Monday, September 28, 2009

A short annual

On Friday, I walked into the conference room with La Netta. Stan and Pia were there, as was my new case manager. "Do you know what we're here for?", asked Lita.

"My annual", I said.

"Correct." We started out by having me sign some papers.

"My name is Bonnie", said my case manager. "I'll be your new case manager." It turned out that Jo-Ann Amos had left the Regional Center.

The first goal we went over was participating in the group activities. La Netta said I was pretty much participated in them all. Lita noted I particularly liked the Whole Foods store, Trader Joe's and that place in Concord.

"World Market?", I said.

"Yes", said Lita.

The second goal was hygiene. They asked if I had increased the frequency with which I showered. I said that I had pumped it up from one shower a week to two a week. "Then I got ringworm and I was showering every day. After the ringworm disappeared, I wanted to go back to two a week, but Stan said I should shower every day. I told him I was really looking forward to only having to shower twice a week again, so Stan and I compromised, and we decided we'd shower thrice a week."

"Thrice?", asked Stan.

"Three times", clarified Pia.

"So you did it under duress", said Lita.

"He's changing his clothes more often -- that shirt he has on looks great", said La Netta.

The next goal we went over was my goal to join clients outside of my core group. "Now, tie good thing about James", said Lita, "Is that he possesses all this knowledge, in many different areas".

La Netta said it was a pleasure to have me with the group and have me answer her questions. Lita said Kay looked forward to seeing me because she could ask me things. She also asked if I was teaching La Netta Spanish, and I said I hadn't given her a Spanish lesson in a while.

"Ayyoon enjoys seeing him", said Lita.

They talked about the group size, and how I didn't like vans of six clients because one might tell another to scxxt over. We also discussed Robin in the group.

"I don't like Robin", I said. "He head-botts my friend."

Lita said we were trying placing Robin and Jolene in different groups. We would alternate weeks, so that one week Robin went with La Netta, Ken and me, and the next week Jolene did.

Our final goal was the headphones. Lita asked me whether my headphones worked.

"Well, there are the gaps in between the songs", I said. "One time when I had my old headphones, they were on a gap, and I heard La Netta talking about pajamdras."

"When was this?", asked Stan.

"This was when I had my first set of headphones", I replied.

"So that was a long time ago", said Stan. "Almost a year ago!"

Lita asked whether I brought my headphones to program every day.

"Every day", I replied.

"His headphones work when he uses them correctly", said La Netta.

Bonnie asked, "Are there any questions you'd like to ask me?"

"Do you have a last name?", I asked Bonnie.

"I do", she said, "It's Whitcomb."

"W-H-I-T-C-O-M-B . . . or is there an E on the end?"

"No, that's it, no E", she said. "You want a business card?"


"Now, what origin is the name Whitcomb?", asked Pia.

"Either English or Scottish", I said.

"That's correct", said Bonnie Whitcomb. "My ancestors came over on the Mayflower."

"Do you know what my last name is?", I asked Bonnie Whitcomb.



"What origin is that?"

"It's Jewish."



We then left the annoal. It had been a surprisingly short meeting. I said good-bye to Stan and Pia, and then headed out with La Netta to get a burrito.

Robin eats my burrito

On our schedule Thursday, we had the Dollar Tree. La Netta looked at what she wanted to look at first, then she asked me what I wanted to look at, and I told her I'd like to see the frozen fooes.

"They sometimes have some of that I-stuff, so let me look first", said La Netta. Then she told me I could look.

First I looked at a door filled with Mexican foods -- tacos, burritos, chimichangas, enchiladas, tamales. I wanted to see if there was anything else, so I looked to a door to its right and I found pizzas. I considered buying a frozen pizza.

Then I noticed one box said, "Crisp & Txsty". I looked at the one above it: "Crisp & Txsty". And the one above it: "Crisp & Txsty".

"BLECHHH!", I said.

"Did you hear something?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to the pizza boxes.

"Oh", she said.

La Netta did the looking for me and picked out a chicken pot pie. I asked her to check to make sure it didn't have the T-word on the box. With the restroom obstructed by cardboard boxes, we left early and headed towards the burrito truck.

"Do you want to use the restroom?", La Netta asked while we were at the burrito truck.

"Actually, I'm thinking of getting my burrito first and then going to the restroom," I replied.

"Well, if that's the case, you might as well go to the park now so you can be at the restroom sooner."

"I want to get my burrito."


"How you I keep myself from thinking the T-word?"

"Just think of Jolene."

So I thought of Jolene as I ordered my burrito. They gave me my super vegetarian burrito immediately.

Next, we drove over to Davis Park. A song that said, "The more I see, the less I know" played. "James", said La Netta, "I don't have the handicapped placard, so try to be quick in there."

"OK, La Netta", I said.

I started off with some rubble-clearing of the "ice"s (like in the song line). I purged off "txsty", all three "txsty"s, then came out of the restroom. We drove around to another section of the park.

I sat in the back row and listened to Star 101.3. I asked La Netta for my pill, which she supplied to me.

I lay back enjoying the music.

"James!", said La Netta. "Your burrito!"

I looked to my right and Robin was eating the super vegetarian burrito I had bought at the truck!


"SHAME ON YOU, ROBIN!", I yelled. I slapped him on the wrist.

Robin got out of the van and La Netta picked the burrito off the seat. She cleaned the burrito "guts" off from the seat, and I wiped them off my CD player.

"Robin", said La Netta, "You stay outside until you cool off!"

Robin then ran to the restroom. La Netta followed him. He had used the women's.

"This is really starting to piss me off", said La Netta.

"You mean all the things Robin is doing?", I asked.


"First he's head-butting Jolene, now he's stealing food!"

La Netta dropped me home at 1:00 today, without getting a second burrito. I was stuck having the chicken pot pie for lunch, and it wasn't nearly enough. My stomach gnawed at me until 8:00.

Robin Studebaker, expert head-butter

On Wednesday morning, Robin head-butted Jolene again. "Ow! He hit my head!", shouted Jolene.

"Shame on you, Robin!", I said.

"That is NOT OK!", said Rosa.

A little later we were at the office, and David Squibb was passing by. "Hi, James", said David.

I waved.

"I prayed for Lamesha", he said.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, David", I said.

"And you know what I said?"

"God, heal Lamesha that she may have everlasting life?"

"Yeah. I said, 'God, heal Lamesha that she may feel better.' You see, you're my friend, James."


"I love everyone, no matter what color they are."

"You love everyone?"


"Even Robin?"


"What do you mean, 'Even Robin'?", asked Rosa. "That wasn't very nice." Then she laughed.

After we got out of the office, we were back in the van. Jolene was in the middle row and Robin was in the back. Everyone was going fine until--


"OWWW!", said Jolene. "He hit my head!"

"That is NOT OK!", said Rosa. "You are a horrible, horrible man! Now, you tell her you're sorry!"

"Shame on you, Robin!", I said.

We then got out to get our car washed. We all got outside. We took turns protecting Jolene from Robin. I scraped meatball off my pants, while Robin perioeically came around and approached Jolene.

We then got back in the van. Jolene was placed in the left seat of the middle row, and Robin in the right seat of the back row. We thought Jolene would be safe from head-butting for the rest of the ride.

"Jolene, move your head over to the left, so Robin doesn't get you", said Rosa.

We drove for a few minutes without incident. Then Robin took his seatbelt off and rammed his head into Jolene's!

"OWWWWWWWWWW! My head! Robin!" It was Jolene's voice.

"That is NOT OK!", said Rosa.


"Get your belt back on!", said Rosa. "GET YOUR BELT BACK ON!"

Robin finally put his seatbelt back on and that was his last slam for the day. But it had become clear that this group set-up was becoming untenable. We would now have to devise a way to keep Jolene and Robin apart. The coaches say we're going to place Jolene in our group and Robin in Tiffany's for a week, then switch so Robin is with our group and Jolene goes with Tiffany.

I hope this works.

Another disabled group

On Tuesday, we were scheduled to go to Oakland, but La Netta and Rosa didn't want to go, so we switched our schedule around with Wednesday's.

First we went to FoodsCo, where I picked up a lemon meringue pie for my birthday.

Then came Safeway. I went in with Rosa and looked in the deli section for the macaroni salad, but couldn't find any.

La Netta and I then walked in together. She said she'd find the macaroni salad for me, but when she looked, she realized Safeway didn't have it.

La Netta said I might like a sandwich. She pointed out the Italian meatball sandwich.

I decided to expend over five of my dollars on this delicious investment. La Netta ordered her salads and picked out her peanut butter cookies, then I went ahead ordering my meal.

"I wish!", one employee said to another.

Just, then I saw the front of the sandwich brochure. "The txstiest, meatiest sandwiches . . .", the header read.

"Blechhh!", I said.

"They said, 'I wish'," said La Netta.

I pointed to the T-word.

"Oh", said La Netta.

I got out at our lunch site, Pinole Valley Park, and purged off the word "txstiest". Then I walked to the soil-filled berm.

A clearly disabled boy touched me. "No, Chris", I heard a staff say.

Before long, some staff were talking with La Netta and Rosa. They ran a school for disabled kids. "Are they autistic?", a man asked La Netta.

"Some of them are", said La Netta.

"We have autism, schizophrenia, cerebral palsy, Down's syndrome, epilepsy, OCD . . .", I said.

"So you cover the whole spectrum", he said.

"Jimmy, don't wet us!", I heard a staff say.

They said the oldest student they had was 22 and was soon to graduate. The youngest they took them was 7.

"Are they aggressive?", La Netta asked the staff from the school.

"Some of them bite", a woman said.

They said their school was mostly autistic, with a few mentally retarded and a few with OCD. They also said that 90% of autistic people were male, so most of their students were boys.

"Billy, sweetxe", they called a student.

"Rrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Are you OK?", asked La Netta.

"I need to use the restroom", I said.

"Can you be 3 minutes?", La Netta asked.

"I can", I said.

In under 180 seconds, I purged off "sweetxe" and was ready to join La Netta and the crew in the van.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The day Robin couldn't head-butt Jolene

On Monday, both La Netta and Rosa were absent. Kay was were to pick Jolene, Robin and me up that morning, and explained that she didn't know how to get to Mill Valley (where we were supposed to go). She asked where we'd like to go, and we came up with going to Barnes & Noble and Wal-mart (I needed my juices).

The office called, and told Kay to join with Cliff's group since both groups only had three clients. "Sorry to ruin your plans", said Kay.

"Tell them we already have a schedule made", I told Kay.

"Well, we'll go to the office and I'll talk to them then", Kay said.

The cellphone rang. Kay answered it and it was the office, telling her to add Lisa to our group.

"Good news, James", said Kay. "They want us to pick up Lisa, so we'll be able to continue doing what we were going to do."

We stopped at the office, where I rested on the couch. I also gave a $20 bill to Lita, and she gave me $10 back. Since Playland only cost $8, she now owes me $2.

Donna came to get me, along with Jolene and Robin. She instead of Kay would be driving us around.

I didn't see my headphones on the seat. I told Donna I was missing them, and she called Kay. Kay drove over and Donna picked up the headphones and CD player from her van.

We were now ready to drive to Barnes & Noble. I requested The Light, since Donna likes that station and it provides a traffic-free alternative to KBLX. We played this gospel station as we drove over.

I got out Jolene's wheelchair. "Scxxt up", Donna said to Jolene.

"Rrrrrrrr!", I said.

I saw a Halloween book in Barnes & Noble, with a cartoon dipser hanging onto a cartoon jack-o'-lantern. When we got back in the van, I purged.

At Wal-mart I picked up my juices. Then Donna asked about Jolene buying lunch. "Do Jolene and Robin usually buy lunch?"

"Jolene and Robin usually bring their lunches", I answered.

"What does Jolene like to buy?"

"She likes tacos", I told Donna.

"Jolene, what would you like?", asked Donna.

"A taco", said Jolene.

"How many would you like?"


"Just one? Will that be enough?"


Robin started banging his head against the window. "Does Robin usually do that?", asked Donna.

"Yes", said Jolene.

Robin banged his head a second time as we drove to Burger King. Then Donna and I got out at Chef's. I ordered chow mein, special taste chicken and eggplant chicken. Then I felt around for the frok with my eyes closed.

"You're holding up the line", said Donna.

I moved to the counter and continued to feel around for it. I picked it out and was ready to leave.

Next was the Mexican restaurant next door. Donna said the burritos looked good, so she bought one for herself; after that she waited on Jolene's taco.

At Miller's Knots I purged off the word "scxxt". Then I got back in the van and listened to Donna's cellphone conversation. "I don't want to drive over hearing all that mxss!", said Donna.

"Ewwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry, James!"

"You said you don't want to hear all that M-word?"

"That was what I said, yes."

Back to the restroom for me. After ten minutes of purging, I came back out and heard Donna talking about a traffic back-up. She may say the M-word again. I ran back into the restroom with my ears plugged.

The next time I came out, Donna terminated her cellphone call. "We're ready to leave!", said Jolene.

"We still have a few minutes. When do you get dropped off, James?", asked Donna.

"At 2:30", replied.


"Actually, Stan usually comes home at 2:30. We drive to my house at 2:00."

"All right. It's 1:35 now. At 1:45 we'll leave off for your house."

As we drove home, Robin banged his head against the window a third time.

"What's wrong with Robin?", asked Donna.

"Maybe he's frustrated because he can't head-butt Jolene", I speculated.

"Yes, he is", said Jolene.

We turned the radio off at 2:09 and Donna got out. A little later my staff came and we hauled in all my purchases and my CD player and headphones.

"Did you enjoy your taco, Jolene?", I asked.

"Yes, I did", replied Jolene.

Just one problem: At the end of the day, my pants were dirty!


Friday was the day we had scheduled for Playland. Everyone at CIWP was supposed to go to this amusement park, and the coaches had told everyone's caretakers ahead of time that we would need $8 to get in.

Friday morning came, and La Netta said she was speaking to my staff. My staff had told La Netta that Stan didn't leave money, and she didn't know anything about this Playland event.

La Netta and my staff tried to contact Stan via telephone multiple times. No luck with Stan Man. La Netta asked whether I had any money, and I said all I had on me was $3.

"I reminded Stan yesterday", said La Netta. "And you know what he told me? He said James already has money."

It looked as if I wasn't going to get in after all, then Lita furnished $8 for me to get into Playland while we visited the office.

I watched as Jolene sat at the table in the office, picking out beads with letters of the alpiabet on them. She picked out beads that spelled JOLENE KALLAUS, and arranged them on the table. La Netta then strung the heart, S, U, A, L, L, A and K onto a necklace string, followed by a heart for a spacer. Jolene said she didn't have the energy to string the rest of the letters on.

"Mind if I put them on the string?", I asked.

"Go ahead", said Jolene.

I found the hole in the E bead, then threaded the string through it. I followed with the N, the E, the L, the O and the J. Then La Netta added another heart and tied it around Jolene's wrist.

Having been lent money, the group drove over to Playland together.

It turned out we didn't even pay upon getting in. Rather, we were directed into a room with a movie showing. "We're going to start with the history of Playland . . .", said the docent.

"Change of plans", the lady said. "We're going to see a magic show instead."

The group walked together into a room with a magician. "I'm going to teach you how to make a coin disappear", he said. "Now, do you all have a coin with you? Does anyone need to borrow a coin?"

A few people raised their hands. I pulled a penny out of my money bag.

"And you're going to need an elbow", said the magician. "Does anybody here need to borrow an elbow?"

He then went on to inserting the coin. He said to find the groove in our elbows. We would push the coin around until we found that natural groove.

"Whxxps!", said the magician. "Whxxps, sorry!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my eorehead. "D'OH! D'oh! D'oh! D'OH!"

"It's OK", said La Netta.

"It's OK", said the magician.

"Would you like to be excused?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied.

We walked out and visited the haunted house. There was a cachinnating doll named Laughing Sal, who reminded me of Chuckie. This plastic doll had short brown hair, an outfit like Austin Powers and a voice that was sopposed to be scary.

La Netta then walked into a Candyland room, but then said she saw ice xxxxx, so we left.

We hit the arcade, and the Playland employee showed me how to play the skiball machine. I would try to throw the ball into the highest-pointed center. I covered my eyes by cupping a hand over them as I tossed.

"You can look", said La Netta. "I don't see anything."

"None of these stuffed animals are characters who make me purge?", I asked.

"I don't see any", she said. Then she said she saw a stuffed Winnxe the Pooh to my left. I said I wouldn't look over there.

After some unsuccessful throws, the employee took me to another game. I had to throw a ball up a chute, giving it enough impact that it would make it to the top before the two traps closed on it.

The first time I threw, the first trap closed before I could get in past. The next few times, I made it past the first trap but the second trap closed on it before I coold make it.

Then they introduced me to Pinball. La Netta looked over all the machines before I played. There were pictures of clowns and bimbos at the beach; it was your classic circus/funhouse décor. It looked like something out of the music video for Smashmouth's "Walking on the Sun".

La Netta took Jolene and the rest of the gang to lunch. I used the restroom while everyone else ate. I managed to purge off both "whxxps"es just in time.

We came out and looked at a circus display. Their figurines showed ringmasters and a line of elephants. There was one giraffe in a cage, and a herd of zebras in the middle.

"See the zebras, Jolene?", I asked. There was something beautiful about the stripes on those zebras.

We walked in for a film on Playland, which used to be at the beach. It now billed itsele as "Playland-not-at-the-beach". We watched the nineteenth-century history of Playland, with rides that would kill you if you stood up, rides that killed bystanders when the cars got off track and politically incorrect freak shows.

Finally, we left to go to Davis Park and then home. It was upon leaving that we all had to fork over our $8.

I had entertained myself in a strange place that day, but it was fulfilling nonetheless. However, let me say this: the real place to go is Scandia!

A long line for the restroom

Thursday we were in the middle of pick-ups when Rosa said "pxke out". I growled and soon awaited our first stop.

We stopped at a gas station. La Netta walked into the restroom to supervise Jolene changing. The idea was that I'd get to use the restroom after La Netta and Jolene were done.

Then, out of the blue, a little boy wearing a black sweatshirt with bxnes on it, drawn like a sketon's ribcage, walked up to the restroom with his motier. "Oops!", his mother said as they opened the restroom door and saw La Netta with Jolene.

"James", said Rosa, "Let that little boy go in before you."

So after about twenty minutes of waiting for Jolene to finish, the little boy and his mother went in. They used the restroom for a good five minutes until it was my turn.

"Padoloke out, padoloke oout", I chanted. After 14 more "padoloke out"s, I urinated, defecated and washed my hands. Rosa began calling.

But now I had something else to purge off. I held the bxnes in until lunchtime, when I got out and purged them off to my heart's content.

A bad trip to TJ's

On Wednesday, Rosa was talking about her son Melchor. She talked about his manner of eating, and said, "He doesn't make a mxss on the floor anymore".

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Sorry, James!", said Rosa.

As we were overstaffed, only Rosa stayed with us. She took the group into Trader Joe's.

This ought to make the day better, I thought. I told Rosa I wanted to look at the frozen foods, so we hit the frozen food section, where I got a pair of tamales. We then visited the chocolate section and the dried fruit. I saw the word "Yxm!" written on a Trader Joe's sign. Then a little later I saw "txsty" on the board advertising the almonds I was looking at. "I'm ready to leave", I said.

We reached the check-out. I paid the cashier with my $10 bill. She gave me three ones and a five back. Then she handed me my bag.

Then she said, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!", I said, slamming my forehead.

"What's wrong?", asked Rosa.

"She said the WH-word!"

"I did", said the cashier.

"That's OK", said Rosa. "She didn't know."

"D'OH!", I hit my head. "D'oh! D'oh! D'OH!" Right smack in the middle!

"Oh, those tamales are good", said the cashier.

"I know, I've bought those before."

"Txsty, aren't they?", she said.

"BLECHHHH!" I walked out the door. Then I turned to her. "They're not. But I buy them anyway."

"I see."

I told Rosa I had to get to a restroom, so she took me to Burger King.

I purged off all the "ice"s I had heard, then got down to business and did "txsty". "Tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty, tadolasty . . .", finishing up with two "adolice cradoleams". Then I repeated it for the second "txsty".

I may have heard an employee outside say "Pardon?", but I wasn't sure. I did the "padolardon" ritual, just to be on the safe side.

I discovered that the lock on the restroom door was broken, as Rosa could open it. She allowed me two more minutes.

I did the "yxm": "yadolum, yadolum". Then I left, still not done with "Whxxps".

When they ate lunch, I went to the restroom and did my "whadoluups" ritual. I spent most of my lunchtime purging out that whipped cream. After that it was "madoless". Then I finally got to take my pill. When I got home I ate some Taco Bell.

I think of Trader Joe's as a place I like. Why, then, did my trip today have to be so filled with purge words? Was it in the stars? Maybe I'll never know.

Words I didn't even hear

On Tuesday, our CIWP group took a trip to Vincent Park. I used some toilet paper there. After I walked out I found a dipser on my turtleneck sleeve.

"La Netta!", I cried.

La Netta brushed it off.

I purged off the eyes and small legs in the van. I would do the rest later.

We walked into the bowling alley. I heard someone say something that sounded like "Whxxps".

"Did I hear the WH-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No", answered La Netta.

"Then what did they say?"

"I don't know."

"It was nothing that sounded remotely like the WH-word?"


Then La Netta must have missed it. Because what I heare could easily sound like "Whxxps".

I bowled two games. Then I told La Netta I had to go to the restroom after she told me Rosa was going.

"Can you make it really quick?", La Netta asked.

"No, I can't", I replied.

"Then KFC is your best bet."

The drive to KFC was difficult, riddled by thinking "Whxxps" to myself a lot.

We were soon at KFC. I didn't order. Instead I went inside the restroom and purged off the dipser. I came out to ask La Netta whether a certain song had said the I-word.

She said it didn't.

I sat at a table, with my sunglasses set down on the table and my head in my arms. I rested motionless as I waited for another chance to use the restroom so I could finish up.

Then, when Jolene began to change herself, I headed back into the restroom. I purged off all the times I thiought "Whxxps" or "Oops". Then I took a long time on that whipped-cream WH-word I had heard. It may not have been the WH-word, but I had to purge just to be on the safe side.

I washed my hands, then approached the door. I heard La Netta calling, "James" just as I stood in front of the door.

I opened it.

"Other people need to use the restroom", said La Netta.

"I just got out", I said.

"You didn't hear any words."

"Yes, I did. I heard the WH-word!"

"You didn't hear that!"

"At the bowling alley!"

"James, you're purging off words you didn't even hear."

Monday, September 14, 2009

Enzingiyi, stomach rubber

After we had only picked up three clients this morning, La Netta said that either she or Rosa would have to go home due to overstaffing.

"Sierra's home sick today", said La Netta. "She said her throat tic-- t-ngles . . ."

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh, did I say that?", asked La Netta. "I'm sorry, James."

We drove on a little longer and still weren't at the office.

"I need to purge", I said.

"Huh?", asked La Netta. "What did you say, James?"

"I said I need to purge."

"I know, we'll be at the office in a little while. I'm sorry again."

Shortly thereafter, she reached the office, where I purged to my heart's content.

Instead of either La Netta or Rosa going home, they were told to pick up another client. We got to his house and he was soon in the van. La Netta started a conversation with him, and he said "I've got family axx oxxx the pxxxx".

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

Luckily for me, La Netta had forgotten her cellphone, so back to the office it was. I rubble-cleared, then purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx" in the restroom.

Our next stop was the mission. The rap station began to play a commercial: "Here's the story of Vinny, with an exe for everything mini, from mini-bxkes to mini golf . . ."

"Commercial break!", I shouted.

"Do you have your headphones?", asked La Netta.

"You want to listen to this commercial?"

La Netta switched to another rap station. I picked at my navel in the back.

After the mission, we visited Wal-mart. I told La Netta I was looking for a sleeping mask. That way I could cover my exes when we drove to avoid seeing Frosty Freeze or seeing the time at a bad minute, and wouldn't have to worry about my exes popping open.

We didn't find a sleeping mask, but we did get my juices: two Hawaiian punches. Then came lunch at China house, where I ordered chow mein and prawns with black bean sauce.

Once we got to good old Vincent Park, I finished purging in the restroom and took my pill.

Jolene used the restroom, then when she got back in the van she started complaining, "My stomach hurts. My stomach hurts."

"I hear you, Jolene", said La Netta.

"My stomach hurts", said Jolene.

"Do you want me to rub it?", I asked.

"My stomach hurts."

"Do you want me to rub it?"


So I took my hand and rubbed it over the abdomen of Jolene's hoodie. It went round and round as I set the turmoil of Jolene's stomach in a laundry-machine sort of motion, so it would be less turbulent. Eventually, Jolene said her stomach hurt again and lifted my hand from her abdomen, whereupon I stopped rubbing.

At the end of the day La Netta got out my juices, and said good-bye to me. I said good-bye to Jolene and said I hoped she liked her stomach rub. Then I went inside to eat my Chinese food.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Both Emanuel and Darnell say it

This morning, Emanuel told me, "Scxxt . . . scxxt over" as I was on the end seat of the middle row. I growled, and he said, "Move over".

I let Robin and Emanuel in, then when I got to a restroom I purged. I thought I wouldn't have to hear that again . . . or would the day be ruined by Darnell saying it?

Then, after lunch, we were trying to get Robin back into the van. My forehead grew sweaty as Robin wouldn't get in and Darnell kept trying to coax him.

"Robin, scxxt over!", said Darnell.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oops!", Darnell said.

So I did hear the word twice. Two different people used the word in one day. We didn't have this problem when it was just La Netta driving us. How I long for the days when it was just La Netta, Jolene, Ken and yours truly!

Ken got his burger

On Wednesday, our group went into the office where Lita was speaking to Lisa.

"Scxxt a chair up here . . .", said Lita as I hung out in the main room.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled. I then walked into the restroom to purge.

We drove out, then hung out in front of our sites without going in, since Lita would soon tell La Netta to pick up Rodney and Shawn.

After picking them up, we got lunch. We walked into this place called Watergate Market, which was filled with all sorts of lunches.

"James, you can open your eyes", said La Netta.

I looked at the sandwiches . . . more sandwiches . . . then I saw two sandwich boxes with plastic froks in them!

"Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"What happened?", asked La Netta.

I pointed to a piece of plastic silverware.

"Oh, I'm sorry, James", said La Netta. "Sorry."

I kept my eyes closed from then on, while La Netta alerted me to a ham sandwich on pita bread.

I asked her for it, and she showed me, bringing it up to me. I opened my exes and, after surveying it, decided I wanted it.

After that, I paid for it and we all walked outside. Ken decided he wanted a hamburger. We watched as they made the hamburger on the grill.

La Netta saw me smirking. "What's on your mind, James?", she asked.

"School uniforms", I said.

"School uniforms. I liked it when my kids were in uniforms. That way I never had to worry about what they were going to wear in the morning. I just knew they'd put on a uniform."

"You know, there are people in Japan who have fetishes for school uniforms. In Tokyo, you can buy a used schoolgirl's uniform from a vending machine."

"Eewwww . . . why would anybody want a used one?"

"Maybe because it had the girl's sweat on it?"

Ken's hamburger finished cooking. We wouldn't need to wait around anymore as Ken picked it up.

"Ken got his burger", I said, the same way Ken says, "James got his juices".

Our next stop was Emeryville Marina. La Netta showed me where her group would be as I purged off the plastic silverware in the restroom.

When I got finished purging, I came out and hung around La Netta, as she talked with Rosa. The next step was changing Baby Shawn's diaper, and making sure Jolene changed hers.

Shawn kept saying "bxke" as he saw the bicycles parked outside the restrooms. As we drove home, I picked my navel. Now that we were away from the park, Shawn had stopped.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

30 going on 31

Today, I officially became untrustworthy. I turned 30.

We started out by doing pick-ups (Emanuel wasn't with us) and visiting the office. While I was walking in the main room, I looked at the edge of the counter. Could it be--? That plastic thing could have been a plastic frok, or was it? I looked, and it was three plastic froks, placed right in front of each other.

The first blemish on my birthday, as I went to the office to purge. La Netta told me we were leaving, but I said I had to wash my hands.

Lita was in the van with os, ready to be dropped off. I was seated in the middle seat of the back row, with Robin in the right seat of the same row.

All of a sudden, Robin hit my head. "OWwwwwwww!", I screamed.

"Robin hit you?", asked La Netta.

"He did."

"Why don't you scxxt o-- move over to the left, so Robin doesn't hit you again?", asked Lita.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. "I can't sit there, someone left his residue there."

"Hey, that's your CD player."

"I'm referring to the residue!"

"Oh, you mean the wrappers?"


"Well, if you want to take your chance with Robin hitting you again."

"I'll take my chance at getting hit again."

As we hit Lita's drop-oee spot, Lita said, "Why don't I move Jolene's bag here so we don't have it flying axx oxxx the pxxxx?"

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. "La Netta, can you get me to a restroom?"

"Do you want to go to Concord?", asked La Netta.

"Yes, I do."

"Then you're going to need to hold it in."

I purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx" in the back seat so we wouldn't have a whole bunch of "all"s accumulating. Meanwhile, Robin was head-butting Jolene.

La Netta switched from Star 101.3 to the rap station when commercials came on.

"Can we have my music for my birthday?", I asked.

"What?", said La Netta.

"Can we have my music for my birthday?"

"Well, it's going to be a hard ride, and the music that you like sometimes gets too soft, so just put your headphones on for now and we'll see about playing your music later, OK?"

"OK." I put my headphones on.

We finally reached World Market, our site of the day. Robin and I both got out.

"Oh, no you don't!", I heard La Netta saying. "Put that thing back in!"

I heard the sound of liquid pouring. I looked and, sure enough, Robin had his schlong out. He was urinating in front of World Market. I could see his circumcised schlong.

"Robin!", said La Netta. "You know the sign for 'bathroom'. Just tell me you need to use the bathroom when you have to go, and I'll take you!"

I got Jolene's wheelchair out and we entered World Market. We started at the coffee. I saw some Pez dispensers, and one of them was Winnxe the Pooh!

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

I selected some caramel Torani after La Netta showed me the syrup. I also got some of those gummy candies that look like raspberries and blackberries, and some Jordan almonds

We left and spent some time in Old Navy. Then we went back to the van and drove from Concord to Martinez.

"Want to go in here?", asked La Netta. "They have some food."

I joined her for TJ Maxx with my mouth full of saliva.

I started choking, so La Netta took me to the restroom. I spat it all out, and after two minutes I came out.

La Netta showed me the food section of TJ Maxx in Martinez.. Was that cobwxb I saw?

"Eeeewwwwww!", I said. There was a pack of Halloween candy that had cobwxbs with a dipser on it. "Let's leave", I told La Netta.

We left the food section. "You're not into the Ed Hardy look?", asked La Netta.

"I'm not."

We left, and I headed back towards the van. The middle seat of the back row was covered with residue from Robin's corn chips, and a sandwich was sitting on the seat. I got back out.

"What are you getting out for?", asked La Netta. "Do you want to sit in the middle?"

"Yes", I said.

"Did they make a mxss back there?", asked Rosa.


"I mean, did they leave their stuff everywhere?"

"They did."

"Then you can sit in the middle."

We drove over to Pinole. When we got out, it was after 1:00 and we were at Fernandez Park.

"Why are we at Fernandez Park?", I asked.

"Because it was on the schedule", said La Netta.

"Why did you have to put Fernandez Park on my birthday?"

"You don't like Fernandez Park?"

"This place is crawling with cobvebs!"

"I knew Kennedy Grove had those, but I didn't know this place had that stuff. In the restrooms?"

"Over everything. Even over the Braille sign in the men's restroom."

"Well, I didn't know that", said La Netta. "Are you going to use the restroom?"

"Yes." With that I walked into the restroom and kept my exes open so I wouldn't bump into a cobwxb.

I purged off the dipser from the bag of food, then purged off the cobwxb. After that, I spent about thirty minutes on Winnxe the Pooh. I did Lita's "scxxt", then finally did "mxss".

At 1:46 we left the park. La Netta cleaned out the van and I got in the middle seat of the back row, flanked by Jolene and Robin, with my goodies.

At the end of the day I had a hug with La Netta for my birthday. "I'm sorry you heard those words, but now you have food that you got for your birthday", she said. It felt so good to hug La Netta, her wet warmth squeezed by my arms. I enjoyed embracing my friend.

When my staff got home, there was a package for me. I opened it.

Several nuts were in the package, along with a card signed by Mom, Dad, Elizabeth and Alex. The card showed a bespectacled turtle pointing to a blackboard, and was headed, "The Truth About Turning 30".

This is what it said:

The myth: Youth officially ends.
The reality: Denial officially begins.

The myth: Favorite music now "old-fashioned".
The reality: Favorite music now "retro".

The myth: No relief from effects of gravity.
The reality: Can you say "loose-fitting jeans?"

The myth: Fewer wild nights on the town.
The reality: But check out that Home Entertainment Center!

The myth: Still 25 at heart.
The reality: Still 25 on the Internet.

The myth: Success, fulfillment, and the respect of everyone who knows you -- even those annoying twenty-somethings!
The reality: Okay, I'll give you that one.

On the inside, it said, "30 looks great on you . . . and that's no myth! Happy birthday!", with the signatures.

On the back, the turtle said:

Hey, just think of 30 as "the new 20!"

Monday, September 7, 2009

Summer cleaning

So this week-end I finally got around to doing laundry. Stan had brought some cardboards, which I cut up and used to scrape out the washing machine, then I got to scraping it with the plastic container my frozen longans had come in. Soon I put in my first load.

When I came back in and the first load had finished, there was a program on TV. The television is in the living room, which is right next to the laundry room, so I could easily hear the television. As I lifted clothes out of the washer and placed them in front of the drier, the child on TV was introducing all her stuffed animals to the viewers. After she said all their names, she said, "Cutxe Pie's my favorite."

"Echhh!", I said. She has a stuffed animal called Cutxe Pie?

After I finished putting the next load of clothes into the washer and put in the detergent, I got the drier to go, put down the top of the washer and walked into the restroom.

"Kyadolutadolye adolee, kyadolutadolye adolee," I chanted.

After I got finished purging off "cutxe", I reëntered my room and waited for 50 minutes to pass.

I came back out and did more laundry. I put the clothes from the drier in my clean clothes bag, then moved the clothes that were in the washer into the drier, and stuffed the washer with some more lights.

Did I hear "cutxe" on my staff's ringtone?

"My head is going to explode!", I said.

My staff muted the television and replayed her ringtone for me. They did not say "cutxe". Thank God.

At 8:00 I asked for my egg rolls. I microwaved them and ate them, still not finished with my laundry.

About forty-five minutes later, I moved my laundry and had to ask my staff where the bleach was.

"It's on the top shelf", she said.

I looked at picked off a bottle. "Is this it?", I asked, bringing it out to her.

"No, that's not it", she said. "Let me get it." She got me the bleach. I poured it in with my last load of clothes, the ones with blood stains. Hopefully now I could get the blood stains out.

It was 11:00 when I finally brought all my clean clothes back into my room. That was a lot of trouble just to do laundry.

Getting off the Prozac

On Thursday was my appointment with Dr. Luburic. He asked me how I was doing, and I told him I was depressed. Inevitably, he asked why.

I told him I wasn't looking forward to my thirtieth birthday on the eighth. I was not ready to be a man in my thirties instead of a boy in my twenties. I would not be young anymore.

"Now, if I recall correctly, your musical that you're writing looks back at your high school years. You seem to have an attachment to those times. Is most of your creative work centered around those themes?"

"Quite a lot of it is", I replied. Then I elaborated: "Writing Angst has helped me come to terms with my own adolescence. I was scarred by that time. There were teachers who tried to socialize me into not purging."

"La Netta says James is holding in the words longer", said Stan. "It used to be that when a heard a word, he had to purge right now. Now he can hold it until he gets to a restroom. Is that right, James?"

"Well, if I hear the I-word or hear someone talking about pajamdras, I still have to purge it off immediately."

"You seem to spend more time asking if you heard those words", said Stan.

I also mentioned that La Netta said I was asking about purge words more and asking about the time more.

"Now I'm wondering", said Stan. "It seems you actually like purging. You say it's painful, but I don't know why you'd keep asking whether you heard those words if you didn't hear them. It's like you want to purge."

"Let me explain it", I said. "I'm so worried about the words that sometimes I hear them even when they're not said, and I have to ask to make sure I didn't hear them. If I can't figure out whether I heard a purge word or not, I have to purge anyway just to be on the safe side."

I told him I was considering phasing out the medication by taking it every other day.

Dr. Luburic said it was very bad, as my body would be adjusting to having it and then not having it.

"It's worse than quitting cold turkey?", I asked.

"No, cold turkey is the worst you can do."

Dr. Luburic asked if I had noticed any side effects of the medication.

"There's been a decrease in libido and interest in sex", I said. "Now it's harder for me to look at people and get turned on. There's been more of a decrease of hot feelings for boys than for girls".

"Let me get this straight", said Stan. "You're feeling a decrease in sexual feelings, for boys, but not for girls?"

"I'm feeling a decrease for both genders I said, but it's stronger for boys than it is for girls."

"Maybe you just like women more", said Stan. "You mind seems to be clearing up . . . maybe you're figuring out your true feelings."

"Now, are you in a relationship?", asked Dr. Luburic.

"No, I've never been in a relationship", I said. "And I've never had sex."

Dr. Luburic told me that I seemed to have gotten stuck in high school. "That's when people start having relationships, and start finding themselves, figuring out who they are. You never got to that level."

We got back to my loss of appetite. Stan said he had been monitoring my intake and I was eating as much as I always was. The loss of appetite seems to have abated, but I still haven't eaten that lasagna.

"Have you been weighing him?", asked Dr. Luburic.

"No, we haven't", said Stan.

"Well, we'll monitor his appetite and keep an exe on his weight", said Dr. Luburic.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I shrieked.

"He didn't say that word!", said Stan.

"I thought he did."

"What word would that be?", asked Dr. Luburic.

"The K & E words."

Dr. Luburic said he was going to recommend that I continued the liquid Prozac.

"The medicine is making me miserable", I said. "I'm going to quit."

"Fine", said Dr. Luburic. "Let me tell you the same thing I told you before, that if you quit, there may be side effects and worsening of compulsions."

As we left, I heard something that sounded like a "Whxxps" as a mother passed by with her toddler. "Did I hear the WH-word?", I asked.

"No," said Stan.

"It was just an 'oops', with the O-O?"

"You didn't hear anything."

"I heard it from that toddler over there."

"I think you're hallucinating, because no one said anything."

When I got home, I purged, then I went to bed. At around 4:00, my staff came in announcing she had my medicine.

"I'm not taking it anymore", I said.

"Stan says if you don't take it, there will be side effects," she said.

"I'm aware of that, but I've decided not to take it."

"Very well then", she said, and left.

A little while later, she brought me the phone. "It's Stan", she said.

I walked into the bathroom. "Hello?", I asked.

"James, you need to speak a little louder into the end," said Stan.


"Yes. James. i'm going to get you off the medicine, I promise you, but I'm going to speak to Dr. Luburic so we can do it the right way. I'll call him, but before I call him, just keep taking the medicine, OK?"


"Good-bye, I love you", he said.

"Good-bye, Stan Man."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A day I'll never forget

Today La Netta was off to attend her children's first day of school, so Donna was picking Robin and me up.

KBLX was playing. Traffic came on the radio. "Oh no, traffic!", I said.

Donna turned it off.

The traffic came to life as Donna herself got caught in a back-up. "Don't say the M-word!", I said.

"The M-word isn't on my mind", said Donna.

"I was just warning you ahead of time."

"It isn't ahead of time, because it's 8:14 now."

"I mean, I was warning you before you said the M-word."

After about twenty minutes, traffic came on again. "Oh no, traffic!"

"Don't you have your headphones?", asked Donna.

"I can't get them on in time", I said.

Traffic played after another twenty-or-so minutes, and then I heard a song on KBLX that sounded like it was saying the words "pxke around". I asked Donna if they said the P & A words, and Donna said no. I remembered the line "Sit yourself down in your car and take a ride".

"Can we please have Star 101.3?", I asked.

Donna didn't change the station.

They did traffic one more time.

Robin, Donna and I joined up with Wanda's group, and Wanda had Chris and Brandon.

As Chris got in the van, Wanda told Chris to "scxxt over".

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Sorry, James", said Wanda. "Slide over."

"I've been having this mxss since 9:15 now", said Donna.

"Did you say the M-word?", I asked Donna.

"Is the M-word 'mxss'?"


"Well, then I said it."

"Ewwwwwww! What were you talking about?"

"You know, I have so much on my mind that I don't even know what I was talking about."

"Were you talking about traffic?"


"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That was why you said the M-word?"

"No, that wasn't why I said the M-word."

"You were talking about at 9:15, weren't you?"

"That isn't why I said 'mxss'?"

"Why did you say it?"

"It just slipped."

"I mean what were you talking about when you said it?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you talking about somebody's room being an M-word? Were you talking about someone giving you the M-word . . .?"

"I just said it because I have mxss on my mind!"


"Now, stop asking me about it because I'm going to keep saying 'mxss'!"

We drove to a park, then headed on to Wal-mart together.

"Donna, you like The Light, right?", I asked.

"What light?", she asked.

"The gospel station The Light."

"I sure do. You like that one?"

"Could we listen to The Light instead of KBLX?"


And so we turned The Light on. Soon we got to Wal-mart.

As we parked, Wanda said, "Now, Donna, you keep your exe on that car over there."

"Ewwwwwwww!", I said.

"What's wrong?", asked Wanda.

"You said the K & E words."

"What are the K & E words?"

"Keep an . . .", then I pointed to my right exe, and finished "on".

"Oh. Sorry James."

I started out with the Wal-mart restroom. I purged off the SC-word, then I did all the M-words. Finally, I did "keep your exe on". The other clients were taking a long time, which gave me plenty of time to purge. But then Wanda was calling my name. I bought time by telling Wanda I needed to wash my hands. I finally finished off purging off the K & E words and was ready to go.

Chris kept saying hi to me. He touched my hands with his hands the way Robert does.

"That boy keeps violating people!", said one of the coaches.

When we got to the Hawaiian punches, I wanted to leave the cart to reach them, but Chris had a grip on me.

"Chris, let go of James!", said one of the coaches.

While we were in the check-out, one of the coaches said, "I think I'll get me an ice xxxxx sandwich."

"Blechhh!", I said.

"Sorry, James! Do you have anything against M & M's?"


As we got out, one of the coaches said, "That man don't be a mxss now."

"Ewwwww!", I said.

"Scxxt over!", Wanda said as the clients were getting in the van.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Scxxt over!"


"Sorry, James."

Soon I found the radio on 1550 AM.

"You're listening to 1550 AM, KFRC?", I asked Donna. "I love that station!"

I listened to such songs as "Uptight" by Stevie Wonder, but soon I heard a commercial that sounded as if it said either "txsty" or "HD".

Trying hard to hold "txsty" and "ice xxxxx" in, I sat in the back as the coaches erove over to the office.

I went in the office and rubble-cleared all the "nice"s (like the cashier's "Have a nice day", to which I replied, "I'll try!", and then purged off "txsty", and then "ice xxxxx".

Donna knocked at the door and said we were ready to leave.

I got in the van, and Ken turned off the radio just as I heard a woman's voice. Did she say the M-word?

"Got it, James", said Ken.

"Climb over", Wanda told a client.

"Scxxt over!", said Donna.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"I said, 'Climb over'", said Wanda. "I didn't say 'scxxt'."

"Donna said it", I explained to Wanda.

"That word just comes naturally to me", Donna said.

Donna turned the radio back on and it was KBLX.

"Hey, Ken, when you turned it off was it doing a commercial or was it traffic?"

Ken didn't answer.

"Hey, Ken?", I asked.

"Yeah?", replied Ken.

I repeated the question. Still no answer.

"Donna, Ken won't answer my question", I said.

"Ken, why don't you answer James' question?", asked Donna.

"All right", Ken said.

"Ken, when you were turning the radio off, was it a commercial or was it traffic?"

"It was just playing a song."

"Oh, OK. Thanks." Whew.

"Owwwwwwwww!", squealed Jolene. "Robin hit me."

"I'm sure Robin isn't doing it on purpose," the coach said.

Robin hit Jolene a few more times, and she continued to squeal in pain.

We were trying to decide where to go for lunch. Donna said she'd take me to get Chinese food, and I took up her offer. "Jolene, do you like tacos?", a coach asked Jolene.

"I llllllove tacos", Jolene said. "Tacos are my favorite."

I walked into Chef's, where I ordered in Spanish. The lady didn't understand me, so I ordered my chow mein, sesame chicken and mixed vegetables with tofu in English. Then I felt around with my eyes closed and took my plastic silverware out.

The next stop was Burger King. The rest of them actually ate lunch inside Burger King, which gave me a lot of time to purge. I got all four "scxxt"s, then did the "mxss".

It was soon time for drops. Wanda took Chris and Brandon out of the van at the office and they said their good-byes to Donna. Now Donna just had Jolene, Ken, Robin and me.

"Owwwwwwwwww!", yelled Jolene. "Stop hitting me!"

"I'm sure Robin's not doing it on purpose", said Donna.

"Oh, Robin attacks her on purpose a lot", I said. "He hits her, and he head-butts her, and he strangles her . . ."

Robin hit Jolene again.


Then Robin head-butted her.


Before long, Robin was right next to Jolene and attacking her.

I asked for The Light while KBLX was down, and Donna soon turned to the aforementioned station, which was playing commercials.

As soon as the commercials ended, a man began speaking in Spanish.

"I don't understand this", said Donna.

"?No habla usted EspaƱol?", I asked.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't speak Spanish."

"I don't."

Neither did the woman in Chef's.

"Can we have 1550 AM then?"

"How about I just turn it off?"


We soon arrived at my house. She gave my my Chinese food, and we got the juices from the back.

I googled the lyrics "Sit yourself down in your car and take a ride". It turned out they were from the song "Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin. And she said "funky dance". I could eat my Chinese food now.