Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The shortest route to a woman's heart

Today, I appeared at program wearing eresh new clothes and having clean hair.

"Your hair looks nice, James", said La Netta.

"You like my hair?", I asked.


La Netta announced that today was a minimum day, meaning we would be dropped off at noon.

"James, how do you attract a man?", asked Carl.

"A straight man, a gay man or a bi man?", I asked.

"An average man."

"With meat? Chicken, beef, steak, pork, lamb."

"You're on the right track . . . feed him. And how do you attract a woman?"

"Give her chocolates?"

"Get between her legs. The shortest route to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the shortest route to a woman's heart is through her loins."

"What did you say, Carl?", asked La Netta.

"He said, 'The shortest route to a man's heart is through his stomach, and the shortest route to a woman's heart is through her loins'," I repeated.

"Loins? Is that like her privates?"

"Yes," said Carl.

"So 'loin' means 'groin'?", I asked.

"Yeah. 'Groin' is such an ugly word. 'Loins' sounds better than 'groin' or 'genitalia' or 'private parts'."

"It does", said La Netta. "Is that a real word?"

"I've seen it before", I said, "So it must be. And then there are loincloths."


"Do you know what a loincloth is?"


"It's that thing that cavemen wore . . . it's made of animal skins and they wrapped it around their waist . . ."


La Netta decided that she'd skip Radioshack and Big Five and go to those places on Friday instead. Today we'd go to the office so she could use the restroom.

La Netta went into the restroom, as did Carl and then I. Eventually we were all out and we were off to get lunch.

Carl and Ken got their burritos at Tapatios, then La Netta drove to Grocery Outlet.

At Grocery Outlet, La Netta ran into someone she knew. Her friend asked La Netta to say hi to her mother for her. Right after that, I heard someone say "ice xxxxx".

"Blechhh!", I said.

La Netta didn't find what she was looking for, so we all left.

"La Netta, who said the I-word?", I asked.

La Netta said it wasn't her friend who had said the I-word. Instead of going to Davis Park, we would be going straight home.

After we stopped, I heard Ken say either "whxxps" or "oops".

"Did Ken say the WH-word?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes, he did", said La Netta.

"No, I didn't", said Ken.

"Yes, you did", said La Netta.

"D'OH!", I slammed myself on the forehead. "D'OH! D'OH!"

"How many times do you have to do that?", asked La Netta.

"Until I get it right. I only have to do it one time, but it has to be in the middle of my head."

At 11:53, La Netta let us out. We stood and waited around for Stan.

"Hey Ken, what time is it?", Carl asked.

"It's . . .", said Ken. He looked at his watch. "It's noon."

I looked at Ken's watch. "It's 12:01", I said.

"Then Stan should be here any minute", said Carl.

Finally Stan Man arrived. He let us in the house, where I turned on my white sound machine and started purging "ice xxxxx" off in the bathroom. Then Stan knocked and said we were taking a drive.

Shortly after I got in the van, Stan said "bxkes" in his cellphone call. I picked my navel in my seat until I got it out.

When he got us back home, I purged off "ice xxxxx" and then "whxxps". It felt great to be empty again.

Oh no! Traffic!

At 6:24 a.m. on Tuesday I thought I'd try my caramel syrup by mixing a drink. I walked out to the kitchen with my syrup bottle when I heard words coming from the television in Carl and Jason's room. One of them sounded like "race", but may have been "mxss".

I thought I'd make sure it wasn't traffic, then I'd get back to my syrup. When I walked towards the room, I opened the door. There was something about a fire. It sounded like news. But fire could be connected to traffic, right? I decided I had to listen a little longer.

Then they said the word "traffic". Oh no! It was traffic!

I came out of my room two more times. Each time I checked, and they were still doing traffic! The television must be turned to the traffic feature!

Maybe if I called Carl's name, he would turn it off.

I opened his door. "Carl?", I said. Carl didn't respond.

"Why are you going into their room?", asked Santina.

I walked out to the main room. I turned on the light and saw that the time on both the portable phone and the stove was 6:32.

"Why are you walking around here?", asked Santina angrily.

"I just needed to make sure Carl wasn't watching traffic," I replied.

"No one's watching traffic!", said Santina.

"It sounded like traffic to me!"

"Well, maybe Carl wants to watch traffic!"

I was brokenhearted. I walked into my room and purged, purged, purged off the M-word. "Madoless," I chanted. "Madoless. Madoless, madoless, madoless."

An hour later, I was still purging.

I finally finished shortly before La Netta got here.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

In her pajamdras again

On Friday morning, I heard a radio from Carl's room. People were talking.

I walked out and approached his room. "The radio's on for a reason", said Santina. "Carl likes to wake up to music, so come on."

"Let me do things at my own pace", I said.

I ierked my body around as I got back in my room. I went to my boom box and turned on Pink's Funhouse.

Shortly afterwards, Santina knocked and told me La Netta was here.

I walked outside. I walked into the van. Then I looked as Carl went back in the house.

"What the hell are you doing, Carl?", asked Santina.

I saw Santina. Was she wearing pajamdras? I only saw her at a distance, so I wasn't sure.

Carl finally got in the van.

"Carl, was Santina wearing her pajamdras?", I asked.

"I'd be the wrong person to ask", said Carl.

"You're not the kind of person who notices that sort of thing?"

"It's just that I think you can't handle the answer."

"So what you're saying is the answer is what I don't want to hear, which is that Santina was in her pajamdras?"

"Smart boy."

"She was in her pajamdras? Ewwww."

"Does she ever wear anything else?"

"Well, sometimes she wears sweatpants."

"She wears them because she's lazy."

We soon reached our first program site, Vincent Park. "Do you need you use the restroom, James?", asked La Netta.

"I don't", I said.

"Santina was in her nightclothes."

"You saw her?"


"Her SpongeBob pajamdras?"


I went out and walked into the restroom. When I had finished purging them off, I came out.

La Netta turned the station to Wild 94.9, and flipped between that and Movin' 99.7 throughout the course of the day.

While we were driving to Home Depot, the DJ was talking and said, "Jeremiah is a cutxe".

"Echhhhhh!", I said.

Shortly afterwards, we stopped at Home Depot. "How would your Jeremiah react to being called the C-word?", I asked La Netta.

"Well, I haven't heard that he's got girls after him, but he is a very handsome boy", La Netta said.

We walked into Home Depot, and after Carl got impatient to leave, entered K-mart.

"What's on your mind?", La Netta asked me while we were in K-mart.

"I was thinking about Unico", I told her. "Have I told you about Unico before?"


"It's an anime movie about a unicorn named Unico. He visits people and creatures around the world, where he's summoned by the North Wind. He hlps people get what they need."

I continued talking about Unico with La Netta, walking behind Ken. Then Ken backed up into me and my sunglasses flew up.

"Whxxps!", said Ken.

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"Don't you want to pick your sunglasses up?", asked La Netta.

"I do", I said. I kept trying to slam my forehead just right. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!"

"That's all right, Ken", said La Netta.

I finally picked my sunglasses up. I followed La Netta around the store for several more aisles.

I breathed heavily.

"What's wrong, James?", asked La Netta.

"Nothing's wrong", I said. "I was just thinking about things."

"What were you thinking about?"

"I noticed that K-mart doesn't have as much of that Dipser-man and Winnxe the Pooh crap as Wal-mart and Target."

"I've never noticed that", said La Netta.

The people who had bought products at K-mart paid for their stuff, and then we left to get lunch.

Soon we were at Kennedy Grove. I got out and went to the restroom. First I did "cutxe", then I got to Ken's "whxxps".

Finally I was back in the van. Carl was drawing pictures on paper napkins from fast food restaurants and showing them to me. Then I had to figure out his code.

"So how was you guys' week?", La Netta asked us. "James, you first."

"Well", I said. "I didn't hear very many purge words this week, and on some days I didn't hear any, so it was less stressful than the previous weeks."

"That was good."

"But I was sad about Lamesha being sick. I prayed for her."

"I prayed for her too", said La Netta. "And I prayed that you wouldn't be so tensed up over her. Did it work?"

"It did."

"That's good."

After Ken and Carl summarized their weeks, La Netta began the drive to Ken's house.

When I asked La Netta for an end-of-the-week hug, she said, "Can I give you one on Friday?", and told me her back was really tense.

"All right", I said, walking into the house with no hug.

Blockbuster clearance sale

This Wednesday was another Blockbuster day. I remember Ken saying "axx oxxx the pxxxx" as we walked to Blockbuster Video. I growled, and Ken apologized.

In Blockbuster, the shelves had a lot of empty space. All the movies were being bought by visitors for the close-out sale.

I accidentally found the candy section. I picked out some Mike & Ike candies from a flavor called Italian Ice. It was under a dollar, what with the clearance sale.

The group spent a lot of time picking up movies and DVD's and buying them. As I waited my turn in line (people were paying for a lot of movies) the song "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" came up on the Intercom. I plugged my ears for when the word "shxky" came up. Then I heard what sounded like "shxky" after unplugging my ears. Maybe the song repeats it?

I finally bought my Italian ice and was out the door.

The group hit Davis Park for lunch. When we reached Davis Park, I went to the restroom and walked into the stall. After unbuttoning my pants, I did all the "all"s from the songs and movie titles, then all the "over"s, then all the "place"s.

Then I purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx": "Adolall adolover the pladolace . . ."

Finally, I did some "shadolaky". I had thought of "shxky hand" and "shxkily" as I waited to use the restroom, and was now purging off "shadolakily, shadolaky-ly, shadolaky" before carving into the big enchilada. I tasted milk as I purged.

Then I finished and was relieved. I could finally take my pill.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

King of the hippies

On Friday, Carl didn't come. "This is how our schedule gets changed", La Netta said. She also told me I'd have to choose only two out of Wet Pets, Raley's and Walgreen's.

I decided I would skip Raley's. I had requested both Wet Pets and Walgreen's, but Raley's was La Netta's idea for when she needed something to fill up Friday.

La Netta told me we would stay in the CIWP office until Carl got here.

"Can we work on the schedules while we're in the office?", I asked her.

"Sure; that's what we should do", said La Netta.

After we both used the restroom, La Netta and I sat down in the conference room together and started with Monday.

"I'd like to go to the Grocery Outlet in Pinole on Monday", I said.

"Does it have to be Monday?", asked La Netta. "Because we schedule our days around parks. On Monday, we have Miller's Knots -- point Richmond, so I'd like to do something around the Richmond area. Can Grocery Outlet wait until Thursday or Friday?"

"I want to get Tampicos on Monday", I told La Netta.

"Well, lots of places have Tampicos. They have them at Lucky's . . . what's the price difference on Tampicos among the different places?"

"I think they all cost the same."

"Then do you want to go to Lucky's?"


While we were working on Tuesday, Carl burst into the room.

We came up with an El Cerrito Plaza schedule for Tuesday, with See's Chocolate and Barnes & Noble.

"When can we leave?", asked Carl.

"As soon as we're finished with the schedule", said La Netta.

We settled on Blockbuster Video for Wednesday. Then, after Thursday and Friday were finished, La Netta, Carl, Ken and I made a copy and left the office.

Our first stop was Raley's. Carl kept complaining about the rain. He asked why La Netta couldn't've parked closer to Wet Pets.

We walked into Raley's, where I told La Netta I wasn't buying lasagna this time because of my budget squeeze. Then we walked into Wet Pets next door, where their rabbits were 30% off, presumably for Easter. Wet Pets began closing as we were inside.

Then came Walgreen's.

"What are you looking for in Walgreen's?", Carl asked me.

"Easter eggs", I replied.

"That's what I thought."

I saw a cookie shaped like SpongeBob . . . and a cookie shaped like Winnxe the Pooh. Gross! Now I would have to purge!

I found two bags of Gimbal's gourmet jelly beans for $5 a pair. Cheaper by the pair (they were $2.99 individually), they found a spot in my shopping basket.

Then came two Russell Stover pecan eggs. I selected them even though they were labeled 99 cents and La Netta didn't know whether that meant 99 cents a pair or 99 cents each.

La Netta and I went up to the cash register with my eggs and jelly beans. I paid for them, then La Netta drove over to Jack-in-the-box.

We all got inside. "You're first, James", said La Netta.

"We're at Jack-in-the-box?", I asked.


I ordered a teriyaki chicken bowl. I paid them with a $10 bill and they gave me five ones back.

La Netta made sure I was turning over my money right, then I put everything in my sandwich bag. Carl ordered his food.

As soon as everyone had our lunches, we left out for Kennedy Grove.

I got out to spit. It was still raining. After I spat, I stayed outside.

La Netta revved up the engine. I stayee there.

"James!", La Netta said.

I climbed back into the van.

"Is something wrong?", La Netta asked.

"Oh, no", I said.

"He's a hippie!", said Carl. "I tell you, James is the king of the hippies! He's at one with nature!"

Then we stopped at the dollar store. Carl then told La Netta he wanted to stop by Big Five. When she let him out, however, he went into Hometown Buffet instead.

"That's Hometown Buffet!", said La Netta. "Did you see the sign?"

Finally, La Netta dropped Ken off. Then she dropped off Carl and me at our wonderful group home. I purgee off Winnxe the Pooh and ate my chicken teriyaki.

The I-word accumulates

On Wednesday morning, we were listening to The Light. When a song finished, the DJ started talking about how to deal with a cough.

Uh-oh, I thought, the DJ might say "t-ngle". I plugged my ears and chanted a tune.

The DJ was still talking. "I'm afraid I'm going to hear the word that rhymes with 'single'," I told La Netta.

Just then the DJ finished. A commercial began. "An ice xxxxx shop can make a child very happy . . ."

"Blechhh!", I said. La Netta turned it off.

We stayed at a park. There were no restrooms in sight.

"Are there any restrooms around?", I asked La Netta.

"No", La Netta replied.

After a long time at the park, I asked La Netta when I'd be able to use the restroom.

"You'll probably be using it at Davis Park", she said.

She drove us over to the 99-cent store. I looked at the Easter eggs, but didn't buy anything. While I was there, I saw five occurrences of the word "cream" on the COCONUT CREAM EGG box labels.

Carl said, "I have to be nice to Rodney".

Then Carl told me he had something to show me. I tried to make my way around, but bumped into La Netta.

Then I walked around the other way.

"Just bring it to James", La Netta said.

"Just follow me", Carl said. I followed Carl some more.

I turned to my left and I turned to my right. I bumped into shelves.

Finally Carl pointed to what he wanted to show me. "Lunch meat", he said.

I looked at the lunch meat, but didn't find anything I wanted. I was soon following Carl all the way back around.

"They have mushrooms here", said La Netta, pointing to some portobellos. I looked at them, then put them back.

"You can go first", La Netta told me when we reached the check-out.

I pointed to my basket. "See?", I asked.

"Oh!", said La Netta. "You didn't get anything! That's right!"

La Netta took us for a long drive. "When will I get to purge?"

"Not until you get to Davis Park", La Netta said. "All I can do till then is keep the radio off."

"I see myself in Europe in five years", Carl said. Now I had an "I see" and a "myself" to purge off before getting to "ice xxxxx".

Carl also said it was "pricey" at Taco Bell, and that their "prices" are high. Several "price"s to rubble-clear.

We reached Lee's Garden. I stood in line and heard "rice" eight times and "spicy" three times. Finally I got up, and ordered chow mein, Hunan chicken and Mongolian beef.

I paid for my order, then it came Ken's turn. My buddy Ken wanted chicken legs, but he had to wait for them to be carried out.

As I sat in the chair with my Chinese food, I asked La Netta about words. "Did that little kid say the I-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No, James", said La Netta.

A little later . . .

"Did they say the I-word?", I asked.

"No, they didn't", said La Netta.

"They said, 'ask him'?"


They finally got Ken's chicken, and Ken was happy.

"What if we go to Davis Park, and there are children there?", I asked La Netta. "Then you won't let me use the restroom!"

"What point are you trying to make?", asked La Netta.

"I'm expressing my worry that I might not be able to purge."

As I walked outside, I saw the word "ice" on a chalkboard sign.

Then it came time for Carl's lunch. La Netta stopped at Jack-in-the-box and Carl bought a bargain meal.

Finally, we made it to Davis Park. "You're in luck", said Carl. "This place is deserted."

I went into the restroom. Out came the "I see"s. Out came the "my sense"s. Out came the "myself"s. Out came the "cream"s. Out came the "price"s. Out came the "rice"s. Out came the "spicy"s. Out came the "nice"s. Out came the "ice" on the sign.

Carl came in and asked me how much longer I'd be.

"About twenty more minutes", I said.

"OK", said Carl. "I'll use the women's restroom. No, on second thought . . . O'll just wait."

I tried to get to the original "ice xxxxx", but it was hard when I had to keep one ear out for additional /ais/'s from the conversation outside. By now, La Netta was speaking with someone.

Finally, the last "adolice cradoleam" was chanted. I zipped up.

"What took you so long?", asked La Netta.

"Well, I heard a lot of 'ice's during the time I was holding it in", I replied. "I heard 'rice' . . . "

"That mailman came out of the restroom, and he was very offended."

A little while later, Ken said, "He was riding his bxke. He had his bxke stolen, but . . . "

I climbed out to use the restroom.

"Ken", said Carl. "Say 'bicycle'."

I went into the restroom a second time and picked my navel. Shortly after I came out, we were ready to do drops.

At 2:13 I was dropped home with Santina waiting outside. I asked La Netta for a hug, but she said the street-sweeper was here. She left me with my Chinese food and red bag.

While I held my red bag, I heard Santina listening to her iPod. I plugged my ears. It was Carl's job to listen out for conversation. He told me the neighbors were speaking Spanish.

When I unplugged my ears, I heard Santina singing, "T-ngling too". Was she singing "Sleigh Ride"?

I asked Santina, and she said she was singing a song about bells. When I asked her if it had the word that rhymed with "single", she said "I don't think so".

We could finally enter the house, and I asked Santina what the title and artist of the bell song were. She said she didn't know, as it was on a mix CD. Now I would have to purge off "t-ngling"! Grrrrrrrrr!

After purging, I ate my Chinese food.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The day Wanda was a clumsy ox

Today when I went to CIWP I discovered Wanda was picking us up instead of La Netta. The radio was turned to Wanda's favorite station, KBLX.

"Did they say the C-word?", I asked Carl.

"I can't hear it, it's down low", Carl said. Carl asked Wanda to turn it up, and she turned it up some.

The song finished with what sounded like another "cutxe", but Carl said he couldn't tell. Luckily, I had written some of the lyrics down.

We were at Refugio Park when I heard what sounded like a "Whxxps!"

"Did Ken say the WH-word?", I asked Carl.

"Ken didn't say it", Carl replied.

"What did he say?"

"Ken didn't say anything. Wanda said it after she dropped her chicken."

"Did you say the WH-word, Wanda?"

"No", Wanda replied.

"What did you say then?"

"I didn't say nothing!"

"Yes you did", said Carl. "You dropped your chicken and you said it. You can't remember what you said only a few seconds ago?!?"

Wanda turned off the radio and started to make a phone call, so I put my headphones on.

When I took them off, Wanda was still on her cellphone!

As she talked, she said "have them shxpped to Japan".

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

Wanda finished the phone call.

"Wanda?", I said.

"Yes?", said Wanda.

"When are we going to Trader Joe's?"

"We're not going to Trader Joe's today!"

"But it was on the schedule for Monday!"

"I'm not following Monday's schedule because I didn't see it posted this morning. So I'm using Friday's schedule."

Great. We would miss Trader Joe's, CVS and Barnes & Noble.

Wanda drove us to the 99-cent store. She started by going to the restroom. I asked Carl for words, then the two of us decided to visit the restroom together.

I went into the men's. I started to purge off "shxpped". While I was purging Wanda came in and said, "Let's go, James!"

I finished picking "shxpped" out of my navel and then urinated in the toilet. I flushed and was out the door.

I asked where the Easter eggs were, and Carl led me into the candy aisle.

"Carl!", shouted Wanda. "The eggs are over here!"

After several false leads, we finally found eggs and bunnies. I selected two coconut cream eggs.

"Don't you want to get something for Jolene?", asked Wanda.

"I'll think about it", I said.

"Here's something", said Carl. He brought to me a very nice candy rose.

"I'll get this", I said, "Thanks Carl." I then placed the rose in my basket.

After paying for my eggs and rose, I left the 99-cent store and we were off to Taco Bell.

Carl and I walked in together. Carl listened out for words for me. I ordered a soft-shell taco, a Crunch Wrap Supreme and a chicken chalupa.

After ordering, I was back in the van.

"Aren't you going to get your seatbelt on, please?", asked Wanda.

"NO!", I said.

"What? You don't wear a seatbelt?"

"First of all, you said 'please', so now I'm not going to put it on."


"And second of all, we're not even leaving off yet. I was going to put it on after Carl got back."


Carl got back, and as soon as all of us (Wanda, Carl, Ken, yours truly) were in the van, Wanda drove off to Kennedy Grove.

I went out and ducked onder the bar to use the restroom. I purged off Wanda's "whxxps" and the two "cutxe"s from the song. I washed my hands.

I then came back out. Wanda handed Carl my pills, and Carl handed the pills to me.

"When you've taken both your pills, I have a question and a riddle for you", said Carl.

I took my pills.

"OK", said Carl. "Who does the song 'It Never Rains in Southern California'."

"Tony! Toni! Toné!", I replied.

"Really? Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"I was thinking of making a band like that."

"Corey Corey Corey?"


"And here's a riddle. I don't know the answer. Let's see if you can answer it. I was born into a different body. When I was placed in this body, I was told that I had to kill someone in this body or the world would come to and end. Now I didn't kill them, and time and space are unravelling. What do I eo?"


"Yep. I don't know either. If either of us knew . . . there are people I was supposed to kill."

"Like Nick and Tully?"

"No. My hits are political hits. Remember Bush, Jr. and Bush, Sr.? I was supposed to kill them before they became president. I didn't do that, and now it's too late. I was also supposed to kill John McCain before the 2008 election. But I'm not a killer."

"You don't sing, 'Are we human, or are we dancers?'"

"I don't." Carl laughed. "Hey, I just got that one! I just got it! That's fonny!"

I began biting my hand passionately about ten minutes later. "I really, really hate the WH-word", I said.

"Why? Just because I said it?", asked Wanda. "You don't trip on it when other people say words."

"Oh, I have an especial hate for the WH-word. Like one day I was thinking about a time my dentist said the WH-word and got really angry."

"OK, whatever, James."

"It's not just you," said Carl. "James does. I know him."

"OK, whatever."

Wanda started another phone call. She said "caught up in this mxss".

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"Use the restroom", said Carl, opening the door for me.

"I said a word", I heard Wanda saying to her interloccutor as I stepped outside.

I ducked under the bar again and purged off the M-word. Then I ducked a fourth time and we were back to the van.

Wanda listened to the radio until 2:00, when she drove over to Ken's house. At 2:17, she started driving to Carl and my house.

She had a quarrel with Carl about whether Carl should take the sign-in sheet to the door, or check the door first to see if somebody was there and then go back for the sign-in sheet.

Finally, the door was opened and Carl and I were let in. I ate my Taco Bell with gusto after that hard day.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


On Friday morning, La Netta didn't pick me up. Instead, it was Pia. She was taking me to go shopping!

At the beginning of the drive, I heard Pia calling Stan what may have been "cutxe".

"Did you call Stan the C-word?", I asked Pia.

"What is the C-word?", she asked.

"Rhymes with 'beauty'."

"Yes, I did say that."


Pia soon got me to Rite-aid.

When I talked to her, Pia had me go outside and spit my saliva out. Then I came back in.

"What kind of eggs are you looking for?", she asked.

"Coconut cream . . . strawberry cream . . ."

"I see some over there."

"I'm looking for the six-packs."

I found a bag of Gimbal's gourmet jelly beans and remembered how much I had adored those last year. I placed them in my basket.

Then I went back to the left of the aisle. I noticed this time that under the individual Russell Stover eggs there were six-packs. I picked out two six-packs and basketed them.

Pia then showed me the check-out, where I paid for my goodies.

"Thanks for taking me to Rite-aid, Pia", I said.

"You're definitely welcome", she said.

She then drove me to the 99-cent store in Pinole, where I was to meet La Netta and the gang. On the drive, she pointed out the box of See's she had bought me to replace the one Jason probably ate.

When I got home, I set out to purge off "cutxe". First I put my Easter stuff into my drawer. While I was lifting the jelly beans, I noticed the back side of the bag had a blueberry muffin recipe. It wasn't there last year I got Gimbal's. I looked and discovered a recipe for "Ice Xxxxx Sandwich".

"Blechhh!", I said. I wouldn't be able to eat my jelly beans, since having the I-word on the bag contaminated every bean in the bag. I took those out and laid them on the counter for others to eat.

And now I would have to purge off the I-word! Pia came in at 2:33 to give me my pills. I told her I was purging and couldn't take them.

I kept on purging off the I-word. There was a knock at 2:53. "Still purging!", I said.

Then I finished the I-word and got to the C-word. At 3:04, I heard another knock. I could take my pills.

A rather sterile "D'oh"

La Netta told me on Thursday that we needed to go to Walgreen's so she could pick up something. She said I could get Easter eggs from there.

Once we got there, I looked at aisle headers. Eventually I found the Easter eggs.

"We'll be in the van", said La Netta. "Can you make it by yourself?"

"Yes", I replied.

Eventually I found four eggs I wanted. I placed them in my basket.

I then walked to the aisle. La Netta was still there. "Are you going to get in line?", La Netta asked.

"I thought you were in line", I told her.

"No, we already paid for our stuff."

Just then, I heard what sounded like a "whxxps".

"Did Ken say the WH-word?", I asked.

"He did", said La Netta.

"D'oh", I said sterilely.

I paid for my eggs, then I was out the door.

La Netta stopped in front of Jack-in-the-box.

"Can you go in with me?", I asked her.

"You can't go in", she said. "It's full of people."

"Oh. Hey, La Netta, I'm worried that if we go to Pinole Valley Park, there are going to be children there, and you won't let me purge."

"We'll see."

"La Netta, when we go to Pinole Valley Park, could you go to the part with the outhouse so I can purge?"

"We'll see."

Once we got to Pinole Valley Park, we were at our usual spot, with the regular restroom rather than the outhouse, but no one was there.

I went in there and successfully purged off "whxxps".

Still learning the G-word

On Tuesday, La Netta was back. "La Netta!", I said in the morning.

La Netta asked Carl and me how our week-ends were. I told her about eating the mangosteens and durian, as well as Lamesha not coming over.

La Netta made a long cellphone call at Miller's Knots, where there were several people (mostly seniors) walking dogs. I viisted the sliding-door restroom just to spit.

When La Netta finished that lengthy call, we hit Target.

La Netta showed me where the shopping baskets were. I got Almond Joy eggs and four Cadburys from the Easter egg section. La Netta bought some Easter-themed pencils.

Did she say "Gxtcha" to Carl?

"Did you say tie G-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No", she said.

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'Gxtcha'. Is that the G-word?"


"Why don't you like that word?"

I told her about my days of elementary school and junior high, seeing too many T-shirts that said "Gxtcha". You know, with the fish carrying the flag.

At the office, I went to the restroom and purged "gxtcha" off. I looked at the schedule and discovered we had Williams' tomorrow. Score!

At the office, we picked up Ken. Then we drove to Vincent Park.

"What did you withdraw at the C-tibank?", La Netta asked during her cellphone call.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh, sorry James!", La Netta said to me. Then she said to her interlocutor, "I said the word James doesn't like".

I went to the restroom and purged off that peanut-buttery word. Then I came back out.

La Netta drove to her house to use the restroom. Then she drove to Ken's house. I pulled my sleep mask over my eyes to avoid seeing Frosty Freeze.

After dropping Ken off, La Netta dropped Carl and me off.

I placed my eggs in my red bag and we were soon inside.

Hunting for eggs at Grocery Outlet

On Monday, Rosa instead of La Netta was picking Carl, Robin and me up.

She took us to Grocery Outlet, as was scheduled for the day. "I'm going to go to the restroom first", said Rosa.

Carl and I said OK and waited outside the door for her.

At Grocery Outlet I got three piroshkis and two Tampicos. I also heard someone say, "Ice xxxxx . . . vegetables" as we were walking out of the frozen food aisle, and said, "Blech!"

What I was really looking for was Easter eggs. I wanted some of those Gimbal's jelly beans. No one saw them while we were walking the aisles. When I paid for my piroshki and Tampico, I asked the cashier whether they had Easter eggs. "Aisle 8", he said.

"Excuse me", I said. "Can you take me to Aisle 8?"

"Follow that girl in front of you", someone said. I followed an employee, and soon found Rosa.

"Are your eyes closed?", asked Rosa.

"They're cupped", I said.

"Uncup your eyes!"

"I can't! I might see the I-word!"

"They don't have the I-word here!"

We were back to the section with the plastic eggs. Rosa pointed out that all they had was plastic eggs. So we left.

Next came Big Lots. I bought two cartons of a dozen chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs each.

It came time for lunch. By now, I really had to purge off that I-word.

"Where're you getting your lunch?", Rosa asked me.

"I'm eating my piroshkis", I said.

After Carl bought lunch at Taco Bell, I was at the Miller's Knots restroom, purging off "ice xxxxx".

First, I did "nice" and "I see" and "I said". Then I did all the "rice"s I had seen from the piroshki packages. Then I did other /ais/'s I had heard that I may have missed. Then I did all the times I had thought "ice xxxxx" to myself. Finally, I did "adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam . . ."

I came out to the van and took my pill.

Rosa took us to Point Pinole. She asked if we wanted to walk. Carl jogged, then got exhausted. Soon we were doing drops, without Rosa or I having walked.

We got to Carl and my house and sat parked in front, waiting for Stan.

The dog began jumping up near its fence, and we began discussing the dog.

"I've got to keep my exe on that cat", Carl said.

"Ewwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry", said Carl. "I've got to keep watching that cat."

Carl and I discussed Kurt Cobain (he's not really dead!) as I paced outside. Finally our staff got here and we said good-bye to Rosa and went in so I could purge off those damn K & E words.

Robin eggs

On Friday, March 4, I called Stan right after midnight. He said he'd be here in the morning to bring me my money.

In the morning, I called Stan at 8:05. He said he'd bring me my money when he was dropping off Carl.

I told La Netta about my money and explained that I'd need it to go to Rite-aid, which was on our schedule that Friday.

La Netta had the radio turned to the gospel station. The DJ was discussing the new surveillance cameras in one high school that were in the news. "Something to keep a close exe on", she said.

"Eeeewwwwwww!", I said.

Then came Miller's Knots. I purged until I had gotten "keep a close exe on" out of me.

La Netta then took me to Vincent Park. "Did you know that if you get an iPod, it has an app where you can enter a band you like, and it will find similar bands? Tell me the name of a band."

"Third Eye Blind", I said.

La Netta typed in some stuff . . . "Turning a Blind Eye", she said. She listed a few other similar-sounding band names.

"I don't think that works. I think it's just listing bands with similar names."

"OK. Name a song title. It will find a station that plays songs like that."

"Jumper", I said.

La Netta typed it in, and soon we were hearing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

After "Bittersweet Symphony", by the Verve Pipe "Semi-charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, "Learn to Fly" by the Foo Fighters, "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6 and "Adam's Song" by Blink-182, we were at the office and La Netta turned her iPod off. "Would you like to do this again sometime?", she asked.

"Sure", I said.

Another coach inside the office asked if we were going to Rite-aid today.

"Yes", I said.

"We'll already be past our time", said La Netta. "We'll be going to Lucky's instead."

When we got into the van, La Netta said, "You know we won't be going to Rite-aid?"

"Then why don't you just change the schedule?", I asked her.

"We can't change the schedule, because . . ." some reason I forgot.

La Netta told me that Pia and Stan could take me. I told her they never have time to take me to any other places I ask them to.

We were soon at Emanuel's house. I saw Stan and Pia. I walked over and Stan handed me a $20 bill.

"Stan, will you take me to Rite-aid?", I asked.

My staff were asking me why La Netta couldn't take me. I walked over to La Netta and asked her to explain what had gone on today to Stan and Pia. La Netta said I was doing a good job.

My conversation with Stan ended with a "We'll see." I was back in the van with no promise of going to Rite-aid from anyone.

La Netta then drove Carl and me to Lucky's.

While I looked in an aisle, I saw a box of a cereal called Txsteeos. "Blechhh!", I said.

At the check-out, I looked behind me, and saw a freezer with a picture of an ice xxxxx cone on it. "Blechhh!", I said. I bought some Easter eggs during the time we spent at Lucky's.

Then came Kennedy Grove. I walked over to the restroom and purged off the ice xxxxx cone. First an "adolice cradoleam cadolone", then some "adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam . . .", then some "cadolone, cadolone, cadolone, cadolone, cadolone . . .", then some more "adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam . . .", then some more "cadolone, cadolone, cadolone, cadolone, cadolone . . .", then a series of "adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam, cadolone, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam cadolone . . . ", each item trying to be the last.

After I got that out of me, I did my usual ritual for "tadolasty".

Did I hear "cutxe", or was that "giddy" or "Getty"? Did I hear a "whxxps"?

Before I finished with the word "txsty", however, there was a word I know I heard.

"He's on his bxke", a mother said to a father. "We're going to go on one more bxke ride."

I started picking my navel, then before I finished, I went to the van to ask La Netta about some words.

When I got there, La Netta said, "Robin was after your eggs. I tried to stop him, but he got to waving his fists around his head and ululating. I was afraid he was going to hit me, so I backed off."

I looked. There were only four eggs left in my Reese's egg box. On the back seat, where was a Reese's egg wrapper.


"Robin, you knew that was wrong", said La Netta.

I slapped Robin's wrist nine times.

"La Netta, did he say the C-word, or did he say 'giddy' or 'Getty'?"

"Getty", said La Netta.

"Did I hear the WH-word?"


I was soon back to the restroom, finishing the two "bxke"s.

Carl showed me how to attack Robin. "Remember the python?", he said.

"Yes", I said.

As La Netta went back to the van from the restroom, Carl got a stick and took me behind the restroom. "With someone like Robin, you go like this", he said. He shook the stick throught he air, whipping it like in the Devo song "Whip It."

We climbed back into the van.

"Whatchya thinking about?", La Netta asked me.

"I was thinking about hearing the short form of 'bicycle', I said."

"When did you hear that?"

"When the mother said, 'He's on his bxke' and 'We're going to go on one more bxke ride'. Remember that?"


"You don't remember?"

"I guess I was so focused on those eggs."

I then found an unopened egg in the back row. I discovered Robin had only eaten one egg, so he owed me only 62 cents. Although Carl said he owed me a dollar.

Inappropriate behavior in a restroom?

On Thursday, March 3, La Netta drove us over to the office where we would spend the majority of our program time.

I spent lots of time in the waiting room. I stood around pacing, looking at the clock a lot.

"You sure are looking at the clock a lot", said La Netta. "Did you see a bad time?"

"No, La Netta", I replied.

"What's bothering you?"

"It was when we were at JC Penney's and you told me it was really wrong and that I was rushing you. That really hurt my feelings. You had told me we only had five minutes, and when you spent some more time in there I felt like I had been liee to."

"Oh, no, that was just a misunderstanding", said La Netta. "Is that what was bothering you?"


"James, you might as well count your money, because we're going to Goodwill, and next to Goodwill is a Walgreen's. We can stop by and look at the Easter eggs, so see if you have enough money to buy them."

I set my sandwich bag on the table and took out all the receipts. Then I counted the coins and discovered they added up to $5.40, plus several pennies.

Then La Netta suggested I go over my receipts. I went through all of my receipts and set the ones I was going to keep in one pile and the ones I would throw away (because I had used up everything I bought on that receipt, or because the receipt was no longer legible) in another.

La Netta provided a wastebasket, and I through my unwanted receipts thereinto.

We then went to Walgreen's. They had Gimbal's jelly beans, two bags for $5. I could buy them next time I went. I noticed a huge chocolate egg filled with marshmallow, for $2.99. I selected that and four smaller Russell Stover eggs for a total that came out to $5.

Then it was time for Goodwill. Almost as soon as I got in, I heard the radio station that was playing say something that sounded like "pxke around". "Is this traffic?", I asked La Netta.

"It doesn't sound like it", said La Netta.

"Did they say the P & A words?"

"I didn't hear them."

As I plugged my ears, I lost sight of La Netta. I had to make my way around with my ears plugged so I didn't hear the commercials on the radio.

"La Netta, are you certain they didn't say the P & A words?", I asked.

"I'm certain", she replied.

I walked towards the side of the store away from the entrance door.

"That's not the way we're going", said La Netta. "We're over here."

Great. I had lost La Netta. And I had to perambulate my way around, finding La Netta intuitively.

I saw a rack of what looked like many pajamdra pants. "Are these pajamdra pants?", I asked La Netta.

La Netta spoke to someone else.

"La Netta, Are these pajamdra pants?", I repeated.

"Yes, they are", said La Netta.


I finally walked over to La Netta. A song played. Finally.

Then they announced it was KBLX. "Are they going to do traffic?", I asked La Netta.

"I have no idea", said La Netta.

"I'll be on the outside while the traffic is playing."

I walked outside and stooe right in front of the front door.

Shortly thereaeter, La Netta and her other two clients were walking out.

W then found ourselves at Pinole Valley Park. "It's after 11", said La Netta. "You can take your pill now, James."

"I need to go to the restroom first", I replied.

"For what?"

"To purge."

"Why do you need to purge?"

"Remember? The pajamdra pants?"

"Oh. Well, there's kids at this park. Just wait until they get out of the restrooms."

I paced outside the van, waiting for the children to leave the park.

"James, the children have left now, but a new group of people is coming up, so maybe you can hurry and get to the restrooms now while you still have time", said La Netta.

"How old are they?", I asked.

"They're young."

"Young as in teen-agers, or young as in children?"

"Children. So maybe you can go right now."

I went right in. I figured nine pairs of pajamdra pants. I found the stall, and unbuttoned my pants. "Pajamdras", I started. "Pajamdras. Pajamdras. I did 80 more "pajamdras"es.

Then I repeated it eight more times. Before I finished, La Netta came in and asked when I'd finish.

When I got out, La Netta said there were children going into that restroom.

"I heard everyone going into that restroom, and that wasn't a child", I said. "That was a developmentally disabled adult."

"There was also a child going in with his grandfather", said La Netta.

When I got into the van, I heard a station that didn't sound like Star 101.3. I looked at the clock and it said 106.1.

"Do you like KMEL, Carl?", I asked.

"No, I don't", said Carl.

"This isn't KMEL", said La Netta.

"Yes, it is", said Carl.

"Oh, you're right, it is."

I plugged my ears for a while while a song played. "Carl, what station do you want to listen to?"

"97.3, is that OK with you?", said Carl.

"Yes, it is."

Carl switched the station.

"La Netta, did that song on KMEL have the I-word in it?", I asked.

"Did you hear it?", asked La Netta.

"I had my ears plugged. And I thought I heard the I-word through my ears plugged."

"I don't remember whether it had the I-word", said Carl.

"La Netta, did they sing the I-word?"

"I don't know", La Netta said, "I wasn't listening to the radio."

"Did you hear the I-word, Carl?"

"I don't remember", said Carl.

"But since you know that the I-word makes me purge, don't you think you'd notice it if they said the I-word in that song, and remember it?"

"I'm from the valley! We're not known for thinking!"

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH! Now I'm going to have to hold the I-word in until I get home because no one can tell me whether they said it on the radio!"

"You should just let him go to the restroom", said Carl.

"It's not OK for a kid to walk in there and he's doing all his noises", said La Netta. "They might call the police."

I raged so hard. "Everyone's calling the pigs on everyone for dubious reasons! People always call the pigs on me for this and other non-crimes! Anyone who calls the gestapo on people for things like this deserves to be executed!"

"I totally agree", said Carl. "If someone calls the police, and it's not an actual crime, that person who called the police should be arrested."

"But you have to understand that not everyone understands your purging", said La Netta. "People will hear your noises and they'll think something creepy's going on. They'll have you arrested, and I won't be able to do anything to help you!"

"What could they arrest me for?", I asked.

"Inappropriate behavior in a restroom?"

"That is not a serious charge", Carl said. "It's not even a misdemeanor, not a crime at all."

"That's not the name of an actual charge", I said. "There is no crime called 'inappropriate behavior in a restroom'."

La Netta started sweeping out the van. She got me three napkins and told me to throw away my pill containers that were littered across the back seat.

While I through away pill containers, I heard a woman talking to her dog. She called the dog's name, Mxkey, three times.

"Eeeeewwwww!", I said.

"What's wrong?", asked Carl.

"They said the M-name", I said.

"What did you say?", La Netta asked.

"I was saying 'Eewwww', and Carl was asking me what was wrong, and I told him that she said the M-name."

After I finished with the pill containers, we drove off.

During the ride, Robin took his brown-haired head and head-butted me.

"Owwwwwwww!", I screamed. "SHAME ON YOU, ROBIN!"

I got home and purged off the I-word. Then I purged off the three "Mxkey"s. I collapsed, exhausted, into bed.

The fruit that smells

On Wednesday morning, March 2, La Netta decided to go to Wal-mart even though that wasn't on the schedule. She asked me why I didn't want a basket, and I explained that I wasn't buying anything there. I already had juice, and was saving my money for the International Market that day.

While we were at Wal-mart, I heard a male employee say the word "ice xxxxx". "Blechhh!", I said.

I thought about it. "Rice" had "ice" in it. "Juice" had "ice" in it. If I looked in the International Market without purging off "ice xxxxx" first, I would have ot do hundreds of rubble-clears when I finally got around to purging.

A little later, I told La Netta, "La Netta, I'm going to need to go somewhere to purge off the I-word before we go to the International Market or I won't be able to look at their stuff."

"We can swing by JC Penney's and you can use their restroom there", La Netta said.

"Thanks, La Netta".

Then we got to JC Penney's. "You'll need to look to find the men's room", she said.

"I don't want to see the pajamdras," I said.

"They don't have in this part of the store. It's to your right, on the way down."

I looked and saw the path to the restrooms.

"We're pressed for time", said La Netta. "We only have five minutes here."

I went in the restroom, rubble-cleared, purged off "ice xxxxx", and then heard La Netta calling.

"Let me wash my hands!", I said.

I washed my hands, then walked out of the restroom. We walked towards the door, then La Netta stopped to look at the clothes.

"I thought we were leaving", I said.

"James!", said La Netta. "We let you use the restroom. It's only fair to let us browse."

"But I thought we were pressed for time."

"Oooh, that is really wrong! Don't rush us!"

"I'm not rushing you! I was just coneused. Because you told me we were pressed for time."

"OK, I just wanted to make sure."

La Netta finally stopped looking at clothes, and then left for the International Market.

We started out by looking at mushrooms. Then we were treading through several aisles of fruits and vegetables. I found a frozen durian advertised at only $1.59 and put it in the cart.

As we walked through the canned fruit section, I saw mangosteens in syrup. After they discontinued the dried mangosteens at Trader Joe's before I could try them, I really wanted to try mangosteens. So I got some of those. They also had lychees, rambutans, jackfruit, and a fruit I had never heard of -- the attap fruit.

I then picked out some soursop juice from the juice aisle. One more new fruit to try!

When we reached the check-out, I discovered that the durian was over $7. It turned out that $1.59 meant $1.59 per pound.

"You've really wanted to try durian", said La Netta. "Why don't you get it and make it a present to yourself?"

So I bought the durian, along with the mangosteens and soursop juice. My purchase came out to $11.something.

The next stop was Lee's Garden. There I got chow mein, Hunan chicken and some of that spicy Mongolian beef.

While we were driving to Davis Park, the durian rolled off the seat and landed on Carl's foot. Then for the ride home, I held onto my durian. But the bag with the mangosteens and soursop juice slid.

"James, if that's your fruit, you better pick it up, so it doesn't bust open", La Netta said.

"My durian's up here with me", I said. "Those are the mangosteens and soursop juice rolling."

When we got home, I collected my Chinese food from the back and picked up all my foods from the International Market. I went inside and ate my Chinese food.

Wow, what a difference! Blockbuster's closed, you know!

On Tuesday, March 1, we were in the Albany area, supposed to go to Albany Bowl. But I remembered my last experience of going to the bowling alley, with trying to hold and throw the ball differently, and I didn't want to try it again for a while.

La Netta said, "Here's something else we can do -- since no one wants to go bowling, I thought we could stop here". We were parked in front of Blockbuster Video.

"I thought they were closed down by the recession", I said.

"Well, it does say that they're going out of business", said La Netta.

We went into the video store. Songs were playing. One song was a boy singing Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream".

"Did they say 'pajamdras' in that song?", I asked La Netta when I heard a Madonna/Britney Spears duet.

"I don't think so", said La Netta.

I found a candy section, with Mike & Ike Tropical Typhoons. I picked one out.

"These are snakes, right?", I asked La Netta about the candy at the bottom row.

"Right", said La Netta.

I explained to La Netta that I was burning to pay for my Tropical Typhoons. She showed me the way to the counter.

After I paid for it, I had lost La Netta and needed to find my way back.

"Ma'am?", I asked a woman. "Are you La Netta?"

"Do I look like her?", she asked.

"La Netta's a heavy-set African-American woman . . . she was with some guys . . ."

"Oh, I think I know where she is", said the woman. "Follow me."

She led me all the way back to La Netta.

I followed La Netta around for the rest of the trip. Shortly before we left, I saw a red shirt to my left. I looked closer . . . it was Winnxe the Pooh! With Tigger!

The movie next to it also featured Winnxe the Pooh and Tigger on the front. "Eeeeeeewwwwwww!", I said.

We finally left, and headed to Vincent Park. I spent the whole time purging Winnxe the Pooh and Tigger off.

By the way, I checked that Madonna/Britney Spears song when I got home, and it didn't have "pajxmxs" in it.