Friday, July 29, 2011

Both unwell

Today, La Netta and Aziz had Carl, Adam, Alfonso, Lance and me.

"La Netta, did this song sing 'E-word on me'?", I asked as I got into the van.

"No, James", said La Netta.

Two songs later, as I was getting my headphones on: "La Netta, did this song sing the word that rhymes with 'single'?"

"No, James", La Netta replied. "You got your headphones?"

"I have them on right now. See?"

"Good."

I put my headphones on while the radio played on KMEL, then I kept them on while they played through Movin' 99.7.

We parked at Berkeley so Aziz's group could do their 7-11 work. Next, we drove over to Whole Foods. I didn't go in.

As we drove back to the office, La Netta's phone rang. She answered it.

It was Lita. I may have heard Lita say "whxxps". Lita was asking La Netta if Adam, Alfonso or Carl would like to do volunteer work at Kennedy Grove (our lunch site today).

La Netta could barely hear Lita. The pager dropped, then La Netta picked it up again. She told Lita that Carl would not be the type to enjoy volunteer work.

"Must be in need of people", La Netta said.

"La Netta," I asked, "Did Lita say the WH-word?"

"I don't know", replied La Netta.

"You mean you couldn't make out what she was saying?"

"I couldn't."

"D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!" I slammed my forehead.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Because Lita said the WH-word."

"Oh."

A little later, La Netta asked me if I'd like to go to Chef's, because she was going to stop by "the bank" at El Cerrito Plaza. I replied in the affirmative.

We drove to the office and I went into the restroom to purge off the WH-word. When I got out, La Netta saw me and asked what was up.

"I just got done purging off the WH-word", I replied.

La Netta changed the schedule on the board and visited the women's room. I told her I'd be in the men's.

Just then I saw Lita. "Hello, James", she said.

I waved. "Lita?"

"Yes?"

"Did you say the WH-word in your phone call to La Netta?"

"I don't remember. Probably not, because it was a call about clients working at Kennedy Grove. I don't think so."

"Thanks, Lita."

"You're welcome."

I walked into the men's room and stayed there for protection from purge words until La Netta came out.

I went into Chef's and got chow mein, fish and shrimp, and honey sesame chicken.

Then La Netta visited GNC.

At 12:46, we finally arrived at Kennedy Grove. I took my pills in the restroom there.

"La Netta", I asked, "Should I tell Stan Man about my sore throat?"

"You definitely should", said La Netta.

We stayed there until 1:45.

Then Carl was dropped off, followed by Adam. After Alfonso was dropped off, I, with my headphones on, asked, "Can we have the radio on Star 101.3 now?" I added, "La Netta, raise your hand once the radio is on Star 101.3".

Soon after, La Netta raised her hand, and I took off my headphones. The radio was playing "Dreams" by the Cranberries.

"There's my song", I said.

"All right now", said La Netta.

Well I got home, I asked, "End-of-the-week hug, La Netta?"

"Let's wait until we both get better", said La Netta.

Dradolipping, dradolipping, dradolipping . . .

Today La Netta ordered the three-taco deal for Carl at the drive-through for Jack-in-the-box.

"You know me very well", said Carl.

When she got Carl's order, La Netta asked him if he wanted her to set his tacos down.

"Just somewhere where they're not drxpping all over my drink!", said Carl.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry about that!"

We drove to the Davis Park, and La Netta said, "Carl, let James get out".

Carl let me out and I went to the restroom.

"Dradolipping, dradolipping, draeolipping . . .", I started, each one with the taste of Jack-in-the-box taco coming up.

After 90 of them, I finished with an overarching "dradolipping" down there and another up here, and washed my hands (albeit without soap). I came out.

"Did I hear anyone at the park say any purge words?", I asked La Netta.

"No, you didn't", replied La Netta.

We heard a car radio passing by us at the park.

"Did I hear the D-word?", I asked.

"When?", asked La Netta.

"Just now -- on the car radio", I said.

"No, you didn't."

"Now you didn't hear it", said Carl. "When I said it, there was no doubt about it."

He got that right.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Txrxntula! Txrxntula!

Yesterday, we were in Target together when I saw something to my left. Was it flashcards . . . or was it candy?

I looked . . . and I saw some stuff on the presidents. Clearly flashcards. There was a flashcard with the letter F to the right. Had I seen the txrxntula flashcard box on the left?

La Netta asked me, "Is something wrong?"

"Flashcards", I replied. "Do they have 'that' one?"

"Let me look . . . said La Netta. Yes, they do. Here, we can leave this section."

To my left, I saw a butterfly on top and a fuzzy txrxntula below. I shuddered.

"What do that consist of?", asked La Netta.

"What does what consist of?", I asked.

"Seeing a dipser."

"Well, first I do the eyes, then I do the legs . . ."

"It's a long and complicated process."

"Yes."

After stopping at a bunch of other sections, we got my juices. Shortly thereafter, we left.

We then stopped at the burrito truck. There I got a super vegetarian burrito.

Once La Netta stopped the van at Miller's Knots, she said, "OK, James, you can use the restroom here".

I went into the bigger of the two restrooms and locked it. I unbuttoned my pants and closed my eyes.

I purged off all the eyes I had seen since seeing the txrxntula, as well as all the legs. I purged off all the /ai/ sounds I had heard. Then I purged for the time La Netta had said "dipser".

Then, with my eyes still closed, I went down to my groin and chanted "adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye". An "adolye" went up at the end.

I kept my eyes closed to avoid seeing my own legs while doing "ladoreg, ladoreg, ladoreg, ladoreg, spadolider, taradolantula". I did it again and again for the first leg, then when I was sure I had it out of me I got to the secone leg.

At 1:30, we left the park and I asked La Netta for some hand sanitizer.

"You have soap in your bag", she said.

"I do," I replied, "But I really hate using the faucet here."

"Hand sanitizer gets most of the germs, but not all of them. And then, when you touch something in the van . . . Here, let me give you some hand sanitizer. But we're going to have to spray it on several times." La Netta sprayed some hand sanitizer on my left hand.

I rubbed the hand sanitizer into my left hand and right hand. Then La Netta gave me a second squirt.

"Did you take your pill?", she asked.

"I'm not done", I replied.

"You're not done?! How can you not me done?"

"It takes a long time to purge off one of those."

"How long is long?"

"Several hours."

"Several hours?"

"Yep."

"Rub it on your knuckles, like this. Yeah, I think you've got it all."

We got home and carried the juices into my room. Then I put the burrito into a ziploc bag.

I did legs again, then I finished off each leg. Then came a main "spadolider, taradolantula" ritual that I repeated over and over.

Shortly before 4:47, I did some overarching "spadoliders" and "taradolantula"s. Then came a spaghetti-and-meatballs "spadolider, spadolider, spadolider, spadolider, tarado-LANTula! (going up), spadolider, spadolider".

At 4:47 I finished. At 4:48 I took my first pill, and at 4:49 I turned the computer off. I took my other pill, and then ate my burrito.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Wishing I had my towel

On Friday morning, La Netta's group was joined by Wanea with Snodgrass and Tully. Apparently Tiffany wasn't coming that day.

After they had picked me up, La Netta drove somewhere and got out.

"Looooooooooook!", Snodgrass squealed. "My bxke!"

"Shawn, that motorcycle is not yours!", I retorted.

When I came back I told La Netta that Snodgrass had said a motorcycle was his.

"Mmmm", said La Netta.

We waited in front of the Richmond Medical Center to pick up Carl. Wanda explained how Snodgrass and Tully didn't do well in stores, so we weren't going to go inside any establishments today.

Carl finally came out, and after sharing greetings the group parked at a park.

At 10:24, La Netta invited me into Trader Joe's. La Netta and Wanda agreed that the former would take Ken and me into the grocery store, while the latter would stay in the van with Snodgrass and Tully.

"Did this song sing the P&A words?", I asked La Netta.

"No, James, it didn't", said La Netta. "What's up?"

"It really sounded like the P&A words."

"Well, it wasn't. Is it the configuration of the group today, or did you just not get any sleep?"

"I didn't get any sleep", I replied.

"I thought so!"

La Netta asked me whether I wanted to look for challah. I looked at the bread, but didn't see any challah.

"I didn't see any either", said La Netta.

"Wait!", I said. "There it is!"

La Netta asked me if I wanted some dried fruit or frozen stuff, and I explained to her that I only had enough money for the challah.

We paid for our stuff, then we were out the door.

La Netta stopped at the office and used the restroom. When she came out, I asked her when I'd be able to get to a restroom.

"Why do you need to go?", asked La Netta.

"I need to pick my navel", I replied.

"Why?"

"Remember? Snodgrass saying the motorcycle was his?"

"I thought he said 'motorcycle'."

"No, it was the B-word", said Carl.

"He says 'motorcycle' now."

"Really?", I asked.

Eventually we got to Kennedy Grove, where I went to the restroom to pick my navel.

I came out and listened to the various CIWPers who were having conversations.

"Isn't someone going to make Tully clean up his mxss?", asked Carl.

"Ewwwwww!", I said, and it was back to the restroom for me.

I stood outside at the park and watched the table at which La Netta was sitting. One fellow there was eating with a white frok.

"Is that plastic?", I asked.

No response.

"La Netta, is that plastic?", I asked again.

"Is what plastic?", asked La Netta.

"His silverware."

"Yes, it is."

"Ewwwwww!"

I ran to the restroom, but before I could make it to the restroom I heard my name.

"Carl?", I asked.

"There's something I wanted to show you", said Carl.

"When I'm out of the restroom", I said.

"OK."

The restroom turned out to be occupied, so I let Carl show me then and there.

Carl took a stick and showed me first a lobster with one claw, then another amputee animal (I forget which), then a harpoon.

By now the restroom was open, so I began purging off the frok.

I purged until I heard Carl speaking to me.

I spoke to him and he asked me if I was OK.

"No, I saw plastic", I replied.

"When should I tell La Netta you're going to be done?", he asked.

"Soon", I replied.

I soon finished.

I joined La Netta and asked her if it was safe to look at the table. She said it was.

I complained about having to stand up for a long time. It seemed I had been there for an eternity, and yet it was only 12:40.

La Netta said we should get the towel. Our plan for the last week or so had been to boy me a towel with our van money so I could sit on park benches and at park tables. The towel would be two-sided, with one white side and one orange/blue/green/brown side, so the same side could always be put touching the bench/table, and I would always sit touching the same side. We had missed an opportunity to find such a towel at Target.

After much standing around, we finally headed back to the van.

Wanda said "little bxtty".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Is that a word?", asked Wanda.

"Yes, it is", said Carl.

"Sorry, James."

When I got home, I asked La Netta for an end-of-the-week hug. She obliged, and we had a good hug for a rough day.

I purged off "bxtty", then ate my challah bread.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ewwwwwww! Fernandez Park!

On Wednesday morning, we had Fernandez Park scheduled, but La Netta decided to take us to the 99-cent store instead. Oh good, I thought, anything to get me away from the cobwxb park.

La Netta asked me, "Are you buying anything?" as we walked in.

"Probably not", I replied.

Shortly after we walked in, a commercial came on. "Attention shoppers!", the commercial said. "Discover txsty and healthy snacks . . ."

"Blechhh!", I shouted.

"T-word in the commercial!", said Carl.

"Do we have to leave?", asked La Netta.

"I can't hold it in", I said.

"Let me check", said Carl. A little later, Carl said, "I checked -- there's no restroom."

"Is there a restroom around here?", I asked.

"You're not going in there to purge", said La Netta.

I became more and more tense.

"Let's leave now", said La Netta. The group left without buying anything. "We'll go to Fernandez Park, because that's what we had scheduled."

Oh no, Fernandez Park! I might get cobwxbs on me!

La Netta announced we were getting out.

"Can we walk in that part of the park?", I asked, pointing to the part where the cobwxbs weren't.

"Sure, we can", said La Netta. "You can use the restroom here."

"No way! This park is crawling with cobvebs!"

"Then we'll go for a walk."

"The T-words are already multiplying!", I said.

"Then maybe it would be best if you used the restroom. Nobody else is here."

"But we'll have to walk around."

We walked around until we went through the ivied gate. I soon found myself in the men's room.

"There are no doors between the stalls", said Carl. "We can't go here!"

"Well," said La Netta, "We can't go to the same old parks all the time. We need some variety!"

"But look at it! He doesn't have privacy!"

I had already thought eight extra "txsty"s to myself when I walked in. I purged them off, then thought Mr. Txstee's ice xxxxx head to myself. Txsty, txsty, txsty, I thought.

A man passed by. "There's somebody in there", Carl told him.

"I can wait", he said.

"James?", called La Netta.

"Yes?", I replied.

"How long you going to be in there?"

"Not long."

Eventually Carl and La Netta agreed to let him in and have me take a break. I stepped outside the men's room and let him in. As the man walked in, I saw he was wearing a T-shirt that said LET TIMMY SMOKE.

"Oh, no, I've just thought four more T-words to myself!", I shouted.

"What did you say?", asked La Netta.

"I said, 'Oh, no, I've just thought four more T-words to myself!' I'm going to have to purge four more times!"

"Who said the T-words?"

"The commercial at the dollar store."

"But you're not there anymore."

"I thought them to myself. Every time I think the word, I have to purge it off."

The men did his business and left. "See you, Timmy", said Carl.

I purged off those four "txsty"s. Then I did another bunch of four, then a bunch of three.

Txsty ice xxxxx, I thought to myself. Txstoer. Txstiest.

Eventually I purged everything off and was ready to come out.

"May I have some hand sanitizer now?", I asked La Netta.

Rodney's run

On Tuesday, CIWP was overstaffed, so Aziz replaced La Netta. Cliff also joined the group, with both Adam and Lance.

"We're going to El Cerrito Plaza because Carl was supposed to buy something at Farmer's Market", said Aziz.

As we got out, I heard Cliff say, "We're getting out, Bill".

"Is his name Bill?", I asked, pointing to the African-American boy in the middle row.

"His name's Lance. Bill is the one behind you."

"You mean Carl?"

"Yes, that's his name. Carl. I'm bad with names."

"Bill was a client here who was friends with Carl. He'd talk about oee-the-wall stuff like Carl.

"I know. That's where I drew the connection."

We all walked through the farmer's market but no one bought anything. Then Aziz suggested we go to Trader Joe's.

Aziz, Carl and I were together looking at frozen foods. Aziz asked if I wanted a sample. I said no.

Then Aziz showed me the restroom. I went in, and when I came out I was ready for a sample.

"What are you selling?", I asked the lady.

"These are pancakes", she said.

"Oh," I said. "I don't eat pancakes."

"You don't want to try them? Because they're really delicious."

Cliff then walked up with Adam and Lance and told Adam he would have to wait to use the restroom. But I opened a second restroom door.

As we waited outside, I thought I heard a "whxxps".

"Cliff", I asked, "Did I hear the WH-word?"

"No", replied Cliff.

"Wait . . . do you know what the WH-word is?"

"No, I don't."

"It rhymes with 'oops'. And it means the same thing as 'oops'."

"Oh, I don't know, because I wasn't paying attention."

"Aaaaaaaargh! Aziz?"

"He's over there."

"Aziz?", I asked.

"Yes, James", said Aziz.

"Do you know whether I heard the WH-word?"

"I didn't hear it, but I was down there."

"Carl, do you know?"

"I was down there too," replied Carl.

I walked up to the lady selling pancakes. "Ma'am?", I asked.

"Yes?", she reploed.

"Did you or the person you were speaking with say the WH-word?"

"No", she replied.

"Do you know what the WH-word is?"

"No."

"It rhymes with 'oops'. And it means the same thing as 'oops'."

"Oh, I didn't say that."

"What about the person you were talking with?"

"He didn't say it either."

Aziz was ready to leave, but I told him I wanted to look for Aidell's sausages. Cliff left with Adam and Lance, while Aziz hung around with Carl, Ken and me.

I looked at the sausages, but they didn't have Aidell's, so I told Aziz I was ready to leave.

Next, we drove around to Blockbusters.

Carl told me to look as he held up a movie. He told me the movie was called Bolt. I looked, and saw a dog who resembled Spuds Mackenzie.

Aziz, Cliff and the gang walked around the store some more until Carl said, "It's the movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere I wnated to show you -- look".

I looked up to see his movie. Pretty unimpressive. Then I checked to see what I had seen in the backgroune when I looked up. One was a Dipser-man movie!

"Ewwwwwww!", I shrieked.

"What?, asked Carl.

I pointed to the grey and red Dipser-mans on the package.

"Oh, that", Carl said.

"What do you want for lunch?", Aziz asked.

"I want Chinese food", I replied.

"From where?"

"From Chef's."

"OK, then we can go back to the El Cerrito Plaza."

"Go down", Cliff told Lance as we got back into the van. "Scxxt over!"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Uh, you said a word", said Carl.

It was only 10:30, so the group decided to wait until 11:30 to start picking up lunch.

"Did I hear the I-word?", I asked Aziz.

"No, James", replied Aziz.

"Did Cliff say the WH-word?"

"No, it was another word", said Aziz.

"James, you anticipate those words", said Cliff.

"No, I don't", I replied. "I don't think someone's going to say them. I just listen, and then I think someone's said them after the fact."

"But you anticipate them. Because you thought someone said the I-word, and no one's saying the I-word. You think I'm saying the WH-word, and I'm not saying the WH-word."

"Do you know what the WH-word is?"

"Yes, you told me. We don't need to go over it again."

Cliff and his half of the group fooled around at a dollar store before packing back in the van.

"Scxxt over!", Cliff told Lance.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Scxxt over so I can get in the van! I don't want to have to walk to CIWP."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"You said a word!", said Carl.

"You said the SC-word!", I said.

"What?", said Cliff.

"You said the SC-word!"

"I said 'CIWP'."

"No, you said the SC-word!"

"I said 'CIWP'!"

"Before that! You said the word that rhymes with 'boot'."

"I don't know about that", said Cliff. "I don't know my rhymes. Nobody's saying those words!"

"You did say it", said Carl.

"It's the word that begins with SC", I said. "It rhymes with 'boot'. It's followed by 'over', and you tell people to do it when they're sitting in the wrong seat."

"Huh?", said Cliff. "I just told him to scxxt over so I can get in the van!"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. "That's the word!"

"Get into the van?", asked Cliff.

"Blank over so I can get into the van?"

"Get into the van?"

"No, blank over. The word that comes before 'over'. The SC-word."

"Oh, sorry, James", Cliff apologized.

They took me to Lee's Garden. Aziz went in with me, and I ordered chow mein, Mongolian beef and three pot stickers while Aziz ordered his own lunch.

After everyone else got his lunch, we went to Davis Park.

I purged off the Dipser-mans in the restroom, then it came time to do the "scxxt over"s. The driver on the bus says "move on back", I thought to myself as the taste of cooked carrot came up with each "revo toocs" I thought to myself. Then I did some "scadoloot over"s and more cooked carrot taste came up.

As we drove home, the group talked about money, and then the conversation shifted to the government getting into people's personal lives, and especially marijuana.

"Weed isn't a problem", said Cliff. "Methamphetamines are a problem. Crack cocaine is a problem. Ecstasy is a problem."

"PCP is a problem", I said.

"Yeah. Marijuana is not a problem."

We pulled up to my house. Rodney was already there.

Cliff got out so Claudette could sign my sign-in sheet. Then, before we knew it, Rodney was after Cliff's lunch!

"That's my lunch!", said Cliff.

Rodney began snapping at Cliff's lunch like an alligator.

"That is not yours!", said Cliff.

"I'll get you a snack", said Claudette.

Cliff jerked his lunch around, like the ball on a fishing pole bobbing on the water as the fish yanks at its bait. Each time, Rodney's hands snapped in that alligatorine manner.

Rodney chased Cliff. Cliff told Aziz to drive off and h'd rush into the van and close the door, leaving Rodney behind.

When Cliff and Aziz were out of sight, Cliff apparently made it in as Rodney was at a distance, chasing the van with no van in sight.

"Rodney!", said Claudette.

Claudette and I climbed the sidewalk to chase Rodney. "This is crazy", said Claudette.

Finally we got Rodney to come back.

But shortly thereafter, Rodney was climbing the sidewalk, running up the street to catch the van again.

"This is really crazy!", said Claudette. I dodged the tree as Claudette and I climbed the sidewalk a second time.

This time Rodney made it much higher up the street than he did the first time. It appeared we would lose him, until Claudette saw Stan Man's van. "There's Stan Man!", she said.

Rodney finally climbed back down.

"That was very rude, Rodney", said Claudette. "Now I might not even get you a snack."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Oh no, La Netta!

As we were driving to Miller's Knots this morning, I started groaning.

"What's wrong?", La Netta asked.

"I'm getting gas pains", I replied.

"Again?"

I went to the restroom and broke wind. When I came out, La Netta asked, "What about your hands?"

"I didn't use the toilet", I replied.

"What were you doing in there?"

"All I did was break some wind."

We hung around a bit longer, then we drove to the office. While we were driving, Carl said "bxny".

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"What did I say?", asked Carl.

"You said the word that rhymes with 'Tony'."

"Oh, sorry. Didn't know that one."

"You want a list?"

"There's a list up here", said La Netta. "How did it get there?"

"It must have been the list Aziz gave to Renée."

When we got to the office, someone was in the restroom. Carl and I waited outside.

The door opened and Carl went in. La Netta came out, and told me to tell Carl to sit in the conference room with Alejandra when he came out.

I told Carl that, then went in the men's. I locked the door and turned on the fan. Then I unbuttoned my pants, pulled them down, sat on the toilet seat, and exploded.

I wiped with toilet paper, then purged off "bxny". I washed my hands, and we exited the office shortly thereafter.

Our next stop was Smart & Final. La Netta had put this place on the schedule for me so I could get my Tampicos. As we drove there, Carl sang a song called Rosanna and said he thought it was by Txto.

At Smart & Final, La Netta asked me, "Do you want to look at the cherries?" I surveyed the produce section. Then I checked out their kiwifruit. Reading the box upside-down, I saw it said "Tantalizing and txsty".

"Blechhh!", I said.

"What is it?", La Netta asked.

I showed her.

"Oh!", she said. "The T-word on the kiwis!"

La Netta took me over to the juice section, where I got one Tampico and one grape drink. The grape drink was not Tampico, but Berkeley Farms' answer to Tampico. It was only 99 cents for a gallon!

La Netta also asked me if I wanted their good deal on a lemon meringue pie, and I said yes. When I got to the check-out, there were two juices and a lemon meringue pie on the conveyor belt.

I got out to spit, then we visited Big Lots. I chose not to buy anything, but at the juice section I saw four bottles of juice with Winnxe the Pooh on them. "Oh, no, La Netta!", I said.

"What os it?", La Netta asked.

I pointed to the Winnxe the Poohs.

La Netta came closer. "Oh", she said.

As we walked down an aisle, my right eye started itching. I rubbed the eye, but kept walking -- and my head collided with that of La Netta, who was right in front of me!

"Owwwww!", La Netta said. "My head hurts!"

"Did I get you?", I asked.

"Yes, you did."

"My head hurts too. I was rubbing my eyes, but I kept on walking, and so I got you."

A little while later, La Netta asked me if my head still hurt. I told her it did.

"You must have had your eyes closed", La Netta said.

"You did hear what I told you, right?", I asked.

"Tell me again."

"You didn't hear me explaining to you how it happened?"

"I didn't."

"I was walking behind you, when suddenly my right eye started itching, so I began rubbing my eyes, and even though I was rubbing my eyes, I kept on walking, so I didn't see you had stopped, and then my head hit yours."

"La Netta!", Carl called out.

"You'll have to call me something else", said La Netta, "Because everyone in all these stores must know my name by now. You guys keep calling my name so much!"

"How about . . . Francesca?", I asked.

La Netta laughed. "We'll have to think of something."

La Netta paid for her purchases, and we drove through Taco Bell.

Next came Miller's Knots. My head still aching, I went to the restrooms and started with "txsty". That took a while. Then I did "Txto", then finally embarked on all those Winnxe the Poohs.

After over an hour, I came out. La Netta told me I had a tear at the back of my pants.

"Not another pair!", I said. I had recently lost two pairs of pants to rips at the back.

"There's no tear", said Carl.

Carl told La Netta that Hilltop Mall used to have a Sam's Club. It was next to FYE (For Your Entertainment). He asked me if I remembered it, and I said no. I explained that growing up in Central Contra Costa, we went to the Sun Valley Mall instead oe the Hilltop Mall.

La Netta argued back and forth with him until she said, "You're right, Carl. Hilltop Mall did used to have a Sam's Club."

"You're just saying that", said Carl. "I wanted you to really believe that I was right!"

"I do believe you're right!"

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Txrxntula!

On Friday it was just La Netta, Carl, Ken and yours truly -- no Adam or Renée.

La Netta told me to close my eyes as we parked. I kept my eyes closed; apparently she was going into C-tibank.

The next stop was Target. We all went in. I could have held onto the cart, but instead chose to follow La Netta.

My eyes were cupped, but my right eye kept popping open. Near the beginning of our trip to Target, I saw some yellow boxes that looked like crayon boxes. I decided to check out what I had seen.

They were boxes of flashcards. Two boxes had butterflies on the front, and one showed a lion with the letter L.

Then I noticed the butterfly card box said "Insects". Might it include dipsers too? I looked more closely at the box, and then saw what looked like a txrxntula at the bottom right. Then, removing all doubts, I saw the word "txrxntula" on the bottom left of the card.

"Oh, no, La Netta!", I said pointing to it.

"Oh, dear", La Netta said.

"It's technically not even an insect."

"What is it then?"

"It's an arachnid."

Carl told La Netta, "You know the adult kids' restaurant, DNV?"

"What's it called?", La Netta asked.

"It's a restaurant for adults who are still in touch with their inner cihld, and it's called DNV."

"Haven't heard of it."

Now I would have to purge off "inner cihld" too.

By now my saliva was building up. It was filling up my mouth. "Mmmm", I said.

"What's wrong?", asked La Netta.

"Mmm mmm mmm mmm", I replied.

"James, James, James, James."

I heard little kids speaking. They may have said "ice xxxxx". Did they say "Whxxps" afterwards?

Then I heard something drop on the floor. I froze and covered my ears.

Then a woman with a cart came by. I stepped back into the aisle perpendicular to where I had been standing and let her by.

By the time she was crossed, I was behind La Netta. "Where's James?", I heard La Netta say.

"Rmmmmmmmm!", I called.

"James?"

"Mmmmmmmmm!" I raised my hand.

"Put your hand down, James", said La Netta. "I see you."

As we approached the end, I thought I heard someone say, "Whxxps!" I slugged my forehead three times without saying "D'oh!", as my mouth was full.

"Don't hurt yourself", said La Netta.

The others paid for their stuff. Then we were out the door. I spat in the pot of a palm tree.

"Did the little kids say the I-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No, they didn't", she said.

"And there was only one WH-word, right?"

"It was the OO-word."

"When I was hitting my forehead?"

"Yes."

We had earlier agreed to wait until after Target to go to the restroom. Now we were making a drive to the office.

I stood out in the main office with La Netta.

"Where are you going to be, James?", La Netta asked.

"I'm going to wait until Ken gets out of the restroom", I said.

"Ken came out", she said.

"Then I'm going to wait until Carl gets out of the restroom."

"Carl's on the couch!"

"Then I'll be in the men's room."

I started by rubble-clearing all the eyes and /ai/s and then got to the exes of the two txrxntulas. Then I embarked on the legs.

There was a knock at the door. I opened the door after zipping and buttoning up.

A male African-American client with glasses and a hat was standing there. I let him in.

As I stood outside, Maria said, "Pxrdon?"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. "You said the word again!"

"Pard--?", Maria began.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I said you said the word again!"

"Sorry, James", said Maria. "I didn't know you were in here."

I came back in the restroom and purged off the "pardon".

Carl knocked and asked me when I'd be done.

"Well," I said, "It will take me a long time to purge off the flashcards, but not too long to purge off Maria's word."

"So when are you going to be out?", he asked.

"I think I'll just do Maria's word and then I'll leave."

"Sounds fine with me."

I finished purging off "pardon" and then it was Carl's turn.

When Carl came out of the restroom, we all headed to the van, where we stopped at the burrito truck.

"James, are you getting lunch?", asked La Netta.

"I lost my appetite", I said.

"So what are you going to do when you get home?"

"Not eat anything."

"Have a chimichanga, then."

As the others got their lunches, I watched, then joined them.

"Changed your mind?", asked La Netta.

"I've decided when I'm done purging I might have my appetite back", I said.

I ordered a super vegetarian burrito in Spanish.

We were off to Kennedy Grove. I went into the one-person restroom and began purging in earnest.

"James?", La Netta called.

I came out. "Yes?"

"We're going back to the van."

"OK", I said, and went back into the restroom.

I heard a family with two children in the adjacent restroom. I came out and left for the van.

"Finished?", asked La Netta.

"No", I replied. I explained about the family.

"Then why don't you go back in so you can take your pills?"

"Is the family out?"

"I don't see a family", said Carl. "You could check."

I walked back in and continued purging until Carl came.

La Netta drove us all home, but she was too sick for a hug. I said good-bye as I entered my group home.

At 4:22, I finally finished off purging the txrxntulas and the phrase "inner cihld". I unzipped my ziploc bag and ate the burrito.

When oh when can I eat that Chinese food?

On Thursday our group consisted of Ken, Carl, Renée, Adam and yours truly. La Netta and Aziz were driving.

Renée was listening to rap, so I put my headphones on all the way to the office.

Once we got there, I asked La Netta, "Are we working on schedules now?"

La Netta got some stuff together ane I slept on the couch in the couch room. Then La Netta told me she was ready to work on schedules.

Renée was asking Lita for food. She ate a cup of ramen for about 30 minutes.

I suggested we go to Wal-mart. After I suggested Grocery Outlet, La Netta said we were going around, one person at a time.

"I'd like to perform an experiment on Adam", said Carl. "I'd like to see if a human can make it into space without a spacesuit!"

La Netta asked Carl for input, but he gave none.

"Adam", said Carl as he listened to the toy that played Christmas songs. "You suck! You've got zero talent! You should give it up!"

"Thank you, Simon Cowell!", I said.

"Carl, is there anywhere you want to go?", La Netta asked. "Ken, is there anywhere you want to go?"

No inpot from anyone but me.

"I'll be out in the Internet room", said Carl.

"First, do you have any input?", asked La Netta. "Because I don't want to make the schedule and then next week have you complain about the schedule next week."

Carl started bashing Adam again.

"This schedule is taking forever", I said.

"Well, that's because Carl keeps getting us sidetracked", said La Netta. She asked Carl about Taco Bell.

"We can't go to that one Taco Bell until September", said Carl.

"Why?", asked La Netta.

"Because of James."

"What did James do?"

"I used the restroom", I answered.

"You used it, or you did something else in there?"

"I purged", I replied.

I agreed to change Wal-mart to Smart & Final. Then I suggested a pet store.

At long last, we put a schedule together. I then retired to the couch room, lying on the couch.

Renée finished her ramen, and asked for a drink.

I felt sleepy on the couch. It was like snoozing. I had been awakened in the middle of my sleep that morning, so it was nice to be able to rest.

I just lay. For many minutes.

Then Aziz tapped me on the shoulder. "James", said Aziz, "We're ready to go."

I opened my eyes and saw the whole room. "Where am I?", I asked.

"You're at program", said Aziz. "In the office."

I checked the room around me to see what I had seen when my eyes popped open. There was the superhero puzzle! Dipser-man's picture appeared on the box four times.

La Netta gathered up Renée but Renée would not leave.

I left for the van. I put my headphones on before they turned the radio off. We were supposed to go to Alameda but instead La Netta changed the schedule to El Cerrito Plaza to change time.

Renée said Adam was bothering her.

"Here's the plan", said La Netta. "I'll take James and Adam; Aziz will take Carl and Renée. Ken, who do you want to go with?" La Netta explained that Renée had spoken ill of Adam and me so it would be best if we went with different coaches. "Where do you want to go, Renée?"

"I want to stay in the van", said Renée.

"There's no staying in the van", said La Netta. "Everyone's getting out."

La Netta took Adam, Ken and me into GNC, where she made her purchase. I bought an Ostrim. The employee saw my sandwich bag was torn, so he got me a GNC bag to place my sandwich bag into so the coins wouldn't fall out.

"Do you want Chinese food?", she asked me, and I replied in the affirmative. La Netta took me over to Chef's, where I bought chow mein, mixed vegetables with shromp and hot braised chicken.

Then we walked around the way to See's Chocolates. The lady there greeted us and got La Netta, Adam and me Bordeaux. She took La Netta's orders. Then I heard her say, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming on my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH!"

"That's OK, James, she didn't know", said La Netta.

"You said the WH-word! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"You're going to hurt yourself", said La Netta.

"I'm sorry", said the lady behind the counter.

"Why did you say it?", I asked the lady.

"Because I didn't know", she said.

"Because she didn't know", said La Netta.

"No. Why did you say it?" I asked.

"Because I forgot that gentleman down there who came in with you", said the lady. "I forgot to give him a chocolate."

"Ken?", said La Netta. "His name is Ken."

I put my Bordeaux in my GNC bag, unable to eat it now.

We then went back to the van, where we met up with Aziz and his group.

After I got into the van, Aziz turned the radio on. I asked Aziz if I had heard the C-word.

"No, it was a different word", said Aziz.

"No", asked Renée. "No one said a word."

"Oh, I forgot!", said Aziz. "Here's a list of words for you. I made a copy of James' word list." He gave Renée the list Lita had passed around when I gave a speech at the CIWP office in Richmond.

"You don't like 'bicycle'?", asked Renée.

"The short form of 'bicycle'," I said.

"What's the Y-word?"

"Rhymes with 'suck'."

"Here", said Aziz. "I can write them down for you if you can't tell what words they are. Just give me the list."

Renée handed Aziz her list.

Aziz wrote some notes. "Some of these I haven't figured out", he said.

At Miller's Knots, I purged in the restroom. I did "whxxps", then started on those Dipser-mans.

La Netta called me. She asked what was taking so long. I explained about the superhero puzzle in the couch room.

"There was no superhero puzzle in the couch room!", she said.

"Yes there was!", I said. "It said 'Dipser-man' on it!"

"Well, there wasn't his picture."

"Yes, there was."

"There was the puzzle you and Carl put together."

"The Ninja Turtles? That was in the conference room. I said couch room. Not conference room."

"OK, you don't have to be this way."

"It's just that you kept denying I saw the superhero puzzle."

"When you said 'couch room', I thought you meant the conference room."

In the van, I asked for Star 101.3. Commercials. I unplugged my ears just in time to hear "free shxpping and handling".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"James, James!", said La Netta. "What is up with you?"

"Didn't you hear the radio?"

"No."

When we got home, I asked La Netta if she had heard the commercial, and La Netta said she heard it but didn't hear any purge words. I told her it had said "free shxpping and handling".

I was purging off Dipser-man for hours, then did "shxpping", which was brief by comparison.

I hadn't taken the frok out of my Chinese food, so by the time I was able to eat it it was after 4:37. I took the silverware out and laid it on the counter.

The television was on, and I heard a character on TV being cycled around in the washing machine. It sounded as if he said "Whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps whxxps!" Without Carl or Claudette, there was no one to ask about it.

I spent about half an hour more purging off "whxxps"es. Then I was able to eat my Chinese food. Finally!

Meet Renée

Wednesday we had a new girl in our CIWP group, Renée Robinson. This Renée was African-American with red extensions in her hair, unlike the other Renée. KBLX was playing as I got into the van, at Renée's request. I didn't find out it was KBLX until they did a song ID -- they had just played Justin Timberlake's "Rock Your Body" and I was flabbergasted that KBLX would play that song.

We started out by going to Thriet Town. Once I got inside, Renée asked me what kind of music I liked.

"Alternative", I told her.

"What artists do you like?", she asked.

"I like Nirvana, Third Eye Blind, the Killers, Green Day . . ."

"The Killers?", Renée asked.

"You know who they are?", I asked.

"No."

"They do this song: Are we human, or are we dancers?/My signs are vital, my hands are cold/And I'm on my knees, looking for the answer/Are we human, or are we dancers?"

A commercial came on, and I plugged my ears.

"Does he have trouble seeing things?", Renée asked La Netta.

"James, why don't you explain to her", said La Netta.

"I have a condition called logaesthesia", I said. "When I see ceratin objects, I have to do a ritual called purging. So I don't see these things, I close my eyes. And I wear these sunglasses so people can't tell I have my eyes closed."

"What kind of things?"

"Plastic silverware, pajamdras . . ."

"You don't like plastic? That's weird."

"Plastic silverware."

"So you're covering your eyes. What don't you want to see here?"

"Pajamdras."

I asked La Netta if I had heard the T-word.

"No, James", La Netta said. "Why don't you tell her about your words?"

"Well, there's the WH-word", I said. "It rhymes with 'oops', and it means the same thing as 'oops'. Then there's the M-word. It rhymes with 'dress', and it means something that needs to be cleaned up, as in 'Your room is a blank'. And then there's the I-word. It rhymes with 'nice dream', and it's a frozen dessert made out of milk and sugar."

"What dessert is made out of milk and sugar?"

"It rhymes with 'nice dream'."

"I don't know what that is."

"They sell it at Baskin-Robbins and Cold Stone."

"You don't like ice xxxxx?"

"Blechhh! I hate it!"

"Why don't you like it?"

"Because it does the D-word."

"How old are you?"

"I'm 31?"

"Are you really 31?"

"Yes. I look younger, don't I?"

"You look 24. You're 31?"

"I was born in 1979."

"I was born in 1988."

"James, we're waiting here so you can use the restroom", La Netta said.

Renée asked me if I liked the hats, and I told her I wouldn't wear the one she showed me. She asked what kind of hat I liked, and I told her I liked hats with feathers or feather boas dangling from them.

The men's restroom opened. "You can go to the restroom now", La Netta said.

I went to the men's and purged off "ice xxxxx". Then I washed my hands and came out.

"So you listen to R&B?", I asked Renée.

"Yes", Renée replied.

"Who's your favorite singer?"

"Brandy?"

"As in 'The Boy Is Mine'?"

"What?"

"You know? 'The Boy Is Mine' by Brandy and Monica?"

"Oh, yeah."

"That's a good song", said La Netta.

We left Thriet Town and went to the International Market.

We looked at produce, then headed over to the canned fruit, where I picked out something called attap fruit. I had never heard of it before, but was willing to try it.

La Netta told me the first two check-outs were closed. When I walked up into a third, they closed a telephone cord across it. La Netta said that meant they were probably closing that one, but then she said they'd ring me up.

I paid for my attap fruit, and then we went to the San Pablo Library.

This gave me a good excuse for snoozing at the table with my sunglasses off. Renée, meanwhile, was filling out job applications on the Internet.

"Let me put this book back so we can go", said La Netta.

La Netta didn't go.

"I thought you said we were leaving", I said.

"I know", she said. "We're waiting for Renée to finish filling out that application."

Some more time passed.

"What are you thinking of?", she asked.

"Lee's Garden", I replied.

"Is that where you're going?"

"Yes."

We finally left. I followed Aziz, Carl, Ken and Renée to the van.

I didn't see La Netta, so I figured she had gone into Lee's Garden.

I walked towards Lee's Garden, and as I walked, Aziz asked, "Where're you going, James?"

"I'm going to Lee's Garden", I replied. "I figured La Netta was going there."

"La Netta went to the bathroom in the library. She told me to take you guys back to the van."

"Oh." I stood around for La Netta.

La Netta finally came out. After a while, we stepped into the van and said, "We're going to the office, James".

"Aren't you going to take me to Lee's Garden?", I asked.

"You didn't go while I was in the restroom?"

"I walked to Lee's Garden because I thought you were there, but Aziz called me back and told me you said for him to take us to the van."

"It's true", said Aziz.

"You want to take him?", asked La Netta. "Because I'm getting a headache."

"Sure", said Aziz.

Aziz walked me there. After I ordered chow mein, eggplant with tofu and Hunan chicken, he got something for himself.

I walked back to the van, and the others soon followed.

"I had to get something for myself", said Aziz. "It looked so good, I couldn't resist."

Aziz drove to the office. Then we drove to Davis Park for lunch.

The radio was off. I asked for Star 101.3.

Soon they were playing "People Are People" by Depeche Mode.

"Do you like Depeche Mode?", I asked Renée.

"Who are they?", asked Renée.

"That's the band that's playing now."

"I don't. I like R&B. Just like you don't like plastic, I don't like this music."

After some Katy Perry, Renée asked Aziz to turn the station to KMEL.

When the commercials came on, I put on my headphones. When the second gap game, the radio was on KMEL.

Soon I heard a rap song during a gap. I asked La Netta if it had the T-word in it.

"James", said La Netta.

"Did they sing the C-word?", I asked.

"I didn't hear the C-word. Why don't you take your ieadphones off so you can hear this song clearly?"

I turned off my headphones. I heard "gymshorts" and "crib" and "bang bang bang" and "turn it up".

We soon parked in front of the dollar store. La Netta went into the store. She told Renée to come along so she could tell her my words. Renée said she didn't want to hear about my words.

Aziz stayed in the van with Renée and me.

"Why don't you like plastic silverware?", she asked. "It's not like it's going to grow legs and punch out and hurt you or anything. So why are you so scared of it?"

"I'm not afraid of it, it just grosses me out", I said. "Like squashed snails."

"Plastic silverware's not gross. You're weird."

A little later . . . "Why don't you like ice xxxxx?", asked Renée.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"Ice xxxxx's good."

"It's gross!"

"What's gross about it?"

"It does the D-word."

I heard a man outside. Did he say "cutxe pie"?

"Did that man say 'C-word pie'?", I asked Aziz.

"What's that?", asked Renée.

"No, I don't see that anywhere", said Aziz.

"Do you know what the C-word is?", I asked.

"Yes, I know."

"Rhymes with 'beauty'?"

"Cutxe?", said Renée.

"Echhh!", I said.

"What's wrong with that word?"

"It tastes like phlegm!"

"You're weird", said Renée. "Aziz, can we have the radio on?"

"I don't know if I can handle that. I've been beaten up a lot already."

"I know, but I want some R&B", said Renée.

"I'm going to get outside of the van", I said.

"OK", said Aziz.

Just then, a white truck pulled into the parking place next to us.

"Watch out for the truck!", said Aziz.

"Don't worry", I said. "I see it."

It pulled it. I looked at its side, and saw pictures of different types of ice xxxxx.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"Oh, dear", said Aziz. "Well, if you close the van door I can drive around."

So close the van door I did.

We had soon driven around to a place where I could get out. I stood outside while rap played.

Eventually La Netta and the gang came back in. I got on and put on my headphones.

"GAP!", I shouted at each gap.

After the sixth song, La Netta said, "James, do you really have to say 'Gap'?"

"Yes, I do", I replied.

"Why?", she asked.

"First of all, you'll be sure to pay attention to what's on the radio. Second of all, you'll be extra careful about what to say. Third of all, if there's traffic, you'll know to turn it off."

"But we're always listening to what's on the radio", said La Netta.

They dropped off Ken and Carl, then they dropped me off.

They parked in front of my house, and I said good-bye to La Netta. When I got home, I rubble-cleared all the "I said"s and "I see"s and "nice"s, then I purged off all the ice xxxxx, then I purged off Renée's "ice xxxxx"s, then came "cutxe". Then I looked up the song and discovered it was an E-40 song and had no purge words in it. Then, I finally ate my Chinese food.

Shopping with Aziz and Carl

On Tuesday there was no La Netta. Just Aziz came, to pick up Ken, Carl and me.

While we were driving away from my house, a man tried to pull off on a bicycle. He had a piece of cloth hanging from the back of his bicycle.

"That ain't right", said Carl. As I heard him rambling on about it, I held my hands close to my ears, ready to squeeze them shut if Carl started to say "bi--".

I heard "bi--", and plugged my ears, but did I do it in time? Did I hear him say "bxke"?

"You said 'bicycle', right?", I asked Carl.

Carl sighed.

"Right, Carl?", I asked.

He sighed again.

"Oh, so you said the short form of 'bicycle'?"

"I did", said Carl.

"We're going to Berkeley Marina", said Aziz.

Aziz drove us over to Berkeley Marina. I picked my navel in the restroom there.

Then came Wal-mart. At Wal-mart I bought two citrus punch Tampicos and a bottle of grape juice. Aziz and Carl made their own purchases.

We got back into the van, and Aziz called for a snack break. He served a snack he had bought at Wal-mart. I didn't eat it.

Aziz asked, "Are you ready to go back to Hilltop Mall?"

"Not yet", replied Carl.

When Carl was ready, we walked through some other stores at Hilltop Mall. We walked into one clothing store that was playing rap.

"Do we have to go into a store that plays rap?", I asked.

"Wait", said Aziz. "This store wouldn't be good for you. Stand outside -- let me get Carl."

Aziz called Carl, then walked out to join me.

"Did I hear someone outside say the WH-word?", I asked Aziz.

"No", said Aziz. "It was a different word."

Then Aziz took us into another clothing store. I saw one red sweatshirt with dipsers and cobwxbs on it. "Ewwwwww!", I shrieked.

We were soon out of Hilltop Mall and found ourselves at the burrito truck. I ordered a tongue super burrito, while Carl got vegetarian.

Aziz drove us to Davis Park, where I purged. After I came out, I ate that delicious burrito as Carl ate his.

Aziz drove Carl and Ken home, and then drove me home, where he told me he had had a good day with me. I said good-bye to Aziz we carried the juices into my house.

Going home early!

On our way to the office Monday, I was groaning. La Netta asked me what was wrong, and I told her it was gas pains.

La Netta told me Lita was there at the office for me to speak with, and while she went to the restroom I went to the restroom too. I turned out to have diarrhea, so I flushed down some brown liquid, then washed my hands and came out.

"Did you speak to Lita?", La Netta asked me.

"No," I replied, "Because I was busy going to the bathroom. I had diarrhea."

"Then you should go home", La Netta said.

"Lita?", I called.

"Yes", said Lita. "Come in."

I walked into Lita's office.

"How are you?", she asked.

"Not well", I replied. "I have diarrhea."

"Oooh . . . do you need to go home?"

"La Netta said I should."

"There's a virus that's been going around. I had to stay home Thursday and Friday for the same reason."

"You got the bug?"

"Yes."

"So you wanted to talk about my blog?"

"Yes. And I wanted to apologize. You had told me earlier not to put you with Wanda and I forgot. What Wanda did is not OK."

I nodded.

"Making you show her your eyes? You shouldn't have to do that for her to let you listen to Star 101.3. And as you said, you were playing Captain Obvious. Star 101.3 is 101.3. You shouldn't have to tell her that."

"I nodded."

"As you said, she was saying 'nonsensical things'."

"That's right. Like claiming she wasn't listening to what Donna was saying?"

"Yes. And I did talk to Wanda and Donna already about being on their cellphones during program . . . although Donna denied she was on her cellphone. They should be talking with you guys!"

"Exactly!"

"So, I'm going to call Stan to tell him to take you home." Lita called Stan and left a message on his answering machine. Then she tried Pia.

"Once again, I'm sorry", Lita said.

"Apology accepted", I replied.

I told La Netta about how Lita had called Stan. She said we would wait until Stan got here, sitting in the office until then.

Eventually La Netta drove me home, with Stan saying he would be home at 10:30.

Then La Netta got a phone call. Stan said there had been "a flop", and he would be home around 11:00.

As we waited outside my house, I asked La Netta if she could call again at 11:15. She said she'd call again at 11:30.

She called at 11:30 and Stan said he'd be home at 11:45.

Then came 12:00, 12:15, 12:30, and 12:45. Still no Stan. La Netta called Maria up.

As La Netta was speaking to Maria, Stan drove in!

"Stan Man!", I said.

"Are you doing OK?", he asked.

"I just have diarrhea", I replied.

"So you're not really sick", he said.

"Well, Lita said I should stay home."

"She did?"

"She said there was a virus going around."

"I don't think you have the virus."

"Well, I told Lita I had diarrhea, and she drew the connection with the virus."

"I'm not going to let you stay at home tomorrow, because I'm going to be really busy with things to do. You don't have a virus, it's just that you drink juice. And you don't eat solid food. So of course you're going to get diarrhea."

I walked into my room, took my shoes and sunglasses off, and lay in my bed.

A little while later, Stan came in again. He told me that I had probably soiled myself from the diarrhea, so I should take a shower to get clean.

I went into the bathroom and did all my usual floor-cleaning rituals. Then I took a shower and got covered with water that wiped away the feces. When I came out, I changed into new clothes.

"You feel better now?", asked Stan Man.

"Yes, I do", I replied.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Kit-kat!

On Thursday, La Netta suggested that I write about more good days, such as Thursday. So here I am.

A few weeks ago, I was telling La Netta and Carl about a dream I had had. I was lying on my bed in this dream, with two kittens, a grey one to my left and a yellow one to my right. I named the grey one Ro-ro, whereas the yellow one . . . dien't have a name.

"Grey symbolizes the night, and yellow symbolizes the morning", said Carl. "The night is your past, and the morning is your future. Ro-ro is part of your past."

"And since I didn't name the yellow one, that means I don't know what's in my future?", I asked.

Thursday we stopped by the burrito truck, where Carl got a vegetarian burrito and I got tongue. I then asked La Netta if we could go to the part of Pinole Valley Park with the portable instead of the main park.

"Wiat's up?", asked La Netta.

"I don't want to hear all the children at the part talking while I'm trying to eat my burrito."

"Ha! I knew it!", said Carl. "James really hates children!"

"I'll see", said La Netta.

La Netta drove around until we got to the secluded part of the park with the portable.

"Thanks, La Netta", I said.

"You're welcome", said La Netta.

I ate my burrito while Carl ate his. We all finished our meals, then we watched some other women who had brought their cat along. They were putting the cat up for adoption.

"Kit-kat!", I said, Rovaughn-style.

"Would you like a cat like that?", asked La Netta.

"Maybe I could name it Ro-ro!", I said. Ro-ro, or Rovaughn Whitfield, would say "Kit-kat!" whenever he was thinking about cats.

"You better check its genitals first", said Carl. "Every cat has 'em."

"So you're saying I should only name it Ro-ro if it's a he?"

"There are lots of female celebrities with male names", said Carl.

"Like Blake Lively?", I said.

"There's one."

I brought up the dream again in which I had named the grey cat Ro-ro.

"Did you see the cat?", asked La Netta.

I viewed it as it walked by.

"It's grey!", I said.

We took a walk around the grass. La Netta could tell by the look on my face that something was bothering me. She asked me everything that was on my mind.

After a long talk with La Netta, we got back into the van.

Then Carl said he needed to go, and there was no way he could use the portable. He asked La Netta to drive around to the main park.

La Netta drove around and Carl went. We then drove home.

What a wonderful day. Everyone loved watching that cat do its feline things in the park. It crouched for birds, mice, and perhaps, La Netta said, a lizard. It pranced around with its tail up. And it reminded us all of Rovaughn and his resounding "Kit-kat!"

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Waiting for Lita

Today we were driving from Miller's Knots when The Light finished playing its song. The DJ spoke, and said, "They're travelling axx oxxx the pxxxx!"

My mouth was by now full oe saliva, so I just let out an "Mmmmph!" when they said it.

We stopped in front of La Netta's parents' house, where La Netta told us she'd leave her father to speak with us.

"So you'll be having a séance?", asked Carl.

"What did you say, Carl?", asked La Netta.

"So you'll be having a séance?"

"So we'll be having silence?"

"Mmm-mmmm", I said, trying to translate Carl for La Netta.

"Carl, let James get out and spit."

Out came a huge stream of saliva. Then I walked up to La Netta and told her, "He says we'll be having a séance".

"What do you mean?", asked La Netta.

"Isn't your father dead?", asked Carl.

"No, he's still alive."

Her father came out.

"What's your name?", asked La Netta's father.

"They call me Ice", said Carl.

"Ice? Glad to see you, James. How are you doing?"

"I'm sleepy", I replied.

Carl and I talked for about five more minutes with her father. Then La Netta came back.

"Are you getting anything from Wal-mart?", La Netta asked me.

"Probably", I said. I told her I wanted to look at the candy, while Carl said he wanted to look at clothes.

We walked into Wal-mart. We started out at the candy section, where I found a bag of Gimbal's jelly beans. I placed those in my basket and announced I was einished shopping.

Carl was going into the restroom while La Netta waited outside for him.

"I'd like to go to the restroom too", La Netta said.

"You're going in there to purge, and we can't wait on you for that", La Netta said. "This is not the place to be purging."

I kept the "axx oxxx the pxxxx" inside of me as Carl looked at clothes. La Netta told me not to look to my left. I avoided the left side and looked towards the right side.

Then, we were finally ready to leave. I paid for my jelly beans and we left for the van.

We sat parked. Carl suggested places at Hilltop Mall that we could go next, but one clothing store had all the men's places upstairs, and Carl was afraid of heights. Then he suggested another clothing store where the men's section turned out to be upstairs.

I saw something dark brown and small floating in the air in the middle row. "Is that a dipser?", I asked.

"Where?", asked Carl.

"In the middle row", I said.

"Where in the middle row?"

"To your left."

"Here?"

"No. More in front."

"I don't see it."

"Oh! Now it's moving towards me!" I took my seatbelt off.

"Where is it?"

"There", I said, pointing.

Carl looked at La Netta's seat.

"To your left", I said.

Carl continued to fail to find it.

I put my nail much closer to it. "There", I said.

"Aw! Now I see it!", said Carl.

Carl got his money book and -- WHAP! -- on the ceiling.

"I don't like dipsers either", he said.

"It's dead?", I asked.

"It is", said Carl. "Sorry it took so long for me to see it. You're a good navigator, but I'm terrible at following directions."

We waited a little while longer.

"There's good news and there's bad news", said Carl. "The good news is the dipser is almost certainly dead. The bad news is I have a terrible record at killing things. It usually takes me seven or eight times."

La Netta got a call on her office pager. It was Lita.

I plogged my ears and La Netta asked whether I heard Lita. I told her I had my ears plugged.

Lita spoke again, and I said I could barely hear it.

"She asked whether you're going to meet her at Davis Park", said La Netta.

"She wants me to meet her at Davis Park?", I asked.

"Yes."

La Netta put it on speakerphone.

Lita said, "James, how does that sound?"

"Lita's going to meet me at Davis Park?", I asked.

"Yes", said Lita.

"All right. Good-bye."

"Good-bye."

La Netta turned the pager off. "What did you write?", she asked.

"You mean in my blog?", I ascertained.

"Yes."

"It must have been the entry about Wanea."

We went into JC Penney, where they looked at shoes. Then we all walked out and picked up lunch.

La Netta took us into Taco Bell, where I could purge in the restroom while the others got lunch. I did some rubble-clearing, then was ready to purge off "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

We then drove over to Davis Park. We didn't see Lita there.

"Do you love yourself, Carl?", asked La Netta.

"No", said Carl.

"Do you love yourself, James?"

"No", I replied.

"Why not?"

"Do I have to tell you?"

"No, you don't. Is it about your sexuality, why you don't love yourself?"

"No, it isn't."

La Netta told a story about a man who was killed for walking inside a gay bar in San Francisco.

Lita still hadn't arrived. La Netta called the office and learned that Lita was "on her way".

I told La Netta I needed to go to the restroom.

"There are restrooms here."

"I need to defecate", I said.

"Why can't you do that here?"

"I can't use their toilet paper."

"Why not?"

"It's on a rectangular dispenser."

"Oh, then you can't use it", said Carl. "Those are bad."

"How about I get some paper towels from the van?", said La Netta.

"Tiat'll work", I said.

"That won't work", said Carl. "Those don't flosh."

La Netta got some paper towels and I carried them with me. I defecated, let out an "Ahhhh!", and wiped. Then I flushed.

We left with no Lita in sight. Just as we were leaving, we heard two gunshots.

La Netta called the office at 1:37, in our van. Lita apologized, and said she couldn't make it.

She said she'd meet me in the office tomorrow.

I hate sore throats

On Tuesday morning, I walked into the van. La Netta asked me how I was doing, and I stuck my thumb up.

"Good", La Netta said.

My mouth filled up with saliva as we got to the office. When we reached the office, I spat it all out in the tanbark, then I asked La Netta whether the radio had said the P & A words or the P & O words.

"No, they didn't", said La Netta. "What's got you so tensed up about the words this early in the morning."

I shrugged my shoulders and uttered a noncommittal three syllables.

We walked into the office. Carl and I both used the men's room, while La Netta used the women's room.

We came out and parked in front of Barnes & Noble.

After a lengthy conversation about a woman La Netta saw with her pants sagging down exposing her panties, La Netta asked me what was wrong.

I told her I had seen the word "cutxe" online that morning. Since it was on a PDF file, my Greasemonkey filter didn't catch it.

"Ah-ha!", said La Netta. "I knew something was wrong."

La Netta told us we would pick up Ken at 11:00. Then we walked into Barnes & Noble.

La Netta asked us where I wanted to go. I told her I didn't want to go anywhere in particular. So she looked at the books in front of the store with Carl.

"How do you feel?", La Netta asked me.

"I feel sick", I said.

"If you feel sick, then maybe you should stay home."

"It's just a sore throat."

"It's just a sore throat to you, but to us it's something else."

Carl noticed a Led Zeppelin book. "Hellooooooo, Led Zeppelin!", he said.

"James", said La Netta, "Do you want to go to the restroom and spit that out?"

"Yes", I replied.

"OK. Then can you find your way?"

I walked down with my eyes cupped.

"Can you uncup your eyes and look?", she asked.

"I can't", I replied. "It's too dangerous."

"OK, then we should leave. Do you know the way out?"

I walked right out of the store, and they followed.

"Are we going to Lucky's now?", I asked.

"I don't know", said La Netta. "What makes you think that if you can't uncup your eyes in Barnes & Noble you can uncop your eyes at Lucky's?"

"Because I want to go to Lucky's", I said. "I really need those juices."

"So your peers go where you want to go, but you can't go where your peers want to go? You did this last week?"

"What did I do last week?"

"You did this at Falas . . . Fallas Paredes. Carl wanted to look, but you were complaining about how much you were sueeering. And Carl was really enjoying yourself here?"

"Then we can go back in."

"No, we can't", said La Netta. "We're out."

"Carl, I didn't realize how much you were enjoying this", I said.

"I just learned that it's best not to argue", Carl said.

"With me or with La Netta?"

"With La Netta."

"La Netta, Carl said that we wasn't enjoying it, but it's best not to argue with La Netta."

"That's what I said", said Carl.

"Tell the truth, Carl: did you want to go into Barnes & Noble?"

"Not really, no."

"Tell the truth, Carl", said La Netta. "Do you want to go to Lucky's?"

"Not really, no", said Carl.

We went into Lucky's anyway, where I got my two Tampicos. I saw them without cupping my eyes, and walked down the aisle. Then I carried them back.

La Netta told me to find a lane. I went to the first lane I found, but La Netta told me it was empty.

"Look for a lane that has a light on", she said.

I looked for lights, then La Netta said, "Why don't we go to this one?"

I followed La Netta, and paid for my juices.

"Blechhh!", I suddenly said.

"What happened?", asked La Netta.

"Didn't you hear him saying the I-word?"

"I didn't hear the I-word."

We were soon oot of there. La Netta got a call, and started a drive to the office to pick up Ken.

"Thanks for taking me to Lucky's, La Netta", I said.

"M-hm", La Netta replied.

We were in front of the office, where Stan Man would drop off Ken. "If you need to go to the restroom, do what you need to do", La Netta told me.

"I don't need to go", I said.

Just then, the radio finished a song and the DJ began speaking. "They're travelling axx oxxx the pxxxx", he said.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Go use it", La Netta said.

I went to the restroom and purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx" quickly. I also got a whole bunch of saliva out of my mouth.

Our next trip was to Taco Bell, where I picked up a soft-shell taco, a Crunch Wrap Supreme and a cheesy beefy burrito. It cost me less than $5.

Then La Netta picked up lunch for herself at Grocery Outlet. While we were there, I got a six-pack of Reese's eggs. I also accidentally saw a rack of movies we walked by and had to check to make sure I didn't see Dipser-man or Winnxe the Pooh.

I perused each title. There were no Dipsey or Pooh movies, but there was one called Police Bxke.

At Miller's Knots, I picked the word "bxke" out of my navel. Then I slid the wooden restroom door back open and came out. I walked towards the van, but La Netta said it was too hot to sit in the van.

So I talked with La Netta about Andrew Weill. Carl also joined in. Eventually, we were ready to leave.

I walked into my house and got full of Taco Bell.