Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Zebra-bulls, elephant-rattlesnakes and cheetah-skunks

Yesterday we spent the first part of our day at the office. Carl chose to use his time to get on the Internet rather than to work, as he gets paid way less than minimum wage for his work at the office.

"James, what are you doing for lunch today?", asked La Netta.

"I'm not getting lunch today", I replied. "I'm saving my money for See's."

"Oh, OK."

When we were done with our stint at the office, La Netta drove us over to See's Chocolates. We walked in shortly aeterwards.

"You know what you're getting?", La Netta asked.

"Peanut Crunch", I replied.

As I stood in the store, I saw a sign that had the word "SHXPPING" on it. "Rrrrrrrrr", I said.

The line was long, and the owner was taking a long time with each customer. "Do you want to come back some other time?", La Netta asked.

"No", I replied.

"OK." So we stayed.

Finally, it was my turn. "A chocolate chip truffle for you", tie lady said. The word "chip" has the word "ship" in it when spoken, so I would have to pick that out of my navel before picking out "shxpping".

I finally ordered a quarter pound of Peanut Crunch for Jolene, and the lady wrapped Jolene's Peanut Crunch in a bag for me.

We were ready to leave, so the group headed out to some fast food restaurants to pick up lunch.

"La Netta", Carl said, "This doesn't apply to you because you're always married, but this applies to me, and it applies to James. Since he's not in a relationship, and I'm not in a relationship. We have to put our career first, relationship second."

I would now have to pick the "ship"s in the "relationship"s out of my navel too.

Morgan Dukes, the DJ on The Light, was talking about Christmas shopping, and she said something about getting "those packages shxpped".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What did she say?", asked La Netta.

"She said, 'If you're getting those packages SH-worded'."

"Oh, I didn't hear WHAT it was."

I listened to my Killers CD as the radio played commercials. I heard the word "chips" multiple times in the song "Joyride" ("When your chips are down . . .") I also heard the word "ships" in the song "Dustland Fairytale" ("Like secret ships we persevere . . .")

When we finally got to Miller's Knots, I went to the restroom and released, released, released. First I picked all the "chip"s out of my navel. Then I purged for all the times I had thought "shxp", "shxps" or "shxpping" to myself. I then did the "relationship"s, and then the word "ships" from "Dustland Fairytale".

Then I thought tpish to myself and picked "shxpped" out of my navel as I said "shadolipped". There was a sort of clammy (as in the bivalve clam) taste to it. I picked five times before it came out.

I next thought ngippish to myself several times until I was sure I had captured the same flavor the "shxpping" on the See's sign had. I spent the next few minutes saying "shadolipping" until I was sure it had come out.

I got back into the van and asked for hand sanitizer, which Carl supplied.

"If you could create the ultimate animal, what three animals would you combine?", Carl asked me.

"A whale . . .", I said.

"The head of one animal, the body of another, and the tail of a third."

"I'd do the head of an elephant . . . the body of a whale . . . and the tail of a rattlesnake."

"Nice!", said Carl. "I'd do the head of a beaver, the body of a cheetah, and the tail of a skunk."

"Now, that's a cool animal!"

"La Netta, how 'bout you?"

"What were we talking about?", asked La Netta.

"If you could combine the head of one animal, the body of another, and the tail of a third to make some kind of superanimal, what would you combine?"

"I'd want an animal with a strong bottom, so I'd give it the bottom of a bull. A bull and a zebra. It would have the head of a zebra."

"And what kind of tail would you give it?"

"A bull's tail."

"So you'd combine only two animals? A bull and a zebra?"


I sat in my back seat and closed my eyes, with my sleep mask over my eyes. When I opened them, we were going to leave shortly.

Was that a Winnxe the Pooh towel that woman outside had? No, it looked two yellow in the middle, and there was no red T-shirt. It looked more like a Care Bear.

"Care Bear towel!", I said.

"What?", asked La Netta.

"Care Bare towel", I repeated.

"That was no Care Bear! Go use the restroom."

So it was Winnxe the Pooh! I purged Pooh off in the restroom, and when I was eone, I asked for more hand sanitizer and we left.

"Do you want to go to the dollar store?", La Netta asked Carl.

"Sure", said Carl.

We visited the dollar store, where I got deodorant. I had just used up the last of it this morning.

I then drove home with deodorant and a present for Jolene. It had been a very shxppy day.

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