Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bernanza!

On Thursday, Stan told me he was going to take me along with the other clients to do Christmas shopping. He had given us all Christmas money this year to go shopping for trinkets of joy -- video games, clothes, whatever we wanted.

Aaron and Bernard, the two Pokémon fanatics (now that Charles had stopped playing Pokémon) , shared a row together while Stan drove. They started engaging in horseplay together.

"Aaron!", said Bernard. "You're going to pxke my exe out!"

"Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!", I said.

"You won't believe this. Aaron's trying to pxke my eyes out!"

"Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!", I repeated.

Aaron whispered something to Bernard. Something along the lines of "James doesn't like it."

Aaron and Bernard began chatting about Pokémon. They had a Pokémon battle, pitting against each other creatures whose names I had never heard of.

Finally Stan stopped at Wal-mart, in front of which we all got out. I had told Stan that I wanted liqueur cake and some cranberry juice from Big Lots.

We stopped in the clothing section of Wal-mart, headed there to buy some socks and underwear.

"I can get some pajxmxs here", said Charles. He pronounced it the way La Netta does.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. Then I said, "Hey Stan, is this the pajamdra section?"

"You can stay over there", said Stan.

Carl, the new guy at our house with curly brown hair and glasses, said, "That's either pie or ice xxxxx, but this is clearly . . ."

"Blechhh!", I said.

Did I hear a woman in the store saying "pxking around?"

"Hey Stan Man," I asked. "Did that woman say the P & A words?"

"No, she didn't", Stan replied.

"Can we visit the restroom here?"

"Why?", asked Stan.

"I heard the P-word and the I-word."

"James, do you want to go shopping? When you get home you can do all the purging you want."

Holding them both in drove me crazy. I would try spelling out the I-word (I-C-E-C-R . . .) in my head and then have to think the spelling backwards (meh a e rah eess e eess i), and even think "ice xxxxx head" to myself. And, of course, I had to avoid thinking "pajxmx" to rhyme with "Alabama".

Stan then took me to the juice section, where I picked out two bottles of cranberry juice.

As we stood in the check-out line, a mother was having a battle with her tot.

"If you let your child win now, they've won for ever", Carl told her. "If your child is winning at 1, they've always won. Conversely, if your child reaches the age of 15 without asserting themselves, they'll never assert themselves."

We packed up and visited a sports attire store. Bernard spoke passionately about his Pokémon games.

"You know Charles", said Carl, "I don't see how someone as cool as you could have a brother like Bernard."

Carl shifted to other topics. "Simpson and Hilton are one", he said.

"Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton?", I asked.

"Yes," said Carl. "They're the same person."

We got back in the van. "Scxxt over!", said Charles.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

Aaron continued to jab and stab at Bernard, Jason and other clients.

"Aaron!", said Stan, "Keep your hands to yourself!"

"Sorry!", said Aaron.

Bernard talked more about his Pokéjunk.

"You know", said Carl, "I believe Clefairy is really Barbra Streisand. They're one and the same."

Then came Game Stop. Bernard was now in for a "Bernanza". He picked out video game after video game from the shelves while I kept my eyes closed and stood in a corner. Aaron had a lot to purchase too.

Aaron told me Stan would let me stand outside to prevent me from hearing any more words. After standing outside and listening to old school playing from another store, Stan was ready to drive us all home, where I could purge off all the words.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

War Is Over

On Wednesday, La Netta picked only Jolene, Robin and me up. We stopped by the office, where Jolene changed herself, then were ready to drive into Oakland.

After hitting the freeway, we stopped at East Oakland where the Christmas party was held. "James, put the headphones under the seat or somewhere so someone don't see them and try to break into our car", said La Netta.

"Is this a bad area?", I asked.

"Yes."

I slid the headphones under the seat. Then I walked out with La Netta and lifted Jolene's wheelchair.

As we walked in, I looked around me to avoid touching a plant. I saw a Jack-in-the-box sign that said "ICE XXXXX SHXKES" just before I walked into the Christmas party building and said "Blechhh".

I purged in the restroom then came out. We got seated in the main room as clients and coaches prepared for the Christmas play. Schedules were passed out. I got to see my name printed at the beginning: SOLO BY James Landau ----- War Is Over.

"James, you might not want to watch the play", said La Netta, "Because some of the people--"

"Are wearing their pajamdras?", I asked.

"Yes", said La Netta.

"I guessed it!", I said. I kept my eyes closed as the performance began.

"We're going to start out with some singing", said Lita. "First it's going to be James Landau. James, are you ready?"

"I am", I said. I covered the side of my head and followed a path from my chair to the microphone.

"James Landau with 'War Is Over'," said Lita.

I began singing:

So this is Christmas
And what have we done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun

I went on with the song like this while everyone watched me sing. I kept my eyes closed as I held the microphone to my mouth, making sure I wouldn't see the pajamdras-wearers onstage.

I changed the words in the second verse to reflect the ethnic makeup on CIWP:

And so this is Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and brown ones
Gold and olive won't fight

I sang the third verse and the chorus, and then finished off with:

War is over
If you want it
War is over
Nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I got a standing ovation, with Tiffany calling out from the audience to say, "That was great, James!" I thanked Tiffany personally.

"Our Santa Claus is delayed," said Lita. "And we can't have our play without Santa." David Squibb was supposed to play Santa. "So we'll have some more people singing. What song do you want to sing?"

"'Jingle Bell Rock'!", one client said.

"We'll already be doing 'Jingle Bell Rock'," said Lita.

"'Jingle Bells'!", said another.

"'Jingle Bell Rock', 'Jingle Bells' . . . anything else?"

"'Feliz Navidad!'," someone suggested.

So the coaches sang "Feliz Navidad".

Then it was Urdell Harris' turn. He was slated to sing, but still couldn't decide what song he wanted to do.

"Iust sing anything", said Lita. "The first song that comes to mind. Like when you're leaving a message on the CIWP answering machine."

And then, Urdell broke out into a performance of "Love Me Tender!" He sang the Elvis song all the way through, the audience laughing and cheering. They cheered him at the end.

Then it was Jolene's turn to sing. "Jolene Kallaus is going to sing 'O Come All Ye Faithful'," said Lita. "Are you ready to sing, Jolene?"

"No!", said Jolene. "I don't want to sing!"

"Maybe if we sing, she'll join us", said Lita. "O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant . . ."

Jolene simply didn't join in. Sigh.

They did one more song, then David Squibb arrived. We had our Santa Claus. The cameras were turned off and they prepared for the play.

Then they brought out the food.

"You better cover your eyes and your ears, because they're going to be serving the I-word!", said Darnell. My sunglasses fell to the floor as I tried to cover my ears and eyes. I picked them up, then walked out, then walked back.

"Get these in here for shxppin'", said Tiffany. I began to pick at my navel.

"Are you purging, James?", asked Darnell.

"I'm picking my navel", I answered.

"Then could you go in the restroom to do that? We're eating."

So I left until I had finished purging off "shxpping". When I got back they were performing The Night Before Christmas.

"'Twas the night before Christmas", Lita narrated, "When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the mouse."

After several more lines, she had "Santa" come in.

"And called them by name", Lita narrated.

"Come Dasher, come Dan-- no," David said. "On, Dancer, on Donner . . . on Dancer, on Dasher", he stumbled.

Finally he got it right. David played Santa for several more lines, and shouted "Ho ho ho!"

When the play was over, the videocameras were turned off again. Twelve coaches were lined up to sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas":

On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree

When the woman who was supposed to sing "Four calling birds" came up, she said she didn't know the line.

Then came Tiffany: "Fiiive gooooooooolden riiiiings!"

Several lines were screwed up for the rest of the play, but Tiffany's "five golden rings" marked every verse. At the end, they all sang "A partridge in a pear tree" together.

"Tiffany", I said, "My favorite part was when you sang, 'Five golden rings'."

"Thanks, James", said Tiffany. "You were my favorite part too."

I stood outside as they ate and talked with other clients. Then I heard my name being called.

I saw green, meshy pants. Light green pants with stuff on them as I made my way to the source of the voice. Oh, no! These must be pajamdras!

I picked up a bag with my present in it as David said, "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

I purged off the pajamdras, then left with La Netta and Jolene.

"Oh, it's wrapped up!", I said when I tried to pull my present out of my bag.

"You're going to like it", said La Netta.

When she drove me home, I found two pairs of sunglasses and some new headphone batteries in my bag. Merry Christmas.

Full for the holidays

On Friday, we didn't get to go to Big Lots even though it was on our schedule because I was placed with Tiffany's group (Tully, Baby Shawn, Robin). So I asked Rosa if we could change our schedule to Big Lots.

She checked the schedule at the office and discovered we had FoodMax, which I had thought was on Tuesday. I told her we'd go to FoodMax.

Once we drove over there, Rosa asked me, "Do you want to go to FoodMax or Big Lots?"

"Well", I said, "Since we're in front of FoodMax, let's go in."

"We're in front of Big Lots too. They're right next to each other."

"Then we can go to both!"

I told her I was looking for my lemon meringue pie at FoodMax, and a liqueur cake and cranberry juice at Big Lots.

As we walked towards FoodMax, I looked around me to avoid touching a tree and noticed a girl wearing pink pants with stuff on them.

"Is that girl wearing her pajamdras?", I asked Rosa.

"I don't think so", Rosa said. "It's too late in the day."

We looked at their selection of pies, but there was no lemon meringue.

A little later, Rosa took us into the bakery, and I found my lemon meringue pie. Rosa, meanwhile, was into their wrapping paper.

After I bought my pie and she bought her wrapping paper, we put our goodies into the van and headed out to Big Lots.

Rosa looked for the holiday section. She showed me a rack filled with holiday stuff (like chocolate Santas) but no liqueur cakes. I saw a Santa wxnking. His left exe was closed upside-down. Double purge.

And just as I came to slice it with my nail, I heard a woman say to the person she was with, "I'll keep my exe on you."

"Eeewwwwww!", I said with a jump.

"She didn't know", Rosa said as I sliced the Santa exe.

We looked for a different section, and soon we found a section stocked with cookies, cakes and crackers.

I found an amaretto liqueur cake, and gave it to Jolene to hold.

"Is that the only one?", Rosa asked.

I looked for others. Then Jolene saw Wheat Thins.

"You like Wheat Thins?", asked Rosa.

"Wheat Thins are my favorite cracker", said Jolene.

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"My favorite!"

I had looked at everything and seen no more liqueur cakes.

Jolene was hungry.

"You can't eat his cake", said Rosa.

Then I saw the word "Dipser-man" on a crate. I didn't see the distinctive cobwxb pattern, but I saw red and blue. Was I seeing Dipser-man or not?

Rosa got in line, then I asked, "They didn't have any cranberry juice?"

"Oh, the cranberry juice!", said Rosa. "I forgot!"

I didn't find any big bottles of cranberry juice of the type they had at the Hercules Big Lots, but I did find two bottles of pomegranate açaí juice, half a gallon each.

After we bought them, Rosa said I could go to Chef's. Then she said she was stopping by FoodsCo, so she could run by Taco Bell instead.

"I want a taco!", said Jolene.

"Well," I said, "I don't have the money for Chef's, so let's go to Taco Bell."

"I want a taco!"

"Don't worry, Jolene. I'll get you one."

We stopped in front of Taco Bell, and I ordered three soft-shell tacos and a quesadilla.

We drove to Miller's Knots, and Jolene couldn't hold it in, so we let her go to the bathroom first.

Afterwards, she ambled via walker back to the van and I got out the taco just for her. I watched her eat it, then went to the restroom to purge.

I took several minutes' worth of rubble-clearing to deal with all those /ai/ sounds. Then I did piercing rituals to get Santa's wxnking exe out of me. That took a long time, and the "keep madoly adolye on" added even more minutes to my restroom time. Next, I pourged off the pajamdras, just in case they really were pajamdras, and finished off with Dipser-man.

When I got finished, the radio was playing Christmas carols, set at KOIT. Jolene changed herself a second time, then Rosa dropped Rodney and me off in no time. I brought all my food in and was ready to eat my two tacos and quesadilla.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas carols for the psychologically disturbed

A classic I first posted in 2009. An old Internet circulator with several new ones added by yours truly. Enjoy!

Old ones:

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoia --- Santa Claus Is Coming.... to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Full Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House



Now, some new ones:

Depression --- Oh What a Christmas to Have the Blues

ADD --- Joy to the . . . Hey, Let's Go Play Some GTA 3000

Antisocial Personality Disorder --- You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Sociopathy --- It's the Most Wonderful Crime of the Year

Autism --- Rocking Back and Forth Around the Christmas Tree

Dyslexia --- Here Comes Satan Claus

Tourette's Syndrome --- I Saw Three SHIT!

Asperger's --- On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, which is the twelfth day counting from December 25 as in ancient traditions, Christians celebrated Epiphany, which had its origins in the Eastern Christian churches, and was developed to celebrate the incarnation of Jesus Christ, and was the date of the miracle at the wedding at Cana in Galilee . . . the Wedding of Cana, which is reported in the Gospel of John but not in any of the Synoptic Gospels, entails Jesus and the Apostles attending a wedding for the rite of purification, whereat they depleted their supply of wedding wine, and Jesus did not give up but ordered the servants to fill the barrels, which had now been emptied of wine, with water, and John tasted the water, knowing instantly that it had been converted via miracle by Jesus, which divagates from the Judaean tradition of serving the best wine first because this transformed best wine was served after the original wine had been depleted, thus revealing the glory of Jesus Christ to Christians everywhere and forming his first documented miracle . . . this happened after Jesus told Nathaniel that "You shall see greater things than that", and consequently Christians see this as an example of a prophecy and state that these events are echoic of the parable in Luke 5:37-39 of new wine into old wineskins, whereas skeptics believe that John fabricated the events in an attempt to win believers in Jesus . . .

Pica --- Let's Eat Snow, Let's Eat Snow, Let's Eat Snow

Phobia --- The Weather Outside Is Frightful. Very Frightful.

Seasonal Affective Disorder --- The Weather Outside Is Depressing

Schizoid Personality Disorder --- Frosty as a Snowman

Schizotypal Personality Disorder --- Up on the Housetop Landed Some Grey Aliens Who Abducted Me . . .

Oppositional Defiant Disorder -- NO! NO! NO! I Wouldn't Go!

Histrionic Personality Disorder --- Have Yourself the Most Wonderful Terrific Excellent Super Awesome Radically Jolting Good Christmas in the World EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder --- On the First Noel . . . NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!11!!!1!1

Pedophilia --- Stroke the Little Drummer Boy

Hebephrenia --- Jolly Young St. Nicholas

Trichotillomania -- Who Very Soon Will Come Here Now, Santa Very Soon Will Come Here Now, Eight Little Reindeer Pull Their Brows, Santa's Little Reindeer Pull Their Brows, Come Here Now, Pull Their Brows, Special Night, Beard That's Torn, Must Be Santa, Must Be Santa, Must Be Santa, Santa Claus

Hyperlexia --- Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Fröhliche Weihnachten, Buon Natale, Kurisumasu Omedeto, Mo'adim Lesimkha, Eftihismena Christougenna, Sheng Tan Kuai Loh, Feliz Natal, Prettige Kerstdagen, God Jul, Glaedelig Jul, Gledelig Jul, Wesolych Swiat, Khristos Razdayetsya, Shub Christu Jayanti, Milad Majid, Selamat Hari Natal, Sung Tan Chuk Ha, Maligayamg Pasko, Nollaig Shona Dhuit, Ewadee Pe-e Mai, Heri ya Krismasi, Hauskaa Joulua, Mele Kalikimaka, Gajan Kristnaskon . . .

Bush Derangement Syndrome --- Born Is the King Supporting Israel Who Must Be Impeached NOW!

Synaesthesia (technically not a disorder, but . . .) --- Do You Hear What I See?

Logaesthesia -- Santa Cutxe

Sunday, December 20, 2009

I now have as many posts in 2009 as I did in 2008

184 posts! Yay!

Stan had told me Tuesday he would bring me money. Now it was Wednesday morning and he still hadn't come over to my house. "Santina", I said. "Has Stan come over to bring me money?"

"He called me," Santina said. "He says you spent it."

I spent it? Of course I spent it, that's why I'm asking for more! But Santina said he meant I spent it all.

"But the book says I have $90 left!", I objected.

"Then he'll bring it to you at program."

I came out at 7:33 and Santina said, "There's nothing I can do for you, James."

"May I have breakfast?", I asked.

"A chimichanga?", she said. "Sure, go get you one!"

So I ate my chimichanga. It was delectable, but I was still worried about my money.

At 8:00, I picked up the portable phone and called Stan.

"Yes?", Stan asked.

"Stan Man?", I said.

"What can I do for you?"

"The last time I looked at my book, I had $90 left in the safe."

"OK, so you have $90 left."

"Santina says I spent it all."

"She doesn't know."

"But I told her I needed money, and she said you said I spent it all."

"She doesn't know. I was talking about someone else. I was talking about Bernard."

"Oh."

"Why didn't you tell me you needed 20 more dollars yesterday?"

"When I got home from program yesterday I said, 'I need more money', and you said, 'OK'."

"That you did. That you did. Well, I'll give your $20 to La Netta when she picks up Ken."

"All right, great!"

"See you, James!"

"See you, Stan!"

I walked up to Santina. "Santina, Stan said he's going to bring $20 to La Netta when she gets to Ken's house."

"OK, that's good. It worked out."

"Stan says that when he told you, 'He spent it all', he was referring to Bernard."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Shortly afterwards, La Netta's van arrived.

I had intestinal pains on our way to Jolene's house, so when we finally got to the office I was relieved. I defecated then washed my hands with soap.

When I came out, Lita asked what was up.

"I've got $20", I said.

"Is it burning a hole in your pocket?", she asked.

"It is. We're going to Grocery Outlet today!"

"Oh, that's a good place. I'll have to go there sometime. Do you listen to Christmas music?"

"Well, when they play it in the van, I don't put my headphones on."

"So you wouldn't mind if I played a Christmas CD?"

"I wouldn't."

She put the CD on the CD player and I began singing along with "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

"Do you want to sing a solo in the Christmas play?", asked Lita.

"I might," I replied.

"What song would you sing?"

"How about 'War Is Over'?"

"Sing it."

"So this is Christmas", I started.

"John Lennon."

"Yep. And what have we done? . . . Another year over, and a new one just begun . . . And so merry Christmas, I hope you have fun . . . The near and the dear ones, the old and the young."

"I like that one", said Lita.

A little later, Lita called me into her office. She asked if I wanted to narrate at their performance of "The Night Before Christmas."

"I don't want to narrate 'The Night Before Christmas'," I said.

"OK, there are a lot of words in it", said Lita.

"I'll just sing", I said.

"All right!"

Rosa called me to the van, and we we ready to go. "Move over, Shawn", she said after Shawn clambered into the van. "Move over Rodney. Scxxt -- er, move over."

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

After we all settled, Rosa went to the back then went to the Metro PCS store.

Finally, it was time for Grocery Outlet. Last week, I had been disappointed because I didn't get to go the Grocery Outlet even though the store in Berkeley was on our schedule. This week, we revised our schedule to go to the one in San Pablo.

First Rosa got out, taking Rodney and Ken with her.

Shawn began yelling. I hoped he wasn't saying, "Xck".

"Oh, look, Jolene's asleep!", said La Netta.

And so she was. Jolene had fallen asleep in the middle row. Her head was lying back on the seat. Meanwhile, Baby Shawn kept on screaming.

Finally Snodgrass stamped his feet. He shook the van as he stamped. And he was still yelling.

"My EAR!", shouted Jolene.

"Shawn, you woke Jolene up!", said La Netta.

Then Rosa came back, and La Netta took me in.

I picked up a Swiss cheese and a bologna pack. La Netta and I discussed what she was going to have for Christmas dinner as we looked at the hams in the deli section.

"War Is Over" played on the grocery store Intercom.

"There's that song!", I said.

Before long, we were at the frozen food, where I picked up four piroshkis for $5.00.

I thought I was done shopping, but then La Netta noticed something special. She saw a giant box of four Jones soda bottles, labeled "Happy Chanukah Pack". "You bet it's kosher!", it said. It came with a dreidel inside. The bottles were flavored "latke", "apple sauce", "chocolate coins" and "jelly doughnut." On the side panel were the Twelve Tribes of Israel.

After I was done looking, I decided to buy it.

I paid my $10.99, La Netta inspected my dollar bills and folded them up, I put the dollar bills in my sandwich bag, and we were out the door.

I told Rosa what we had gotten. She said Baby Shawn had been screaming all the time we were in the store.

"He hurts my ear!", said Jolene.

"What did he say that sounded like, 'Eeeeeeeeeek'?, I asked Rosa.

"The 'Xxxxxxxck' thing? Maybe it was "Xck", said Rosa. "He says, 'Xkhhhh' when he eats something that doesn't taste good."

Now I would have to purge both the "scxxt" and the "xck" off.

Finally we made it to Jack-in-the-box, where Rosa got lunch, and then Aquatic Park. We had a conversation about World War I, the War on Iraq, and the motivation behind those wars (opiates). I purged at Aquatic Park, then took my pill.

Next, came the drive home. I was thinking I could call it a day, with no more purging, but then . . .

Rosa talked about doing a dance, and she said "jxggle". I growled, and couldn't wait to get home to purge.

Then she talked about going shopping and buying Twxnkies. She said the word "Twxnkies" about three times total.

Finally, I thought I heard "scxxt up".

"Did she say, 'screwed up'?", I asked La Netta.

La Netta continued talking to Rosa.

"Did she say, 'screwed up'?"

La Netta continued talking to Rosa.

"Did she say, 'screwed up'?"

"She saod, 'pulling up'," said La Netta.

"She didn't say 'pull'. It was either 'screwed' or the SC-word."

When I went home, I purged off the three "Twxnkies"es. Then I purged off "jxggle". Finally, I did "scxxt up".

Oh, and one more thing. When I walked out of my room to freeze my piroshkis, Jason had already changed into his pajamdras at 3:00 p.m. Blechhh.

Shawn and the schlong

On Tuesday Jolene's house provided her with money -- about $6 -- when we picked her up.

"What would you like to eat, Jolene?", La Netta asked her.

"A taco", said Jolene.

"All right, we'll get that", said La Netta.

"So I guess that means we're going to Taco Bell today?", I asked.

"I guess so."

By then, we needed to pick up our new van while the other went for servicing, so we all climbed out of one van and made it to the other.

"Ah! Let me see if I can scxxt this seat up!", said Darnell as we moved into the new van.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I said.

Once La Netta was in, we drove over to Fireside.

"Is there a restroom here, Darnell?", I asked.

"No, James", said Darnell.

"I thought we were at Firestone."

"We're not."

La Netta went in while the rest of us stayed in the van. Eventually she came out.

We would spend all our site-visiting time at Hilltop Mall since it was nearby. Before the group went in together, we waited for Tiffany to pick up Emanuel and drop him off in Berkeley.

"I'm going to go into Chic while we're waiting", said La Netta.

"I'll come with you", I said.

I accidentally saw Ken with his cellphone open. "Is it 10:18?", I asked.

"10:02", said La Netta.

"Whew."

I expected Chic to be a beauty supply store . . . but it turned out to be a shoe store.

A rap song played in Chic. "Did they say, 'WH, sorry'?", I asked.

"No, James", said La Netta.

"It's 'Oops'?"

"Yes."

I had to ask La Netta whether she said the P & A words.

"It's 'Talk you down'," said La Netta.

". . . you look mxss", the lyrics sang.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"What's the matter?", asked La Netta.

"The song sang, 'You look M-word."

"Oh."

A little later . . . "Did they say the C-word?", I asked.

"No, James."

When we finally got out of there, I said, "I don't like that song."

"'Talk You Down'?", asked La Netta.

"Yeah. Do you like it?"

"This is my first time hearing it."

"Mine too."

We were all ready to leave the van for Hilltop Mall together now. I accidentally saw Ken's cellphone again.

"You got your cellphone out, Ken?", I asked.

"Yep", said Ken.

"I hope it doesn't say 10:18."

"Let me look . . . it's 10:28", said La Netta.

"Whew," I said.

We started out with the restroom, where I purged off "scxxt" and "mxss". Next we toured an athletic clothing store that was playing rap.

After the rap song finished, a commercial came on that said, " . . . all shxpped to your door." I started picking my navel.

La Netta and Darnell, meanwhile, were looking at basketball shoes. Another rap song played, and I finished up with my navel-purging.

Then an employee came over. He started making La Netta an offer. "I can shxp it to your door", he said. Back to the navel!

A rap song advertising "Sweet Tart the Magnificent" came on. Did it say "txsty"?

"Did that song say the T-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No, it didn't", she said.

We went into another store with rap playing while La Netta shopped for more clothes as Christmas presents.

One of the songs said, "Got my exe on you".

"EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!", I shouted.

After we left that place, La Netta and the group found a place to sit down. Jolene started in on a cheese snack from her lunch. "Can we go to the restroom?", I asked.

"As soon as Jolene's done", said La Netta.

My mouth filled up with saliva.

Darnell spoke on his cellphone, and I pointed to my wrist.

"James, what do you want?", asked Darnell.

I pointed to my wrist and made a circle for a watch.

"You want the time?", he asked.

I nodded.

"James, I'm on the phone! Ken can tell you the time."

Jolene finished her lunch, and I walked up to La Netta and pointed to my mouth.

"OK, I'll take you into Macy's", said La Netta.

So La Netta took me into Macy's. After I made it into the restroom, I emptied my mouth in a toilet. Then I unbuttoned my pants and began rubble-clearing with a lot of "adolye"s. Next, I did "got my exe on": "got madoly adolye on, got madoly adolye on".

After that, I did "txsty" (La Netta says he didn't say it, but I can't imagine what else the rapper could have been saying) and washed my hands. I was ready to go.

"Are we going to go into any more stores where rap is playing?", I asked La Netta.

"I don't think so", she said.

Finally we stopped at Tokyo Grill, which sold teriyaki bowls. I had $5.70 and some pennies on me, so I asked La Netta what was available for my amount of money. She said for $5.49, I could get a beef teriyaki bowl.

I ordered one, and the employee told me it was $6.03.

"I don't have that much money", I said.

I told La Netta, and she gave me two quarters out of the loose change area in her purse. I came back and ordered it.

"I want that!", said Jolene. "I'm hungry! I want one!"

Instead of going to Taco Bell, La Netta went back into the van and went back in so Jolene could buy her teriyaki bowl.

"I need a frok! I need a frok!", Jolene kept saying.

"They put one in your bag", said La Netta.

Once we got back in the van, I asked La Netta to untie my bag and take the plastic silverware out. She did, then returned the bag to me.

We then drove to our lunch site. I said I needed to get out, and La Netta said she didn't know why. Jolene dug in on that chicken teriyaki bowl. La Netta ate hers too, but couldn't finish it.

When La Netta got out, I did some "fadorork, fadorork" in the back, then I asked for my pill.

I got in the middle row and spoke to Jolene.

"Did you enjoy your teriyaki chicken meal?", I asked Jolene.

"I did", she said.

As we dug deeper into the conversation, Jolene said that she had gotten married.

"To Hank?", I asked.

"Yes", she said.

"That's great!", I said. "I'm so happy for you!"

La Netta came back. "Guess what", I told La Netta. "Jolene finally got married to Hank!"

"Oh, that's super!", said La Netta.

La Netta then split the drops. She would take Jolene and Ken in the van that was now ready, while Darnell would have Shawn, Rodney and me.

I said good-bye to my friends Jolene, Ken and La Netta, while Darnell turned on Alice and left his three guys in the back row.

"Does anyone want to get in the middle?", asked Darnell. "James?"

"I don't", I said.

"Rodney, get in the middle!", Darnell said. "Get in there!"

He drove off.

Shawn began molesting me, as I was in the middle seat of the back row and he was on the left. He stroked my schlong. He started rhythmically oscillating it, as if inviting me to an act of mutual masturbation. It culminated when Baby Shawn bent his head down and bit the glans of my penis!

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"What happened?", asked Darnell.

"Shawn has his hands down my pants!", I said.

"Shawn! You leave James alone!", said Darnell. "Why don't you scxxt over . . ."

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"MOVE over, so Shawn won't be able to touch you?"

I moved. A little while later . . .

"Hands out!", I yelled.

"What did you say?", asked Darnell.

"Hands out!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I was talking to Shawn."

"Shawn, you better get your hands out. That's why I asked you if you wanted to move to the middle, since Shawn's going to keep violating you. Do you want to get violated?"

"Well, I don't want to move to the middle."

Darnell stopped at a park to use the restroom.

"I'm going to the restroom", I said.

"You stay in", said Darnell. "You're going to purge when you get home, since I need to get Shawn home."

Darnell dropped off Baby Shawn, then took Rodney and me home.

I told Stan, "I need more money". Then I porged off "scxxt over", and finally, finally, was able to eat my teriyaki bowl.

Gettin' my hair cut like Kurt's

The morning of Saturday, December 12, Stan called me on the cellphone. "James, do you still want to get your hair cut?", he asked.

"I do", I replied.

"Then I'll take you today. I'll be at your house in 10 minutes, the most."

So I waited in my room for Stan. I turned the computer off. I got back in bed.

Stan came. I got in the van with him, carrying my Kurt Cobain pocture. Several other clients were there, all ready to get their haircuts at the same hairdresser's.

I listened to the Scandinavian- or German-sounding dance music as I sat in my chair. It was easy to avoid listening to the lyrics, something I usually can't avoid.

"Hey, James, what did you do today?", asked Aaron.

"Not much," I said. "I just got up."

"Well, what did you do Friday?", Aaron asked. Aaron was two seats away from me.

"Aaron, leave James alone", said Stan.

I answered Aaron's question. "We went to Taco Bell", I said.

"You can scxxt next to him", said Stan.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"My bad", said Stan. "You can move next to him."

It was finally my turn. I took my sunglasses off in the middle of the cut. With the Kurt Cobain picture in hand, my hairdresser cut my hair clump by clump. Then she trimmed my sideburns.

I took a look in the mirror. It was much shorter. MUCH shorter. But now it wouldn't dangle in front of my mouth when I ate.

Aaron, Bernard and Charles all had their turns. Stan told me my haircut looked great.

I thought several variations on "scxxt" when I got home. "Scxxt over", "scxxt by", "scxxt up", "scxxt back". I spelled it out: S-C-O . . .

When I finally got home I stood up in my room and unbuttoned my pants. "Scadoloot over, scadoloot over, scadoloot by . . ." I purged like crazy all the "scxxt"s that had accumulated in my head.

Finally, I did "scxxt next to him". It tasted carroty and hard, like a building block. But I felt relieved to be finally able to eat a chimichanga.

The day I ate inside Taco Bell

On Friday, December 11, Darnell drove me to the office during pick-ups, while the batteries in my headphones were dead.

"Commercial break!", I told him when commercials came on on the radio.

But Darnell said, "James, I want to listen to them."

I continued to suffer through all the commercials, until one of them said "pajxmx sets". Unfortunately, the speaker pronounced it to rhyme with "Alabama" instead of "llama", and it was in the singular. This meant my purge was going to be long.

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What's wrong?", asked Darnell.

"Didn't you hear the commercial?"

"No."

"It said, 'P-word sets'."

"Oh no! Well, feel free to purge."

So I began my purge ritual. I started out by thinking, "Amaazhdap", then I thought "amahzhdap"s and "zamaazhdap"s and "zamahzhdap"s. It seemed to take forever to get it right, but eventually I was ready to start the actual thrusts.

I purged as we completed pick-ups, and had still not finished by the time we got to the office.

When I got out at the office, I saw Emanuel.

"What's that word? Scream? Scare?", Emanuel asked. "The word you don't like?"

"The word that rhymes with 'boot'," I replied.

"Scxxt!", he said. "Scxxt!"

"Rrrrrrrrr!"

Emanuel laughed. "James", said Darnell, "When Emanuel is approaching you like that, just walk away."

When I got to the restroom, I did the "scadoloot" ritual quickly, then finished the "pajamdra" stuff over the next hour.

Lucky for me, Emanuel didn't have the couch room, so I could rest on the couch and plug my ears to avoid hearing the television in the main office room.

Eventually, my mouth filled up with saliva, and I needed to go to the restroom. As I left the room, I thought I heard a "Whxxps" on the television set.

"Did they say the WH-word?", I asked.

Some coaches walked into the room. I asked them, but neither oe them had been in the main room when I heard it on TV.

"Aaaaaarrrrghhhhhh!", I said. "Now I'm going to have to purge!"

I went back into the restroom and purged off "whxxps". The OO was pronounced as in "hoops", so it didn't take as long as it could have.

When I came back, Jolene was singing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way . . ."

"Want to do another one?", Kay asked her.

"How about 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'?", I asked.

"We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year", Jolene sang with Kay.

Jolene sang several more Christmas carols, and after each one they clapped.

"That was so beautiful, Jolene!", I said to my friend.

They then finished up, and Kay came with our group to the van.

They asked me whether I wanted to go to Lee's Garden, but I said I didn't have enough money. Instead we would go to Taco Bell and McDonald's. The coaches suggested Denny's, and mentioned getting salmon there.

"Salmon's my favorite!", said Jolene. "I loooooove salmon!"

"Your favorite?", asked Kay.

"Yes, my favorite. Salmon's my favorite! My favorite!"

I laughed.

Soon we were at Taco Bell. I ordered a soft-shell taco and a quesadilla with what money I had. "Did I hear them say the traffic was an M-word?", I asked Darnell.

"No, they didn't", said Darnell.

A little later . . . "Did they say 'C-word C-word' or 'goody goody'?"

"Goody goody."

A little later, after I took my first bite into my taco . . . "Did they say the P and A words?"

"No, they didn't, James."

A little later, while I had just bitten my taco . . . "Did they say the word that rhymes with 'single'?"

"No. James, we're trying to eat."

"So am I!"

I moved near Jolene so I couldn't make words out of the conversation of the people near the Christmas tree. I finished my taco, then ate my quesadillas.

After changing Jolene, we embarked on our long journey of drops and Kay discussed Oakland and Richmond with Darnell.

"They need to clean it up so they don't have prostitutes axx oxxx the pxxxx", said Kay.

"Rrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oops!", said Ken.

"Did I say something?", asked Kay.

"You said the A, O the P words", I replied.

"Oh . . . I didn't know those words."

"Did Ken say the WH-word?", I asked Darnell.

"No," he said, "Oops", Darnell answered me.

"James, why do you keep asking about all these words?", asked Kay. "Are you trying to purge?"

"No, I'm trying not to purge", I replied. "I need to make sure I didn't hear these words, so I don't have to purge. If I can find out for sure that they didn't say a purge word, then I don't have to purge and I'm relieved. But if I can't find out whether they said that word or not, then I have to purge just to be on the safe side."

"Oh, I see!", said Kay. "I couldn't figure out why you kept asking."

Kay and Darnell continued to yammer back and forth for the duration of our drops. They used "all", "call", "dollar", "over" and "place" many times as I tried to rubble-clear in order to purge "axx oxxx the pxxxx" off. Once there was a gap, I said, "Ahhhhhh. Silence."

"James, we're going to talk," said Darnell. "We need to talk."

"Kay's not giving you directions", I said. "You don't need to talk."

"Well, you don't need to listen to our conversation."

"I can't not listen to your conversations. You're carrying it out right in front of me!"

"Well, I can't not talk!", said Darnell.

He carried on with his conversation, and I never got to the meat of my ritual. When I got home, I rubble-cleared all the "all"s and "over"s and "place"s, and then did "axx oxxx the pxxxx". In a pastaey way. It finally came out!

Bluish-greyish-greenish stuff

The week before, I had made an especial request for La Netta to put Grocery Outlet on the schedule. And Wednesday, December 9, was the day we were supposed to go to Grocery Outlet in Berkeley.

As we were about to leave the office for our journey to Berkeley, Lita walked up and spoke to La Netta.

"Where're you going today?", Lita asked her.

"We're going to Berkeley, where we'll be at Grocery Outlet", La Netta replied.

"OK then", said Lita, "Can you pick up another van to take it to servicing at Hilltop?"

"Sounds fine with me", said La Netta.

Darnell hopped out. "Rodney, you're coming with me", he said.

La Netta called Lita. "Hey, Lita? Since we're going to Hilltop, can we program in Hilltop instead of Berkeley?"

"I wanted to go to Grocery Outlet!", I objected.

"Sure you can", Lita told La Netta.

"How am I going to get my Swiss cheese and piroshkis?", I asked La Netta.

We finally stopped at Hilltop and Darnell joined the group again. "We're getting out", said Darnell.

"I don't want to get out", I told him.

"He said he doesn't want to get out", said Darnell.

"We're all going in", said La Netta.

So there we were at Hilltop. I found myself inside Macy's.

"You know, it's cold in Berkeley", La Netta told me. "Lita thought that maybe we wanted to be inside. If it's warmed up, I can take you by Grocery Outlet tomorrow."

"But what if it's still cold tomorrow?", I asked.

"Then maybe I can take you to the one in San Pablo."

La Netta assured me that they didn't have any pajamdras, so I could open my exes. As "Sleigh Ride" played -- "I hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-t-ngling too", I covered my ears and chanted "Doo doo doo, doo".

"La Netta", I said, I need to go to the restroom".

"Why?", asked La Netta. "You didn't hear any purge words."

"My schlong is caught in my zipper. It's in pain."

La Netta walked me over.

When I got to the restroom, I unbuttoned my pants and took down my boxer shorts. I saw what had been putting my glans in pain. My schlong wasn't caught in my zipper after all. When I looked, I saw bluish-greyish-greenish matter stuck in my urethral opening. I picked it out, then urinated, I felt much better.

When I got out, I told La Netta and Darnell all about it.

"That's horrible!", said Darnell.

"You should get Stan to look at it", said La Netta.

"So where are we getting lunch today?", I asked.

"I don't know . . . how's Lee's Garden sound?", asked La Netta.

"We could go there."

"Do you have a favorite item?"

"Something Hunan. I think I'm going to get Hunan chicken today."

"Is that your favorite?", La Netta asked Jolene.

"Yes. My favorite!", Jolene said.

After leaving Macy's, we went to Lee's Garden and I got my lunch.

Next, a trip to Davis Park, in lieu of the Berkeley site where we were supposed to eat lunch today.

La Netta discussed Jeremiah with Darnell.

". . . gives them that disrespect", said La Netta.

"Gives them that mxss", said Darnell.

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I said.

"Oops! Sorry, James." With that Darnell opened the door so I could leave for the restroom.

Just as I was leaving, I heard La Netta say to Darnell, "So the other day, Jeremiah and his friend were taking their bxkes down to . . ." Another word to purge off.

I picked at my navel and chanted "badolikes, badolikes", then I did "mxss".

On our way home, La Netta discussed Christmas gifts. She discussed getting "PX's" for a certain family member. I would have to remember to purge off "PX's" when I got home.

"Oh! That's the worst Christmas present!", said Darnell. "Pajxmxs . . ." Just as he said "pajxmxs" I plugged my ears. He snortled, and I was glad he missed. "I mean, what do you think I have on?"

Before we got to Ken's house, Ken said "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

"Rrrrrrrr!", I growled.

When we arrived at Ken's house, I went into his restroom and purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx". I was relieved. But I would save the "PX's" for when I got home.

And then eat my Lee's Garden.

I want La Netta, not Alejandra

On Tuesday, December 8, the bowling alley was on our schedule. La Netta and Alejandra took Rodney and I in to bowl, while the others would just watch. La Netta said she was taking Jolene to change herself. "You go with Alejandra", La Netta told me.

"I need to you to listen out for words", I told her.

"Alejandra will listen out for words."

"She's not good at it."

"Well, there aren't many people there", said Alejandra.

So I went with Alejandra. She paid for our games, then we each selected a bowling ball.

I went first, then Rodney rolled. After my first roll, I thought I heard a "Whxxps".

"Did I hear the WH-word?", I asked Alejandra.

"No, you didn't", Alejandra said.

"What did I hear that sounded like the WH-word?"

"Well, it's so noisy I can't really hear", she said.

I told her I'd be in the restroom. She took me there.

There, I purged off "whxxps". "James?", La Netta called.

"Yes?", I asked.

"Jolene's done."

"O-KAYYYYYY!"

When I got done purging, I walked with La Netta and Jolene back to the bowling alley. I took my second frame at bowling, but Rodney didn't want to bowl.

"You can take his turns, he's not going to bowl", said one of my coaches.

So I played Rodney's second frame . . . then I played my third frame . . . then I played Rodney's third frame.

Before long, Rodney was itching to bowl again. So I let him have a turn.

At Rodney's next frame, he didn't want to bowl. Alejandra told me to simply take his turn for him. Then Rodney walked up and picked up a bowling ball.

By the time we finished this game, we were ready to leave. I did not enjoy the bowling alley that day.

We drove to Jack-in-the-box to buy lunch. Did Jolene say, "Ice xxxxx is my favorite"?

"La Netta", I asked, "Did Jolene say the I-word was her favorite?"

"No, she didn't say the I-word was her favorite", La Netta replied.

"Did she say that team is her favorite?"

"She didn't say the I-word?"

"Did she say iced tea was her favorite?"

"Yes."

As we picked up lunch at Jack-in-the-box, I glanced over my receipt. I saw ICE and a CR. Covering the edges, it said TRY OUR NEW ICE CREA[covered up]. So there was the I-word on there. I had better not remove my finge from the receipt. Did it say CAKES to the right? I saw an AKES. Moving my finge to the left, I saw the word to the right of ICE XXXXX was SHXKES.

I abandoned my receipt and took my ciabatta bun with me. I chanted "shadolakes, shadolakes" at our lunch site and ate my ciabatta bun when I got home.

I get my liqueur cake

On Monday, December 7, La Netta was my only driver. She took me to Big Lots, where I had requested we go the week before.

La Netta put lots of items in the shopping cart, while I just followed along until we got to the pastries.

Once we got to the pastry section, I looked for my liqueur cake. I found one! A Kuchenmeister liqueur cake made out of Jamaican rum.

La Netta did some more shopping, then we headed to the check-out, where she let me go first.

"It's $3.50", the cashier said.

"Do you want to pay for this?", asked La Netta.

"Do I need an ID card?", I asked the cashier.

"You don't", the cashier replied.

So I bought the liqueur cake.

La Netta then took us out to the Christmas tree lot. She asked if it was OK with me, as she knows I don't want to run into a tree. I agreed to it, and she and the other clients looked at Christmas trees. In the end, they helped her pick one out.

She had the end leveled off, then had it lifted into the van. "I checked, there's no corbwxbs on this one", said La Netta.

Since there was still extra time, she headed to Falla's. She looked at several toys while I tried to follow with my right eye completely closed and my left hand cupped over my left eye.

"Eeewwwwwwww!", I shrieked.

"What is it?", said La Netta.

I pointed to black fabric with glitter cobwxbs on it.

"You saw that dress?", she asked.

"Yes", I replied.

She took us to Taco Bell, where I went to the restroom, and she ordered a bag of cheese quesadillas with my money. When I got out of the restroom, La Netta had the quesadilla for me.

And so I walked to my house that day with a liqueur cake -- something to add a special gustatory pleasure to the holidays. I started in on it the same night, content with my purchase.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

There goes my dinner!

On Thorsday our CIWP group went to Trader Joe's. I visited the frozen food section, looking for Mexican food, and decided on some green chili burritos, which came two in a pack.

Tonight, I came out of my room at 7:10 and my staff Claudette asked how I was doing. I told her I was hungry, and was planning to eat my two burritos at 8:00.

I listened to All the Pain Money Can Buy to kill the time, then at 7:55 the CD finished and I came out of my room to check the time on the microwave. There were two chimichangas sitting in front of the microwave.

"These are two chimichangas", I told Claudette. "I said I was going to eat two burritos."

"I didn't see the burritos", she said.

I showed her the freezer in the kitchen, where I had stored them. I took them out.

"Ooh, those look good!", she said. "Green chili!"

The directions said to defrost, so I hit the auto-defrost button. Afterwards, I came back to heat for one minute on high, as it said on the box.

Someone was taking a shower in the bathroom with the hand soap, so I had to knock on Jason's door to let me use his restroom to wash my hands. I then put the knuckles of my left hand on the left side of the box with my burritos, and the knuckles of my right hand on the right side of the box, and carried it into my room at 8:09.

I finished tearing off the plastic wrapper for the burrito box from the inside. Then I scraped my hands on the long sides, and picked up my first burrito.

I had a few bites, but it just didn't taste cooked. I had a feeling it would be too cold for me if I tried to eat the whole thing. I remembered how it had taken over 4 minutes to defrost even though the box said to defrost it for 2 minutes. I figured 1 minute of heating might not be enough.

So I picked it up by the short sides and carried the box back into the microwave. I pressed in the buttons for 1 minute and 45 seconds with my knuckles, then closed the microwave door with my wrist and knuckled the Start button.

At 8:13, my burritos were ready, having been heated for a total of 2 minutes and 45 seconds. I popped the microwave open with my elbow, then picked up the shorter sides of my burritos. Now all I would have to do was carry my meal into my room and eat it.

Picking my burritos up, I closed my eyes so I wouldn't see anyone walking by in his pajamdras while I was walking to my door. I turned the corner left, walked forward . . . and crashed right into someone!

"Oh, sorry!", a female voice said. It was Claudette.

Then I looked at what I had dropped while bumping into her. My box was on the floor . . . and the two burritos were on the floor too! They were not in my box!

"My burritos!", I shouted.

"I'm sorry", Claudette said, "I didn't see you coming."

"There goes my dinner!"

"I'll tell Stan about this", Claudette said.

That night, I asked Claudette for two chimichangas instead of my usual one. After all, I was supposed to have had two burritos.

I picked up my wrapper to show Claudette so she could give it to Stan. (That way Stan would know exactly what to buy at Trader Joe's.) After picking it up, I needed to wash my hands. While I walked towards the sink in the kitchen, there was Nick wearing his "Dogfather" Snoopy pajamdras.

"Eeeeeewwwwwwww!", I said. I can't believe it: I had tried so hard to avoid seeing someone wearing pajamdras that it had cost me my dinner. And now I had seen someone in his pajamdras anyway AND was left without my dinner.

I could have had a great burrito meal for dinner tonight. But because I had to close my eyes, I was left without those delicious green chili burritos.

Ross

You'd think that after going to Ross on Thursday we'd go somewhere else the next day, right?

Wrong.

On Friday, I found myself in Ross once again.

Shortly after we walked in, I heard a song about Christmas. The singer said that she ate two gallons of ice xxxxx in the non-sung part of the song.

"Blechhhh!", I said. "La Netta, is there a restroom nearby?"

"We're working our way there", said La Netta.

Ken looked in the men's section, and La Netta told me to close my eyes and hold onto her.

As we continued to walk, I said, "I can't hold it in!"

"Rosa!", La Netta called out. "I'll be taking James to the restroom. He heard the I-word in a song."

La Netta took me in, then said Rodney and she would be waiting for me. "Will you hurry up?", asked La Netta.

"I'll try my best", I said, "But I can't make any promises."

Lucky for me, there was an instrumental Carol of the Bells on the Intercom playing, so I could purge without needing to worry about listening out for words. I purged off that chunky ice xxxxx quickly, then washed my hands.

When I came out, there was stuff on the floor. I had the look at the shoes to make sure they weren't Dipser-man or Winnxe the Pooh shoes. Lucky for me, they weren't.

I saw more stuff littered on the floor.

Then I saw some boxer shorts with snowmen. Or rather, saw a fractal glimpse of them. I had to ask La Netta to make sure they weren't pajamdras. (I would never wear boxer shorts with snowmen on them.)

Then Ken wanted to check out the vests. "Did they say the P & A words?", I asked La Netta after hearing someone say what sounded like "pxking around".

"No", said La Netta.

Then I heard a woman say "program". I heard her say "ABC". She must have said, "I think this is a program, like ABC."

"He said 'program', didn't he?", I asked La Netta.

"No, he didn't," La Netta said.

"But I know that lady said 'program'," I told her.

"I didn't hear that. She must have said it and I didn't hear it", said La Netta.

"Then what did the man say that sounded like the P & A words?"

"He said, 'Put it over there'."

"Thank you, La Netta."

"You're welcome."

Ken said he only had $10, but when La Netta had him pull all his money out he had $15. It was enough to buy the blue vest.

"That vest looks small on you . . . are you sure that's really what you want to buy?", asked La Netta.

Ken picked out a black vest.

"I want to buy the green vest," said Ken.

"You mean the black one?", asked La Netta.

"The green one."

"The one you're wearing?", asked La Netta.

"Yeah."

"That's not green, that's black."

I asked La Netta about another word.

She said they didn't say it. "What's up with you today?", asked La Netta.

"I'm just itching to get out of here", I said.

"Well, we're just waiting in line so Ken can buy this vest", said La Netta.

As we waited in line and Ken and La Netta made their purchases, I had to ask about one more word. Then we were out of there. I felt so relieved to finally be out of Ross.

Jason Morgan, prince of thieves

On Tuesday night I took my shower. When I got back, the right pocket of my khakis was empty.

I came out and shouted, "I've been robbed!" to Santina.

Stan checked the house, including the wastebaskets, the next day, but no Ziploc bag with money in it was found. I had $15 in bills in there, plus some coins. It was nowhere in Jason's room, even though we all knew Jason was the thief.

The next day I was lent $6 of the van allotment money to buy lunch at Subway. I ate a meatball sandwich (on Italian bread).

Stan Man was supposed to come over in the morning on Thursday to give me $20 from the safe. However, when that morning came, he wasn't there.

I called him from the office and left a message, asking him to come either to the office or to the Ross in Emeryville, where we would be at 10:15.

It was 10:15 exactly when our group got a call from the office phone. Stan had left his money at the office.

There was no way we could drive all the way back to Richmond and then back to Emeryville. Why didn't Stan drop it off at Ross? I was going to need it to buy something at Trader Joe's.

So then we agreed that Lita would come over and deliver me the money herself. Good idea, no?

We had just gotten out of Ross when someone spied Lita. Lita's car pulled up, and she handed up the $20 bill before we entered Old Navy.

Next was Trader Joe's. No liquoeur cake, but they did have good stuff in the Mexican section. I picked out two green chili burritos and paid for htem with my $20 bill.

When I got back into the van, I paid the van back with a five and a one.

Stan told me that he'd get me back my money that Jason stole, but it would take about six days. But better late than never. I'm so glad I have a Stan who can make it all better when Jason steals my stuff.

They moved Jason back to my group home because he got into a fight at another of Stan's houses. I hope he gets into another fight here soon so they can move him again.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Pick, pick, pick that navel yet

When I came to program on Monday La Netta was the only one driving. She turned on the radio and I started to turn on my headphones. It was turned to one of the rap stations.

"I've got my exe on you . . .", the rap song sang.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!", I shrieked.

La Netta turned it off. "It wasn't that," she said. "It was, 'I've got my exe . . . you'. It sounded like it, though."

"Didn't they say, 'I've got my E-word on you'?"

"Well, that was what it meant."

We met up with Darnell at the office. La Netta hadn't made a schedule for this week so she wanted her group to sit down and help her think up places to go.

I told her I wanted to go to FoodsCo so I could buy a lemon meringue pie. She put that on the schedule, then I told her I was going to the restroom.

"Are you coming back?", she asked.

"Yes", I replied.

I did a lot of rubble-clearing with the /ai/ sounds. Next I purged off "got my exe on", chanting "got madoly adolye on you, got madoly adolye on you". It was so hard.

I came back out, and Darnell talked about accidentally shaving on his eyebrow.

I walked back in, did rubble-clearing by chanting "adolyebrow", and finished up the "got my adolye on". Those creepy exeballs came out of me. I hoped I wouldn't have to deal with anything that nasty for the rest of the day.

We drove over to FoodsCo, our programmed spot. La Netta told the person getting the shopping cart, to "watch out for that bxke". It actually sounded more like "by", but I saw a bicycle near the carts so I figured out what she said.

I rubble-cleared the bicycle itself by picking my navel, then walked into the store. La Netta showed me where the pies were. At first she had thought she had found one, but then she inspected it closer and realized it was a coconut meringue pie. I looked around and saw cakes and bundts. Then La Netta found my lemon meringue pie! I was ready to go -- even if the rest of them weren't.

They examined other stuff. La Netta picked a ripe bunch of bananas as a treat for Rodney. I saw some apples labeled in both English and French. When I turned the corner, I saw an orange cardboard box with a drawing of a black cobwxb and dipser at the bottom right corner. "Eeeeeewwwwwwww!", I shrieked.

"Well, that was fast!", said La Netta.

I held onto the cart.

"James, you'd better open your exes, because Rodney's pushing that cart, and he's doing too much", said Darnell. "It's safe to look."

"No, it's not", I said. "I already saw something Halloween."

"That was Thanksgiving", said Darnell.

"No, not Thanksgiving, Halloween." I pointed in the general direction.

"Oh, now I see it", said Darnell.

One of the coaches told me, "I see some I-stuff", so I held onto Darnell's arm with my exes closed as we walked past the ice xxxxx. While I was holding his arm, the song "Run, Run, Rudolph" was playing. "Little bxtty doll" was sung.

"Rrrrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"What happened?", asked Darnell.

"I heard the B-word in the song."

"What's the B-word?"

"Rhymes with 'city'."

"Oh."

Next, Darnell told Rodney to "scxxt the cart on".

"Rrrrrrrr!", I growled. Darnell apologized.

I paid for my lemon meringue pie, and the others paid for their bananas and other goods. Then we went back to the van.

I picked at my navel. I was attempting to pick the word "bxke" out of there.

"I didn't let you finish purging?", asked Darnell.

"Why does James need to purge?", asked La Netta.

"First he saw something Halloween, and then he heard the B-word in a song, and then I slipped up and said the SC-word", said Darnell.

"Oh", said La Netta.

I picked, picked, picked. Darnell got out of the van, and I was still picking, thinking "kibe" and chanting "badolike".

"James, can you wait till we get to the park?", asked La Netta.

"I'm picking my navel", I said.

"Is that what he's doing, Jolene?", asked La Netta.

I finally finished my "badolike" ritual.

We finally got to Miller's Knots, where I entered the restroom and did the hideous black dipser. I started with its eight exes (adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye, adolye) and then got to the legs and main dipser. Then I did "badolitty", and followed that with "scadoloot the cart on". It took about five minutes to do the "scadoloot" ritual. Finally, I did the cobwxb.

When I got home, I ate half a lemon meringue pie, my intestines empty again.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

So I don't get to go to Food Max

On Tuesday morning, Stan drove me to Dr. Luburic. On the way there he started making a call on his cellphone.

"I hate all this traffic", he said.

Was he going to say "mxss"? I started covering my ears and hyperventilating.

"James, you weren't doing that when you were on the medicine", said Stan.

"I was afraid you were going to say the M-word", I said.

"I know. But when you were still on the medicine, you weren't doing that."

Come to think of it, I don't think I ever heard Stan mention traffic during the time I was on liquid Prozac.

"I know you don't like the M-word," said Stan. "I'm not going to say it."

"But sometimes you slip up!", I said.

"Not like that!"

I brought my headphones into the office and listened to them with the volume at max until Dr. Luburic came in.

Dr. Luburic asked me how I felt with the medicine discontinued. I told him I wasn't having the paranoia about dipsers dropping from the ceiling anymore, and I felt less depressed and altogether happier. Then he asked Stan.

"James is back to his old self", said Stan. "He's starting to hit and bite himself more in his room at night."

"You hear me, Stan?", I asked.

"I get reports from my staff that you're doing that."

Dr. Luburic said that things like my self-mutilation or the dipsers dropping may have nothing to do with my medication, and have a natural ebb and flow to them. These things sometimes go into remission, so cause and effect is hard to glean and we should be careful to avoid a post ergo propter fallacy.

I told Dr. Luburic about my nightmare that said "The end will come on Monday". He said that as a patient gets off Prozac, he has more dreams and therefore more nightmares. Dr. Luburic said that on one hand, dreams can give you insights into yourself, but on the other hand, dreaming so much can make you too introverted.

He went on to discuss my lab results. Everything was looking fine, he said, except that my hemoglobin was low. We emphasized how all my other tests came out fine, and explained what hypohemoglobulinemia could do. "Just something to keep an exe on", he said.

"Ewwww!", said you-know-who.

The meeting ended shortly thereafter and Stan drove me to program. I purged off "keep an exe on" in the restroom. Then La Netta came.

She discussed where to drop Emanoel off, and I objected, "Aren't you going to take me to Food Max today?"

"I don't know about that", La Netta said. "Rodney's tweaking pretty bad. We'll see."

We dropped off Emanoel, then La Netta drove up to the parking lot where Food Max was located.

Somewhere along the way to Food Max, Jolene had taken her shoe off.

"My foot hurts", said Jolene.

"Jolene, put it on so we can go to Food Max", said La Netta.

"My foot hurts."

"Jolene, I need to get my enchilada dinner and lemon meringue pie", I said.

"My foot hurts."

"Jolene, if you don't put your shoe back in, I won't be able to get my Thanksgiving dinner."

"My foot hurts!"

"Jolene, do it for a friend. Didn't you like that doughnut I bought you?"

"My foot hurts. My foot hurts!"

"Jolene, don't you care about James at all?", I asked.

"My foot hurts!"

"Are you thinking of your friend James?", asked La Netta.

"It hurts!"

I tried to get her shoe on, but La Netta said Jolene didn't want her foot to be bothered.

"Do you want me to still be your eriend?", I asked Jolene.

"My foot hurts!", she yelled.

We continued begging her and pleading with her, but all she could do was yell about her foot being in pain. When the clock turned 12:00, La Netta drove off.

I began crying.

"See, Jolene?", said La Netta. "James is crying because he isn't going to be able to have Thanksgiving dinner."

Eventually, I stopped crying.

"Is Jolene still your friend, James?", La Netta asked me.

"I don't know about that", I said.

"Yes, I'm his friend", said Jolene.

And for Thanksgiving dinner? I had an enchilada dinner with two cheeses and poblano sauce.