I can do it", I told Carl.

We walked up, and I waited by the cash register and conveyor belt. A woman came up to me and asked, "May I help you?"

"Yes", I said. "I'd like to return these mangosteens. We couldn't get them open."

"Oh, these are all dried up", she said. "Do you have a receipt?"

"I have a receipt."

I fumbled around for my receipt while the employee inspected my mangosteens.

"These are dried up. Normally, you can return them within seven days, but when they're already dried up you can't take them back."

"Do you understand what she said?", La Netta asked.

"Yes", I replied. "She said they have a seven-day policy."

"Right. So do you want to get anything here?"

"I want starfruit juice and meatballs. Do you have any meatballs?"

"Beef, fish?", the lady asked.

"Any kind will do."

"There are some in aisle 3."

La Netta walked to the fruit section. "We're here", said La Netta.

"So what am I supposed to get here?"

"Open your eyes", La Netta said.

"My eyes are open! I just don't see any starfruit juice or meatballs here."

"Well, then you can lead the way."

We visited aisle 3, which was full of frozen seafood. (Whew, that's four words with an F in them in a row!)

"Did I hear a WH-word?", I asked La Netta.

"I don't know", La Netta said, "But if you want me to help you out, you can't keep yelling at me."

"I was offended when you told me to open my eyes and my eyes already were open!"

"Well, it didn't seem that way, since you didn't seem to know where we were."

"All I saw around me was fruit, and I didn't see how I was supposed to get my starfruit juice in that section."

I finally settled on some milkfish balls. I checked the bag and there was no "txsty" on the bag.

"James, you didn't tell me you were going to do this when we put Pacific East Ranch Market on the schedule last week," said La Netta.

"Well, Ken was the one who requested it", I said.

"That was Ken? Really?"

"Yeah."

"I thought it was you."

Then we made it to the beverage aisle, but I couldn't find any starfruit juice. There were aloe juice and tea, but no starfruit.

I paid for the milkfish balls and we were on our way to Marshall's. Ken said "gxtcha" as we got back into the van.

No one wanted to go into Marshall's, so we just sat outside. "James, it's after 11:00", said La Netta. "Have you got your pills?"

"There's my four-milligram pill", I said, " . . . And there's my one-milligram pill."

"Do you want to take them now?"

"I can't. I have to purge off the WH-word and the G-word."

La Netta took this week's schedule out. "Let's see who asked for Pacific East Ranch Market this week."

La Netta fumbled through pages until she found the schedule. "Pacific East Ranch Market . . . oh, it was Ken! And Marshall's was Ken!"

"I was right!", I said.

We then visited the office. Inside the office, I purged off "whxxps" and "gxtcha". Then we waited for Taylor to drive us home.

Carl was browsing the Internet. He showed me something called HempCon.

Someone else used the computer and turned it off. Then Carl turned it back on. He printed something out.

Carl, Ken and I said good-bye to La Netta.

I decided to look up the Spanish word for mangosteen online. I opened Internet Explorer, and it took me to Crawler.

I typed in:

apple strawberry durian mangosteen cherimoya sapodilla loquat pomegranate manzana naranja nispero

and looked at the results.

I saw advertisements for fruit products. One item said, "Free shxpping".

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

I then copied-and-pasted the query into Google. "Ooh, open this page!", Carl said at the top result.

I clicked on the top result and got a Spanish Wikibooks page. It showed food words in English and Spanish. And mangosteen was . . . el mangostino!

I then visited the restroom a second time, this time to pick "shxpping" out of my navel.

Eventually, we made it home. We reached my home first, so I said good-bye to Ken and Carl.

Enough purge words

2011-11-09T23:51:00.000-08:00

As I got into the van yesterday, I saw my neighbor walk out wearing a purple bottom with flower print. La Netta was calling into the office.

"What was it you had to say, James?", asked La Netta.

"I was going to ask, was my neigibor in her pajamdras?", I asked her.

"Yes, she was."

"Ewwwwwww!"

"We have that class today, so we're going to visit those places after drops", said La Netta.

"STARS?", I asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, god", said Carl. "I'll go in this one time, so James can ask his question."

We visited Grocery Outlet. La Netta stopped by the bandages and I saw those superhero bandages. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Who do you see?", asked La Netta.

"Dipser-man."

"I don't see Dipser-man."

I pointed to the top of the bandage box. "Here he is."

"Oh, now I see him."

We stopped by the lunchmeat, where I picked out some bratwurst. Then we visited the frozen foods and I placed six piroshkis into my basket. Finally, we hit the juice section, and I got a ruby pomegranate drink. La Netta checked and the bottle had no "txsty"s on it.

"James, are you going to get anything at Las Montañas?", asked La Netta.

"I was thinking of getting some marshmallow cookies", I replied.

"I thought last time you couldn't eat them because of what they had on them."

"You're thinking of the cookies with the faces on them. I didn't get those. I got the ones that are like Copitos."

"What now", asked Carl.

"I said, 'I got the ones that are like Copitos'."

"I don't know what that means."

"Copitos are a kind of marshmallow cookie, similar to Pom Poms."

"Oh! I know what you're talking about. The ones that are like turtles, but have a split in the middle?"

"No. These have X-hatching on the bottom."

"Oh!"

Once we got to Las Montañas, we headed for the pastry section. Carl asked if various cookies were the ones I was talking about. I kept telling him no.

"Those are in the boxed cookies section", I said.

I then went to Aisle 3, and soon found some Bombolín cookies for $3.89.

"Oh! Those!", said Carl. "They look sort of like Snowballs, with flat bottoms."

We reached the check-out and I paid for my cookies. Then we hit the office to participate in STARS.

I purged off Dipser-mans until Taylor knocked and aid he had to use the restroom.

Taylor came out. STARS was beginning. I had to wait for Carl to finish eating his burrito from the burrito truck.

"Scxxt up", Taylor told Gordon.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled. "You said the SC-word!"

"I did", said Taylor.

I went into the STARS meeting. Justin was there once again. "Remind me of your name", he told Carl. "Is it Craig?"

"It's the short form of Will Smith's friend's first name on Fresh Prince of Bel-air", said Carl.

"It's the first name of Bush's strategist!", I said.

"Carl?", asked Justin.

"Yes."

"Carl Donner."

"Actually, it's Danner. It's a German name."

"You're German?"

"Yes. And English, and Irish, and . . . well, you get the idea."

"So am I. My last name's Hope."

"Like Bob Hope?", I asked.

"Yes."

"Do you remember my last name?", I asked Justin.

"No, I don't."

"It's Landau. Do you know what that is?"

"No, what is it?"

"It's Jewish."

"And remind me again, what's your first name?"

"James."

"James."

Justin went on to talk about safety.

Carl said, "'Keep your exe on the ball' isn't just a maxim for baseball."

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry, James", said Carl.

"Yes", said Justin. "Keep an exe on the ball."

"Ewwwwww!", I said again.

At the end, Carl and I stayed so I could ask Justin a question about hugging. I explained that La Netta and I used to hug after showers, and that I came up with that reward system, but now Justin had told the staff that they couldn't hug their clients.

"Well, hugging isn't appropriate for the workplace", said Justin. "That's an example of a bad touch, like we talked about. If you want to hug while you're off program, that's fine."

"Actually, they do it at his house", said Carl.

"Then it might be appropriate", said Justin.

"You have the green light", Carl told me.

The meeting finished and Carl and I both waited for someone to come out of the restroom. I saw Sayun outside the restroom.

There was quite a line outside. Several more men went in the restroom.

Finally, it was Carl's turn. Carl went in, flushed and came out.

"Did you wash your hands?", La Netta asked Carl.

"Do I ever?", asked Carl.

"James, before you go in, let Carl wash his hands", La Netta said.

Gerardo rushed before the restroom.

"Gerardo, why are you here?", asked his staff.

"I need to go in again", said Gerardo.

"Again?!"

While we were waiting for Carl, Gerardo said, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"James, is that enough times?", asked La Netta.

"No."

"You did that twenty times!"

Gerardo went in. Once he came out, I could use the restroom.

I purged off the "keep your exe on" and "keep an exe on" after much rubble-clearing.

I did Taylor's "scxxt up", but I had been thinking of other "scxxt" collocations such as "scxxt THIS way" from my doctor's appointment", "scxxt over", "scxxt back" and "scxxt by" and had to do some rubble-clearing with those too. Finally, I centered my hands around the right side of my groin and did "scadoloot op", then made a "scadoloot up" coming up, and it was out of me.

Gerardo's "whxxps" was surprisingly quick. He had pronounced it to rhyme with "groups", and I could easily taste whipped cream, so the "whadoloops, whadoloops, whadoloops . . . adoloops, adoloops, adoloops" went quickly.

"James", said La Netta, "When you're finished, come out to the van."

"OK", I told La Netta.

I finished with the Dipser-mans, then washed my hands and I was out of there.

Next came a trip to Goodwill, since Carl had not been able to go there on Friday. "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson was playing on KBLX.

Before long, I heard talking. "Is this traffic?", I asked La Netta.

"I can barely hear it", said La Netta. "Step back."

I stepped back and closed my ears.

"Yeah", La Netta said.

"Did they say the M-word?", I asked.

"No."

"So they are doing traffic, but they didn't say the M-word?"

"Yeah."

Eventually I unplugged my ears. The traffic had to be over by now.

Carl kept pointing out stuff to La Netta. We were about to leave when he noticed one more thing. He pointed it out to La Netta.

"Carl really likes shopping here", said La Netta.

Finally, we stepped out. Once in the van, I took my pills.

On the way home, we listened to Star 101.3. An unfamiliar song came on the radio.

"James, have you heard this song before?", asked La Netta.

"I haven't", I replied.

La Netta turned it off.

"Does it have any purge words?", I asked.

"I didn't want to take the risk", La Netta said. "You've heard enough purge words today."

Nobody told La Netta

2011-11-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

On Friday morning, I was picked up for a drive to the Richmond Mental Health Clinic. I brought my red bag with me and listened to my headphones as I sat in the waiting room lest I hear any purge words.

Dr. Luburic came out, and I went into his office alone with him. He greeted me, and I sat down.

Dr. Luburic asked me if the new Zoloft was working out better than my old liquid Prozac. I told him I was taking it with juice so the taste didn't present a problem.

Dr. Luburic asked me whether I thought the medicine was working. I told Dr. Luburic that La Netta said I was asking about purge words more often, and was more tense.

Did I hear someone say, "Whxxpsie" outside?

"Did I hear a WH-word?", I asked Dr. Luburic.

"No", he replied.

Then he asked me if there were any side effects to the medicine, and I said no. We did discuss sleep -- I was still sleeping during the day as well as at night, and had those bipolar-type sleeping schedules.

Dr. Luburic told me he'd raise my dosage of liquid Zoloft to three milliliters, then go up to four milliliters after a week.

I came out to get Pia, and soon I was at the CIWP office with my red bag and sleep mask. Some people in the office greeted me.

I purged off "whxxpsie" in the office restroom, not sure Dr. Luburic had heard correctly. Then I stood around waiting for La Netta.

We were supposed to go to Berkeley Bowl on Friday. I watched the clock as it ran through our Berkeley Bowl time. But La Netta wasn't coming to get me. Why wasn't she getting me? I was here, right?

Finally, I saw Carl in the main office. Then I walked to the door and saw Ken and La Netta.

"La Netta!", I said.

"No one told me you were here!", said La Netta.

"So I guess it's Goodwill now", said La Netta as we left the office.

"I don't want to go to Goodwill", I said.

La Netta parked in front of another spot, then she drove off. I saw the word "bxke" on a sign.

She stopped at Jack-in-the-box. "Do you want lunch here?"

"That wouldn't cheer me up", I replied.

"No one told me you were here."

"Well, Lita and Maria saw me in the office. Why didn't they call you?"

"I don't know."

"What made you finally come over?"

"We were coming here to wait on you. We were waiting all that time at Berkeley Marina."

As we erove to the office, the radio was set to KMEL. A DJ said "cutxe".

"Echhh!", I said.

"I have an idea", I told La Netta. "We go to Berkeley Bowl, and then instead of eating lunch at Kennedy Grove, we change our schedule to go to Berkeley Marina."

"We already went to Berkeley Marina today", said La Netta.

La Netta drove over to Kennedy Grove. I took my towel and set it on the bench. I then went to the restroom and purged off "bxke" and "cutxe".

I came out and sat as the others ate their lunches.

How could something like this go on? Several staff saw me at the office, but not one of them called La Netta. Because of that, I was left without getting my juices at Berkeley Bowl. La Netta had told me when we missed Big Lots on Wednesday that I could get my juices on Friday, but that never materialized because of staff negligence. Never before have I felt so neglected at CIWP.

Carl's God-size ego

2011-11-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

We were on the way to Fernandez Park Wednesday morning when Carl said he smelled something.

"When was the last time you took a shower?", asked La Netta.

"My last shower was on Sunday", said Carl. "I missed my Saturday shower, so I took it on Sunday."

"James, when was your last shower?

"My last shower was last night", I replied.

"Did you change your clothes?"

"Yes."

"Did you put on deodorant?"

"Yes."

"Everyone here showered but you, Carl. You say you smell something, but you're the one who smells!"

"It's not the smell of B.O.", Carl said. "It was something on the road. It's gone now."

Someone opened the door.

"Now, I smell it again", said Carl.

"Carl, you need to shower!", said La Netta.

"I take three showers a week!", said Carl.

"You're a grown man, you should be showering every day", said La Netta. I cringed at hearing a twentysomething boy referred to as a "grown man".

"La Netta", I said, "I'm older than Carl and I only take three showers a week."

"Well, you're making improvements", she said. "I remember when it used to be only one shower a week. You're trying. And Carl -- he's not even taking three showers a week. He's been missing his showers."

Finally, we hit Home Depot, where Carl had wanted to go.

"OK, Carl's going to lead the way", La Netta said.

Carl led the way, and soon we were at the headphones. Carl showed me the expensive noise-cancelling model he had been telling me about.

We looked at them together for a moment, then we walked around the rest of the store.

"Oh look, palm and ixora", I said. "Remember how I was telling you about ixora?"

"No", said La Netta, "What's that?"

"It's a elower that belongs to the same family as the gardenia, coffee, the noni and cinchona -- that's what they use to make quinine."

"To make quinine -- what's that?"

"It's a medicine they use to treat malaria. It's bitter."

I saw a metal play labeled "Drxp tray".

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What's wrong?", asked La Netta.

"See this?", I asked, pointing to it.

"Oh."

"There was a one in a million chance that that would happen", said Carl.

Once we finished with the inside, we visited the garden section of Home Depot.

"Oh, look, a banana tree!", said Carl.

"How tall do banana trees grow?", asked La Netta.

"They grow very tall", I said. "About the size of coconut palms."

La Netta looked at some sago palms and ophiopogons.

"Remember how I was telling you about phormiums?", I asked La Netta. "Here's a phormium!"

A woman came and asked us, "What house do you work at?"

"I don't work at a house", said La Netta. "This is Community Integrated Work Program at Jacuzzi Street in Richmond."

"How could you tell this was a disabled program?, I asked.

"He's smart", the lady said.

"I know", said La Netta. "He's a genius."

Our next stop was Big Lots, where I was hoping to get juice. We started to go into Big Lots, but then Carl tried to "help" Ken get out.

"Get out . . . get out . . . let me hold the door", said Carl.

"Carl, Ken can get out by himself", said La Netta.

Carl said, "I'm the leader around here -- you follow me!"

Carl then walked off into Big Lots without La Netta.

"This is too much", said La Netta.

"La Netta, aren't we going to go into Big Lots now?", I asked.

"Carl is doing too much. He walked in without us! We don't need any trouble from the store."

Carl finally walked out. He got into a heated argument with La Netta.

As we walked into Taco Bell, Carl asked, "Who does La Netta pray to every night?"

"God", I replied.

"And who am I?", asked Carl.

"God."

"See? I made La Netta! She should be following me!"

I ordered a soet-shell taco, a flatbread, a chicken chalupa and an empanada.

"Who gave his life like Carl?", I sang to the tune of the gospel song. "Who paid a price like Carl, there's no god, there's no god, there's no god like Carl."

"Can you not use my human name?", asked Carl.

We drove over to Kennedy Grove, with our Taco Bell. La Netta told me that instead of us going to Big Lots, I could get my lunch at Berkeley Bowl on Friday.

La Netta and I talked about Carl as I set my towel down on the bench. Then she let me use the restroom.

I purged off "drxp" in there: "dradolip, dradolip, dradolip, dradolip . . . " . . . 90 times. Then I got it to up. The "drxp"s tasted like water, tap water.

I came out and talked with La Netta some more. Carl was sitting at a distant table.

"Do you want to go for a walk?", La Netta asked.

"Sore", I replied.

La Netta put on "Someone Like You" by Adele as we walked. Afterwards she put on "Rolling in the Deep".

"James, were you offended when that lady asked about our program?", asked La Netta.

"No", she said. "I just didn't know how she knew we were a disabled program."

"Maybe because she saw an African-American girl with three Caucasian males", said La Netta.

"Maybe."

We finished our walk. I collected the towel and headed back home.

As we did drops, La Netta asked what song I'd like her to play on her iPod. I suggested "Brighter than the Sun" by Colbie Caillat. I had to spell her name for La Netta.

After listening to that song, I requested "Standing Still" by Jewel. La Netta had a hard time finding it.

"Do you like Elton John's 'I'm Still Standing'?", asked La Netta.

"I don't know that song", I replied.

Finally La Netta found it.

"Ooh, I like this song!", she said.

She dropped me at my house. We said our good-byes, I hoping to get my juices on Friday.

Loving Someone with OCD

2011-11-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, we were going to Barnes & Noble, which I had requested for our schedule.

Shortly after we entered the bookstore, we came across a mother with her small children. She said "cutxe pie".

"Echhh!", I said.

"James, are we going to be able to do this?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied.

"Lead the way to the New Age section."

I looked around me. To my right was a book of Marvel superheroes. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to Dipser-man.

"Are you going to be able to do this?"

"Yes." I walked and walked until I made it over to the New Age section.

"They've moved the sections around", said La Netta. "The New Age section isn't where it used to be."

While I was there, I spotted a book titled Loving Someone with OCD. I took the book off the shelf and showed it to La Netta. "Look what I found!", I said.

"Loving Someone with OCD", she said. "Loving James!"

La Netta then got a call from the office, and had to pick up Ken. After we drove to the office to pick Ken up, La Netta drove back to El Cerrito Plaza and parked in front of Trader Joe's.

"James, do you want to go to Chef's so you have something to eat?", La Netta asked.

"Actually", I said, "I was thinking of getting my lunch from Trader Joe's."

"The thing is, if we go into Trader Joe's, you have to open your eyes and find what you want to find."

"I can do that", I said.

We went in, and I told her I was hoping for one of those sushi plates. We found lots of sushi, but no sushi plates.

I found something called a Vietnamese wrap, and got that instead. I had never had Vietnamese food before, not even pho.

"Now where do you want to go?", La Netta asked.

"I want to go to the juice section", I replied.

We were soon at the beverages, where I picked out some cranberry hibiscus blend and a gallon of sweet tea. My three items rang up to $12.

When we got to KFC, I went into the restroom and began purging off Dipser-man. I came out briefly, then went back in to finish purging off Dipser-man and then embark on "cutxe".

"It's 1:30", said La Netta.

"Let me wash up!", I said.

I washed my hands, then came out.

"Did you take your pill?", La Netta asked me.

"No", I replied.

"Why not?", she asked.

"Because I haven't finished purging."

$4 wasted

2011-11-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

October 31 had rung around the corner, and you know what that meant -- Halloween.

We were supposed to go to Smart & Final this week, but La Netta forgot to put it down when she was making the schedule. She said she'd probably take me there Monday morning.

When I asked about Smart & Final, she said she couldn't take me. But she knew I needed my juices, so she did take me to Las Montañas.

While we were at the pastry section of Las Montañas, I saw a little girl in Mickey Mouse -- pajamdras?

"Is she in her pajamdras?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, she is", replied La Netta.

"Ewwwwwww!"

I had something to purge off now, but we made it to the Tampico section, where I picked oout two Tampicos.

After I paid for my Tampicos and had them bagged, we made it to the van, wherefrom we drove to the office. I purged off the little girl's pajamdras in the restroom.

Renée was in the office with Lita. She was discussing Halloween costumes with Lita. "I've got these pajxmxs, I could be a great baby", said Renée.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh, is that a word?", asked Lita.

"Pajamdras, yes", I replied.

I went to the restroom again, and purged off "pajxmxs" -- this time the word, not the object. Renée had pronounced it the way La Netta does, with the middle A as in "spam".

When I came out, Carl was complaining to La Netta about not having a Halloween costume. So La Netta painted his face. Carl sat for a long time while it was painted, so Carl could have something to celebrate his favorite holiday.

We then left for the annual Halloween party. While we were driving to the party I noticed the Las Montañas bag looked different from how it usually did. I checked it out, and saw some bats for Halloween. When I looked at the top, there were two dancing sketons! And then I saw three dipsers crawling!

"Ewwww!", I said.

"What is it?", La Netta asked.

The Las Montañas bag has Halloween stuff on it.

La Netta looked at her own bag. "I hadn't noticed", she said.

"Now I won't be able to drink the Tampicos. I wasted $4!", I said.

La Netta said that once we stopped, she wanted to get a look at my Tampicos.

Eventually we did stop at Emeryville Marina, and La Netta got out of her seat. She looked at the Tampico that had shifted to the middle of the van. "This one's fallen out of its bag, so does that make it OK?", she asked.

"No", I said. "Because it was in there before."

"I have an idea", La Netta said. "Carl was going to buy something for the party. How much did the Tampicos cost?"

"$4.00."

"Carl could buy the Tampicos from James."

So Carl gave me $4.00 and the Tampicos were his. He carried them over to the party.

I then went to the CIWP restroom, and was purging off dipsers. While I was in there, I saw a booklet called The Atheist Test, which told the story of a Coca-Cola can that was formed by natural evolution. Then it pointed out the design of the banana. It said, "To say nobody designed the banana is more unintelligent than to say nobody designed the Coca-Cola can". I got all six dipsers by the time I had to come back out.

"Magandang umaga, James", I heard a familiar voice say.

"Magandang umaga, Clarissa!", I replied.

"Komusta?"

"How do you say 'hate'?", I asked.

She told me, so I could say, "I hate Halloween".

"Is Tagalog subject-verb-object, or subject-object-verb, or verb-subject-object, or what?", I asked Clarissa.

"Tagalog is a language", said Clarissa.

"I know it's a language, but is it subject-verb-object, or subject-object-verb, or verb-subject-object?"

"It's a subject, I guess."

"Do you know what 'subject' and 'object' mean in grammar?"

"No."

"Well, this is what I mean. English is SVO -- we say 'Jolene ate the taco'. In Japanese, which is SOV, they say 'Jolene taco ate'. And in Arabic, they say 'ate Jolene taco'. It's a VSO language."

"Oh, I think in Tagalog you have the verb in the middle."

I looked at Clarissa's shirt. It had an owl on a tree branch and the moon.

"And there's a -- what do you call it?", Clarissa asked.

"A cobveb", I filled her in.

"James!", said Rajendra.

"Rajendra, is that you?", I said.

"Yes", he replied. "What am I wearing?"

"You're wearing a black jacket . . . and a white dress shirt . . ."

"What am I wearing on my eyes?"

"You're wearing sunglasses!", I replied.

"Right!"

"Awesome!"

La Netta was busy listening out for words for me, and I was equally busy asking about purge words.

"Did I hear the I-word?", I asked La Netta.

"They don't even have that here", said La Netta.

Meanwhile, Snodgrass was causing some problems. He was leaning forward in his wheelchair.

"Scxxt back, Shawn", a staff said.

"RRRRRRRRRR!", I growled.

"Oh, James, they do have the I-word!", said La Netta. "And they're bringing it out!"

"Get some ice xxxxx!", said Lita.

"Blechhh!", I said. "La Netta, she said the I-word!"

"I know", said La Netta.

Then Rajendra said, "ice xxxxx".

"Blechhh! Rajendra said it too now", I said.

"Yeah", said La Netta.

"Would you like some cake and ice xxxxx?", asked Kay.

"BLECHHH!", I said.

"You didn't hear a word then", said La Netta.

"Yes, I did. Didn't you hear Kay saying 'cake and I-word'?"

"I didn't hear that."

"Kay?"

"Yes, James", said Kay.

"Did you say, 'Would you like some cake and I-word'?"

"I did", said Kay.

Rajendra said "ice xxxxx" twice more.

I kept saying "Blechhh!" until La Netta mercifully embarked on drops. She said she was waiting on Wanda, then she pushed Snodgrass' wheelchair and Snodgrass joined us on the ride home.

"Miiiiiiiiiine! Miiiiiiiiiiine!", shouted Snodgrass.

"Mike?", I asked. "Is he calling Mike Williams?"

"I think he's saying, 'Mine'," said La Netta.

Snodgrass got into the middle row, while Carl was up front. Snodgrass was screaming and saying his typical "Loooooooook!"

"You want to fight?", Carl asked.

"Carl, don't fight with Shawn!", said La Netta. "Shawn's done nothing to you!"

"Shawn is an inferior life-form!", said Carl. "He is beneath me!"

"No one is beneath no one!", retorted La Netta.

Carl was threatening Snodgrass while Snodgrass was squealing and yelling, "Fuck you, bitch!" all the way home to his house.

We dropped off Snodgrass, then took Carl home. Then it was my turn.

"James," said La Netta, "You'll soon be home where you can purge with no interruptions."

A filthy television

2011-10-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

It was the week-end, so I came out of my room after 9:00 when my bladder felt full. As I walked to the restroom, I thought I may have heard the word "txsty" coming erom the television.

"Did they say the T-word?", I asked Claudette.

"They did", said Claudette.

"Blechhh!", I said.

I went into the restroom, and instead of emptying my bladder, I unzipped my pants and made thrusts against my groin, saying,"Taeolasty; tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty; tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty; tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty . . ." I battled the mushrooms coming up out of the ground as the "txsty"s multiplied for about an hour, then I finally nailed it!

I urinated, then went back into my room.

At 4:00, I decided I'd get something to eat. I came out, and there was a drama featuring characters with upper-crust accents. Did one of them say "t-ngle"?

"Did they say the word that rhymes with 'single' on TV?", I asked Claudette.

"Yes, they did", said Claudette.

I went into the restroom and began purging that one off too. Twice that day I had had the bad luck to come out of my room just when they were saying purge words on TV.

Then came 8:00. I walked out of my room to get three piroshkis out of the freezer for my dinner. Claudette was watching a basketball game on TV.

I heated two piroshkis up, then went into my room until I was sure they were done. When I came back into the kitchen, I took them out to put the third piroshki in.

Did they say "shxpped" on TV?

"Did they say the SH-word?", I asked Claudette.

"Where?", asked Claudette.

"On TV."

"Yes they did."

"Thanks for telling me, Claudette."

"You're welcome."

I growled, then put the third piroshki in the microwave. I then walked back to my room and picked my navel. The piroshkis had all cooled off by the time I finished.

The week-ends are supposed to be peaceful and purge-free. But because of that nasty television, I heard three purge words that day.

Tiffany appears at Kennedy Grove

2011-10-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I got into the van and asked if they had said the TW-word on the radio. La Netta said no.

"Did you take a shower?", asked La Netta.

"I took one last night", I replied.

"But did you put on the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?"

I leant forward and showed La Netta my shirt. "Ta-da!"

"Oh! Great! But I smell someone. That means I must be smelling Carl. Carl, when did you have your last shower?"

"On Wednesday", said Carl.

"You've gone one whole day without showering."

"He can't develop BO that fast", I said.

"He can", said La Netta. "I smell him."

We went to the office, where Carl complained that he was ill. La Netta changed the schedule to accommodate him.

We then went into a dollar store. "Are you going to get something here?", asked La Netta.

"I am", I replied.

"Then get a basket."

"The baskets are to my left, right?"

"Open your eyes."

I opened my eyes and looked to my left. There I found something yellow with a black cobwxb design and a dipser in the middle!

"Ewwwwwww!", I said. "This is what happens when you make me open my eyes around Halloween!"

"So you're not going to get anything?", La Netta asked.

"I'm not."

We then went through the store to the juice section. "They have lots of different flavors of cranberry juice", La Netta told Carl. "There's this one . . ."

"That's grape-pomegranate", said Carl.

"You're right", said La Netta. "I thought it was cranberry."

Carl picked out a brand he liked, and we made it to the check-out.

We then walked over to Subway, where La Netta got lunch.

"James, do you want Subway?", La Netta asked.

"No", I replied.

"So you're not getting anything to eat today, right?"

I nodded.

"We're not going anywhere else to pick up lunch", La Netta said.

"I know. I didn't want lunch."

"Oh, I thought you said yes."

"I did say yes. You asked me, 'You don't want lunch, right?', so saying yes means I don't want lunch. If I had said no, that would mean I don't not want lunch, which would mean I do want lunci."

When we got back into the van, I asked about more words. "This has been a hard week for you", said La Netta.

"It has", I replied.

"What's wrong?", La Netta asked.

"I don't know what it is."

We then headed over to Kennedy Grove for lunch. La Netta played "Someone Like You" by Adele on her iPod. She said it was such a beautiful song. She asked me how to spell the artist's name.

La Netta got a list of Adele songs. She asked me if I knew them, until she got to "I Can't Make You Love Me", and I said yes. She then played that. "Any others?", she asked.

"'Rolling in the Deep'?", I asked.

"You should probably stick with 'Chasing Pavements' said Carl."

"That song has the word that rhymes with 'single' in it."

"I don't think it does.."

"Yes it does. 'And my back begins to _____' . . ."

"Oh, yeah."

"Now, what was that song you mentioned?", asked La Netta.

"'Rolling in the Deep'?", I filled her in.

La Netta played it. "Oh! I like this song! I didn't know she did it!"

I heard children saying "ice xxxxx" at the park as a whole bunch of children and their families walked by. "Blechhh!", I said.

"What is it?", asked La Netta.

"Those children said the I-word. You didn't hear it?"

"I didn't."

I went to the restroom to purge, then came out.

I heard some screaming. "Is that Snodgrass?", I asked.

"Yes, it is", said La Netta.

"Does that mean Tiffany's here?"

"It does."

"Tiffany!", I shouted.

"Hi, James", said Tiffany.

I waved.

"So how you been?", she asked.

"It's been a rough week", I said.

"Why has it been rough?"

"I've been thinking I heard a lot of words."

"How's Lamesha doing?"

"Her dog Hennessy ran away!"

"That's horrible!"

Tiffany started talking with La Netta. Then La Netta left off for the restroom.

"Will you listen out for words for me?", I asked Carl.

"Sore", said Carl.

Carl and Tiffany talked together. Then Tiffany started chatting with me again.

"Are you still blogging?", Tiffany asked me.

"Yes", I replied. "I have 13 entries this month."

"Well that's good. Because half of the days this month have been just fine."

Tiffany left at 1:30 or thereabouts, taking Snodgrass and Tully with her. Then La Netta and Carl and I drove home.

Mangosteens

2011-10-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

Taylor picked me up this morning, and told Ken, Carl and me that they would meet La Netta at 10:00.

I told Taylor that La Netta said she would take me into Wal-mart in the morning.

"Then maybe we can change the Pacific East Ranch Market to Wal-mart", said Taylor.

"Oh, I need to go to the Pacific East Ranch Market", I said. "I need to return these mangosteens."

"You bought mangosteens at the Pacific East Ranch Market?"

"Yes."

"How were they?"

"I couldn't get them open."

"Mangosteens are supposed to be hard to open. You see, they're shxpped from countries like China and Thailand . . ."

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Sorry. They're sent from countries like China and Thailand . . ."

When we got to Miller's Knots, I went to the restroom and picked my navel.

When I came out, I saw several seniors walking by. I thought a woman may have said, "Whxxps".

"Did one of the people walking by say the WH-word?", I asked Taylor.

"I didn't hear the people outside inside the van", said Taylor.

So I would have to purge! I slammed my forehead and started purging off the WH-word in the restroom. While I was purging, I noticed there were cobwxbs all around the place where the beam came down from the ceiling.

Soon a crew came to clean up the restrooms. I asked them if they could get the cobwxbs that were up there.

"Thanks for telling us", they said.

"You're welcome", I replied.

At 9:45, Taylor drove to the dog park. Aziz's group, with Gerardo, Mandy, Urdell and Roslyn, entered our van, and Wanda's group took Carl.

"Scxxt over", said Taylor as one of the clients was getting into the van.

"RRRRRRRRRRRR!", I growled, and Taylor apologized.

We drove to the CIWP office. "Whxxps! Oops!", said Gerardo.

"Did Gerardo say the WH-word?", I asked Taylor.

"He did", said Taylor.

"D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

When we got to the office, I purged off "whxxps" and "scxxt". I had a line forming outside the men's room by the time I was done.

La Netta was waiting outside the restroom for me. She took me into the van.

"I changed the schedule so you can get your juices at Target", said La Netta.

"I wanted to go to the Pacific East Ranch Market", I said.

"Do you want to go to Target or the Pacific East Ranch Market?"

I sighed. "Target."

When I got in the van, I told La Netta, "I wanted to go to the Pacific East Ranch Market so I could return these mangosteens."

"Why do you want to return them?", she asked.

"They were impossible to get open."

"Why didn't you have a staff do it for you."

"Claudette tried. She failed. Then Stan Man tried. And he failed."

"Show me the can."

"The can?"

"Didn't you buy them in a can?"

"I bought them in a net."

"Oh, then they're not going to let you return that."

"But I got cheated out of my money!"

When we parked in front of Target, La Netta asked to see the mangosteens.

I pulled out the net with the tough-as-rocks fruit.

"Oh, those are rotten", she said.

We entered Target, wherein I bought a Hawaiian punch, a Market Pantry apple juice and a Market Pantry grape juice.

When we got back in the van, La Netta said, "Let me see your receipt."

I showed it to her. It was old and crumpled up, but I had saved it.

"Oh", said La Netta. "According to this receipt, you bought them on September 13. That means they're more than a month old!" She said I should get Stan to take me back to the Pacific East Ranch Market.

We picked up Carl and drove to the office for STARS. Without Carl joining in our STARS session, I told Taylor that I couldn't go as I would have no one to listen out for words for me.

After picking up lunch, we drove to the dollar store to get cranberry juice for Carl. I bought some Zacky bologna there. When I got back into the van, I sang, "My bologna has a first name, it's Z-A-C-K-Y . . ."

Lunch was at Pinole Valley Park. We then did drops, and when I got home I ate all my bologna.

You clumsy ox!

2011-10-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

Taylor was with La Netta yesterday morning. He was talking about some R & B star, and going to her concerts. At one point, he said, "Sweat's drxpping on me".

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry", apologized Taylor.

We spent the first part of our day at the office. But Carl was sick. He was lying down.

I purged off "drxpping" in the office restroom, and came out. Carl had been put on a new medication to counteract the side effects of his Cogentin. Cogentin is the medication that made his speech impossible to understand several months ago.

I lay on the couch until we left. Carl was lying down in the middle seat, so La Netta hit the dog park instead of going to Wal-mart.

"How am I going to get my juices?", I asked La Netta.

"I don't know, James", La Netta said. "Carl's not feeling well."

We then drove off to get lonch. La Netta asked me if Chinese food would be good for me, and I replied in the affirmative. I walked into Lee's Garden and ordered chow mein, mixed vegetables with shrimp, and Mongolian beef.

"Why do you like the mixed vegetables with shrimp?", La Netta asked me.

"The shrimp gives me a chance to get some seafood", I replied.

"And the vegetables give it that extra crunch?"

"Yeah."

After the others got their lunch, we drove to Davis Park.

"I just realized we were supposed to be at Miller's Knots instead of Davis Park", said La Netta.

Carl was still lying in the middle row.

"They really ought to inform the office when they put them on new meds", said La Netta.

I was waiting for La Netta to finish her cellphone call when I got out of the van. I thought I heard a child saying, "Whxxps!"

"La Netta", I asked, "Did that little kid say the WH-word?"

"I didn't hear it, because I can't hear it outside", said La Netta. "I don't know what that little kid said."

I went in the restroom, slammed my forehead, and purged.

Just as I was walking back to the van, I heard another "whxxps".

"La Netta, did they say the WH-word?", I asked.

"You're the only one who can hear outside", La Netta said.

I ran into the restroom a second time. I slammed my forehead and exclaimed, "D'OH!" -- multiple times.

I was yelling, "You clumsy ox!" as I did my purging rituals. When I came out, I got back into the van and closed the door.

But La Netta just kept talking on her cellphone.

"I'm waiting on you to finish your cellphone call so I can take my pill", I said.

"You can't hear my call", La Netta said.

"I'm afraid you might slip up."

"I won't slip up."

Finally, she said good-bye and I took my pill.

"I heard you beating up on yourself", said La Netta.

"I was thinking about clumsy oxen", I said.

"Who was the clumsy ox?"

"I was thinking about this little boy and his father who were saying the WH-word in the restroom at Krispy Kreme. The father said the WH-word, and then his son said the WH-word, and then the father said the WH-word, and then his son said the WH-word, and it went back and forth."

"What's wrong with you today?", La Netta asked.

"Maybe it was not getting to go to Wal-mart", I replied. "Or maybe it was hearing the WH-words."

"Well, Carl's feeling sick. It wouldn't be right to make him go into Wal-mart."

"That's true, La Netta."

We drove home, and I ate my Chinese food. I wasn't too hungry, so I had to eat it in two sittings.

What's wrong, James?

2011-10-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Carl was not at program. "We've got to pick up Carl, so I don't know what that's going to do to our day", said La Netta.

La Netta asked me if I wanted to go to Grocery Outlet, and I told her I didn't have any money on me.

"Do you want to go to Las Montinas . . . Las Montanas?", asked La Netta.

"Las Montañas?", I said. "Sure!"

"Las Montanas? I'll get you all something."

La Netta drove us over, and she got me a pink cookie, free. Then she got something for Ken.

We then drove over to the office to wait on Carl.

When I tried to set my sunglasses down on the table near the couch, I saw a felt octagonal wxb with a felt dipser on it. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Maybe you want to go int he conference room?", asked La Netta. "Then you won't see that."

"I'll be in the restroom", I said.

After purging off the dipser, I sat on the conference room couch, but the movie was getting me antsy.

"Want me to move the dipser?", asked La Netta.

"Yes, La Netta", I said.

La Netta took the wxb and dipser out of sight, and I lay down on the couch in the couch room.

I told La Netta I'd be getting on the Internet, because I couldn't access 4thkingdom from my home computer last night. I got on and 4thkingdom was still down.

Shortly after I got on, I heard a coach or administrator show something to some clients. "This is real cute", the coach said.

"Oh!", said a client. "What a cutxe!"

"Echhhhh!", I said.

"Oh, I forget to tell you about that", said the coach.

"She did say the word, right?", I asked La Netta.

"She did", said La Netta.

I checked the Webkinz website for some new Webkinz (they had an aardvark at the top of their catalogue now -- must have added some new species), then went into the restroom to purge.

"James, what's wrong?", asked La Netta.

"I'm not sure what it is," I told La Netta.

"Because something's clearly wrong with you."

"Maybe it was hearing the C-word?"

I walked around the office disoriented. I tried sleeping on the couch.

Someone dropped Carl off, so we were ready to leave. The others picked up lunch, and next we were at Kennedy Grove.

La Netta and I talked with the people at Kennedy Grove, until the other groups left. Then La Netta picked up the towel and proceeded to erive us home.

Words with "ice" in them

2011-10-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I had diarrhea. La Netta called Stan and asked for me to be taken home, but I didn't want to go home.

Thursday, Carl was unwell. "Carl isn't feeling well", said La Netta.

La Netta sat down in the conference room with Ken, Carl and me. She and Ken were sitting around the table, while Carl was lying down on the conference room's couch and I was sitting at the side of the couch. Carl had his eyes closed.

La Netta asked me where I wanted to go.

"Let's go to Wal-mart", I said.

"We went to Wal-mart this week", said La Netta.

"But this week it's I who's suggesting it. Last week it was Carl's idea."

"When do you want to go to Wal-mart?"

"On Monday."

I also suggested the Pacific East Ranch Market, which La Netta put on Tuesday. She also put down Spirit Halloween for Carl.

Eventually we finished the schedule. Carl went into the couch room to lie down.

La Netta asked whether I knew how to make a photocopy of the schedule. I said I did, so I went into the office and placed the schedule face-down on the copier.

After a copy came out, I slammed the top of the copier down.

"Be more gentle", said Maria.

Shortly after I stepped out of the room, Maria said, "Pxrdon?"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What's up with you, James?", asked La Netta.

"Did you hear what Maria said?"

"No."

"She said her word."

"Oh."

So I went into the restroom and purged the "pardon" off.

La Netta said I could lie down on the floor in the exercise room.

After I got up to spit in the restroom, La Netta told me that Carl was up off the couch, and the couch room was open for me. I lay down on the couch until La Netta went to the restroom herself.

After some stops at the car wash and bank, our group headed to Trader Joe's. "You want to get a basket?", asked La Netta.

I looked; they had Halloween stuff out. There were cobwxbs. Gross!

I finally found the basket, and followed La Netta to the fruits and vegetables. Two of the fruit items had the word "Yxm!" written on their signs. More things for me to purge off.

"Where do you want to go, again?", La Netta asked.

"To the frozen food aisle", I replied.

La Netta took me over to the frozen eoods. While I began to look, I heard another customer in the store speaking to her friend. "Would you like to look at ice xxxxx?", she said.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"We're getting some ice xxxxx."

"Blechhh!"

"Oooooh, that's bad!", said Carl.

"La Netta, would you look for enchiladas for me?"

"You wanted the foods, you're going to have to look yourself."

"I don't want to see words that have 'ice' in them."

"Do we have to leave?"

"No."

"James!", said Carl. "There are some rice dishes here!"

"I don't want to look at the word 'rice', because you know what word that has in it."

"Ooh, you're right. Well, most of them don't actually say the word 'rice' on them. They have rice as an ingredient."

I told La Netta I wanted to look at the chocolate after none of the enchiladas were big enough.

La Netta said the chocolate was on top.

I looked until I found some pecan pralines. "I've found what I want", I told La Netta.

"OK," said La Netta.

I went first, then La Netta bought everything she got, including some sushi. I asked for a white plastic bag.

We then got Ken's and Carl's lunches at Subway, and soon we were at Pinole Valley Park.

We weren't at the section with the portable. "I guess this means I'll have to hold my purge words in, right?", I asked La Netta.

"Well, maybe if you go quick", said La Netta.

I sat for a while, then got out to go.

"Hey, James", said La Netta.

"Yes, La Netta?", I asked.

"What does that purge consist of?"

"It's a pretty plain purge", I said.

"Oh, OK, so you don't say anything?"

"Actually, I do."

"Oh, then this wouldn't be a good place to go purge it off."

I sat in the van. "Is that sushi?", I asked La Netta.

"It is", she said. "You want a piece?"

"I can't swallow."

"Oh. How long are you going to take? Five minutes? Ten minutes?"

"Well, I saw a lot of letter sequences after hearing the two I-words, so I'll have to purge all those off."

"Then you may have to hold it till you get home."

I asked La Netta if she could take me to the part of the park with the portable when everyone was done eating.

"We'll see", she said.

La Netta made a cellphone call. Then she told her interlocutor, "I've got to go, I'm about to take James over to the portables."

"Yay!", I said. "Let me get my seatbelt on!"

After I buckled up, La Netta drove us over to the secluded portion of the park, with the portable.

"Thanks for taking me to the portable, La Netta", I said.

"Mm-hm", La Netta said.

I went in and purged off all the "rice"s and "ice"s and "licorice"s and "cream"s I had seen. Then I purged off the "have a nice day"s and the "rice"s and "ice"s that I had heard. I did 16 more accented "ice"s and 16 more "I see"s, then got to purging off the "ice xxxxx"s. I could taste nougaty ice xxxxx coming up, so those went rather quickly.

Then came the two "yxm"s: "Yadolum, yadolum, yadolum, yadolum, yadolum . . ."

Finally I did all the cobwxb. It was such a tacky Halloween decoration.

I then washed my hands.

When I came out, I asked La Netta how her sushi was.

"I only had three of them", she said.

"May I have a piece?", I asked.

"You want a piece?"

"Sure."

La Netta gave me one square of sushi, which I picked up and ate. It was delicious!

Urban Ore Ecopark -- at last

2011-10-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

Carl had always asked for Urban Ore Ecopark, and we had always put it on the schedule. But every time, something arose and we couldn't go to this Berkeley site.

Today we drove over to Berkeley, with Urban Ore Ecopark in sight to go there for real. On the drive there, Ken told La Netta, "I gxtcha, La Netta, I gxtcha".

"Did Ken say the G-word, La Netta?", I asked.

"No, James", said Ken.

"La Netta?"

"Yes, he did", said La Netta.

"Rrrrrrrrrr", I growled.

We walked into Urban Ore Ecopark. I spat into a garbage can out front.

The place was full of old items. "Look at those pipes", La Netta told me.

I looked behind the glass and found five old pipes for smoking. The labels said there were also some Star Trek action figures behind the glass, but I didn't see any -- apparently some Trekkie had already bought them all.

"Don't look to your . . . left", said La Netta. I avoided looking to my left as I walked through.

Carl checked out some computers and wires. He asked me a question about the wires.

"How should I know?", I asked. "I'm not good with machines."

La Netta told Carl to try the computers he was looking at first. (Carl really wants to buy a computer.)

There were also a lot of pictures and picture frames to look at. These were scattered across the store.

Finally we left, and walked by a host of toilets outside.

La Netta told Carl, "If you get a computer that was made in the 90's, it will be slow."

La Netta then said, "Now we're driving over to Berkeley Bowl."

"Oh, great", said Carl.

"It's not that bad", she said. "It's like Trader Joe's."

We then walked into Berkeley Bowl, and looked at the pasta. We then looked at Chinese, Indian and Thai food. At the Greek and Middle Eastern food section, I picked out a box of dolmas and a "Back Home Wrap", filled with hummus and jalapeño peppers.

"There's your bread", said La Netta.

I didn't see any challah, so I walked on. At the pastry section, there were hamantaschen, but one box was over $7.

La Netta looked at the vitamins and herbal supplements. A woman was standing behind me, replenishing shelves.

"There's someone behind you, James", said La Netta.

I started to say, "Don't worry, I see her", but began coughing and choking on my saliva.

Kha! Kha! Kha! Kha!

"Don't you want to swallow that?", asked La Netta.

When I regained my peace oe body, I told La Netta, "I was trying to say, 'Don't worry, I see her'."

"Oh, OK", said La Netta.

We walked past the candy section. There were some Halloween-themed candies, but luckily no dipsers.

Finally, we paid for our stuff. When we got outside, I spat into a garbage can.

"La Netta", I said, "When I was in the store, I couldn't swallow my spit, because I hadn't purged off Ken's G-words yet."

"Oh, OK", said La Netta. "But isn't it sometimes best to swallow?"

"No", said Carl. "You should never swallow it. Just spit it out!"

Carl got lunch at In-N-out Burger, while La Netta ordered a strawberry shxke at McDonald's.

"Friends don't let friends eat at McDonald's!", said Carl. "Do some research into what they put in McDonald's burgers!"

"Well, you should do some research into what they put into Taco Bell", said La Netta. "That beef -- it's not real ground beef."

La Netta got out the towel as we had lunch at Kennedy Grove. I went to the restroom to purge off Ken's "gxtcha"s. When I was done purging, I took my pills.

It was Alejandra's birthday today, so they took a picture of people standing around Alejandra. I decided to get in the picture.

"Scxxt", I heard a woman telling another person in the picture. "Scxxt up!"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

The picture was then taken.

"Who said the SC-word?", I asked La Netta.

"I wasn't in the picture, so I don't know", she said.

"You couldn't make out whose voice it was?"

"I didn't even hear it."

I walked back into the Kennedy Grove restroom. "Scadoloot", I said, making carroty stuff come up. "Scaeoloot up!"

When I was finished, I walked back out and sat down on the towel. Then I began pacing around. I talked with other clients about what I had seen and gotten at Berkeley Bowl that day.

Finally Alejandra said good-bye to me. I bade her good-bye and added, "Happy birthday!"

We left off and drove towards Ken's house. Stan told La Netta to let James in the house along with Carl and Ken.

After I walked in, I hung out in the bathroom.

Finally, Stan Man got me and said, "Your ride is here!"

I walked out and went into the van where Pia was.

"Can we have 103.7?", I asked.

"No, because we're listening to KBLX", said Pia.

Pia spoke to someone, then I told her I was putting my headphones on, and asked her to listen out to KBLX and turn off the radio if they started doing traffic.

"Doesn't 103.7 do traffic too?", asked Pia.

"Not in the middle of the day", I said.

"I don't think KBLX does traffic in the middle of the day either."

"KBLX does traffic every twenty minutes or so."

"It does?"

"You never noticed that?"

"I don't notice things like that. What station did you want?"

"103.7."

Pia switched the station.

Just then, she saw someone she knew in another car while she was driving.

"She's a cutxe patootie!", said Pia.

"Echhhh!", I said.

"She's really a cutxe!"

"Echhhh!"

When the stoplight ended, the two drove their separate ways and the conversation ended.

"You said--", I started.

"I said 'cutxe'," said Pia. "I'm sorry."

Pia took me home and I began purging.

Stan knocked at the door.

"I'm purging", I said.

I kept on purging. Thirty minutes later, Stan knocked again.

"Who is it?", I asked.

"It's Stan", Stan said.

"I'm still purging."

"What are you purging off?"

"The C-word."

"What kind of purge is that?"

"Just my usual."

"What's your usual."

"I scrape my hands across my groin."

"Ooh, that must be painful. Make sure you wash your hands after that."

Stan didn't come again.

At 8:01, I finished. I drank some juice, then ate my wrap. I was so hungry I ate the dolmas too (there were only four dolmades). I then came out to tell Levette I was ready for my pill.

Waiting on orange chicken

2011-10-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

We were at the office this morning, working on a schedule. I told La Netta I didn't get to go to Smart & Final yesterday, so I wanted to go next week.

"Did you go to Fallas?", asked La Netta.

"We didn't", I replied.

"Then I'll put today's schedule for next week."

Carl got off track. He started singing, "And the Jedi I admired most/Fought Darth Maul and now he's toast".

"I thooght it was 'Met up with Darth Maul'", I said.

"I thought it was 'fought'."

"I thought it was 'met up with'. La Netta, do you know?"

"No", said La Netta.

"I guess you don't listen to Weird Al."

"Bright people listen to Weird Al," said Carl.

"James, does your brother listen to that kind of music?", asked La Netta.

"No, he doesn't", I replied.

"And James' brother is very bright."

"There's a special type of person who listens to Weird Al", Carl said. "People whose intelligence is so high that it holds them back socially."

"You can't say that about people."

"There are whole communities of people like James and me", said Carl. "People whose intelligence is so high that it holds them back socially."

"My intelligence doesn't hold me back socially", I said. "I have a lot of friends. Lamesha, Jolene, Carl, La Netta, Ken, Tiffany, Tone, Natalie Nehrebecki, John Hensle . . ." I began listing all the names.

"And how often do you get to see these friends?", Carl asked. "I have my friends, but I don't get to see them very often."

Then Carl began putting down other clients, saying most of the people here were mentally challenged or physically challenged, and he was neither. He pulled off a trick with his hand to prove he was not physically challenged, then attempted to prove he was not mentally challenged by calculating the square root of pi.

"Could a mentally challenged person pull that off?", he asked.

"Someone with Asperger's who was obsessed with math might be able to do that", I said.

"Right", said La Netta. "And you shouldn't put people down, because we're all made by God, and God didn't make no mistakes."

"God made Eve in his image", said Carl. "Adam was made out of garbage."

"You've got it all twisted", said La Netta. "God made Adam first."

"No, God made Eve first. Woman came first." Carl was soon immersed in a Weird Al Yankovic medley: "Beat It", "I'm Fat", "The Saga Begins" and "Yoda".

I suggested we check the computer, and Carl turned it on. He opened the Google window, and I googled "And the Jedi I admired most". The results showed that the next line was "Met up with Darth Maul". "I was right", I told Carl.

We then left the office to go to the gas station and get lunch. We visited Asia Delight, but the orange chicken bin was empty when it was my turn.

"Do you want to wait on the orange chicken and sesame chicken?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I said.

While I was there I heard someone saying something that sounded like "ice xxxxx".

"Did he say 'ice xxxxx'?", I asked La Netta.

"No, he didn't", said La Netta.

Soon afterwards, I heard it again.

"Was that the I-word?", I asked.

"It wasn't", said La Netta.

"Then what did he say?"

"It wasn't the I-word."

"Are they speaking a foreign language?"

"Yes."

Then I heard those fellows speaking English. They said "fucked".

"La Netta, are you sure they weren't speaking English at first?", I asked.

"I know they weren't", she said. "They were speaking Spanish."

It came my turn, and I ordered chow mein, orange chicken and fish with peppers.

La Netta untied my bag, and checked to make sure they gave me the right order. She took the frok out, and then tied it up again. She also found the coins in my bag to make $5.36 faster than I could.

We then stopped at Taco Bell for Carl, and hit the road.

I saw a truck with a woman surrounded by $5 and $10 bills on the back. On the side was pictures of furniture. The left picture showed a child's bedroom. Was that a Winnxe the Pooh backpack?

"Yes, it is", said La Netta. "You've been seeing a lot of Winnxe the Pooh lately."

La Netta went to the part of Pinole Valley Park that had a portable. I went into the portable to purge.

When "Disturbia" by Rihanna came on Star 101.3, La Netta switched to KBLX, where they were playing "Black Magic Woman" by Santana. When the DJ started talking, I asked for 103.7.

La Netta switched the station and I heard "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz.

"This is 103.7?", I asked.

"It's 101.3", said Carl.

When Star 101.3 hit a commercial break, La Netta asked, "Now, what was that station you wanted to hear?"

"103.7", I replied.

She switched the station and soon they were playing "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes. Next came "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John.

"Now, if he really loved men", said Carl, "You'd expect him to be singing, 'Hold me closer, Tony Danza'. Instead he's talking about self-reliance, a guy's . . ."

"So you're saying the song is about part of himself?", I asked.

"Yes", said Carl. "All of Elton John's songs are about that. 'Rocket Man'! Seriously!"

"What about 'Crocodile Rock'? That's about a girl named Suzy."

"And 'Norma Jean' is about Marilyn Monroe."

The next song that came on was new to me. It said "axx oxxx the pxxxx", and I went, "Ewwwww!"

La Netta turned it off.

"James, they didn't say what you think they did", said Carl. "They said 'face'."

"But they rhymed it with the A, O the P words, right La Netta?", I asked.

"Right", said La Netta.

I went to the restroom and purged off the phrase "axx oxxx the pxxxx". Then I washed my hands. I complained about the way only a little water squirted out at a time.

Shortly, we left off for home. I said good-bye to Carl and Ken, then La Netta made it to my group home.

A dizzying day

2011-10-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

When I came out of my room yesterday, I saw Taylor instead of La Netta. The only other client in the van was Carl.

As I sat in the van, I said, "Wait, I forgot my sleep mask".

I walked back towards the door, but the door was locked.

"Taylor", I said, "Since I don't have my sleep mask, can you tell me if we're going to pass Frosty Freeze?"

"Sure", said Taylor. "Where's it located?"

"No", said Carl. "He's trying to avoid it."

"I know. Where's it located so I can drive around it?"

"There's one in Pinole on San Pablo", I said. "And then there's one on University."

"Also", said Carl. "You would like to avoid driving around a place called Red Onion. It's a really random hamburger joint."

"All right, I shall keep an exe out for it", said Taylor.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry", said Taylor.

We then stopped at Miller's Knots. Taylor asked if I had to use the restroom, and I said yes. I went in and purged off "keep an exe out".

We then took a long walk all around the park. Carl called each quarter benchmark.

After we finished, Taylor asked what we wanted for lunch. I told him I had been craving a burrito from the burrito truck. Carl said he also wanted a burrito, because that was what was affordable.

Taylor asked if we needed anything from Smart & Final, and I said I wanted some Tampicos. Carl gave him directions, but Taylor went the wrong way and ended up in front of Food Maxx.

"You just want to go into Food Maxx instead?", asked Taylor.

"Do they have Tampicos?", I asked.

"They should. Everywhere has Tampicos."

We went inside and I picked out two Tampicos. We then used the self-check-out.

We next spent some time at the office. Carl had a scheduled conversation with a CIWP employee. We also picked up Ken.

"When it says 10:45, we're going to leave the office and head to the burrito truck", said Taylor.

We were soon at the burrito truck -- Tapatio's. Carl and I both ordered vegetarian super burritos.

"I need to go to the restroom", said Taylor. "I'll be back."

"Did I hear a WH-word?", I asked Carl as we waited in the van for Taylor.

"I just hear the van's engine running", said Carl.

Just then, a car playing rap passed by. The lyrics sounded as if they were saying "txsty".

"Did that rap song have the T-word in it?", I asked.

"I couldn't make out any words", said Carl.

"I'll be in the restroom", I said. I walked inside the Tapatio's store, and approached the restrooms. I assumed Taylor was in there, but soon a female employee came and opened the men's room with a key. It was empty.

"Txsty", I thought to myself. I needed to purge off four "txsty"s before I could make it to the main entrée. But then I thought txsty, txsty, txsty to myself while I was doing the "tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty" part at the beginning. Then I thought txsty, txsty, txsty again. I tried to think "saty" instead of "txsty", but it didn't always work.

Carl walked up. "James, this is what I heard from the rap song." Carl started beatboxing.

Soon I was juggling lots of "txsty"s and even some "Mr. Txstee"s.

"We need to go to lunch", said Taylor.

"I'll be out as soon as I can", I told him.

Finally, I finished up, and washed my hands. I came out.

The group was having lunch at Davis Park. We went to the grassy side. The others ate their burritos while I stood around.

We didn't want to stand around until drop time, so Taylor called the office and asked for a schedule change.

The group parked near Fashion for Less, then Carl looked at some Halloween costumes in the store. I told Taylor to tell me if he saw any pajamdras.

Taylor and Carl both listened out for words for me. After Fashion for Less, we walked over to Starbuck's.

A song played at Starbuck's as Taylor ordered his coffee. "Did this song sing the C-word?", I asked Carl.

"No, it didn't", said Carl.

We then went into the dollar store, dodging car radios and human conversation. I also had to dodge trees. By the time I got into the dollar store, I was strung-out.

I closed my eyes and held onto Taylor's arm as we walked through Halloween decorations. Carl found what he wanted and bought it, then we headed straight back out.

Next, Carl suggested we go to K-mart. Taylor drove over and we walked in.

"There's Halloween stuff", said Carl. "Follow my voice . . . follow my voice . . . follow my voice . . ." I walked behind Carl with my eyes closed.

"Now we've made it through the Halloween section", said Carl.

Carl looked at blankets and asked if they had one with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle on it. The employee said he didn't recall one, but then again he didn't go by that section very often.

I heard a "Whoo, sorry" as we were walking towards the restrooms.

"Did someone say, 'WH-word, sorry'?", I asked Taylor.

"I didn't hear that", said Taylor.

"Did someone say, 'Whoo, sorry'?"

"I didn't hear that either."

"What did you hear?"

"I didn't hear anything, because I was listening to the song."

When I was in the restroom, I walked up to Carl. "Carl, did you he say, 'WH-word, sorry' or 'Whoo, sorry'?"

"I heard, 'Ooh, sorry'," said Carl.

"Thanks!", I said. "Taylor, you heard Carl?"

"Yes", said Taylor.

I hung around while the others relieved themselves. Then we looked around a bit more and left.

We made a long trek back to the van. I plugged my ears as we passed by talking people. Then I had to ask Taylor whether a tree was touching me.

"The tree is above you", Taylor said. "You're not touching it."

I ducked and walked to the left of the tree.

"Now you're good", said Taylor.

I plugged my ears as car radios passed by. We then had to dodge another tree. By now I was feeling disoriented.

Dodging more car radios and finally we were back to the CIWP van. I walked inside with my ears plugged and sat down in my seat. I was thinking about telling Stan I wouldn't be able to ride in the van with him today because I had been so stressed out by taking rides and going into stores and walking down streets.

Luckily, Stan Man didn't ask me to take a ride when I got home. Stan Man wasn't even there. Instead I walked in the open door and saw Claudette.

STARS

2011-10-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I was in the van with Carl when he asked me if I had seen the pirate episode of Family Guy.

"The pilot episode?", I asked.

"The pirate episode", he said. "Where Peter meets a pirate?"

"I haven't seen that one."

"He was shxpping tea . . ."

"Rrrrrrrrrrr", I growled.

"Sorry", apologized Carl. "He was sending the tea . . ."

Carl described the episode as we drove to Grocery Outlet.

"What did you want to look at while we're at Grocery Outlet?", asked La Netta.

"I wanted to look at the frozen food, at the candy aisle, and at the lunch meats", I replied.

"Halloween stuff to your right", said La Netta.

"Thanks for telling me, La Netta", I said, and cupped a hand in front of my right eye.

"Also Pooh Bear to your right."

"Thanks, La Netta."

La Netta took us to the candy aisle first.

I saw a bag that showed Winnxe the Pooh trick-or-treating. "Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"I know", said La Netta.

I didn't find anything that looked good in the candy aisle, so we headed over to the lunch meat. I picked out some bratwurst.

Then we were at the frozen foods. I placed three piroshkis in my basket, and also found an Amy's enchilada.

When I turned a corner, I saw a Dipser-man action figure in its case. "Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"What was the 'Ewwwwwwww'?" asked La Netta.

I walked back and pointed to it.

"It's a Marvel character", said Carl.

After we paid for our stuff, we drove back to the office.

I went in the restroom and began purging, starting with Dipser-man. He had a suit with a dipser on it. I started by purging off the dipser. "Adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye . . .", I chanted.

Then I got to Dipser-man's pupilless eyes. "Adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye . . ."

I was still purging when La Netta told me STARS was starting.

In STARS, a man named Justin introduced himself to us and said he would be leading STARS. We had a group of eight: yours truly, Carl, René, Miguel, Judy, Billie Jean, Ayyoon and Robert Jamison.

Carl walked out of the session during a question on masturbation.

I heard Miguel saying something that sounded like "Cutxe . . . cutxe".

I raised my hand.

"I'm sorry", said Justin. "Could you remind me, what's your name again?"

"His name is James", someone filled him in.

"Yes, James?"

"Lita?", I said.

"Lita left", said Justin.

"Did someone say the C-word?"

"What word would that be?"

"Rhymes with 'beauty'?"

"Everyone watch their language here", said Justin. "I don't want anyone to feel hurt."

At the end of our meeting, I heard Justin say, "Whxxps!" as he picked up a piece of paper.

"D'OH!", I said, started to slam my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! You said the WH-word!"

"When?", asked Justin.

"The word that rhymes with 'groups'," I said.

After I repeated "rhymes with 'groups'" a few more times, Justin asked, "You mean 'whxxps'?"

"That word!", I said.

"You don't like that word? Sorry. Sometimes I say that instead of 'oops'."

I went to purge the "whxxps"es and "cutxe"s off in the restroom when the meeting ended. Then La Netta told me I had a line forming outside the restroom and we were leaving soon.

I left and entered the van with Carl and La Netta.

"Did you take your pill yet?", asked La Netta.

"No", I replied.

"Why not?"

"I didn't get finished purging."

"Then why don't you go back in the restroom and finish? You have about ten minutes."

I went in the restroom and began purging off those "whxxps"es. I was taking longer than ten minutes.

Eventually Carl came and said, "La Netta says we're leaving."

We drove home, and I finished purging everything off at home. I couldn't take my Zoloft or Risperdal until 6:04.

A very special day

2011-10-10T21:32:00.002-07:00

Friday morning La Netta came to my house at 7:15 a.m. I'm usually picked up after 8:00, but this was a very special day.

It took fifteen minutes to get to Carl's house. Once Carl got in, he said, "Dammit!"

"Carl, we need to go", said La Netta.

"I forgot something! She didn't give me my money!"

"Well, don't talk about it, just go and get it real quick!"

"I need my money!" Carl went back in the house.

Soon he came in with his money.

"It's 8:14", La Netta said when we arrived at Jolene's house. "Jolene's probably getting ready for her bus to arrive."

I walked up to the door.

"Hello, James!", said Jolene. "Hello, James!"

La Netta and I walked in. There we saw Brittany. She was in her pajamdras! Pink T-nkerbell pajamdras!

"Hi, Jolene", said La Netta.

"My leg hurts", said Jolene.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Jolene", I said.

"My leg hurts."

"Jolene!", I said. "I've got something for you." I handed Jolene a Ross bag.

As Jolene opened the bag, she pulled the stuffed animal out of it.

"It's an elephant!", said Brittany.

"An elephant!", said Jolene.

"There's something else in the bag!"

Jolene reached in and pulled out the See's Chocolates bag.

"Open it!", La Netta said.

Jolene pulled the sticker off and opened her bag of See's chocolates. Inside was peanut crunch.

"Your favorite!", said La Netta.

"Jolene", I asked, "How is Robin treating you?"

"Robin doesn't live here anymore", said Brittany. "He moved to a house in Antooch. He's been living here since he was 17." Robin was in his thirties now.

La Netta asked Jolene for a hug. Jolene started to get up off the couch and get her walker, but La Netta told Jolene that she would walk over and hug Jolene on the couch.

After La Netta and Jolene hugged, it was my turn. I walked up to Jolene and, standing up, reached my arms out. She put her arms around me. We spent a long time hugging. Hugging Jolene -- my second favorite thing in the world to do!

"By the way, Jolene", I said, "Lita says iello. She also says happy birthday."

"Thank you! Thank you!", said Jolene.

"You're welcome, you're welcome. Happy birthday, Jolene!"

"Thank you!"

"You're welcome! "

"Are we ready to leave?", La Netta asked. "When Brittany comes back, tell her thank you."

"Go! Robin, go!", said Jolene.

"Jolene!", said La Netta.

"ROBIN! GO!" Jolene was starting to get cranky. She was yelling now.

Finally Brittany came out of the bathroom, and I thanked her for letting me come over. Jolene was still yelling.

La Netta and I said good-bye to Jolene and went on with our day.

"La Netta, when are we getting to a restroom?", I asked. "I need to purge off Brittany's pajamdras."

"We're going to the office", she said.

We drove to the office to pick up Adam.

"These pants are getting snxg on me now", said Carl.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Is that a word?"

"The SN-word? Yes."

"Sorry, I didn't know."

At the office I purgee off Brittany's pajamdras, then did "snxg".

Carl was on the computer in the main office. When I walked into the work-out room, I saw a rubber dipser. Back to the restroom!

We eventually left for a trip to Sears. When La Netta returned from Sears, we visited Grocery Outlet.

I picked out two bottles of Tampico and six piroshkis, while La Netta meanwhile bought some fig bars. We then headed to Michael's.

At Michael's, I asked La Netta if there was any Halloween stuff, and she said there was Halloween stuff all around. I cupped both hands around my eyes and closed my right eye.

I made it out safely, then we had lunch at Kennedy Grove. (Well, I didn't have lunch, but you know what I mean . . .)

As I walked up to the table, I heard an older woman say, "Pxrdon?" I growled loudly.

"What's up, James", asked La Netta.

"Didn't you hear what that lady said?", I asked.

"No, what did she say?"

"She said, 'Pardon'."

"Well, take care of it."

I purged off "pardon" in the restroom, then as I sat down on the toilet I heard Carl.

"James?", said Carl. "When will you be out?"

"I'm done purging", I said. "I'll be out soon. I'm on the toilet seat!"

After I came out, I let him in. Then when he finished, I took my pills.

Cliff told La Netta to "keep an exe on my people while I'm in the restroom".

"EWWWWWW!", I said, startled.

"Go take care of it", said La Netta. I purged some more.

"Cliff says he's sorry", said La Netta when I came back.

We left after a few hours there, ready for a three-day week-end. I had seen an old friend.

Cooking with Carl

2011-10-10T21:32:00.001-07:00

On Thursday we spent the beginning of the day at the office. When we got out of the office, we sat in the van. I asked La Netta if we could go to Grocery Outlet to get a piroshki for Jolene, and she said maybe.

La Netta asked me if I wanted to pitch in 2 or 3 dollars for buying the food Carl was going to cook.

"Sure, I could do that", I said.

"The only thing", La Netta said, "Is you should only pay if you're going to eat some of what Carl is cooking."

"Then forget it", I said.

"That was was I thought", said La Netta.

"James", said Carl, "I know how you feel. I don't trust Sonya's cooking. I came in and saw her doing something to the food. And ever since then . . . I haven't been able to eat it. But I can took well. My food is actually pretty txsty."

"Blechhh!", I said.

"Go back into the office", La Netta told me.

So I went into the office and used their restroom. I thought I could be quick, but then I thought txsty, txsty, txsty to myself as I was doing the "tadolasty, taeolasty, tadolasty" part at the beginning. Then when I tried it a second time, I again thought txsty, txsty, txsty.

The words continued to multiply like this. Soon, I was back down to seven, then down to three, then down to two, then up to five, then down to one, then I nailed it!

Six things I like about myself

2011-10-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today, as we drove to the office, La Netta suggested I talk to Lita about how to work Friday morning out. I am supposed to visit Jolene Friday morning at 8:10, but Carl doesn't want to get up early.

We walked into the office. La Netta said Lita wanted to meet with Carl and me. Lita was in her office, and I listened -- she was talking to someone.

I explained to La Netta that Lita was talking to someone. Then La Netta said, "Ayyoon just came out. That's probably whom she was talking with."

I walked up to the doorway between the main office and Maria's room. "Lita?", I said.

"I'm on the phone", said Lita.

I walked back out.

"Did you get to talk about what you wanted?", La Netta asked.

"Lita was on the phone", I said.

La Netta went to the restroom. I went in the men's while she used the women's.

While I was in there, someone knocked. Two boys had to use my restroom.

While I was outside, I wondered if I had heard the word "jxggle".

"Carl?", I asked.

"Yes?", said Carl.

"Did I hear the J-word?"

"I didn't hear it."

"You were listening, right?"

"Right."

Eventually both boys got finished, and I was back in the men's room. La Netta finally knocked.

Lita was ready, and I walked into her office.

"How may I help you?", she asked.

"It's about my meeting with Jolene", I said.

"Do you want me to call Brittany to reconfirm?"

"It's that we're meeting Jolene at 8:10 in the morning, and Carl says he won't be able to get up that early."

"Well, La Netta picks you up at 8:00, right? She can pick Carl up at 7:50. He's used to getting up that early."

"Do you want to speak with La Netta?"

"Yes. Tell her to 'come in, please'."

"La Netta? Lita says to come in, please."

La Netta walked in. She told Lita that she'd have to get Carl as early as 7:45, which meant he would have to be ready to 7:30.

Lita said that Carl could do that. After all, we always make accommodations for him.

"Like not going to the top floor in stores?", I asked.

"Right, like that", said Lita. She said she'd call Brittany to reconfirm.

"While you're at it, could you ask her to make sure the news isn't on when I come over?", I asked.

"OK," said Lita, "Maybe they can watch the news the hour before 8:00."

"But you can't be too picky", said La Netta. "Maybe there's someone at the house who likes to watch the news."

"What am I going to do if I hear the M-word?"

"We can take you to the bathroom."

"It takes an awful long time to purge off the M-word in connection with traffic."

"Oh", said La Netta sadly.

Carl then wanted to speak to Lita. Lita was busy, but he got to speak to Taylor.

Lita then called Carl and me into the conference room along with Renée, Billie Jean, Robert Jamison, Miguel, Ayyoon and one other client whose name escapes me at the time.

She told us about something they were starting called STARS. STARS would teach about self-advocacy and assertiveness and unwelcome touching, as well as relationships and sex. The fourth part would get into the gory details of the reproductive system, STD's and contraception.

She had us sign a permission form for participation and cut all of our forms off. Then Lita had os each list three things we liked about our physical appearance and three things we liked about our personality.

"I put down 'My Kurt Cobain hairstyle'," I said.

"Good", said Lita.

Carl said there was no way he could fill out the form. He could not think of anything he liked about himself. Carl turned it into Lita without filling it out.

When I was done, this was what my list looked like:

Three things I like about my physical appearance
1. My Kurt Cobain hairstyle
2. My red beard
3. My suppleness

Three things I like about my personality
1. My creativity and artistic nature
2. My anarchistic tendencies
3. My ability to explain myself

I left it on the table.

La Netta stopped off at the burrito truck. Carl was greeted as "amigo" by the fellow working there. He knew that Carl wanted a vegetarian super burrito.

I ordered a head super burrito and paid $4 for it.

We then talked about going to Las Montañas for some pastries.

"I want you to pick them out for me", said Carl.

"Why me?", asked La Netta.

"I'm clumsy!", said Carl. "Remember last time when I dropped them?"

La Netta said she'd manage the tongs.

"Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy, clumsy, clumsy, clumsy, clumsy ox!", I began singing to the tune of that Enya song that has the word "scipiunt" in it.

"Who are you calling an ox?", asked La Netta.

"I'm just thinking about the WH-word", I said.

"Oh, James!", said Carl. "Remember how in Scarlet Fever and the Seven Little People we have a little person named Clumsy?"

"Yeah?"

"We would have him put together out of pieces in a lab my one Dr. Clumsenstein."

"Great idea!"

We finally parked in front of Las Montañas.

There was a tree close to the van. I looked up to see whether the branches and leaves would touch me if I got out. When I got out I saw -- the vending machines in front of Las Montañas!

As soon as we were in front of the store, I inspected it for characters. I saw one Winnxe the Pooh and two Tiggers.

I entered the store and called for my friends.

"We're over here", said Carl.

We visited the pastry section, where La Netta got some jelly doughnuts and Carl got what he wanted, and both paid for their delights. Then we left Las Montañas.

Our next stop was Davis Park. When we got out, La Netta asked if I wanted to go to the restroom, and I said yes. I walked over and purged for a loooooong time.

When I got back La Netta asked if I had been purging. I told her I had.

"What did you need to purge off?", she asked.

I explained to her about the vending machines in front of Las Montañas.

Carl and I ate our burritos, then Carl ate his chips. We listened to some other people at the park talking, then La Netta drove us all home.

My bologna has a first name

2011-10-04T23:23:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, we were at the dollar store. La Netta told me, "James, there's Halloween stuff in this aisle".

My eyes were already cupped, but now I closed my eyes completely. "La Netta, will you hold onto my arm?", I asked.

"Sure, James", she said.

I interlocked arms with La Netta as we strode down the aisle. She told me Carl wanted to look at the junk.

Soon we were out of the aisle. La Netta told me it was safe to look again.

I saw something Winnxe the Pooh. I went, "Ewwwwwwww!", and La Netta asked, "What?"

I showed her.

"James, do you want lunchmeat or something here?", she asked.

"No thanks", I said. Then I changed my mind. "Sure, why not?"

La Netta said there was lunchmeat down that way. I walked down, until La Netta told me that was the wrong place.

She gave me new directions, and then when I still didn't find the lunchmeat, she gave me newer directions. Eventually I got to the freezer.

I surveyed the bologna options. No Butterball.

Finally, I walked back to the cart. "My bologna has a first name, it's Z-A-C-K-Y", I sang.

"Oh, good", said La Netta.

I also picked out a pomegranate.

We all paid for our stuff. Then I had to get Winnxe the Pooh out of me.

We stopped at a fast-food restaurant in which I used the restroom to spit, then La Netta drove us over to Miller's Knots. After listening to some really good Star 101.3 songs, I went to the restroom at purged off Winnxe the Pooh.

I came back to the van in the pouring rain.

"Did you wash your hands?", asked La Netta.

"No, but we have hand sanitizer", I said.

"You didn't even ask me for any."

"May I have some?"

"Sure." And La Netta poured it into one hand.

A bad physical

2011-10-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I was driven over to the Richmond Medical Center to get an annual physical with Dr. Shah. Pia asked me if I remembered Dr. Shah and I told her I did.

I put my headphones on once we were in the waiting room. Pia brought over some papers and I signed and filled out all of them.

Pia rubbed up against my knees. I saw her and she said Dr. Shah was here.

I turned my CD player off and put it and my headphones into my red bag. I carried my red bag with me as I walked down, careful not to look at anything that would make me purge.

Then they announced that they didn't have a room for me. False alarm!

I went back to my seat and put my headphones back on.

I listened to about six songs before Pia rubbed against my knees again. I lowered my headphones, and asked, "Dr. Shah's ready for real this time?"

"Yes, he is", said Pia.

I walked into a room. I stalled my looking at children's drawings. Pia said, "This room". I looked a little longer, making sure there was no Dipser-man or Winnxe the Pooh, and then I followed her.

Another doctor (not Dr. Shah) gave me the first parts of my physical. He weighed me, and I came out at 128 pounds.

"What's your height?", he asked.

"I'm 5'8"," I said.

"I don't believe that's true", said Pia, "Because I'm 5'8"."

The doctor put me up the wall to measure height.

"Stand up straight", he said. "Heels against the wall."

I put my heels against the wall.

"Scxxt this way", he said.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!", I growled. How the hell was I supposed to scxxt when I was standing up? Did he even know what the word meant?

Finally he got my height.

"What was wrong?", asked Pia.

"Did you hear what he said?", I asked.

"No, I didn't, I had my Pandora playing."

"He said the SC-word!"

"Oh. Well, I heard you grunt."

He then decided to measure my blood pressure.

I pulled up my left sleeve.

"Pull it up more, please", he said.

"NO!", I said. "This is as high up as it goes."

The doctor then said he could put the sphygmomanometer a little lower on my arm. He managed to pull it off.

"Lift your head up, please", he said.

"NO!", I said.

"I need to take your temperature."

I lifted my head so he could take my temperature. I then opened my mouth so he could stick the thermometer in.

"Close your mouth, please", he said.

"NO!", I said.

He held it and then took it out without me closing my mouth.

"It's OK, because you don't know", Pia told the doctor.

"Just don't say the word 'please'," I told him.

"OK," said the doctor. "I could do that."

He then told me to put my shoes back on and walk into another room.

Dr. Shah soon came in.

"Hi, James", he said. "I'm Dr. Shah. Do you remember me?"

"I remember meeting you", I said. "You told me your name was Dr. Shah, and I asked, 'Shaw as in Artie Shaw?', and you said, 'No, Shah as in the shah of Iran', then you said, 'I'm not that important'."

Dr. Shah laughed. "That's right", he said. "I'm not."

Dr. Shah shone some light into my eyes. He then had me inhale and exhale, then gave me a shot for some blood and cholesterol tests. He stuck in one syringe end then put in several vials to test for many different factors.

After the syringe work, we were finished, and Dr. Shah said our next appointment would be in one year.

Pia and I walked back to the van. She then realized she hadn't asked for a certain form to fill out, so she went back in and left me in the van.

I put my headphones on. Pia came back and we talked all the way home.

I told her about the article "The Myth of the Teen Brain", from the April 2007 issue of Scientific American. In it, Dr. Robert Epstein reveals that despite studies claiming to show teens' brains are inferior, it is now known that the brain is shaped by experiences and teens in tribal societies without a concept of adolescence do not have teen angst and pathologies, and their brains resemble those of adults in those societies.

"How was your brain formed?", asked Pia. "What was it during your teen years that made you feel angsty?"

I told her about the teachers who didn't like me purging.

Soon we were home. I went in my room to purge off the SC-word, and was hoping I could show her some emails, but my Internet was down.

Then I opened the door of my room and said, "I'm ready for my Zoloft!"

Pia poured a milliliter of liquid Zoloft in the cup, and I mixed it in with Tampico and drank it.

My fight with Levette

2011-09-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

I was out of my room at 8:00 to heat up some piroshkis for dinner. While I was heating them up, I heard Levette talking on his cellphone in the door to the office.

Did he say "pxking around"?

"Levette?", I asked, walking up to him.

He kept talking on his cellphone.

"Levette?", I repeated. "Did you say the P & A words?"

Still talking.

"Levette?", I asked a third time.

"What is it, James?", asked Levette.

"Did you say tie P & A words?"

"I don't know. I'm on the phone. I don't like it when you listen in on my phone call."

"You were carrying it out right in front of me!"

"It's rude to eavesdrop on other people's calls."

"I wasn't eavesdropping! You were carrying it out where I could hear!"

"Then don't listen."

"I can't not listen."

"Would you like it if someone listened in on your phone calls?"

"I wouldn't mind."

"Well, I mind."

"Do you know what the P & A words are?"

"No, I don't. And it's none of your business what I said!"

"You made it my business! You carried your phone call out right in front of me!"

"You walked over to where I was to listen!"

I grabbed a sheet of paper that had all the purge words identified on it.

"Here", I said. "I'm going to show you what the P & A words are."

"I don't want to see it", Levette said.

I pointed to a line on the paper:

P & A words: pxke around, as in "Tim spent an hour pxking around at Barnes & Noble.

"I didn't say that", said Levette.

I ate my piroshkis. Then when I was done, I came out. "Levette?", I said.

"Yes, James?", said Levette.

"May I clarify something?"

"What is it, James."

"I heard you saying the P & A words while I was at the microwave. I walked over because I heard the words, so I could ask you."

"That's OK, James", said Levette. "I was just tired."

"You were tired?"

"Yes. You're my friend, James."

"We're friends?"

"Yes, you're my friend."

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!

2011-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday morning, we were driving to Lucky's when Ken said, "Gxtcha".

"Did Ken say the G-word, La Netta?", I asked.

"Yeah, he did", said La Netta.

We parked in front of Lucky's.

"When are we going to go into Lucky's?", I asked La Netta.

"Just a few minutes", she replied.

We walked in. La Netta showed me the way down a long aisle. When I got to the end, I saw the Tampicos. I picked up a tropical punch and a new flavor called pineapple coconut punch.

My hands were soon frozen as I carried them to the self check-out.

Afterwards, I asked La Netta, "Is there a restroom here?"

"Not to purge", she said.

"I have diarrhea."

"Then you need to go home."

She took me to the restroom, and I defecated out all my diarrhea, and wiped my rectum and cheeks clean. Then I purged off "gxtcha".

Once I came out, La Netta told me that she had called the office and told them to call Stan to pick me up. She said I couldn't come to program if I had diarrhea because it could be a virus.

We then stopped at Ross. Then La Netta drove over to Marshall's.

"They have headphones down this aisle", La Netta said.

I looked at the headphones. On the top right of the headphone display was a pair of Incredible Hulk headphones. Sine it said MARVEL COMICS at the top, I looked at the other Marvel items on the wire to make sure they didn't have any Dipser-man.

Then I noticed each letter in the MARVEL COMICS logo had a different superhero character in it. I looked, and the A had Dipser-man. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to the letter A.

Lunch was at KFC. Once we made it into the restaurant, I walked into the restroom and began purging.

Someone knocked, and I came out.

The group talked with Aziz, Rosa and a client named Melvin. I asked about several purge words.

While they ate, I went in and purged some more. I still didn't get all the Dipser-mans.

We left, and embarked on drops. When we got to my house, La Netta asked me if I had taken my pills. I told her I hadn't.

"Why you have to purge?", she asked.

"The Marvel Comics logo?", I said. "Remember?"

"Well, you were in the restroom for a good forty minutes!"

A very quick I-word

2011-09-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

At Miller's Knots today, La Netta asked me, "Did you work on your musical over the week-end?"

"Just a bit", I said.

Then she began talking to Margarita. "What did you do over the week-end?", she asked Margarita.

"Ate ice xxxxx", said Margarita.

"Really?", asked La Netta.

"Yeah."

"Did she say she ate the I-word?", I asked.

"Yeah, she did", said La Netta.

"Blechhh! I'll be in the restroom."

"OK."

I walked over and purged off chunky, schmierkasig ice xxxxx. It didn't take too long.

I came out and asked La Netta for hand sanitizer.

The bottle of hand sanitizer was on the table. "Here you go", said La Netta.

The damned produce commercial

2011-09-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

On Friday, we went to the dollar store. La Netta showed me some headphones.

"I want to get these", she said.

"But they'll only make the sound softer, they won't block it out.", she said.

"OK, then don't get them."

I plugged my ears when the yogurt commercial came on.

The fifth commercial on the Intercom was about produce. "Summer is here," it said, "And check out our produce!" Strange, I thought it was the first day of autumn.

I plugged my ears and started to sing "Alouette", then I thought, "Wait a minute, didn't I listen to the produce commercial before? It's safe!"

I unplugged my ears, then the commercial said, "Watermelons, sweet and txsty!"

"Blechhh!", I said. "La Netta, I can't hold in the T-word. Is there a restroom here?"

"The sign said it was out of order", said La Netta.

"Dammit! Are we almost done?"

"Yes, but then we'll be getting lunch instead of going to a restroom."

The "txsty"s began multiplying in my head as we stood in line at the dollar store.

We left and were on the road. "He drives axx oxxx the pxxxx", said Ken.

"Ewww!", I said.

La Netta stopped at Jack-in-the-box and Burger King. "The quicker you order, the sooner we can get James to a restroom", she said.

We finally made it to Kennedy Grove. "Carl, James doesn't want to hear all that", La Netta said. "He's got business to take care of."

I made it to the restroom and spent about an hour purging off "txsty". I kept thinking the word to myself.

Then I did Ken's "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

I came out, and La Netta asked if I felt better. I told her I did.

"Was I in there for a very long time?", I asked.

"Yes, you was", said La Netta.

I asked her if she had the towel laid out. La Netta said she had forgotten it in the van.

Later, I inquired about a blue frok I saw littered on the ground. La Netta said, "You can usually tell the biodegradable ones because they're thicker".

"Thicker or thinner?", I asked.

"Thicker."

La Netta walked over.

"That just looks like a regular one", she said.

"So it's plastic?", I asked.

"Yep."

"Ewwwwwwww!"

I went to the restroom and got a paper towel. Then I held the paper towel over the plastic frok and picked up the handle. I carried it into the garbage in the restroom. Next, I purged.

I hung around with nowhere to sit down for about ten more minutes. Then, I could stand no more. I walked over to the restroom a third time, locked the door, and sat on the toilet seat until La Netta was ready to go.

Starting the Zoloft

2011-09-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

"Time to go", said Stan Thursday morning.

"No, it's not!", I said.

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'No, it's not'."

"It is time to go, because you have your appointment at 9:00."

"If you say, 'It's time to' do something, I'll say, 'No, it's not'."

Stan came in a little later. "James! We need to go to your appointment!"

I gathered my sleep mask and red bag and turned off my white sound machine. I was soon out the door.

We drove all the way over to the Richmond Mental Health Clinic.

Dr. Luburic decided he'd see Bernard first. I told Stan Man that I was worried about hearing words in the waiting room.

"This room is as free from words as you'll get", said Stan.

I sat and sat as Stan Man went in for Bernard's appointment.

"I went to that bank", one employee told another. "C-tibank."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

They said "C-tibank" two more times.

Shortly afterwards, they began talking about how bad the traffic was.

"Can we please talk about something else?", I asked.

"Pardon me?", an employee said.

"I asked, 'Can we please talk about something else?'."

"We're talking about traffic."

Pia showed up.

"Pia!", I said. "Stan's been in Bernard's meeting forever."

"It hasn't been that long", said Pia.

Finally, Dr. Luburic called me in all by myself.

There was no Stan or Pia in the office. Dr. Luburic asked me what had been going on in my life.

I told him about the execution of Troy Davis.

"Well, that's certainly been a huge news story", he said. "Why does it bother you?"

"Because they executed an innocent man . . . ", I said, " . . . and because it shows how broken and impenetrable the system is . . . and because of the racism involved . . . and because he looks like Stan Man."

We talked about starting liquid Zoloft. Dr. Luburic explained that we would start off at one milliliter and get higher.

"You can mix it with a txstier beverage", he said.

"Blechhh!", I said. "You said the T-word!"

I asked if we were done with the meeting, and he said yes.

I called out Stan's name. "Stan! Stan!"

Pia finally heard me. "Stan left."

"Oh, Pia, I can't hold in the T-word. Could you rush me to the restroom."

"Sure, but this is going to make your appointment take a little longer, OK?", she said.

"Oh, we're done with the meeting."

"You're done?"

"Yes."

"Did you talk about Troy?"

"We did."

"And did you talk about your tooth?"

"We did."

"Excellent!"

Pia left me at the restroom while Rodney's meeting went on. I started with "txstier": "tadolastier, tadolastier, tadolastier . . ."

The guy in the stall next to mine asked for a toilet seat cover, so I gave one to him.

Then I went onto "C-tibank".

"Are you on your cellphone?", I asked the guy in the other stall.

"I am", he said.

"You're conversation's bothering me."

"Well, I don't care."

"Dammit!"

"Sorry."

As I purged off "C-tibank", I may have heard his interlocutor say two "whxxps"es.

I purged the "whxxps"es off when I was done with "C-tibank".

I waited around for Pia to pick me up.

"We're ready", said Pia.

I went to her van. "My sleep mask and red bag are in Stan's van", I said.

Pia said she could deliver them to the office.

"So now you have a new medication", she said.

"Right", I replied.

Carl's money disappears

2011-09-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

"I saw Troy on the news", said La Netta this morning. "They're going to execute him toeay."

She saw the look on my face.

La Netta drove over to Miller's Knots where we could rest awhile. She said after this we were going to Falls Paredes. "James, we can look at you some headphones -- some of those kind that go in your ears."

"The best kind of headphones are the kind they have at Home Depot', said Carl. "Those are what you want. But they cost $80."

"I'm not willing to pay that kind of money on them", I said.

"How about this deal? I buy you some Home Depot headphones and you buy me that computer I've wanted."

We were in front of Fallas Paredes. Carl carried an empty canister of coffee with money in it. He said there were $20 in there.

"There's clearly not $20", said La Netta.

"Yes, there is", said Carl. "I counted. I have a $10 bill in there and $8 in quarters."

"There's no $10 bill in here", said La Netta.

"Let me see", said Carl.

La Netta handed Carl the coffee canister. Carl looked. "You're right!", Carl said. "There's no $10 bill! And my quarters are gone!"

Somebody iad stolen Carl's money.

"I think it you have a Jason at your house", I said.

"No, it has to be Ken", said Carl. "Ken's stolen my money before, and he lives in my house."

"It wasn't Ken", said La Netta.

"Doesn't Alfonso live with you?", I asked.

"Alfonso Bravo?", he said. A long-haired Alfonso who lives at Carl's house, of course; not CIWP's Alfonso Sanchez.

"Well, I'll tell you what", said La Netta. "Let's count your money."

They had $2 in dimes, nickels and pennies.

"You saw shirts for $1.10?", asked La Netta. "You can buy a shirt, and I'll buy you a shirt."

"It will be enough for one T-shirt and one tank top", said La Netta.

We were soon at Fallas Paredes. La Netta told me, "You don't want to look to the right."

I avoided looking right. Then I followed La Netta down an aisle.

"Are these pajamdra pants?", I asked.

"No, James", La Netta said.

"These are sweatpants?"

"Yes."

"James, don't look down this aisle", said Carl. "There's Disney characters."

"OK, thanks for telling me," I said.

We then walked down an aisle of shoes, with many flip-flops on the floor.

"They need to clean this up", said La Netta.

La Netta then took me over to the headphones. "See?", she said. "These are the kind Taylor was talking about."

"Skull Candy?", I asked.

"Yeah. These ones have a skull on the box, but not on the earbuds. It says 'chatter reduction'."

Then she took me down and found some more earbuds. "These ones say 'noise reduction", she said. "The other ones might do the job better; they said 'chatter reduction'."

Carl and La Netta looked at shirts together.

As we neared the end of our trip to Fallas Paredes, a new rap song came on.

"Did this song rap the P & A words?", I asked.

"Yes", La Netta said.

"They said it?!"

"Actually, no, they didn't say it yet, but it is in this song."

"You mean they sing the P & A words later in this song?"

"Yes."

I plugged my ears and started to sing "Alouette" loudly.

Pretty soon I was this far in the song:

Alouette, gentille alouette,
Alouette, je te plumerai
Je te plumerai le cul
Je te plumerai le cul
Et le cul, et le cul
Et le pied, et le pied
Et le sein, et le sein
Et les ailes, et les ailes
Et le cou, et le cou
Et le nez, et le nez
Et le bec, et le bec
Et la tête, et la tête,
Alouette, alouette
Oh, oh, oh, oh . . .

La Netta was saying some things but I couldn't hear them.

We were right by the door. I stepped outside.

"I'm still inside; we're waiting on Carl", said La Netta.

Finally, Carl came out. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Next was Big Lots. When we went in, I saw a basket.

"Look at this, James," La Netta told me. When I looked she had an advertisement paper in her hands. I saw her fold it up, then she pointed to headphone systems.

"Oh", I said. I then unfolded it and saw what I had seen. There was Halloween stuff advertised -- mostly decorations for the door. One item was an octagonal wxb with a dipser in it.

"You don't want to look", said La Netta.

"Too late, I had already seen it", I said.

"I don't understand. Why did you look?"

"I told you. Because I had already seen that part of the paper."

We looked at various aisles, such as the chips and the juices. Carl alerted my attention to the candy aisle.

One candy box said PUPPETS. I saw Dipser-man in there.

"Ewwwwwww!", I said.

"James, you probably want to go down here", said La Netta.

We looked at more earbuds in Big Lots. La Netta picked out a whole plethora of bottles of juice for her shopping basket.

La Netta made her purchase at the cieck-out, and we exited Big Lots.

While we were driving to Taco Bell, Ken said, "Gxtcha!"

"Did Ken say the G-word, La Netta?", I asked.

"No, I didn't, James", Ken said.

"La Netta?"

"Yes", said La Netta.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"La Netta," said Carl. "Don't say 'yes'. Say 'right'."

"When La Netta said 'yes', I thought she was answering my question."

"I was", said La Netta. "He did say the word."

Carl got lunch at Taco Bell, while I stayed in the van thinking about Troy Davis.

We soon reached Davis Park. When I got out of the van, I discovered the restrooms were locked! I couldn't get in to purge!

"La Netta", I said. "Can we go somewhere with a restroom after Davis Park?"

"I was thinking about doing that", La Netta. "But going from here to Carl and Ken's house, all there is is Wal-mart, and Carl doesn't do upstairs."

We left without stopping for restroom use. Before we drove off, La Netta asked me the man's name, and I told her it was Troy Davis. She looked it up on her cellphone.

She read about the case via her cellphone's connection to the Internet. "Did you see what he looks like, James?", La Netta asked.

"Yes," I said. "He's African-American with glasses."

"See him?", La Netta said, holding the cellphone up to Carl.

"He looks like Stan", said Carl.

"He does", I said.

"Not really", said Ken.

"Is that part of why it bothers you so much?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I said.

La Netta dropped us home, where I emptied the water out of my wastebasket and took it into the house.

Once inside, I did some serious purging! Then it was time for looking at the Internet, where I learned Troy was scheduled to be executed at 4:00 in my time zone.

The Troy Davis case

2011-09-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

When I climbed into the van this morning, I was the only client in the van. La Netta said Carl would be picked up later, as would Ken.

"I saw that guy you told me about on the news", said La Netta. "They're going to execute him today."

"Troy Davis?", I asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, no!", I said.

"And it was just like you said; the witnesses were changing their testimony and saying it was someone else now."

"But on Friday you told me the news said they weren't going to execute him."

"I think that was a different guy. Now I paid attention to the news since we had talked aboot him and I got a good look at him."

"Is he African-American with glasses?"

"Yeah, that's him."

La Netta asked me if I wanted piroshki or pastry, if there was anywhere I wanted to go. I told her nowhere came to mind.

La Netta drove to the office and said I could rest on the couch until 9:45.

Carl showed up while we were at the office.

"What's wrong?", asked La Netta. "You look so unhappy."

"I'm thinking about Troy Davis", I replied.

"Did you pray for him?"

"Yes."

La Netta and Carl then agreed on a schedule for today. We would go to Las Montañas and then Taco Bell.

When we visited Montañas, we hit the pastry section. Carl dropped the pastry he selected with the tongs.

"Just tell her you don't want that one", said La Netta. "Tell her it fell and get another one."

Carl dropped his next pastry too.

Finally Carl brought three pastries up to the cash register and told her he was only buying one.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to buy any pastries?", La Netta asked me.

"I'm sure", I replied.

We then stopped at Taco Bell. I asked La Netta what I could have for $5. She suggested one of their new flat breads.

I was first to order and ordered a soft-shell taco, a flat bread sandwich and a chicken chalupa. It came out to $5.16.

Carl ordered his lunch, and everyone got napkins. We were soon set to go.

"Here's a game", Carl said. "We'll name as many songs as we can that mention weather."

"'Purple Rain' by Prince", I said.

"'I Can See Clearly Now'."

"Listen to the rhythm of the falling lane."

"'Walking on the Sun'."

"'Both Sides Now' by Judy Collins."

"'I'll Be Home for Christmas'."

"The Sesame Street theme song. You know . . . sunny day, sweeping the clouds away."

"Good! I'd forgotten about that one! 'I Can't Stand the Rain'." That was a song Carl wrote.

"'We Belong' by Pat Benatar."

We went on like this for the next few minutes as La Netta made her McDonald's order. While she was ordering, I saw a creamy drink on a McDonald's song advertised as "SHXKE".

We were soon at Kennedy Grove. La Netta told me she had the towel. I went into the restroom. While I was there, I saw a eipser in the corner. I covered it up with a paper towel.

I purged off the dipser when I heard La Netta call my name.

"La Netta?", I said.

"Yes", said La Netta.

"Did you call my name?"

"Yes. I wanted to tell you we're going back into the van."

"Oh, OK."

I finished up purging and washed my hands, then came out to the van.

It turned out they had wanted to get away from the wasps at the park. We out our Taco Bell and McDonald's inside the van.

At 1:19, La Netta drove somewhere else. At 1:59, La Netta took Ken and Carl home.

Then it was my turn. As we drove La Netta noticed me hitting myself. "What's wrong?", asked La Netta.

"Troy Davis", I said.

"OK, James, we're here", said La Netta, as she pulled up to my home.

La Netta noticed I was still nervous. I explained that I was thinking about Troy Davis again.

"You're be all right", said La Netta.

But I bet Troy won't.

September party!

2011-09-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

Friday was the date of our September birthday party. CIWP would hold a potluck at Miller's Knots and serve cake. It was for all our September birthdays. Ken, however, would not be coming, as he was home with his family.

We started with a trip to Las Montañas, at which I bought two prickly pears. La Netta got a lot of pastry. As we stood in line, I thought I saw pajamdra pants.

"Is she in her pajamdras?", I asked La Netta.

"Hmm?", La Netta asked.

"Is she in her pajamdras?"

"Yes she is. I just saw her."

"Ewwwwwwwwwwww!"

"Isn't that awful?"

"Yeah."

We then stopped at Taco Bell. Kay had offered to buy me Chinese food, but La Netta thought she might not deliver. "Do you want to get Taco Bell, just in case Kay doesn't bring your Chinese food?", asked La Netta.

"I guess", I replied.

I got a soft-shell taco, a Crunch Wrap Supreme and a chicken chalupa.

We then stopped at the park. It was 10:45 already, but we were the only ones there.

At 11:00, I started to take my pill. Then Donna's van pulled up.

Soon Tiffany came. She had Snodgrass with her.

As we got out of our vans and sat at the tables, Snodgrass began saying, "Bxke! Bxke! Bxke! Bxke!"

I told La Netta I'd be at the restrooms to purge.

As I came out I saw white hair. Was that Kay?

"Kay!", I shouted.

I came closer. "Kay!"

"Yes, it's me, James", said Kay. "Got something for you. Want to eat it here?"

"Actually, I don't have my chopsticks", I said.

"Now they have a no-hugging rule", I told Tiffany. "Isn't that horrible?"

"I'm not allowed to hug you anymore?", asked Tiffany.

"You're not."

"That is horrible!"

I sat on the towel on the bench. I spoke with Tiffany.

Then Taylor said, "Making sure we have an exe on everyone".

"Ewwwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Go take care of that", said La Netta.

I went to the restroom and purged some more. Then I came back and saw Kay again.

"James, I have your Chinese food. Want me to put it in your van?"

"Yes, Kay", I replied.

Someone said that someone had "a frok" in his hands.

"Metal, plastic or cornstarch?", I asked.

"I wouldn't risk it", said La Netta. "Don't look."

I went to the restroom again to purge off the F-word.

Kay informed me that she had put my Chinese food next to my Taco Bell on the back seat, I thanked her.

"Bxke!", said Snodgrass. "Bxke! Bxke!"

"James, you're doing really well", said Tiffany. "There's a lot of talking here."

I considered going down to purge off Snodgrass' latest round of "bxke"s, but then someone announced they were going to sing to the birthday celebrants.

"Tully, scxxt down", said Tiffany. "Scxxt down."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said Tiffany. "Move over, Tully. Oh, James, are you OK?"

"Yes."

"I feel horrible", said Tiefany.

"Pxrdon?", asked Maria.

"RRRRRRRRRRR!", I growled.

"What's wrong?", asked Tiffany.

"Maria said her word", I answered her question.

"Sorry, James", said Maria.

They called Carl over so they could sing happy birthday to everyone.

"Happy birthday to you", the singers began. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear James . . . Carl . . . Ken . . . Shawn. Happy birthday to you!"

As soon as the song finished, I hit the restroom and began purging off the "bxke"s. Then I did the "pardon" and finally the two "scxxt"s.

By the time I finished up, almost everybody had left. Kay was still there, but she left soon and left with wishes that I enjoy my Chinese food.

I took both pills, and the group was ready to leave.

The seventh annual annual

2011-09-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, we all hit the office to prepare for my annual meeting. Lita was off vacationing in Hawaii, but Taylor Stussi (the new behiaviorist), Pia, Stan, Bonnie Whitcomb and La Netta would all be there.

I lay on the couch and then Bonnie Whitcomb came in.

"Do you think you should keep your finges out of your mouth?", she asked.

"No . . . not really", I said.

"How are things going at your group home?"

"Not very well."

"What's bothering you?"

"Fillings."

"You said your feelings?"

"No, I said 'fillings'."

"You don't want to get them?"

"I don't."

"Well, that's your choice, but you do have to live with the consequences, right?"

"Right."

Eventually my meeting began and we all packed into the conference room. Someone passed around goal sheets.

The first goal was participating in group activities. We talked about how I used to hear the K & E words when we went everywhere. La Netta aid I had vastly improved. Taylor said we could keep this goal and just set the bar higher.

The next goal was hygiene. They talked about my showering frequency.

"James was taking three showers a week", someone said. "And the baseline was two showers a week."

"How often do you shower now?", asked Stan.

"Thrice a week", I said.

"So you went back?"

"No, I am showering thrice a week."

"You were showering twice a week?"

"Not twice. Thrice."

"Thrice? Three times."

"Yes."

Bonnie Whitcomb spoke up and said it seemed odd that my program had a showering goal as a goal for program when showering is something I do at home.

"What I think the real issue here is is the hugs", said Taylor. "Now you used to hug La Netta, and that was your reward system. But now we have the sexual training, STARS. And Shane said it was inappropriate for coaches to give clients hugs. You saw that rule as restrictive, right?"

"I wouldn't say it was restrictive", I said. "That's not the word I used. The actual word I used was 'fascist'."

"Oh, yes. I remember that in your blog. You did use that word!"

"Now, do you love to hug everyone, or is it just certain people?", asked Bonnie Whitcomb.

"Well, I'll put it this way", I said. "I don't seek out hugs from Pia, but I do like to hug Stan. If Robert Bradley tried to hug me, I'd hug him reluctantly . . . and when Snodgrass wants to hug me, I tell him no way!"

"So it's only certain people you like to hug."

"Yes. My friends."

"Are you saying you and I aren't friends?", asked Pia.

"Uh . . . . . . . ."

"Be honest."

"We're not."

"Oh! Well, maybe we can become friends."

"Well, hopefully we can found the middle ground between appropriate and inappropriate", said Taylor. "I don't want to tell you that you can never hug La Netta again. But maybe . . . find a better rewards system?"

The next goal was interacting with my peers. We agreed that since I had never had a problem with this point, this goal should be scrapped.

We thought of possible new goals, and La Netta suggested a cooking goal. She mentioned how Carl was supposed to cook at the office, but seldom did that.

"Carl and James get along real well", said Stan. "I imagine they would be great cooking together!"

Another idea was for me to write to Oliver Sacks, as Bonnie Whitcomb mentioned. My goal could be to write so many letters per week about logaesthesia.

My fourth goal was wearing my headphones. Taylor suggested I get earbuds that fit into my ears. He name-dropped Skull Candy.

"I don't like the skulls", I said.

"They make products without the skulls too", Taylor said. "Or you could get Sony or Phillips."

We discussed the gaps between songs and how I sometimes hear purge words during the gaps. Taylor said that with an iPod there are no gaps.

My blog was mentioned. Taylor said that reading it gave him insight into the workings of CIWP.

"The only issue I'm concerned about is the privacy", said Bonnie Whitcomb. "A random person might read it, and learn about Lita and Stan and Pia."

"I've talked about the privacy before", said La Netta.

Someone suggested that I might use code names for all the people in my blog. The long-time readers would know from the people's personality and positions who was who, but casual visitors who stumbled upon the blog would not be in on their identities.

"Can we choose our own names?", said Stan. "Because I have a good one for myself."

Then Bonnie Whitcomb asked what I did for my birthday. I said we had gone to Las Montañas.

"And we got Mountain Mike's pizza", added La Netta.

"Oh yes, that too," I said.

"What are we going to get you for your birthday?", asked Stan. "You said you didn't want pineapple upside-down cake."

"I said I did want a pineapple upside-down cake?"

"You did? Whxxpsie!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH!"

"You said, 'Whxxpsie'," Pia told him.

"D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"Well, go take care of that", said Stan.

"Is the meeting over?", I asked.

"Yes," someone replied.

I went out and purged in the restroom. When I came back, I lay on the couch.

I lay uontil I accidentally opened my eyes widely and moved my hand. I saw the drawings on the wall. I checked, and one was a Dipser-man drawing!

I rushed to the restroom and went in there to purge it off. I finally came oot, and stayed out until La Netta got me.

La Netta said that with all the time we had spent at the meeting, we were going to skip Trader Joe's and go straight on to lunch. We headed to the burrito truck, then went straight to Davis Park instead of Pinole Valley Park.

As soon as we were done eating our burritos, we threw away some trash and La Netta drove off.

"How do you think your meeting went?", La Netta asked me.

"It was great!", I replied.

Wacky radio

2011-09-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

When I came out to the van today, La Netta asked me what was wrong. I asked her why she asked, and she said I looked depressed.

She started a cellphone call, then she took me out to Barnes & Noble, along with Ken and Carl. "Ken, stay with the group," she said.

La Netta put her cellphone back, then went inside Barnes & Noble when it opened at 9:00. After some time spent looking at magazines, she told me I could lead the group to the New Age section.

It must have taken five minutes to find New Age. When I got there, I found a book by Stanton Friedman on the science of UFO's. I browsed through the book, and saw "wxry" on one of the pages. I growled.

La Netta asked me if I was ready, and I said I was, so we headed over to movies and CD's.

I told La Netta all I saw was movies, so she said to go straight ahead. I walked forward until I saw the music section, but all I could see was country and children's music.

La Netta took me around to pop-rock. I looked for a few minutes.

"Are you OK?", asked La Netta.

"Yes, La Netta", I replied.

La Netta drove out in front of GNC. She started in on another cellphone call.

"La Netta", I asked, "Why are we still at El Cerrito Plaza?"

"Why? What's wrong?", asked La Netta.

"I thought we were going to the Pacific East Ranch Market after Barnes & Noble."

"Oh! You're right! I'm sorry, James. I don't know what I was thinking. Let me finish my phone call, then I'll take you over."

La Netta drove me over to the Pacific East Ranch Market. Once we went in, we walked towards the main store. I told La Netta I wanted mangosteens, so she took us to the produce section, where I found a net full of mangosteens for $6.99.

"Where do you want to go now?", she asked.

"I want some Chinese food", I said.

She took me over to the place with the Chinese food, the trays and the Styrofoam containers, and I placed some chow fun in the largest compartment of my Styrofoam. Then La Netta suggested I might like some broccoli beef. I assented, so she scooped in some of that.

"Ma'am?", I asked the lady.

"Yes?", she asked.

"What's that?"

"That's noodles", she said.

"Does it have crab in it?"

No response.

"Does it have crab in it?", I repeated.

"She doesn't understand", La Netta said.

"You know? Crab? The animal with a hard shell . . . and ten legs . . . you find it at the beach?"

"No, it doesn't", the lady said.

"OK", I said, and settled for sesame chicken.

La Netta poured some sesame chicken on, and asked, "Would you like a bit more?"

"I would", I replied.

She scooped some more on.

"That's too much", I said.

"May I have some of your chicken?", she asked.

"You may."

So La Netta closed the Styrofoam and tied up the bag. I paid for it, then we hit the cracker section, where I picked out some shrimp chips and some cassava chips.

La Netta asked if I was ready to leave, and I replied in the affirmative. We paid for our goodies, then left the store to hit the office.

"It's 11:04, if you want to take your pill", La Netta said.

"I can't take it", I said.

"Why? Did you see something?"

"I saw the W-word in a book I was reading."

"Oh, OK."

La Netta stopped at the office. She went in to use the women's, while I used the men's. I purged off "wxry", and we were ready to go to KFC.

The others ate lunch in KFC. I clipped my nails in the restroom, and put my nail clippers back in my pocket. I tried to take my pills, but there were these people holding a conversation.

We got into the van when everyone else was einished eating, then La Netta turned the radio off so I could take my pills.

After I took them, she turned the radio back on and songs played.

La Netta made a cellphone call. Eventually the songs ceased and the DJ, Larry Ickes, started talking.

"If you want to ask your boss for a raise or a promotion", he said, "Don't ask him while he's drinking or eating something sour or bitter. Studies show that the tastes in his mouth have a lot to do with his thought processes at the time. So wait a while to ask him. That lemon on my boss' desk. I better keep an exe on that."

"Ewwwwwwwwww!", I shouted.

"What?", asked La Netta.

"Didn't you hear what he said on the radio?"

"No, what?"

"He said, 'That lemon on my boss' desk. I better K-word an E-word on that'."

La Netta took me into Macy's, where I used the restroom to purge it off, then La Netta looked at clothes for a short while. Next was a vitamin store.

"If you want to look at the power bars, they're here", La Netta said.

I looked at them.

"Are you OK?", she asked.

"Yes", I replied sadly.

La Netta made a vitamin purchase, then asked me if I was sure I didn't want anything, and I said I didn't.

When we left, La Netta turned the van radio on once more. Commercials started.

In one commercial, a couple were driving recklessly, and one of them said, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!", I shouted, slamming my forehead.

La Netta turned the commercial off immediately. "What's up with this radio today?"

We listened to some more KOIT once songs were playing again.

"Daughters" by John Mayer came on. I plugged my ears and shouted "ssem" when he sang, "Cleaning up the mxss he made".

La Netta was doing drops by now. We said good-bye to Ken and Carl, then when it came my turn, La Netta said, "This radio station you like has said a lot of words today."

"Just two words", I said. "The K & E words and the WH-word."

"Oh, really?", La Netta said.

"Yes. When the M-word came on in the John Mayer song I plugged my ears and said, 'Ssem', so I'm not counting that one."

"Oh, good."

I purged off "whxxps" when I got home. I suppose the lesson here is to keep the radio turned off when commercials are playing or when the DJ or DJ's are talking.

Beneath Carl

2011-09-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, we programmed at Miller's Knots. We were outside so we could fill out sheets on our goals for our coming annual meetings.

"How well do you think you're doing with your headphone goal?", La Netta asked me.

"I'd say I'm putting my headphones on more often", I said.

"OK, and the next question is what is contributing to your progress or lack of progress on this goal?"

"Well, the fact that I have a better pair of headphones", I said. "These headphones are louder. So they give me more incentive to listen to them."

"Put down 'more hi-tech'," said Carl.

"You have a better headphone system, should I write that?", La Netta asked.

"A better sound system, I said.

"A better sound system."

"Write down, 'A better audio system'," said Carl. "Because that's what it's called."

"Audio system?", asked La Netta.

"A-U-D-I-O."

A man La Netta knew ran into her at the park, and they started to hold a conversation. At the end, he called her "sweetxe", and I growled.

"Did he say the WH-word?", I asked.

"Yes," La Netta replied.

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! He really said the WH-word?"

"Yes."

"So he said both the WH-word AND the SW-word?"

"Oh wait, no, he didn't. just the SW-word."

"But you said he said the WH-word."

"I was thinking you meant the SW-word."

"Oh."

"Want to go to the restroom?"

"After we're done."

We finished going over all of my goals, and then I paid the sliding-door restroom a visit to purge off "sweetxe".

When I came back, La Netta was doing Carl's goals.

"Goal #1: Refrain from making rude comments", said La Netta. "I'd say you're doing better on that. What would you say contributes to your progress or lack of progress? is it we've had smaller groups, so you don't feel as much need for the attention to be on you?"

"That's not it", said Carl.

"It's because with the smaller groups, we don't have the clients he disdains like Adam or Snodgrass in the group", I said.

"Yes! That's it!", Carl said. "See? He gets me." Carl said Adam, Snodgrass, Tully, Robin and Rodney were "beneath" him, as was Nick. "It's like I'm the dipser, and they're the flies", he says.

"Carl, you think people are beneath you?", asked La Netta.

"They are beneath me!", he said.

"No one is better than anyone else", La Netta said. "We're all smart in different ways." La Netta talked about a church that only wanted people with college degrees. She said her own chorch didn't want to be like that church, and they emphasized that they took in everyone, including the prostitutes and the pimps. "James, do you feel like anyone is beneath you?"

"Yes", I replied.

"Who do you think is beneath you?"

"Snodgrass."

"Why do you think Shawn is beneath you? Because he says the B-word?"

"Because he crushes my Styroeoam leaning over to eat crumbs off the floor . . . and he pats my butt . . . and he pats your butt . . . and he fondles me."

"Oh, because he does things you don't like", La Netta said.

We stopped at the office, where La Netta used the restroom for a bit. I overheard Rosa, in the main room when La Netta, Carl and I were, saying either "drxpping" or "drxppy".

"Ewwwwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Take care of it in the restroom", La Netta said.

"Did she say it with an I-N-G or with a Y?"

"With a Y."

"It was with an I-N-G", said Carl.

I went to the restroom and purged off "drxppy". I had to go "dradolippy" down there -- ninety times.

We were finally ready to leave. Upon leaving, we hit K-mart, then we did lunch. First came In-N-out Burger, especially for me. I ordered my usual two hamburgers with onios only, and this time it came to to $4.24 instead of $3.78.

I looked at a sign and saw the word CREAM. I read the whole thing. REAL ICE XXXXX. There were pictures of milkshxkes below it.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"What?", Carl asked.

"Real I-word."

"Oh! Now I see it!"

The next stop was Taco Bell, so Carl and Ken could get there lunches.

Carl ordered his lunch, but the men's room was occupied. I then went in, and purged to my heart's content.

When I came out, Carl, Ken and La Netta were sitting in front of Taco Bell and eating their lunch. Carl and La Netta were discussing the former's goals.

I ate my In-N-out burgers while they discussed goals. I was really hungry!

We still had a lot of time left over, so La Netta visited Goodwill to make Carl happy.

This time Goodwill was playing 98.1 KISS-FM instead of KBLX. La Netta told me I might enjoy the Beach Boys album. Carl looked at other albums and books. I looked at the bookshelf, and saw a book with Dipser-man on the front cover and another Dipser-man head with the word MARVEL on the spine!

"Ewwwwwwwwwww!", I shrieked.

"What?", asked Carl.

I pointed to it.

"Oh, yeah."

I said good-bye to Carl and Ken, then La Netta dropped me home. I purged off the Dipser-mans for a long time before drinking some Hawaiian punch. That Hawaiian punch felt so good on my parched throat after that rugged, workaday purging.

32 going on 33

2011-09-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today I became my first power of two since my sixteenth birthday. I turned 32.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you", sang La Netta. "Happy birthday, dear Mr. James, happy birthday to you".

La Netta drove to the office, where we were scheduled. She learned the surprise news that Ken's annual meeting was today.

La Netta walked into the office. "Did that guy who was talking to Rosa say the C-word?", I asked Carl.

". . . and spend five minutes on the bxke", a coach with another group said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"No, you didn't hear the C-word", said Carl. "But you did hear that word."

"The short form of 'bicycle'?"

"Yes."

"Where's La Netta?"

"She's in the restroom."

I walked into the men's and picked my navel. I came back out and someone told me La Netta was now in Lita's office. I told that someone I'd be in the men's until La Netta came out, at which case she should come and get me.

I spent what felt like an eternity in the men's room, with the fan blowing all the while. Finally, I opened the door, and La Netta knocked out of the women's.

I followed La Netta and asked her where she was. As I followed her, I walked through the counter and sink on one side and the plants on the other. Did I eeel a plant touching me?

"Did that guy who was talking to Rosa say the C-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No, James", La Netta replied.

"Did I touch a plant?"

"You didn't."

"You saw me?"

"I saw you."

La Netta agreed with Carl and Ken to schedule lunch at Mountain Mike's. Carl said the amount of pizza they had wouldn't be enough for us all. But La Netta got the idea to order one extra large pizza, which we could buy without going over our $20 allotment.

Before Ken's meeting, Stan Man came in. He brought me a $20 bill.

"Thanks, Stan Man", I said.

"You're welcome, James", he said.

I sat in the couch room while Ken had his annual in the conference room. La Netta was in the conference room, along with Lita, Stan Man and Ken's case manager.

When it finished, I asked Carl where La Netta was. I finally found La Netta and asked her if they had said "pajxmxs" at the annual.

"No, we weren't talking about that", said La Netta.

"Did they say the I-word?", I asked.

"Nope!"

We soon left to drive to Las Montañas. There I got $2.50 worth of baked goods.

"That cookie looks like . . .", Carl told La Netta about her cookie selection.

"Carl, that is gross!", La Netta said.

"Well, that's what it looks like!"

"Yours looks like it too!"

La Netta and Carl both paid for their baked goods when I was done.

I also found a box of Bombolín cookies, which were cheaper than the Esponjitas -- $3.something compared to $4.something.

La Netta asked if I was ready to hit the check-out, and I asked her if there were frozen foods at Las Montañas.

"No frozen foods", she said. "They just have a meat market."

So I paid for my cookies and we were on our way to Mountain Mike's.

As we got out of the van, Ken said, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"Are you going to be able to come in?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied. "This has ruined my birthday!"

"It ruined your birthday?"

"Yep."

La Netta ordered the pizza. An infomercial for something called Back to Life played on a television. Back to Life was supposed to let you do exercises that would cure back pain.

She said she was going to the restroom. I went into the men's while she went into the women's, and I purged off the word "whxxps". Then I washed my hands.

"James?", La Netta asked.

"I'm washing my hands", I said.

A little later . . .

"James?", La Netta called.

"I'm drying off", I said.

I came out.

La Netta waited for her pizza.

"Do you think Back to Life will help you with your back pain?", I asked La Netta as the infomercial played.

"No", said La Netta. "They pay people to say good things about this."

"This commercial was made in the 90's", Carl said.

". . . Priority shxpping!", the commercial said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

Then another infomercial came on. Carl said it was made in the 90's too.

La Netta got her pizza and they drove off to Jack-in-the-box.

Carl paid the money he had left and bought a drink with it. We were then on our way to Pinole Valley Park.

We went to the secluded spot with the portable. I went in and cut my nails, then brought my nail clippers back out.

I walked back in the portable, and La Netta asked me how long I was going to take purging. I shrugged my shoulders.

"We'll wait until you're out, because it won't be the same without you", La Netta said.

I picked my navel in the restroom for a while.

"James?", called La Netta.

"Yes, La Netta?", I said.

"When are you coming out?"

"Soon", I replied.

"How soon is soon?"

"Dunno."

"Then we'll begin without you."

La Netta gave two slices of Mountain Mike's pizza each to herself, Ken and Carl. They began eating.

I finally finished picking "shxpping" out of my navel and washed my hands with soap and water. Then I dried off and came out.

La Netta gave me two slices. When I finished them, La Netta asked if I was ready for a third. I replied in the affirmative, so she handed me a third piece.

Just as I was finishing my third piece, a jumping dipser jumped onto my plate. It then jumped back off. I threw the plate away and spat out my last bite of pizza.

Soon I was in the restroom again, purging off the dipser. I came out and told La Netta about it.

La Netta asked if I wanted a fourth slice of pizza, and I said yes. So she put it in my hands. After I finished that piece, there were only two slices left: Ken's slice and a slice still in the box. Carl accepted the last slice in the box.

We sat around and talked until it it was late enough to do drops. La Netta dropped Carl and Ken off, but Ken refused the slice of pizza that La Netta had given him earlier. Carl said he would not touch it.

Then Carl got the solution of giving it to Tiffany. Problem solved.

When La Netta got to my house, Levette was there, so I put on my headphones so I wouldn't have to ask about words. We agreed that I'd sit on the car seats in the garage and put on my headphones, and La Netta wouldn't leave until the headphones were on.

La Netta drove off. Just after the seventh song on my Killers CD ended, Stan Man walked into the house and opened the door for me.

"Stan Man!", I exulted.

"How's my birthday man?", asked Stan.

"Oh Stan, I just bought this stuff at Las Montañas today."

"Are you going to need money?"

"I have enough money left over."

After I walked in, I asked Stan if he was ready for a hug. Stan Man said he'd come in when he was ready.

Finally, at 2:58, Stan came into my room. "I don't have much time", he said.

"Stan Man!", I shouted.

"Birthday man!", said Stan, hugging me.

"Stan Man!"

After we finished hugging, Stan drove away. His embrace really made my birthday.

I'm Not Dead Yet

2011-09-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

As we drove to the office on Wednesday, Carl said, "James, I've got an idea for a second book we could write".

"Really?", I asked.

"Yes," said Carl. "And I've got the idea for the title: I'm Not Dead Yet".

We hit a stoplight. "Stupid stoplight!", I shouted.

Just then the van began moving again. "I'm Not Dead Yet?", I asked. "Like Pink? The Pink CD?"

"Oh, yeah", Carl said. "I think I had that CD. But it got left behind when I moved out. A lot of things I've lost because they've been left behind. Like that song I wrote, 'I Can't Stand the Rain'. They were shxpped out to another town."

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Ooh, sorry", Carl apologized.

"We'll go to the office, and then James, we're going to get your juices", La Netta said.

"Are we going to go to the Ecopark today?", I asked.

"What did you say?", asked La Netta.

"I asked, are we going to go to the Ecopark today?"

"Probably not . . . you've really got to park there at the beginning of the day."

"Every time we put it on the schedule, we can't go there", said Carl.

We were soon at the office. La Netta told me there were pill packages in the back. I used two napkins to pick them up. I carried the napkins, along with my red bag with a sleep mask in it, towards the office as we walked to the office during our car wash. I threw the two napkins with five pill packages away.

We were soon in the office. I purged off "shxpped" in the restroom. I lay on the couch until our van was ready.

I joined La Netta and Carl at Target. She told me we were also going to Grocery Outlet later on. "James, don't look to your left", said La Netta.

I cupped my eyes and my head veered towards the right.

Carl showed La Netta costume after costume. "Here's a vampire . . .", said Carl. "But it's just for kids."

He showed her two more costumes that only came in children's form.

"We don't have too much time here", La Netta told Carl. La Netta then asked me, "What's wrong?"

"I'm not having fun", I said.

"You don't like the costumes?", she asked.

"This is all this is?"

I picked out two juices at Target, a Hawaiian punch and a Market Pantry apple juice, and put them in the cart.

"James, we may not have time left for Grocery Outlet", said La Netta, "So is there a burrito you want to get here?"

I picked out a $5.something lasagna in the frozen foods section.

We all paid for our goodies, then went to Taco Bell. I had $5 left, so I got two soft-shell tacos and a chicken chalupa.

Then came Davis Park. We ate lunch on the grass. I went to the restroom, and came back.

"Ewwwww!", I shrieked as I saw something black on the floor.

"What is it?", La Netta asked.

"Is this biodegradable?", I asked.

"I don't know -- I can't see it from here."

I looked at the black frok head in front of me. When La Netta finished, I told her to take a look at it.

It took a while for me to find it again, but I finally found it and directed her to it. She walked over and said, "Yeah, it is".

"You can see it from there?", I asked.

I can.

It was only 12:15. We spent another hour and a quarter in the hot van, with the air coneitioner on. We listened to a lot of Star 101.3. Then La Netta dropped Carl and Ken off.

When it came my turn, La Netta rang at the doorbell but no one was there. I set my juices, lasagna and red bag on the open car seats until we saw a van pull up.

Back to program

2011-09-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was the day we came back to CIWP after a three-day Labor Day week-end.

The radio was turned to KBLX, and I listened to my headphones. As I hit a gap, the DJ said, "Let's keep an exe on the traffic here".

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

La Netta switched the station quickly.

La Netta took us into Barnes & Noble. Both she and I went into the restrooms. I purged off "keep an exe on" in the men's.

When I came out, La Netta told me I could look at the New Age section while she was looking at cookbooks. After a few failed attempts to find it, I gave up and told La Netta I'd be going with her.

"Since none of you are enjoying our trip to Barnes & Noble, we're leaving", said La Netta.

She then looked at books near the front of the store for about twenty minutes before leaving.

Next she drove over to the office. We went inside and she watched Stuart Little. "Did they say the WH-word?", I asked La Netta after a part with the cat in which the parents told the cat, "You must never hurt Stuart!"

"No, they didn't", said La Netta.

I lay in the couch room, but heard a few more possible purge words in Stuart Little. As soon as the computer was free, I got on. It was on Yahoo, and I saw a teaser in the Yahoo site that said, "Easy and txsty meals".

"Blechhh!", I said. I ran into the restroom and quickly purged off "txsty".

Once I got out, I searched Drew's Script-o-rama for a Stuart Little script, but alas, there was none.

I asked La Netta, "Did they say the TW-word or the SH-word in Stuart Little?"

"No, James", La Netta replied.

We both went to the restroom, me so I wouldn't be left unprotected against words while La Netta was in the women's, then she came out. She knocked on the door and got me.

We left the office and had to cross the street to get to our van. "Look both ways", La Netta said.

I turned my head to the left, and then to the right.

"James, look both ways", La Netta said as we crossed the street.

"I DID look boti ways!", I said.

"I didn't see you", La Netta said.

"What did you think I was eoing when I was craning my head all the way to the left, and then craning it all the way to the right?"

"I didn't see you doing that", said La Netta.

We got into the van. "I didn't like being yelled at", said La Netta.

"Well, I was offended", I said.

"You were? Really?"

La Netta pulled off.

"Ken, she said, you wouldn't raise your voice at me, would you?"

We were supposed to go to Lucky's to get my juices, but La Netta skipped it because we had spent so much time at the office.

La Netta visited the burrito truck, where I got a super vegetarian burrito.

When we got to the Davis Park, I asked La Netta if she had brought the towel along. She said no. At first I told her I'd wait until I got home to ask my burrito, but then I asked her if it would be possible to eat my burrito standing up.

I stood up, but I had to ask her if LaTanya said the M-word.

"No, James", said La Netta.

"Did LaTanya say the T-word?"

"No, James."

"Did LaTanya say it made an M-word?"

"No, James."

I finished up my burrito.

La Netta asked me why I was asking about words so much today. "What's wrong?", she asked.

"Well", I began, "Last nigh I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I was watching a video of some politician on TV, and the politician said the WH-word. I went, 'D'oh!', and tried to slam my eorehead. Then the part where he said it replayed, and I asked my siblings to take the video out of the television. I went, 'D'oh!' again, and I kept trying to get it just right. Then, later, I was walking through the house, and I heard a radio announce that they were doing traffic. I ran across the house, trying to run fast enough to get away from the radio so I wouldn't hear the traffic. And then I woke up."

"A-ha!", La Netta said. "I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what! Thanks for telling me, James."

"You're welcome."

DMV trip

2011-09-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday we were teamed up with Aziz. We decided we'd follow La Netta's schedule by going to Hilltop Mall. La Netta asked me if I wanted anything from Wal-mart, and I told her I wanted juices.

La Netta got a telephone call from someone stating that Taylor was to meet us at our program site. A little later, she got a second call saying Pia would pick us up at Wal-mart and take me to my appointment.

"What's your appointment for?", asked La Netta.

"I think it's my appointment for my sore throats", I told La Netta. I had been having off-and-on sore throats lately in which saliva gets dredged up whenever I feel the pain in my throat.

I put my headphones on as Wild 94.9 played. At one point my headphones reached a gap and there was a commercial on. I asked La Netta about one word, but after she told me it wasn't said in the commercial, the commercial said "Shxpping and handling".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

We finally got to Wal-mart. La Netta took me to the juice aisle. She told me, "Take your time".

I picked out two Tampicos and placed them in our cart. Then I continued to look at the other juices. We met the behaviorists from our program at the site. Then we paid for our purchases.

La Netta showed me the restroom. As I picked my navel inside, she said Pia had arrived.

I finished up and washed my hands. Then I stepped outside the restroom and followed the sound of their voices.

"We have an appointment at the DMV", Pia said.

"I thought this was an appointment for my sore throat", I said.

"No. I can't get an appointment for a sore throat."

As we got in the van, I asked Pia for Star 101.3. She switched the station.

"Pia, can you listen out for words for me?", I asked her.

"I'm not very good at that", Pia said. "I have problems with listening to other people's conversations. It's like eavesdropping."

"But they're carrying their conversations out right in front of you!"

"Well, when there are too many conversations going on at once I can't hear them all."

We reached the office. We agreed that I'd sit in the van until they called my number.

I took my pills in the van. Then a little later Pia came out. "I think I've found a seat for you, James", Pia said.

I sat down in a seat next to Pia in a crowded part of the waiting room. What was so good about this seat?

"Whxxps!", I heard a little girl saying.

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead with my fist. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"James, you're scaring the baby!", said Pia.

I stopped hitting my eorehead.

"The woman dropped something", said Pia. "And then her daughter said the word. I'm so sorry you had to hear that."

"Thanks, Pia."

They called our number. We went to fill out a form. I signed my name. Pia already had my birthdate, hair color, eye color, height and weight filled out: 9/8/'79, brown hair, hazel eyes, 5'8", 124 lb.

Then they directed me somewhere else. I may have heard a "whxxps" as we walked to our next destination, but when I asked Pia, she said she didn't know.

They then had me sign my name electronically. The machine kept malfunctioning. After about fifteen attempts, I signed my name and I was ready for the picture.

I put my feet in the foot indicators on the drawing below me. Then the lady asked, "Could you take off your sunglasses?"

"I'm never seen with them off", I said.

"James," said Pia, "You've eone it before -- you can do it again." She showed me my old, expired ID.

She took my sunglasses and I squinted my eyes. The lady then took my photograph.

We then left the idea. "That was great!", said Pia. "It was supposed to take 47 minutes. They went fast."

"D'OH!", I said once we got back into the car. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"What's wrong?", Pia asked.

"Just getting it all out", I said. "When I was slamming my forehead in the DMV, you said I was scaring the baby."

"Oh, OK", Pia said.

Pia brought me back to CIWP at the Davis Park site. There Pia told La Netta I had heard a couple of purge words and would be in the restroom.

I purged until I needed to ask La Netta about a purge word.

"They didn't say it", said La Netta. "So what purge words did you hear?"

I told her about the WH-words.

I went back in and finished up. After I finished purging, I paced around the park.

"We have this towel here for you", said La Netta. "Have you forgotten about it?"

"I did forget about it!", I said. I sat down on the towel next to La Netta as she chatted with Rosa and Billie Jean.

La Netta now brings along a towel so I can sit down on benches without worrying about getting cobwxbs on my pants.

La Netta checked her cellphone -- it was 1:43. That meant she was ready to do drops. I asked La Netta if she had covered her cellphone up wen viewing the time, and she said yes. Whew. Now I wouldn't have to stare through 1:44 and 1:45.

La Netta finally got me home, and we said our good-byes. Love you, La Netta.

Azease says "please"

2011-08-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

After I got out of bed this morning, I turned my white sound machine off ane walked out of my room.

I heard something that sounded like "exe", possibly even "exe on", on the television. I listened a little longer, and they said that some football player has been "watching" something. Probably the K & E words. "Ewwwwwwwww!"

I walked out to the van. La Netta asked me what was wrong. "The news was on this morning", I said.

A new Rihanna song came on the radio, and I had to ask La Netta whether she said "pajxmxs". La Netta said no. Carl also said no. They couldn't tell me what she did say, but before I could use the restroom at the gas station, Aziz drove off.

We arrived at the El Cerrito Plaza shopping center. La Netta asked who was going with her and who was going with Aziz. Since I couldn't hold "pajxmxs" in, I elected to go with Aziz, as I figured he would be more likely to let me use the restroom at a shopping center.

I told Aziz I needed to go to the restroom, and he took me there. I purged off "pajxmxs".

After that, I came out, without continuing to get to the "keep an exe on" in the restroom.

"James", Carl said, "I need your help translating something. I don't know what language it is, but the word is A-U."

"Probably French then", I said.

I followed Carl, and he showed me a cup that read "Café au Lait".

"Café au lait", I.read. "That means 'coffee with milk'."

"Oh, OK," said Carl. "You know German, right?"

"Right, I replied."

"What does 'Ach du Lieber' mean?"

"'Ach' means 'oh' or 'ah'. 'Du' is the German word for 'you'. And 'Lieber' means 'lover'."

"Guys", said Aziz. "Could you try to keep it down? Please?"

There was that word "please"! "NO!", I responded.

"We're leaving", Aziz said.

"Aziz, you can get into the car now", said Carl.

"No, I'm not going to", said Aziz. "If you guys don't respect me, I won't respect you. I did nothing to disrespect you."

"Yes, you did', I said. "You said the word 'please'."

"How is that disrespectful?", Aziz asked. "You don't like the word 'please'? How was I supposed to know that when you never told me?"

"La Netta told you", I said. "She told you I didn't like the word 'please' or the word 'pardon', and you said I didn't like a lot of polite words. Remember?"

"I don't remember that", Aziz said.

Carl prolonged a conversation with Aziz. He argued with Aziz about me.

"James is the only person on Earth who doesn't like the I-word", Carl said, "So you have no way of knowing."

La Netta came back, and Aziz told La Netta what had happened.

We went to the bowling alley. La Netta asked me whether I was going to bowl, and I replied in the negative.

La Netta asked me what had happened, and I told her the story.

"Are you sorry?", La Netta asked me.

"No," I replied. "I'm pissed off at Aziz. In fact, I don't even think I like Aziz anymore."

"Did you say it really loud?", La Netta asked.

"Not that loud", I replied.

"Was it 'No!', or was it 'NO!'?"

I asked La Netta whether I heard the WH-word at the bowling alley, and she said no.

La Netta asked me whether I wanted to go to Las Montañas. I shook my head.

"Why not?", asked La Netta.

"I don't feel good", I replied.

"Well, you were feeling bad even this morning. I could see it."

"I was."

"Do you think if we go to Las Montañas, it will make you feel better?"

"It's worth a try."

So after the others finished bowling, La Netta told Aziz to drive to to Las Montañas. We were soon there.

"James, we're at the bakery", said La Netta. "Tell me what you want."

I picked out a pastry made of two hemispheres covered with red on the outside and coconut, joined in the middle with red jam. Then I picked out a pink cookie. La Netta said they were three for 99 cents, so I got a second one.

I told La Netta I didn't like the Sponch! cookies. But when they got to the cookie aisle, she said that was all they had. An employee told her there were more cookies in Aisle 3.

We walked up to Aisle 3, and once we got there, La Netta said, "James, look!"

I saw a big box of cookies called Esponjitas. They were just like Pom Poms, Copitos and Bombolín.

"But they're $4.19", said La Netta. "You told me you only had $3."

"Well, when I spent my money at the bakery section, I discovered I had more dollar bills", I replied.

"But it's still not enough."

"Let me count." I removed my sandwich bag from my right pocket. I took bills out. "$1 . . . $2 . . ."

"Oh, wait, you do have enough!", La Netta said.

La Netta then went to the restaurant part of Las Montañas. She ordered some quesadillas. She asked if I wanted to wait with the shopping cart while she poured her coffee.

I stood there. Afterwards I asked her if someone had said "shxp". She said no.

Carl then got lunch at Burger King. Next was going to be Miller's Knots, but La Netta called in and changed the schedule to the much closer Davis Park because we were running out of time.

At Davis Park I purged off "keep an exe on" after much rubble-clearing. I finished at 1:57.

We then drove home. I kept my headphones on for most of the trip home, but after we dropped Lance off and I was the only one left in the van, I took them off.

The radio turned to a song that seemed to sing "cutxe pie". "Did they say 'C-word pie' in this song?", I asked La Netta.

"You've heard this song before", La Netta said.

"What song is this?"

"I don't know."

"Aziz, could you please turn the radio up?"

No response.

"Aziz, could you please turn the radio up?", I repeated.

Aziz turned it OFF.

"We're almost at your house", said La Netta.

"Aziz, could you please turn the radio back on?", I asked.

No response.

"Aziz, could you please turn the radio back on?", I repeated.

Still no response.

"Aziz?", I asked.

Still no response.

"Aziz, does this have to do with me yelling at you in Ross?", I asked.

No response.

"La Netta", I asked, "Why isn't Aziz speaking to me?"

"I have no idea", La Netta said.

"Aziz, does this have to do with me yelling at you in Ross?"

"Yes, it does", Aziz said.

"We're at your house", La Netta said.

"I need to know if the song sang the C-word", I told her.

"It didn't."

"You were listening?"

"Of course. I always listen!"

I went to the back to grab my pastries, and then La Netta walked me up to my house.

The end of hugs?

2011-08-27T23:32:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Aziz drove us all over to the 7-11 site. Despite my blog post, Lita had combined our groups again.

While his clients worked, I stayed in the van.

I got out at one point. "Aziz?", I asked.

"Yes?", said Aziz.

"Did one of your clients say the word that rhymes with 'single'?"

"No."

I got back into the van and shortly thereaeter, everyone else got in. Aziz had left Alfonso to program with Clarissa's group, meaning Ken, Carl, Adam and yours truly were left in the van.

The radio turned on. "5-11", I heard. Was this traffic?

I listened longer to determine whether it was traffic. Then I heard the word "mxss".

Then the DI said, "KBLX traffic, brought to you by . . ." Then they talked about something else. That means they must have just finished traffic!

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said. "They said the M-word! It was traffic! Didn't you hear that, La Netta?"

"No", said La Netta, "I was talking with Aziz."

"Aziz, did you hear the M-word?"

"No", Aziz replied.

"This is why I hate KBLX", I said.

"I'm sorry", said Aziz. "I didn't know that."

"There are other people in the van who like KBLX", said La Netta. "We turn it on for them."

"Aziz," I said, "If the radio's set to KBLX, tell me before you turn on the radio so I have time to get my headphones on."

"OK", said Aziz. "I will do that."

"They were saying at the meeting today that we're not allowed to hug clients", La Netta said. "They said that wasn't appropriate behavior."

"You're not allowed to hug clients?", I asked.

"That's right."

"That means we can't hug or shower hugs or end-of-the-week hug?"

"Yes. I don't know if they didn't say it was sexual harassment or what . . . there's something in my book that explains it. And I told them, what about the clients who like being hugged?"

"EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!", I shrieked.

"What was that for?", asked La Netta.

"I'm still grossed-out", I said.

"By the hugging thing?"

"No, by the M-word."

I needed to purge off "mxss", but La Netta drove to the office where we said good-bye to Aziz and Adam and she told us not to get out of the van. No one was to get our except her.

I stayed in there with Aziz until La Netta got back. I could have done a lot of purging in that period of time.

We then drove over to Big Lots. La Netta made a cellphone call, then we were ready to go in.

I spotted some wasabi peanuts. I had La Netta read the bag over for purge words. When she informed me that there were none, the bag went into the cart.

At the candy aisle, I found some spice drops and Easter eggs. La Netta said the Easter eggs must not be any good by now. "You don't want those", she said.

"It says, 'Freshness guaranteed'," I said.

"OK", said La Netta.

As "Big Yellow Taxi" came on the Intercom, I looked behind me and saw six Dipser-mans. "Ewwwww!", I shrieked.

"What?", La Netta asked.

I pointed to the Dipser-mans.

"Oh", La Netta said.

I pointed some udon called Mr. Udon out to Carl, and said, "Here's a food we could have used for U -- udon!"

It was determined that I needed to spit, so La Netta took me to the restroom. On the way there, I heard a song that sang "itty-bxtty man", and growled.

In the restroom I spat, then purged off "bxtty". I used the toilet to empty my bladder, then washed my hands and came out.

La Netta showed me some granola. She checked the box and found no "txsty" or "ice xxxxx". "They have another flavor too", said La Netta.

"What's the other flavor?", I asked.

"Oatmeal."

"I don't like oatmeal. I'm going with the peanut butter."

"That's fine."

A little later . . . "James, don't look to your left", La Netta said.

I covered my eyes and walked down.

"Did they have tie I-word on the left?", I asked.

"No, it was Winnxe the Pooh," said La Netta. "You wouldn't have liked to see that, would you?"

"I wouldn't have", I replied.

We paid for our stuff. I told La Netta I wanted her to go before me.

"How's your day been going?", the girl at the cash register asked me.

"It's been a terrible day", I replied.

We then picked up lunch, then drove over to Kennedy Grove.

A man talked to his dog as I walked to the restroom.

"La Netta, did that man talking to his dog say the C-word?"

"No, he didn't", La Netta replied.

"You know whom I was referring to, right?"

"Right."

La Netta said she had a towel, and laid it out for me so I could sit on the bench. I told her I'd be in the restroom.

I went to the private restroom and purged off /ai/ sounds and eyes, then did the Dipser-mans' eyes. I'd be able to hear /ai/ sounds from now on.

Next, I got to the word "mxss". Purging off "mxss" in connection with traffic is a nightmare, because the gross factor is so strong. I kept on doing it until it felt right.

When I heard La Netta calling my name, I was still purging. I came out.

"And you didn't even get to sit on the towel", La Netta said.

"We're leaving now?", I asked.

"Right."

"Let me wash my hands."

"OK, I'll meet you at the van."

I washed my hands and then made it to the van.

"Finished?", asked La Netta.

"No", I replied.

La Netta dropped Ken and Carl off, then I asked her if she was well enough to hug me.

"I can't hug you", La Netta replied.

I was saddened that La Netta would obey a eascist rule like that, and even more saddened that she had not hugged me all week.

"La Netta, if you hadn't said you were too sick to hug me, we could have had one last hug yesterday", I said.

"I know", La Netta said. "I wasn't feeling well yesterday. I've been feeling better today than I've felt all week."

I got home and finished purging off "mxss", then did six Dipser-mans. In the evening, I swallowed the pills La Netta had given me that morning.

This new rule against coaches hugging clients is terrible. I won't be able to hug La Netta after a shower anymore, and how will Tiffany and I get our hugs in when she never seems to be working at my house anymore? I think I'm going to stop showering until I can get rewarded for a shower again.

Two "shxp"s

2011-08-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

It was Wednesday morning. and we were parked in front of Thrift Town. La Netta was making a call on her cellphone.

". . . And I have to pay for shxpping and handling", said La Netta.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Mom, I'll have to talk to you later", La Netta said. She hung up.

We then walked into Thrift Town. I stopped to look at the things in front of the store to make sure I hadn't seen any Winnxe the Pooh.

Carl was enthralled by the clothes, constantly pointing items out to La Netta.

"Are these pajamdras?", I asked La Netta.

"No," La Netta replied.

La Netta let me use the restroom there. I went in, picked my navel, washed my hands and came right out.

"You know the story of Snow White?", asked Carl. "Now they have it in book form -- see?"

"Carl, I don't want to rush you, but we're ready to go", I said.

"Hey, check out this book!"

La Netta said we were combining groups. I asked about the dollar store, and La Netta said she could still take me, if not today, Thursday morning.

We stopped at the burrito truck. Carl asked for a super vegetarian burrito and they had one pre-made for one of their most frequent customers. I ordered a super vegetarian burrito and paid only $2.50 for it.

"What do you suppose that truck is for?", Carl asked.

"I think that's when they shxp -- shxp -- shxps the food . . ."

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Aziz, you can't say that word", Carl said.

"What did I say?", asked Aziz.

"You said the SH-word", I replied.

"Oh, I'm sorry, James."

We went to Davis Park. My plans were to pick my navel in the Davis Park restroom and then eat my burrito. But to my surprise, the restrooms were locked!

I walked around. La Netta called me up to talk to Carl. Carl told me about meeting an Atlantean in a desert once.

"An alien?", La Netta asked.

"An Atlantean", I replied. "A person from the sunken island of Atlantis."

La Netta then did drops.

When we got to my house, Stan was standing there. "Hey, James, take a ride with me", he said.

"OK, Stan Man", I obliged. "Do I bring my headphones?"

I rode with Stan, while I picked my navel at the back of the van. I finally got all of Aziz's "shxp"s out.

"Let me open the door for them", Stan Man said.

We next drove to my home. Then, just after we all got out and were sanding outside the door, Stan said, "Let's take Charles and them home". He told us to all get back in the van.

On the way there, I asked Stan if I heard a car raadio. He said yes, somebody else's radio is on. Stan also asked me why my headphones weren't on.

"When I asked you, you just asked me, 'I don't know, do you need them?'," I told Stan.

"I told you to bring your headphones", he said.

"Did I hear the M-word on the car radio?", I asked Stan.

"The radio's not even on. But I'll turn it on, just so you can be sure."

I thought I heard the word "cutxe" -- or did I? It was sort of vague.

"Stan, did they say the C-word?", I asked.

"I'll turn the radio on for you", said Stan. I thought it was already on.

"Stan, did they say the C-word on the radio?", I asked.

"What?", asked Stan.

"Stan, did they say the C-word on the radio?"

"What?"

"Stan, did they say the C-word on the radio?"

"I turned it up for you."

"I mean did they say it after you turned it on? You're hearing's better than mine."

"What?"

"I mean did they say it after you turned it on? You're hearing's better than mine."

"What?"

"I mean did they say it after you turned it on? You're hearing's better than mine."

"I don't know."

I listened closely to the lyrics. They were singing, "Ooh yeah", near the end. Then the singer sang, "I'm a fool for you."

I put my headphones on for the remainder of the trip home. Upon getting home, I discovered that my Internet was down.

"Just wait a while, it'll go back up", said Stan.

"Do you know the title of the song that goes, 'Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, I'm a fool for you'?", I asked Stan.

"Was that the song that was playing on the radio?", Stan asked.

"Yes."

"How did it go again?"

"Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, I'm a fool for you."

"I don't know that song."

My Internet connection finally went up. I googled:

"i'm a fool for you" lyrics

and then:

"i'm a fool for you" lyrics "ooh yeah"

I couldn't find any song among the many that seemed to have those two phrases clustered near the end. Then I figured that if I added "cutxe" to my search, I could find if any results had those phrases as well as "cutxe". I looked away from the bar and typed in:

"i'm a fool for you" lyrics "ooh yeah" cutxe

The x in "cutxe" was actually an i.

I looked through the four pages of Google hits. All of them were song collections, none of them lyrics to one particular song! That means no song with "I'm a fool for you", "ooh yeah" and "cutxe" existed! I took my pills and ate my burrito.

Party planner

2011-08-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, we were driving to the office when Carl asked if I had met his sister Christina.

I replied that I hadn't.

"Because lately I've been seeing Christina axx oxxx the pxxxx", replied Carl.

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry, James", apologized Carl.

I went into the office to purge off "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

Aziz knocked.

"Yes?", I said.

"James?", he said.

"Yes?"

"Alfonso needs to use it."

"He can come in when I'm done."

I continued purging. Then I heard another knock

"Yes?", I said.

"James?", Aziz said.

"Yes?"

"Alfonso wants to use it now."

I came out. I heard La Netta talking with Rosa in the women's restroom.

"And then he had the nerve to tell Lita to read his blog", La Netta said.

"La Netta?", I asked.

"He's listening to our conversation!", said La Netta. "Yes, James?"

"Did you say the WH-word?"

"I don't know; I was in the restroom."

"No, I'm asking you if you said it."

"Me? No, I didn't."

"OK, thanks, La Netta."

I went back in and finished purging off "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

I then lay on the couch. I had to get off a few timse to ask about "whxxps" and other words, but no purge words were said.

Then came Ross. Aziz took me with him. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What is it?", Aziz asked.

I showed him the Winnxe the Pooh toy on the floor. I asked him if he could tell me when he sees Winnxe the Pooh or Dipser-man, so I know to close my eyes.

Aziz took me to the restroom. I purged in there until La Netta got me.

"Can we go to Chef's?", I asked La Netta.

La Netta said there would probably be no parking there.

"What about See's?", I asked La Netta.

"I could run you in", La Netta said.

When we got back into the van, La Netta told Aziz to drive us to See's Chocolates.

"Ooh, the parking here looks bad", said La Netta. "James, do you really have to go to See's?"

"Well, I wanted to get some peanut crunch", I said.

"Who is it for?", La Netta asked.

"For Jolene", I replied.

"I think we should find a way to get to her before we make any purchases. Don't want the food to get old and stale."

"Good point."

"We can't just show up at her house", La Netta said. "She's not a CIWP client."

"It wasn't my idea to show up at her house", I said. "My idea was to throw a birthday party."

"But we can't just show up at her house during program."

"La Netta! That wasn't my idea either! I already told you how I planned to do it!"

"What were your plans?"

"My plan was for Lita to give us the phone number of Jolene's house, and we'd call Jolene's house and set a date for a birthday party. Then one afternoon or evening, you'd pick me up from my house and you and I would drive over with presents for Jolene and see her."

Lunch was inside KFC. I ordered four snackers.

"Crispy or original?", the employee asked.

"Original", I said.

I got my snackers. I didn't know that by not saying "honey barbecue", they gave me snackers with no sauce at all.

I finished purging off Pooh in the restroom, then sat down to eat my snackers. Apparently they had given me crispy when I asked for original. Aargh!

On our way home, La Netta and Aziz were talking about outsourcing.

"It's that they shxp jobs . . .", said La Netta.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh, I am so sorry, James!", said La Netta.

Later on, La Netta said "every whxxx way".

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

"Is that a word?"

"You said the E, W, W words."

"Oh."

I was dropped off at Ken and Carl's house, as Stan had asked for the previous day, then it turned out they had a change of plans. Aziz and La Netta were to take me to my own house.

Aziz and La Netta discussed Bush and Obama. They discussed how Obama would have to clean up after Bush.

"This mxss -- stuff", Aziz said. Did he say "slxp" after that?

"La Netta", I asked, "Did Aziz say the SL-word?"

"No, he didn't, James", La Netta said.

I was then dropped off at my own house. La Netta said she was too sick to hug me.

Las Montañas, at last!

2011-08-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

On Monday, La Netta took us all to the office. We had Grocery Outlet and Wal-mart on the schedule, but she said she'd take me to the Mexican store afterwards.

After a little time at the office, she drove us over to Wal-mart. "What do you want to get at Wal-mart?", she asked.

"Juices and stuffed animals", I replied.

I got the juices I needed. "The stuffed animals are upstairs", said La Netta, "And Carl doesn't do upstairs."

So then it was Grocery Outlet. I got four piroshkis, three for myself and one for Jolene. I also got raspberry and blackberry candies from Haribo, chili lemon peanuts and ham.

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What happened?", La Netta asked.

"Look at this", I said. I pointed to a word on a box.

ICE MINT SHXPPER, it read.

"Oh, well, at least you got a lot of neat stuff", La Netta said.

La Netta then drove us over to Las Montañas. La Netta hadn't told me there was a tilde over the N when she spelled it out for me. But there it was -- right there on the sign.

As we walked in, I noticed there were vending machines in front of Las Montañas. I checked them out -- and saw one Winnxe the Pooh and two Tiggers! I shrieked in horror.

We visited the bakery. It was there I bought a twisted beige and pink roll and two cookies (a yellow one and a pink one). I stood in line, then paid for them.

"La Netta!", I said with delight. "They have flan!"

"Good!", said La Netta.

La Netta asked me where I wanted to go, so I told her I wanted to visit the cookie section and see if they had anything like Pom Poms or Copitos.

"They have these", said La Netta, pointing to a type of cookie called Sponch! "Do you want these?"

After finding nothing better, I picked out the Sponch! cookies. Into my basket they went, along with the flan and bakery foods.

"Look for a cash register with a light above it", said La Netta.

I looked up and saw a stuffed Winnxe the Pooh along with some beanie babies. "Ewwwwww!", I said.

"There's one!", La Netta said.

"How are you doing?", the cashier asked.

"It's a rough day", I replied.

"Why did you say it was a rough day?", La Netta asked.

"Because of the stuff I saw in the vending machines in front of the store", I replied.

"But aren't you glad about all the cool stuff you got?"

"I am", I replied.

"OK, James", said Carl as we drove up to Davis Park. "The mascot of Frosty Freeze."

"An anthropomorphic I-word cone", I said.

"The mascot of Frosted Flakes."

"Tony the Tiger."

"The lead male in Who's the Boss?"

"No idea."

"Tony Danza. The leader of a mob family."

He was clearly doing Tonys. "Tony Soprano?", I said.

"Good."

We got out at the park, and I purged off "shxpper" and all the Poohs and Tiggers in the restroom.

When I came out, I said, "The world's most famous professional skateboarder".

"Tony Hawk!", Carl said. "Good one!"

Carl offered me his chips and salsa. Having finished purging, I ate his chips to take care of my sore throat.

"La Netta!", I said. "The chips helped! My sore throat has disappeared!"

"Good!", said La Netta.

La Netta said she was too unwell to hug me that day. It was disappointing after we couldn't have an end-of-the-week hug on Friday. But there would be other opportunities to hug her. Right?

Combining the groups

2011-08-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

It was finally Friday, the day we had Las Montanas on the schedule. I was alone with La Netta when I hopped into the van. There was no Ken, and we would pick up Carl later.

La Netta told me that today we would combine groups with Aziz.

"We're still going to be able to go to Las Montanas, right?", I asked.

"We are", said La Netta.

"Oh, good."

We stopped at the office. I heard Tiffany's voice as she was talking to another CIWPer.

"Tiffany?", I called.

"James!", she said.

I ran up to Tiffany. We opened our arms and embraced.

"Oh, Tiffany", I said.

"Oh, James", said Tiffany.

"Oh, Tiffany."

"Oh, James. We haven't had a hug all year!"

"I know!"

"They've got me working at Kemet House 2. So how you been?"

"I've been feeling down lately."

I also met up with Aziz at the office. We all agreed that Stan Man would drop Carl off at the 7-11 where Aziz's group worked.

Soon we were off to 7-11. While we stopped there, Aziz mentioned that after his crew worked at 7-11 hey would play basketball.

"We're going to Las Montanas today!", I told Aziz excitedly.

"Actually, we're not going to be able to go there", said La Netta, "Because after this Aziz's group is going to play basketball at the park."

"What?!", I said.

La Netta made a phone call. I heard what may have been a "whxxps", with two "oops"es later on during her phone call.

"La Netta, did I hear a WH-word during your phone call?", I asked.

"No, James", said La Netta. "My interlocutors don't use those words."

"I meant outside at 7-11."

"Oh. You didn't."

"It was just the OO-form said three times?"

"Yes."

I heard two more "oops"es. Then I heard a "whxxps".

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D''OH! D'OH! D''OH! D'OH! D''OH! D'OH! D''OH! D'OH! D''OH!"

"How many times did you hit yourself?", asked La Netta.

"I didn't count", I said. "Who was that clumsy ox who said the WH-word?"

"You call people you don't like an ox?"

"You said people don't like being called an ox?"

"No, I said, 'You call people you don't like an ox'?"

"I call people who use the WH-word clumsy oxen."

"Oh."

"I'm having a great day", said Aziz.

"James isn't", La Netta said.

"You're right", I said.

"Why is that?", asked Aziz.

"First of all, we had Las Montanas on our schedule, and now we can't go there. I was looking forward to going there all week."

"Oh."

"Do you have to go to the park to play basketball?"

"Yes, because basketball is on the schedule for today, and my guys have been looking forward to playing it all week. I wish I could change the schedule for you. But I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for them."

"And then I heard some clumsy ox saying the WH-word at 7-11."

A little later, I asked Aziz where the group was going after basketball. He told me they were going to pick up lunch, and then eat lunch and volunteer at Kennedy Grove.

Everything for his group. Nothing for Carl and me.

On the way to the park, I ieard "bxke-riding" in a commercial while I was preparing my headphones. I growled.

Then came a park. "Is there a restroom here?", I asked La Netta.

"I don't think so", said La Netta.

I got out and spat. "Is there a restroom, Aziz?", I asked.

Aziz pointed to the restroom. He said the women's was in front of the building and the men's was behind the building.

I went into the restroom. An African-American guy in a striped polo walked in the same time I did. I gestured to him to let him know that the stall was all his.

I picked my navel in the main part of the restroom. Then the guy in the striped polo finally came out and I had the stall all to myself. I purged off the word "whxxps".

"What was the restroom like?", La Netta asked when I came out.

"Dirty, with lots of water on the floor", I replied.

They drove over to Jack-in-the-box. They got lunch, I didn't.

"You're not getting a teriyaki bowl today?", La Netta asked.

"The only place I want to get lunch today is Las Montanas", I said.

Then we drove over to Kennedy Grove.

La Netta got out. I told Aziz I was staying in the van.

"Let me tell La Netta", he said. "La Netta! James, Carl and I will be staying in the van."

La Netta spoke to Aziz from a eistance.

"She said everybody needs to get out", Aziz said.

"Tell her I'll only get out if she takes me to Las Montanas", I said.

La Netta came over to the van. "We're all getting out", she said.

"I'll get out under one condition and one condition only: that you take me to Las Montanas", I said.

"Everyone else is getting out. Come on."

"Let me do things at my own pace!"

"I've already told you what we can do."

"First I left my van to combine with Aziz's group."

"Lita told us to do that. We had to follow her orders. You need to take that up with Lita."

"Then I went to 7-11 with you guys, where I heard the WH-word."

"That was out of my control!"

"Then instead of going to Las Montanas, I went along with you to a park so Aziz's group could play basketball. And now you want me to get out here for over an hour, having to stand up for over an hour with no place to sit down? Forget it!"

"You know what?", La Netta told Aziz. "Just leave him here."

La Netta and the group walked off to eat lunch.

They ate for several minutes, then Aziz walked over. "How are you feeling?", he asked.

"Crappy", I said. "I was looking forward to going to Las Montanas all week."

"I know", said Aziz, "But changes happen, man. There's nothing we can do about it."

Aziz talked about the wasps at this park. He said once he was stung by a bee, and after he passed out he found himself in a hospital.

"The bees are the busiest of the animals", said Aziz. "They're working 24 hours a day. They don't stop?"

"They don't sleep?", I asked.

"They don't. And the ants, they are also very busy, but still not as busy as the bees. If the bees are the busiest animal, I think the ants would be the second busiest."

"And then would come the shrews. They're constantly racing about getting food."

"True. I think all the creatures have a story to teach us. And there are some bees that do nothing but mate with the queen."

"The drones?"

"Yes. All they do is make babies with the queen."

"And they can only do it once, and then they die."

"Now, why is that?"

"Because the act of sexual intercourse pulls the stinger out of the body, and when the stinger comes out, it's attached to other parts of its body and all of its guts come out."

"Oh! That makes sense!"

I sat on the back seat of the van for about two hours before La Netta and the gang came. They drove off to do our first drops, Adam and Alfonso.

What is to blame here is the combining of groups. Because Lita combined La Netta and Aziz, we didn't get to do the things La Netta's group had planned and were completely dominated by the schedule of Aziz's group. CIWP needs to stop combining groups like this. Clients have a lot of hope and anticipation for doing their favorite activities, and when two groups are driving in one van, these things get cancelled. We shouldn't have to suffer cancellations just because only two of a coach's clients showed up. Let the coaches erive with only one or two clients or take low-functioning clients out of a six-client group to put them in with the two-client group.

Spitting over twenty times

2011-08-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

This morning we stayed at Miller's Knots until La Netta announced she needed to go to the restroom. So we drove over to the office. I stayed in the men's restroom while La Netta went into the women's.

Then La Netta announced she was ready to leave. As we drove off in the van, I heard Ken saying something that may have been "yxk".

"La Netta, what did Ken say?", I asked.

"Ask Ken", La Netta said.

"Ken, what did you say?"

Ken said something that didn't sound anything like what he had said.

"Did he say 'black'?", I asked.

"No, he said the other word", La Netta said.

"Did he say the Y-word?", I asked.

"Yes", La Netta replied.

"Ewwwwwww!"

We got out at Smart & Final, the place I had requested for this week. (Well, one of two places, along with Las Montanas.)

"Do you want to go to the frozen section?", La Netta asked me. I replied in the affirmative, and we were soon inside the cold door.

The sausages were too expensive, and I really didn't want any of their other lunch meat, so we soon left the room.

"Let's get out of here before we turn to ice", La Netta said.

We got to the juices, where I picked up a Tampico and a Berkeley Farms fruit punch. Then I passed up on a lemon meringue pie.

We paid for our stuff at the check-out, then it was oef to buy lunch.

La Netta drove up to a Taco Bell. She stayed in the van while Ken walked in. La Netta told me that after Ken and Carl were out, I could go in.

"OK, James, you can go in now", La Netta said.

"Who's going to listen out for words?", I asked.

"There aren't many people in there", she said.

I went in and ordered. I thought I heard a woman saying "Whxxps", but luckily, it turned out she was speaking in Spanish. I picked up my order, asked for napkins and walked out.

We were soon at Eavis Park. I walked into the restroom and purged off Ken's "yxk". While I was purging, I heard a man talking to his dog. It sounded as if he was saying, "Cutxe cutxe cutxe cutxe cutxe".

When I walked into the van, La Netta asked, "Are you going to get your soap and walk back in?"

"I already washed my hands", I replied.

"With water, right?"

"Right."

"Then try soap too."

"Before I go back in, I need to know something. Did that man with the dog say the C-word?"

"Yes, he did."

"He did?"

"Yes."

"Echhhh! Let me carry the soap in and purge, then I can wash afterwards."

I carried my soap in and started purging off "cutxe". It was taking forever, so I gave up, washed my hands, and walked back into the van, deciding to finish when I got home.

I got out to spit.

I got out to spit again.

La Netta saw me looking at the clock. She asked what was up.

"I'm just anxious to get home", I replied.

"Why are you so anxious to get home?", she asked.

"So I can finish purging. It was taking too long to purge off the C-word, so I decided I'd just finish when I got home."

"Have you taken your pills yet?"

"No, I haven't."

"Then why don't you go back in the restroom and try to finish up, so you can take your pills."

"Should I bring my soap with me?"

"What did you say?"

"I asked, 'Should I bring my soap with me?'"

"You can just come back for it."

"I don't want to make two trips."

I carried the soap in and began purging: "kyadolutadolie, adolye, adolee".

Soon I had been in there for an hour.

I walked out thrice to ask La Netta about purge words. The third time, La Netta asked me, "Are you almost done?"

"No", I replied, "Why do you ask?"

"Because it's time to go."

"Oh, let me wash up."

I washed with my bottle of hand soap, then I was back in the van. La Netta drove over to a place down the street from Ken's house.

I got out to spit several times.

"You've spat over twenty times today", La Netta said.

"Really?", I asked.

"Yes. What's up with your throat?"

"I have a sore throat."

La Netta then dropped off Carl and Ken, where I got out to spit again. Then it was my turn.

When I got home, I purged off all the "cutxe"s, took my pills, had some starfruit juice and ate my Taco Bell at last.

Thinking I heard words

2011-08-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

We were at Miller's Knots Tuesday morning. La Netta said we'd make a stop at the office.

As we drove to the office, "Dipser Wxbs" by No Doubt came on the radio. I put my headphones on, and when I took them off it was on a different station.

"KBLX!", the DJ said. "Now let's look around at some traffic . . ."

"Quick!", I said. "Traffic!"

La Netta changed the station, and ended upon a commercial that said "C-tibank".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

La Netta turned the radio off.

When we got to the office, Carl said, "We know what you've gotta do". I went in there and purged off "C-tibank".

Once I came out, it was Carl's turn to use the restroom.

We visited the 99-cent store. When I got to the Club 99 commercial that asked, "Want it by the case?", I stopped and put my basket down so I could plug my ears during the part that said "Free shxpping".

I picked out a Zacky bologna and put it in my basket.

Carl held out two shampoos. "Pick one", he said.

I thought he was asking which one he should get, so I chose the Ocean Wave shampoo. When he put it in my basket, I told him, "I don't want to pay money for that".

"OK," said Carl, "Then I'll buy it and you can pay me back later".

"No", I said. "I mean I didn't want either of the shampoos at all."

"Gxtcha", Carl said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Sorry!"

When we stopped at the juice aisle, I put a cranberry Fuji Langer's into my basket. La Netta pointed out a passionfruit citrus Langer's, and I placed that into my basket as well. Then we went around, where I got a Stars & Stripes root beer.

I noticed some Winnxe the Pooh pencils and went, "Ewwwwwwwww!"

Twice I had to stop to put my basket down, plug my ears and hum "Alouette" because a commercial that started out with "Attention, shoppers!" began. One of those commercials has the word "txsty" near the beginning.

We all paid for our stuff, then carried our juices, shampoos and other items to the van.

We parked in front of K-mart, our next stop. Carl said that something had "caught my exe" (ewwwww!), then I heard him say "pxking out".

"Did you say the P & O words?", I asked Carl.

"No, I said 'parking lot'," Carl replied.

Carl said he'd walk into K-mart alone, then the rest of us could join. La Netta sighed and said we all needed to go in together.

We walked into K-mart, and La Netta took us around the store as Carl picked something out.

Near the end, I asked La Netta if someone had said the number "twenty", as in "4:20".

"I didn't hear that", La Netta said.

"Did you iear the TW-word?", I asked.

"I didn't hear that", La Netta said.

When I got in the van, I said I was having a bad day bvecause I had heard the TW-word (Twxnkxe).

"You did not hear the TW-word", La Netta said.

"Are you sure?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied. "Yesterday and today you think you've been hearing words that no one said. What's up? Did you not get any rest?"

"I got lots of rest", I replied.

We were soon at the part of Pinole Valley Park that had the portable. I went in, and purged off "caught my exe", with a lot of rubble-clearing before. Then I did "gxtcha", then, finally, I got to the Winnxe the Pooh pencils.

After over an hour in the restroom, I came out.

La Netta said I had been in there a long time. Well, no surprise, for I had heard and seen some creepy stuff.

A beautiful caterpillar

2011-08-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I walked into the van to hear gospel playing.

"La Netta", I said, "Here's a quiz for you. Who is the oldest living gospel star?"

"Aretha Franklin?", La Netta guessed.

"No," I said. "It's George Beverly Shea."

"And how old is he?"

"He's 102."

"I've never heard of him until now", La Netta says.

She soon changed the station to 98.1 KISS-FM. An old school rap song that sang "Slide, slide, slippity-slide" soon came on the radio. "Musical treasure", it sang. I wasn't sure, but it may have said "Txto too". (I later googled "slide slide slippity slide" and "txto too" and discovered that it did indeed have those words.)

When we got to the office restroom, I purged off "Txto", just in case. We spent quite a while at the office, where I mostly lay on the couch.

La Netta said we couldn't go to the book recycle, so instead we just went to Marshall's, where Ken had selected.

Afterwards, La Netta stopped by Burger King. I asked La Netta what there was to eat for lunch today, and she said there was just Burger King.

Then we hit Miller's Knots. "We're getting out", La Netta said.

"First no lunch, and now I have to get out?!", I said.

La Netta closed the van door and let me stay in the van.

I heard a car driving by. Did it say "cutxe"?

I had to ask La Netta about "drxp" from our group's conversation, "txsty" from two men visiting the park, and "cutxe" from the car radio's song.

"Why are you so tensed up on words today?", La Netta asked me.

"Dunno", I replied.

"We caught a caterpillar", said La Netta. "Want to see it?"

She showed me her drink, and in the cup was a big caterpillar.

"It's beautiful", La Netta said. "Do you want to take it home with you?"

"No," I replied.

"Carl's going to let it go", La Netta said.

I looked at the tree. The caterpillar was now climbing up the part where the branches first divided.

"It's a beautiful black and orange caterpillar", I told La Netta.

"It is", La Netta said.

We drove home, but La Netta was too sick for an end-of-the-week hug. She and I said our good-byes knowing that at a park today a lovely caterpillar had made our acquaintance.

The pills were delicious

2011-08-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, we started our day out with a trip to Grocery Outlet. We gathered the cheese Carl would need for his Philly cheese steak.

Carl wanted to look around, but La Netta told him we only had time to get the things we needed. I asked if we could buy some piroshki, and she said yes. Once we got to the frozen food aisle, I placed three piroshkis in Carl's basket.

After we paid for our goodies, we drove over to the office, and Carl made his Philly cheese steak. I sat in the couch room, then came out to ask La Netta if I had heard the WH-word.

"No, you didn't", said La Netta.

I thanked La Netta and lay back down. But then I heard the WH-word again.

"La Netta, did Emonte say the WH-word?", I asked.

"No, he didn't", said La Netta.

The others ate their Philly cheese steak, as I continued to lie on my favorite couch. Did I hear Kay saying "ice xxxxx"? Didn't really sound like it, but it could've been the I-word. I didn't bother asking Kay because it seemed to come from the conference room, and someone had told me there would be an annoal meeting in the conference room.

We were finally ready to leave. "La Netta, was Emonte naming the fast-food restaurants?", I asked.

"Yes", said La Netta.

We then stopped to get lunch (I personally had told La Netta I would just have my piroshki). Carl tole La Netta about his experiences with psychiatrists and group homes.

"I was shxpped off to a mental health clinic . . .", said Carl.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Sorry about that!", said Carl. "I was taken to a mental health clinic . . ."

Once we got to Pinole Valley Park, I complained that we were not near the portable, so I would not be able to pick my navel.

"You can use the restroom", said La Netta.

"But you're going to say, 'There are kids here!'," I objected.

"I think we're alone", said Carl.

So I went and picked my navel, then I washed my hands and came out.

"Did you wasi your hands?", asked La Netta.

"Yes, I did", I replied.

I got out of the van to clear my throat of phlegm and got back in again.

"Now, I'm ready to take my pills . . . except for one thing", I said. "Did Kay say the I-word in the office?"

"That's something you should have asked Kay when you were in the office," La Netta said.

"I heard her saying it in the conference room."

"There was a meeting in the conference room."

"Exactly! I couldn't have asked Kay because there was an annual in the conference room."

"Well, then, how about: I don't know?"

"I'm going to have to purge!", I said.

I got out of the van once more and headed back to the restroom. Vanilla ice xxxxx permeated every pore and cavity in my body. It came up again and again. Finally, I was ice-xxxxx-free.

I washed my hands and was ready to take my pills.

"Safeway commercial!", I said when I got back into the van.

Carl turned it off.

I swallowed each pill. The pills were delicious.

Enzingiyi the clairaudient

2011-08-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, we walked into the pet store, where we were scheduled.

At PetSmart, La Netta pointed out the hamsters and guinea pigs. She asked me if hamsters were related to rats or guinea pigs, and I explained to her that hamsters were more closely related to rats, whereas guinea pigs were more closely related to porcupines.

"Ken is wandering off again", said La Netta.

After a full stay at the pet store, we walked out where La Netta turned on the radio and 98.1 KISS-FM played.

I heard a familiar song opening, with lots of cranking sounds and an electronic beat. I tried to remember what song was this? Could this be the song La Netta turned off once that started out with "cutxe pie"?

"Cutxe pie . . .", the song began.

"Echhhhhh!", I said.

La Netta turned the radio off.

I declined the burrito truck, so while the others got their lunches there I stayed in the van. Then I went to the restroom at Davis Park to purge off "cutxe".

I came out. The radio was oee when I got back into the van. La Netta said we'd go at 1:00.

Shortly before we left off, I thought I heard a familiar song playing. "Do I hear the song 'Ring My Bell'?", I asked La Netta.

La Netta turned the radio on. "Ring My Bell" was playing. "Yoou must have ESP, because that song is playing, but the radio was oef."

"Are you sure the radio was off?", I asked.

"It was. The clock wasn't on."

"Wow, you think I should get tested for psychic powers?"

"You siould."

There was just one thing I wanted to know . . .

"Are you sure another car didn't have its radio on?", I asked.

"It couldn't have been another car", La Netta said. "There aren't any other cars around here."

At 1:00, La Netta drove off to K-mart, and after K-mart we all went home. La Netta said Carl had stressed her out so much she couldn't hug me a shower hug.

Could this be why I'm so attracted to the new age section? If what La Netta said is true, I have the power of clairaudience. I have read about psychic powers before, but never seriously believed that I had them myself. The truth is out there . . .