Monday, September 29, 2008

A hemophilia of purging

Today we had only three clients (I was there along with Jolene and Ken), but we had two staff in our group, La Netta and Rosa. As we were overstaffed, La Netta would have to go home.

La Netta said good-bye to us, then I said, "Wait, La Netta!" I told her I had had a shower yesterday.

La Netta got out and hugged me. I hugged her. It felt so good to have La Netta in my arms. Then we said good-bye for sure.

Rosa drove the group to Trader Joe's. I found dried rambutans, biscotti (Trader Giotto's!) and a calzone and put them all in the shopping basket. Then I made my purchase.

Our next stop was Old Navy. After we went in, songs started trying. I heard a song that rhymed "mxsses" with "impress".

"Ewwww!", I said.

"What's wrong?", asked Rosa.

"The song said the M-word."

The song said it two more times as Rosa continued looking at clothes. Then I was upended as I heard another group of people in the store say "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

"Rrrrrrr!", I growled.

Rosa selected a $1 shirt, made her way to the cash register and paid. We were out of there.

I started purging off the words "axx oxxx the pxxxx" in the back of the van as we rode to the office. Rosa called in, saying her mission was completed and asking ie we could go to K-mart, then she changed her mind and went to the office instead.

We got to the office. I purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx" and the three "mxsses"es in the office restroom.

"We're all ready to go", said Rosa.

I washed my hands and then left and took my pill.

"Do you miss Mike?", I asked Ken in the van.

"Yeah," he said.

"Do you miss him?", asked Rosa.

"Well, Mike's fine, but picking up Dante is a problem, and Robert can be a handful."

"So you like Mike the best?"

"I do", I told her.

"You know how Robert is," I told Rosa.

"Robert's the worst one", said Ken.

"What does he say?", I asked him.

"He asks where your money is, that's what he does."


"You keep your money in your pocket, right James?", mocked Rosa.

We all had a laugh.

"Who bought your sunglasses?", I asked. "Your mom?"

Ken, Rosa and I thought that was so funny.

"La Netta once asked me if I'd rather have Mike or Robert in the group, and I said I'd rather have Mike", I said.

We had lunch (I didn't buy anything today), then Rosa drove Ken home, followed by driving me to John's office.

John asked me how I was. I told him I was in sort of a mixed mood.

He asked what caused my mood to be so mixed. I told him about hearing the trigger words, and then I told him about our trip to Trader Joe's. I showed him the red, bristly rambutans in my bag -- a fruit he had never heard of beeore.

He asked whether my friends new I purged as a teen-ager, and I explained that back then my purging wasn't as severe. I explained how shortly after my twenty-first birthday, I started thinking the purge-inducing words all the time and had to think them backwards.

"I kept thinking the SL-word", I told John, referring to "slxp".

"What's the SL-word?", he asked.

"Rhymes with 'drop'."

"Oh. Were you more aware of disorder back then?"

"That was just a time that that stuff really bothered me. I would think the M-word, and the SL-word, and the D-word and I added the A, O the P words."

I explained to him what "added" meant. The phrase "axx oxxx the pxxxx" became a trigger word for the eirst time.

I would have to think "ssem" and "pols" and "pird" all the time, I told him. "Do you know what 'pird' is?", I asked him.

"No," said John.

"P-I-R-D", I said.

"Oh, now I've got it! I was putting an E in there."

John asked me what happened around my twenty-first birthday. He wanted to know how I celebrated it. I said I went to a Thai restaurant.

"Did you go alone?", he asked.

"Yes", I said.

"Why weren't your friends or family with you?"

"Well, I couldn't find any friends who could come over, and I didn't want my family with me."

"Why not?"

"I didn't really like my family."

"Were you still living at home?"

"I was."

I explained that I would think the M-word 500 times, and then I would have to think "ssem" 500 words, and then if I heard the word before I got around to thinking off those "ssem"s, I would have to think all the "ssem"s then and then purge 500 times before purging off the actual word. That was what made those days so difficult.

"It was like a hemophilia of purging", I said. "I had to be careful or once I heard the word I wouldn't stop bleeding."

John tried to figure out what happened around the time I turned 21 that kick-started this.

"I wonder if it was something biochemical", he said.

We reached our 3:16 time, so we stopped talking. Then, at 3:40, Stan finally came bringing in Charles. I said, "It's been nice seeing you John."

"It's also been nice seeing you, James", he replied.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I finally get my juices

On Thursday morning we had K-mart. Super Wal-mart was on our schedule for later this week, but the group headed to K-mart anyway.

On the way there, La Netta and Rosa were talking about what a woman could do to please a man and how women try to please men and men want something different from women. "He'll be proud if you can do something that will make his chest pxke out", said Rosa.

"Make his chest pxke out", repeated La Netta.

I growled at the words "pxke out", and sat in my seat in anticipation of K-mart.

La Netta told me I better look at juices in K-mart lest we not be able to go to Wal-mart on Friday. She worried that they might put Dante with us yet again.

I did go to the juice aisle with her and Rosa, but I decided not to buy any juice. I wanted to save my money for seafood salad from Lucky's.

La Netta left, and I hung around with Rosa, before the two of us went to restrooms together.

I purged off "pxke out". "Padoloke out, padoloke out, padoloke out . . .", I chanted. I did it 14 times for each of the times it was said.

Rosa called me. I told her I was almost finished. Then I finished up with the ritual, washed my hands and came out.

La Netta told me that the weather was too hot for me to buy seafood salad, because it would spoil on the way home. She convinced me to use my remaining $5 for a burrito from the burrito truck instead.

"La Netta", I told her, "Tomorrow we're going to have to make getting to Super Wal-mart our central goal. If we have anything else on the schedule and we're running out of time, we'll have to sacrifice it to get to Wal-mart."

"If they put Dante in our group and we get stuck in traffic going to his house, that's out of our control", said La Netta. "I can't make any promises."

The next day, Friday, we did not have Dante, but we did have Lisa. We stopped in front of Lisa's house, and I heard music. Did the song say "pxking around"?

I asked La Netta, "Did that song say the P & A words?"

"You've listened to this song before", said La Netta. "I don't think they say anything you don't like."

"You think they don't say it, or you know they don't say it?"

"I'm pretty sure they don't say anything you don't like. This is Mary J Blige. The new Mary J Blige song."

We hit the office for Ken's annual meeting. As we waited outside, La Netta helped Jolene change herself. Then she visited me sitting at the Internet.

I visited Google and typed in:

"mary j blige" lyricwiki

I got to Lyricwiki's list of all the Mary J Blige songs, arranged by album. We looked at her newest album, Growing Pains. La Netta read the list of all the song titles.

She said to try "Work in Progress (Growing Pains)", so I tried it. She sang the song to herself as she read it. "Not that one", she said.

She said it had "my my my my" in it, so I returned to Google and typed in:

"my my my my" "mary j blige" lyricwiki

but I got no Lyricwiki results, so La Netta and I surfed the list again.

She looked at the album above, The Breakthrough. She read through the songs, but none of the titles sounded right, so we went back to Growing Pains.

She said to check oot "Grown Woman", and if it wasn't that, to check out the song listed below it. We opened "Grown Woman", and she sang along with the lyrics, then said, "That's not it."

We opened the one below it, "Just Fine". La Netta sang along with it, and that was it!

She had to leave to start Ken's meeting, but as I read through I saw that the actual words were "moping around". She was singing "Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh", not "My, my, my, my".

Relieved that they hadn't said "pxking around", I visited 4thkingdom to spend my time as Ken's annual marched on. After they were finished, I shut down.

"Well, James, I hate to disappoint you . . ." said La Netta.

We wouldn't be able to go to Wal-mart? "Oh, no!" I said.

"Yeah, we're low on time. So we'd have to go to the Wal-mart in Hilltop."

What? We can go? "That's OK, La Netta. We don't have to go to the Super Wal-mart. Just so long as I can get my juices."

We stopped at Taco Bell, where we got some Mexican food (I got a hard-shell taco, Crunch Wrap Supreme and spicy chicken burrito). Then La Netta postponed Wal-mart further. She said we should just eat lunch now, and then go to Wal-mart afterwards.

We ate lunch (well, I didn't, but everyone else did), then we dropped Lisa home.

"Now, for the moment I've been waiting for all week", I said.

But what we actually did next was drop off Kweisi.

Then we dropped home Ken. The only people still sitting in the van were Jolene and yours truly.

"Now, for the moment I've been waiting for all week", I said.

I closed my eyes for the ride, and when we stopped Rosa said, "Let me get my purse". I stepped out of the van, and we were at . . . Wal-mart!

I held onto Rosa's arm. We both went to the restroom. Then we came out, and Rosa took me to the juice aisle.

I selected the apple juice (not the cocktail, which they didn't have, but the unsweetened variety). Then I looked among all the Hawaiian punches they had and selected their lemonade flavor. Both my bottles were now in the cart.

I held onto the handle at the back of the shopping cart, as Rosa pushed. We were now at the candy aisle. Rosa picked up four candy items and then took me to the check-out.

I paid, and we were now ready to get back in the van and drive home. I knew I could rest for the week-end with all my juice with me, instead of going thirsty.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Questroom: The quest for a restroom

Today when we got to Jolene's house, the woman who worked as a staff there got to talking with us. I heard her call somebody "sweetxe". "Did she call Kweisi the SW-word?", I asked La Netta.

After we pulled off, I asked La Netta again. She said no.

"She was speaking to you?", I asked her.

"Yes", said La Netta.

"So she called you the SW-word?"


"Then whom did she call the SW-word?"

"She didn't say it. She was telling Jolene she needed to sweep under her seat. Then she said, 'Have a good one, cutxe'."

"Echhh!", I said.

"Is that a word too?", asked Rosa.

"La Netta, if you have to talk about that word, don't actually say the word. Refer to it as 'the C-word'."

"You got me all twisted up", said La Netta.

"Can you get me to a restroom?", I asked.

"We're on the way to pick up Dante."

"Not Dante!" I shouted out some curse words.

After what had happened yesterday, I thought Dante would never be put with our group again. Instead this happens. We would spend a long time driving to Dante's house, eat into our schedule and prolong the time before I could use a restroom.

Saliva built up in my mouth as we made the ride to Dante's house. When we finally arrived there, the coaches told me to get out and spit. I tried to get out, but my seatbelt was jammed. "Mmmm mmmm mmmm!", I said in frustration.

"Don't you want to get out?", they asked.

"Mmmmmmmm!", I said with my mouth full of saliva.

"Get out and spit."

I tried to say "stuck", but it came out as "tuck".

This went on for several more attempts, before La Netta asked Jolene to unbuckle my seatbelt for me. Jolene unfastened it and I got out.

I walked and immediately started gagging. All my saliva came out with gags. I thought of the C-word as I gagged.

"Wipe your feet on the grass before you get back in, please", said Rosa.

I walked back in, thanked Jolene for undoing my seatbelt, waited for Rosa to finish talking, and then asked her, "You were asking Ken to wipe his shoes on the grass before we got back in?"

"No, actually, I was talking to you," said Rosa. "Because you were stepping in your spit."

"Rrrrrrrr! You said 'please'. Rrrrrrrrrrr! Now I'm not going to do it!"

"Well, you already got back in anyway."

As we drove back to the office, the conversation turned to cigarettes. "I hate it when people just flick there cigarettes on the road", said La Netta.

"People throw cigarettes a lot", said Ken. "I find them axx oxxx the pxxxx."

"Rrrrrrr!", I growled. "Now I'm going to have to purge longer!"

"Flick? Is that a word?", asked La Netta.

"No. The A, O the P words."

"I didn't say that."

"Ken said the A, O the P words, La Netta."

"He said he sees them a lot, and that people better stop throwing them."

"But he also said the A, O the P words. It was unmissable, La Netta. How could you not hear it?"

"Well, I was cleaning wax out of my ear for a bit."

"That must have been when he said it then."

I got to the office and purged off the word "cutxe", then purged off "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

Someone knocked, and I left the restroom. Did I hear a "Whxxps"?

I stepped out at the door and spoke to Brenda. "Did someone say the WH-word?", I asked Brenda. She said no. I stepped back in, then I wondered if I had seen a design on Brenda's top.

I stepped back out, then looked at it. At the top of her black top, around breast level, she had a white face with one exe. A wxnking face!

"Do you like that?", asked Brenda.

"I don't like it!", I told her.

"Do you know what he's doing? He's wxnking at you!"

I reëntered the restroom and purged off the wxnk. Then I stepped back out to the van.

We went to See's chocolates. Barnes and Noble had been on our schedule too, but La Netta didn't got there because picking up Dante had eaten into our time. They must stop putting Dante with the group! I had two what looked like mints to give to Jolene.

Jolene ate the mints once I got back in.

Rosa and Ken stopped at KFC, then we hit McDonald's. They ate lunch at Berkeley Marina, where La Netta called Kweisi "Quincy" quite a few times. I used the restroom to orinate and take my pill. Everyone then got back into the van, even Ken. We dropped Dante home.

We got in the van, then we saw signs as we looked for a restroom. As we stopped around Oakland, Kweisi read a sign: "Ice xxxxx".

"James doesn't like that!", said Ken. "Don't say that word!"

"Blechhh!", I sputtered.

Now I had to go to the restroom too. Rosa stopped at a park and got out, but both the women's restroom and the men's restroom were locked.

Rosa drove to a place with various other restrooms, and checked out to investigate them for us, but they were without exception locked.

"I can't hold this in!", I said.

I started purging and chanting "adolice cradoleam" in the back row. I spelled it out in my head many times, and had to think "meh a e rah eess, e eess i, mearc cie, mearc cie, eecie, maerc cie" to myself before purging.

The words "buy something", "nice" and "high school" were spoken, and I had to purge off the "ice"s in those words.

"I have my bank account at C-tibank", said Kweisi.

"C-tibank?", asked La Netta. Great. Two more words for me to purge off.

I complained about having to purge again, but Rosa said, "When you go to the bathroom, it will be at your house."

We finally dropped Kweisi off in Pinole. Jolene moved from the middle row to the back row so Kweisi could get out. I zipped up.

"I can't hold it in anymore!", I shouted. "And Jolene's in the back row with me!"

"You are NOT going to do that in the van", said Rosa. "It is not OK!"

"That's why I need to get to a restroom so badly!" I shouted.

I started spelling the I-word out in my head again. I spelled it twelve times.

"Relax, James", said Jolene.

"Did you hear that?", said La Netta. "That was nice. Jolene was telling you to relax. And she didn't call you Robin." I would have to purge off La Netta's "nice".

We drove to Ken's house. Someone was already there.

"I can't take it anymore!", I shouted. I ran in to Ken's house and began purging in the restroom like mad. First the rubble-clearing. Then the I-word itself.

La Netta knocked on the door and said Jolene wanted to use a restroom, but didn't wnat to go at Ken's house. She told me that if I got back in the van, she would have me home in 4 minutes.

I ran back into the van, and La Netta drove me home in 4 minutes. After I got home, I purged like mad and finally got rid of that awful I-word. Then I purged off the "C-xtibank"s.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Never again

Today, we were scheduled to pick up Dante. La Netta had told Lita please no Dante, that picking him up all the way over in Alameda was going to ruin our schedule, but Lita said go ahead with it.

So La Netta headed to Dante's house, and when she got to the road that led to Alameda, she was stuck in traffic.

The traffic lasted for ten minutes, then twenty minutes, then thirty minutes. This was what we needed to do to pick up Dante? La Netta told Rosa to call Lita and tell her about it.

"Don't say the M-word!", I warned.

"Hello? Lita?", said Rosa. "We're caught in stop-and-go traffic on the [freeway name] Freeway, and . . ." She told her about heading towards Dante's house. She was told she could do what she wanted now.

We decided to continue heading to Dante's house, to make the trip worthwhile. We notched one hour of driving through traffic.

Then, all of a sudden, the song "Everywhere" began playing on the radio. "It's Michelle Branch!", I said. "She's here to brighten our day!"

The time reached 11:00 and we were still on the highway, moving very slowly. Then, the song "Apologize" by OneRepublic started playing. We got off to make our exit, and we saw the truck that had been wrecked. Some liquid was spilt on the ground.

Rosa said "axx oxxx the pxxxx" as we approached Dante's house. I purged it off in the back row.

When we got to Dante's house, La Netta got out to stretch and I got out to spit.

It turned out Dante wasn't coming. He had in fact told Lita that he only came on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

All this ride was for nothing! And we missed Cinnabuns!

While I was putting my seatbelt on, I touched the strap. I got white and black specks on my right hand. When we stopped at Jack-in-the-box, I went in to use the restroom.

I washed my hand with soap and water, then scraped. I heard some men outside -- were they saying "Pokémon"? Or were they saying "pxke around"?

I urinated, then flushed. When I got outside, I asked Rosa whether those people were saying the P&A words.

"I think they were speaking Filipino", she said.

"Tagalog?", I asked.

"Yes", she said. Rosa laughed.

We then headed back to the CIWP office. We got Jolene, and picked up Mike Williams.

The next stop was Costco, to buy some pizza for Rosa, Ken and Mike.

"Who's getting lunch at Costo, and who's getting lunch at McDonald's, and who's getting lunch at Trader Joe's?", I asked.

"No one's getting lunch at McDonald's", said La Netta. "Do you need to get juices?"

"We can get them at Wal-mart." La Netta had had Wal-mart on the schedule yesterday, but hadn't gone because her back had hurt to much to push Jolene's wheelchair and she didn't have a partner. She had told me that we could go today.

"Let me put this as nicely as possible", said La Netta. "We can't go to Trader Joe's and Wal-mart."

"Then I'll go to Trader Joe's", I said.

Next La Netta took me to Trader Joe's. She pointed out the coconut date rolls, and I bought a box. Then I got my lunch/dinner: a box of cheese enchiladas.

"Is there anywhere else you want to go? Juice aisle?", asked La Netta.

"Yes", I replied. So we visited the juice aisle to get pomegranate blackberry Juice Squeeze.

I paid for my three items at the check-out. They came out to $9.93.

While I was leaving, I heard a woman say, "Pardon?"

We dropped Mike off. Being too early to drop Ken off, La Netta made a trip to JC Penney's. Rosa went in with Jolene and Ken, and La Netta went in with me.

La Netta took me to the men's restroom. She left me there to purge off the "pardon", while she looked at clothes. After 15 minutes, she picked me up.

She dropped Ken off, then took me home.

Because of picking up Dante today, we were thrown completely off schedule. We missed Cinnabuns and couldn't go to both Trader Joe's and Wal-mart. This should provide a valuable lesson. Hopefully Lita will never again put Dante with our group.

Monday, September 22, 2008

More talk on Halloween

I came into John's office toeay. John said he had been seeing lots of Halloween stuff lately, but did mention that it was mostly in stores. Neither he nor I had seen Halloween decorations on people's doorsteps. But that was soon to come.

My friend John asked me if there was anything he could do for Halloween. I said that not putting up any plastic dipsers on his house would help. I can't stand those arachnid rings.

I told John that I had been closing my eyes in stores so I didn't see the Halloween decorations. But then again, I kept my eyes closed year round, so there wasn't much of a difference.

John asked whether I had my eyes closed most of the van when we were in the van. I said I did close my eyes, so I didn't see Frosty Freeze.

"Now, is Frosty Freeze something you want to see, or something you don't want to see?", asked John.

"Do you know what Frosty Freeze sells?", I asked. Frosty Freeze sells ice xxxxx.

"Oh, yes", said John. "Do they actually have the I-word on the sign?"

"It's the anthropomorphic cone on the sign", I explained.

"Is that enough to make you purge?"

"Yes. If I saw it, I'd purge for days and days."

"Days and days?"

"Well, hours and hours."

"A long time."


"When you see that food, do you have to purge for days and days?"

"Well, I don't like anthropomorphic food." We discussed anthropomorphic food, and how it makes me purge, but usually the reaction is much milder then with Frosty Freeze. I explained that it was the combination of the Frosty Freeze cone being ice xxxxx and anthropomorphic food that induced me to purge so much.

"When you see anthropomorphic food", asked John, "Do you taste that food?"

"Yes, I do", I said. "But I don't enjoy the taste, even if it's a food I normally loved."

John asked whether it tasted somewhat different. I described the taste as "lithe and dancing"

"The taste of movement?", asked John.

"Not quite."

I looked at the clock. The clock said 3:11. I began to sing the song "All Mixed Up" by 311.

John asked me, "Did you write that song?"

"You don't recognize that song? It's 'All Mixed Up' by 311." I told him that the clock had read 3:11.

"Do you still write songs now?", John asked me.

I explained to him that I did, and was still working on songs for a rock musical called Angst.

The clock said 3:16, and John checked for Aaron, but he wasn't here. I heard a woman say something that sounded like "whxxps" outside. I asked John whether he had heard the WH-word, but John told me that he had just heard words but couldn't make out what they were.

I excused myself to go to John's bathroom. I purged, then used the toilet and wiped and washed. Charles was here, so I exited out John's door.

"It's been nice seeing you, James", said John.

"It's been nice seeing you, John", I replied.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What was it?

Late at night, I was eating licorice -- Panda licorice. I reclined my head back with my mouth open, and popped them from the box into my mouth, occasionally shaking the box to keep the licorice from all sticking together. While I was doing this, I heard a knock at my door.

"Come in!", I called.

The staff came in, and said she was here to give me my medicine. Not wanting to get up and leave my licorice open and my Ziploc bag unzipped, I held my hand out. Since sometimes the staff wear their pajamdras at night, I didn't want to look, so I closed my eyes.

She placed the pill in my hand. While I was moving my hand, the container with the pill dropped on the floor. (Luckily, it was pill-side-up.) Then the staff said something that sounded like "Whxxps, sorry" or "Whoo, sorry".

"Did you say the WH-word?", I asked her.

"No, I didn't", she said.

"Did you say, 'Oops, sorry"?'


"What did you say?"

"I said 'sorry'."

"But what did you say before you said 'sorry'?"

"I didn't say anything. I just said 'sorry'."

"I heard something before the 'sorry'. What was it?"

"There was nothing before the 'sorry'."

"Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying!"

"But I know I heard something. What was it?"

I told her I would need to walk into the restroom to purge before taking my pill. I walked in, with the licorice and Ziploc bag, and set them on the counter. Then I purged, chanting "adoloops", then got to the WH-word. I made sure to hit my forehead too. Then, while I was purging, I had some ideas. I came out to ask her.

"Did you say, 'Whoa, sorry'?", I asked her.

"No, I didn't", she replied.

"Did you say, 'Whew, sorry'?"

"No, I didn't."

Great. Just great. I finished up purging and finally ate some more licorice. Then I placed my licorice box back in my Ziploc bag and sealed the bag up.

After that, I came out, ready at last for my pill.

I still don't know what that word was, but I know I heard something more than "sorry". One of the worst things of all is when people don't remember what they themselves said. Shirley in particular is bad at this. I can't trust her to recall what she says. I think I need to get a tape recorder one of these days.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A disgusting menu for a birthday party

At 8:39 this morning, I heard Mimi, our staff, say something that sounded like "Jay" or "James". I asked, "Is La Netta here?" I heard a response, so I wrestled myself out of bed.

I combed my hair and applied deodorant, then put my sunglasses on and turned off my white sound machine. I checked the news to make sure traffic wasn't on, then walked out of the house. Mimi said La Netta would be here in about five minutes.

"Jay?", she called.

"Yes", I said.

"Do they call you Jay too?", asked Mimi. "I was talking to Jason."

"I thought you said James", I said.

I went back in my room to turn my white sound machine back on. But before I could turn it on, I heard what may have been the M-word on the news.

I walked out, and one of the anchors said this was what he could see without his glasses on. Then I heard him say the word "traffic".

Oh no! Traffic! I went back in my room and started purging "madoless, madoless". La Netta finally came to our house and I left. I took a small spit. Then I entered the van with Rosa, La Netta, Ken and Mike Williams.

As we drove, the spit bubbled inside of me. I heard them say "Alpha Bates", and started thinking of Alphabits cereal, which indoced a gagging reaction. I started gagging with my mouth full of saliva. I made several groans. They said I would have to wait until I got to Jolene's house to spit.

Finally, we stopped at Jolene's. I stepped out of the van and stood on the sidewalk. Saliva flowed from my mouth.

"James! Get in here! James! Hurry up!", called Jolene. Jolene being in a cantankerous mood, I finally headed back towards the van.

As we drove, La Netta told about her mother-in-law having an operation to reduce the size of a hole in her exe. She said the correction would not make the vision better, but would slow down the rate oe deterioration of her exe and vision, before she goes completely blind in that exe. I began groaning.

"What's up with you, James?", asked La Netta.

"This ocular stuff really makes me fluttery in the stomach", I said.

"Makes you what?"

"Fluttery in the stomach."

We drove towards Emeryville Marina. Mike and I both got out. I headed towards the big stall in the men's and resumed purging off the M-word.

La Netta changed Jolene. Eventually La Netta came and asked me whether I was ready. I told her, "Almost".

I purged and purged some more. I just couldn't get a final oatmealy "mxss" to come out.'

"Does you have to use it because Rosa and I were talking about the exe surgery?", La Netta asked.

"No", I said. I told her about the news.

Finally, I got the M-word to come out. I joined La Netta in walking back towards the van.

Next we drove to a Nordstrom's in San Leandro. We looked for turtlenecks. We found sweaters and dress shirts, but no turtlenecks.

A song was playing. "Did they say the I-word?", I asked La Netta.

"No", she said.

"What did they say?"

"It wasn't no I-word", said La Netta.

The line came up again.

"They said it again", I said. "Was that the I-word?"

"This song is not about the I-word", said La Netta. Well, they could just use it as imagery.

Then the singer said it again and again.

"It was 'I get home'", said La Netta.

"Thank you", I said to La Netta.

Ken vacillated between gravitating towards La Netta and gravitating towards Rosa. La Netta kept telling Ken to stay with the group.

When we got back into the van, La Netta asked Ken whether there was anything he wanted to look at. "Just tell me", said La Netta.

"No", said Ken. Ken didn't want to look at anything; he was just moping off.

We stopped by a Mexican place called La Salsa, where I bought a grilled fish burrito. I was order #18.

We went to the office, where we parked in our spot.

Tiffany walked up. She said hi to Jolene and hi to Mike. Then she said, "Here, James". Tiffany had promised me something for my birthday and now she was handing something to me.

It was a little FM radio. It was like the one Lamesha got me, except it was blue. I thanked Tiffany and put it down beside me, next to my burrito. Then she said good-bye.

Ken wandered off. "Ken!", called Rosa.

Ken walked into the office.

I went in to find Ken. I spent some time in the restroom before searching for Ken. I finally was told that he was with La Netta.

I voyaged back towards the van, and told Rosa that Ken and La Netta were now together. Finally, the two of them came back out. We could drive towards our lunch site, Fernandez Park.

La Netta was talking with Rosa about cooking food in soybean oil, lard and grease. Rosa mentioned some grease on chicken. She said, "It drxpped".

"Ewwwwww!" I said.

The moment we got to Fernandez Park, La Netta walked Jolene to the restroom to change herself. "Want to walk ahead of us, so you can get a head start on it?", asked La Netta. She was referring to purging off the word "drxpped".

"Yes", I told her.

I walked ahead. I purged off the D-word while La Netta and Jolene were doing their toilet and diaper activities. I got finished in time to just hang around.

Finally, La Netta said something about Mike. "Did you hear what I said?", asked La Netta.

"Mike's going to lead me back to the van?", I asked.

"What?", asked La Netta.

"I said, Mike's going to lead me back to the van, right?"

"Say it again", said La Netta.

This time I breathed out each segment separately and said it loudly. "MIKE, is GOING to, LEAD me, BACK, to the VAN . . . RIGHT?"

"No, I said Mike has to get to his appointment."

I walked straight out. La Netta was surprised and pleased to see I was already done.

We dropped Mike off in Hercules, then it was Ken's turn. They got the staff to look at an insect bite or two that Ken has had these last few days.

We then stopped at my house.

"James! OK, James! You're home, James!", shouted Jolene.

"You got his name right", said La Netta. "You didn't call him Robin."

"Not Robin, James!", said Jolene.

"Usually Jolene calls James Robin", explained La Netta. "Maybe she thinks he looks like a Robin?"

Jolene grew impatient for Stan to arrive.

I told Rosa about my earlier conversation with La Netta, wherein we had discussed what names people look like. We had decided that I looked like a James, and Jolene looked like a Jolene, and Ken looked like a Ken, but Mike didn't look like a Mike. He looked like an Albert.

Finally, our staff arrived. I got out, with burrito and radio in hand, and said good-bye to Jolene and La Netta. Stan pulled up not too shortly afterwards.

As I ate my burrito, I needed to wipe off some juice. They didn't put any napkins in my bag! Dammit! And someone had thrown away the napkins I had left over from yesterday's burrito.

I headed to the bathroom, but someone was in there. Rodney. Rodney flushed four times.

I told the staff, "What's up with Rodney? He's flushed four times, and he's still in the bathroom!"

The staff got Rodney to come out. I got some toilet paper to wipe, then finished my burrito. At 2:53 I finally threw my wrapper away.

"You're off the hook with your blood sugar", Stan told Rodney. "Cake and ice xxxxx." Rodney had had a birthday party recently.

"Blechhh!", I said.

I headed to the restroom to purge off Stan's "ice xxxxx". I tried to get the taste of cold vanilla ice xxxxx to come up, but all I could taste was cake.

I purged off "ice xxxxx" with the cake taste, then I tried to pour cold water onto my groin to simulate the taste of ice xxxxx. I repeated this several times. When I did the "adolice cradoleam" part, the taste was blank. Empty. Like a blank in a gun. Sometimes I tasted ham from the flesh on my groin.

I poured water on myself again and again. I was even considering showering. I tasted some melted ice xxxxx coming up as I did a "Cake and adolice cradoleam" chant. Now I just wanted the final taste.

I purged on until 3:41, when finally I got it right. "Adolice cradoleam!" Now I needed to go and relax.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Thirsting for a test

I had a cholesterol test on 10:00 a.m. at Monday, so I couldn't eat or drink anything since 10:00 p.m. on Sunday. I got my pill at 9:40, ate my macaroni salad after then, and finally swallowed some pomegranate soda at 9:59.

At 8:45 Monday morning, Stan told me he was ready to drive me. I hopped into his van and heard a rap song singing "bxtty" on the radio. Actually, I'm not quite sure whether he was really singing it, but I would have to purge anyway.

Stan made a cellphone call. I heard his side of the conversation during our drive. As we approached the Richmond clinic, Stan said, "Txsty".

"Blechhh!", I went.

"What did I say?", asked Stan.

"You said the word that rhymes with 'hasty'."

After that, we made it into the clinic. I thought I heard a "whxxps" in a closed room, as some people were laughing. Shortly I was called into the psychiatrist's room.

Stan discussed how there were words that made me purge, and how I bit myself. He told the psychiatrist that I was now taking three milligrams of Risperdal in the a.m. and three in the p.m. instead of two, and nothing had changed.

The psychiatrist changed back from three to two, since I was still biting myself just as often. He said, "Oops, oops" at one point during the session, one time pronouncing the vowel as in "good book" and another time pronouncing it as in "Froot Loops". Stan convinced me he didn't say it with a WH at the beginning.

I went to the restroom where I purged off Stan's "txsty". Then I washed my hands and left to take the cholesterol test.

They brought me into a room where they gave me a shot. Then they bandaged up my arm and I exited the building with Stan.

Stan drove me to CIWP. I met La Netta, then told her I had to go to the restroom to purge.

I first purged off the "oops" and the "oops". Now the rubble was clear to do "whxxps". I purged that off, and got "bxtty" in too.

I asked La Netta what was on our schedule. She said it was posted, so I checked and saw the Dollar Tree. By now I was really thirsty, not having drunk since 10:00 p.m., so I wanted La Netta to take Jolene and me there.

I held onto La Netta's arm. The Dollar Tree begins Halloween in September, so I knew I would have to be extra careful to close my exes.

La Netta looked at two other sections, then we hit the juice aisle. I saw a nice 64-ounce bottle of grape juice. It looked really tempting at the time, seeing how thirsty I was. I put it into the basket I was carrying. I then closed my exes again and walked through the other aisles.

When I was out of the Dollar Tree (which I had made it through without seeing any Halloween stuff), I lifted Jolene's wheelchair back into the van then made it in. I opened the bottle of grape juice in the back seat and took 46 swallows.

We made it to John's office and La Netta asked me how many bottles I had. I told her I had two full apple juice bottles from Wal-mart.

"I thought you got that grape juice because you were out of juice", she said.

"No, I got it because I hadn't drunk anything since 10:00 p.m. for my test, and I was really thirsty", I said.

I carried my grape juice to John's office. I showed him the grape juice and told him about my test.

He said that last time I was very introspective about my logaesthesia. We hit on that and discussed my inability to cure it a little more, then I asked him a different question.

I asked whether he had any Halloween stuff up in his office.

"No, I don't", he said.

I told him about how I didn't like Halloween.

"I know that the creatures that crawl . . . they bother you", said John.

"I don't like las arañas . . . y los esquéletos y huesos", I said.

"The music teacher decorates this room sometimes. If he puts any Halloween decorations up I can ask him to take them down", he said.

"Be sure he takes down las arañas y los esquéletos", I said. "He can put up una bruja instead".

John said he may decorate his own house at Halloween, but he won't decorate his office. He advised me to walk to his door looking down, and let La Netta walk me up.

I showed him my blog entry "Thoughts on Halloween" from last year. He understood fully after reading it.

Check out the blog entry here!

After waiting for Aaron to arrive, John reading several blog entries during the interim, we said "It's been nice seeing you" to each other and I left to drive with Stan, carrying my grape juice bottle with me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


After program on Friday, I came home and Stan drove me to check the results of my tuberculosis test. I walked right in and they checked the swelling on my left arm -- negative!

It's good to know that I don't have tubercolosis, because one time my brother Alex tested positive -- this was when he was 4. They concluded that he contracted the bacterium some bum on the subway in Paris. He was taking amoxicillin for about a year afterwards.

On the way back home, Pia drove me. We conversed about how to keep the flies out of my room, and discussed getting a refrigerator for my room. We also went over the logistics of where to place it. We have my chest-of-drawers in the closet, and my laptop at one end, and my bed in the corner, and a second chest-of-drawers in another region, and my white sound machine, which requires a plug, halfway across the left wall (at least, the wall on my left when I face the laptop).

Shortly before we got home, she spotted a truck. "There comes the ice xxxxx man!", she said. "Ice x-x-x-x-x! Iiiiiice x-x-x-x-x!"

"Blechhh!", I said.

After a while she realized what she had said. "Will you forgive me?", Pia asked.

"Yes," I said.

As we got home, she said, "I apologize. It's too bad that you feel you'll have to do this."

I walked out of the car, and entered the house. I then purged in the bathroom. Boy, did that feel good.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Annual meeting at the office

Today Rosa and La Netta picked up Ken, Jolene and me. Having three clients, the two-coach group was overstaffed, so La Netta could have gone home immediately. However, she had . . .

My annual meeting!

La Netta's son needed to find out what happened on his birthday of June 12, 1997 for a school assignment. I was helping La Netta learn how to use Wikipedia to research historical years in the computer at the office. We found out that the United States introduced its new $50 bill, which was harder to counterfeit, on that date.

I was about to show her how to Google a date when a coach in the adjacent room told a client, "I'll get you some ice xxxxx!"

"Blechhhh!", I shouted. I left La Netta, telling her I'd use the restroom.

I went in and purged, well past the 10:00 minute that my meeting was supposed to start. I finally purged it off. When I got out, they will still having Rodney's meeting.

At last my meeting began. Jo-Ann Amos, my case manger, was there, as was Stan. Lita presided over the meeting.

We discussed participation in the group activities. They said I was participating in the scheduled activity every place we went, not counting lunch -- "when they're not using plastic utensils", said La Netta.

They also suggested taking a shower on Sundays as well as on Wednesdays. Stan was really encouraging me to do that. I told them that that would give me even more hugs to have to cross off my list the next time I saw Lamesha. La Netta said she'd give me a hug on Monday if I showered on Sunday.

They talked about me having conversations with people other than my peers in my core group (Jolene and Ken). The paper they handed out actually listed La Netta, Ken and Jolene as my "favorite people". They got that right. La Netta said that with Mike Williams, Lisa and the like in our group, I was talking with them. Lita asked whether Jolene was my favorite client. "She's the only female you see on a regular basis. Lisa's not in your group anymore, and Sikena is erratic." She asked what I thought of Sikena. I told her that Jolene, Ken, Lisa, Mike, Robert and Edward all talked a lot so I got to know them, but Sikena seldom talks, so I haven't gotten to know her personality.

Use of the restrooms and the purging also came up. We talked about the headphones and how they had stopped working. The report erroneously said that I kept the volume low. I explained to them that when I had the headphones on, I turned them all the way up. Stan said he thought I had them down low. I could still hear words that sounded like the M-word, however. And then there were those gaps in between the songs. One time I had heard La Netta saying "pajxmxs" because of a gap. We decided to keep the goal of reducing restroom use, but cross off the suggestions of taking time out by using the computer or reading, since they don't get me away from the trigger words.

I explained logaesthesia to Jo-Ann Amos. Finally, she asked me why I didn't like plastic silverware. I explained that when I was very young and read Where the Wild Things Are, I stopped eating with a fork after I read the part wherein Max chased the dog with a fork. I imagined eating dog hair (which tasted something like white-erosting cake to me) with that fork. For years I would not eat with any fork. Then when I was 11, they convinced me to eat with one. I could now use a fork, but not if it was made of plastic. Plastic froks were just too tacky, too gross. They made me want to vomit. Soon it spread to all plastic silverware, and I purge at the sight of plastic silverware to this day.

La Netta left to go home when the meeting adjourned, and Rosa was called back to the office. She picked me up, and took the group out to the building where she would pay her cellphone bills. She said it would take 15 minutes.

As soon as I got in there, I cupped my hand around my eyes. A guy walked up and said, "Hey, John Lennon, how ya doing? John Lennon, you're hiding your face!" I knew he was talking to me. Lisa says I look like John Lennon. Lita says I look like John Lennon. Lamesha says I look like John Lennon.

I told him it was not a good day. I was clearly looking down.

"It's a brand-new day!", he said. "Look up! Eat some ice xxxxx . . ."

"Blechhh!", I said.

"What, you don't like ice xxxxx?", he asked.

"I hate it! As a matter of fact, hearing the word was what made my day so terrible."

"Then I don't want to say it to upset you."

I stood behind Rosa. She finally took care of her cellphone business. While I was waiting behind her, I heard a customer in line say "Pardon?" to another customer.

I followed Rosa out the door when she finished. "Good-bye, John", the guy said to me. I told him good-bye back and Rosa asked whether I knew him.

I started to purge off "ice xxxxx" in the back seat when Rosa drove us to the Chinese restaurant. She told me to turn to the right as soon as I went in.

"Do they have the I-word on the left?", I asked.

"Yes", she said. "Ken will lead you."

I followed Ken, and he soon took me to the Chinese food bins. I ordered chow mein, kung pao chicken and vegetables with tofu. They tied my bag up after I paid $4.99, and I asked them to untie it.

It was untied and I felt around for the frok and spoon with my eyes closed. I then let Ken finish his order (which included a Gatorade!) and followed him in single file out the buolding.

I finished off purging the I-word in the back of the van, then carved into "pardon". I got most of the ritual done, but went to the restroom at Vincent Park to finish it.

I came back into the van, but Ken said, "They have cops axx oxxx the pxxxx now". I had to leave to go to the restroom again. Rosa gave me 10 minutes.

It was quick. While I was in the restroom Ken came in there and talked with me about how stupid Robert was. Then I zipped up and Rosa drove us home.

After eating a bit of Chinese food, Stan said I had to go to my physical. I hopped in the van and waited in the waiting room until they called me to Station A.

I then used a restroom to get away from the conversation in the next waiting room. It had instructions about washing hands in English, Spanish and Khmer. I stayed there till my name was called.

I then sat in a chair to get my blood pressure taken, and waited for a man to came in.

"My name is Dr. Shah", he said.

"Shaw as in Artie Shaw?", I asked.

"Shah as in the Shah, as in the Shah of Iran", he said. "But I'm not that powerful."

He asked me if I had any medical complaints. I told him about logaesthesia, which he said was fascinating. He asked whether any family members had had medical problems, and I told them about my father's hypertension.

Dr. Shah said I could come back on Friday to get a cholesterol test. For now, they gave me a tuberculosis shot, two actually, one in each arm. They asked whether I had ever tested positive for tuberculosis before.

After that, I said good-bye to them, and Stan drove me home, where I could eat my Chinese food.

Monday, September 8, 2008

29 going on 30

Today I notched my last birthday as a twentysomething. I turned 29.

We had a celebration all planned out today, with a trip to World Market in Concord and a joint birthday party for Jolene, Ken and me consisting of eating pizza and tacos at Refugio Park. Imagine the idyllic nature of that setting -- Jolene, Ken, me and La Netta sitting together with food purchased with van money, all eating.

When I got in the van this morning, I discovered La Netta hadn't come. Instead we had Rosa and Kay. What a way to ruin my birthday -- no La Netta!

Then Rosa told me we wouldn't be able to go to World Market, even though I gave her the 1975 Diamond Blvd. address. She said she and Kay didn't know how to get there.

Then I discovered that today we were picking up "Mr. Marshall" (i.e. Dante) in Alameda, which would take up a lot of time at the beginning of our day and the end of our day and eat up our World Market time. It was turning out to be a horrible birthday.

We got to Dante's house, and he wasn't there. We had gone to Alameda and back for nothing.

"It's going to eat into our World Market time", I said.

"We'll still go to World Market and Old Navy anyway", said Kay. What the hell? I thought she said we weren't going today.

Kay went back to the office and found the address for World Market. Then she got back out and she drove to Concord.

"Look out for fast food restaurants", she told Ken. Kay and Rosa commented on how the fast food and junk food in Concord were hard to find for a few minutes.

"Ken, have you got our exe out for some fast food?", asked Kay.

"Ewwwwww!", I said.

"Did I say something?", asked Kay.

"It was the K & E words", I said.

"She didn't say the K & E words. She said, 'Got your exe out'," said Rosa.

"Well . . . the G & E words", I said.

"Ah", said Rosa.

I began to purge in the back.

Finally we found our destination site. We skipped Old Navy (a site La Netta had put there in order to spend our whole period of time at Concord) to have time to go to World Market.

I looked at these things called Digestive rolls. They came from the makers of Tim-tam. But they said "txsty" on the box. I stuck my tongue out in disgust, unable to eat things that were txsty.

I noticed some assorted German cookies called Noblesse in the cookie aisle. I placed them in the shopping basket I held.

I pointed out some alphabet pasta and teddy-bear shaped pasta to Rosa. "Have you ever seen penis pasta?", I asked.

"No, I haven't had the fortune", she said. "Have you seen it?"

"I've seen pictures of it in a book", I said. "Real pasta shaped like penises."

"That sounds like something that would be good for a bridal shower", said Rosa. "Once I went to a bridal shower, and they handed out cocktail glasses -- with penises in them. That was so funny. I kept it for a few years." Rosa loves talking about genital parts and bodily functions.

I saw something from Txsty Bite (a manufacturer of Indian food). Something else to purge off.

I picked out some of the candy shaped like raspberries and blackberries, and then I picked up a bag of johannisberries. Rosa noticed some pomegranate soda from Italy, knowing that I liked pomegranates. I picked it up, and then I was ready to go.

I made my purchase, even telling the cashier it was my birthday. After paying $13.something, I walked out to the van with the others, where I began to purge off the two "txsty"s.

We got my tacos and stuff, spending $5 out of the $20 van allotment money for my food. Then we bought pizza. We then stopped at the Dollar Store for a tablecloth and cups, not to mention soda.

I wasn't going to even be able to eat my tacos with the group, due to my having to purge off the two "got your exe out"s. So they didn't bother bringing out the tablecloth. I went to the restroom where I finished purging off the "txsty"s, then got to all the "exe"s. I had seen a lot of exes at World Market and heard a lot of words with /ai/ in them, so it was a long purge.

While I was in there, one of the coaches spoke to me. She told me to head back to the van as soon as I was finished with the restroom, as there were a swarm of bees at Fernandez Park.

In the restroom, I heard a little girl outside say "Ice xxxxx". I wasn't 100% sure she said it, but it sure sounded like it. I immediately began to purge that off.

Finally I finished with the "got your exe on" purging, and headed out to the van. "I'd forgotten there were all these bees", said Kay.

"What I don't like", I said, "is all the arachnid life. I can't even touch the Braille on the men's bathroom sign because it's covered with cobvebs."

"I didn't even notice that", said Kay. "I'm not a very observant person."

We got inside the van. Kay began singing, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to . . . cry if I want to."

She got to the verses. When she sang, "Oh, what a birthday surprise", I began to sing along -- "Judy's wearing his ring."

"You know that song?", asked Kay.

"'It's My Party' by Lesley Gore", I replied.

"You're right!" We started to sing "Splish Splash", then we left off to start drops.

I was dropped off at John's. When I looked at the clock at the time John came out, however, it said 2:42. Oh no! I had to stay in until it said 2:44, then 2:45 . . . then at 2:46 I was ready to go.

When I entered John's office, the clock said 2:42 again. I looked at it all through 2:44 and 2:45.

I told John about the words, and about how La Netta didn't come. "And you know whom else I want to see on my birthday", I said.

"Yes," said John, "You're still waiting, aren't you?" He told me that La Netta is thinking of me on my birthday right now. It was a comforting thought.

John gave me a card. I decided I'd open it when I got home.

"It seems that things in your life are going pretty good right now", John said, "even if you did hear some trigger words, and even if La Netta can't be with you today."

I told him about how I caught Jason stealing my money.

Eventually, we said our usual good-byes when Aaron came. Then Aaron drove home with Stan and me. I asked for the alternative station for my birthday. It played Green Day, then a song I didn't know, then "Two Princes" by the Spin Eoctors. Eventually we got home.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Analyzing the I-word

Not too long ago, during this summer, La Netta asked me, "Do you think you hear the I-word more often during the summer?"

I said I didn't know. It would be an interesting idea: when the weather gets hotter, people eat more ice xxxxx, and then they need to talk about ice xxxxx more often, which results in more purging by yours truly.

Well, now I can test this hypothesis out. Using the blog entries from this past year, I found all the entries tagged with "I-word", and checked out what dates they occur.

Since the seasons don't line up exactly with the months, I'm using astrological sun signs here instead of the months to group blog entries together.

Considering September 3, 2007 was just an introduction and not a commentary on the day, I decided to start with September 4, 2007 and end with September 3, 2008, for one whole year.

This is the count for I-word tags:

Libra (September 23 - October 23): 5
Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): 5
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21): 2
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): 2
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): 5
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): 3
Aries (March 21 - April 19): 3
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): 6
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): 5
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 8
Leo (July 23 - August 22): 4
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): 6

Autumn total: 12
Winter total: 10
Spring total: 14
Summer total: 18

See that bulge of eight the month summer begins! People really got a craving for ice xxxxx at the summer solstice. The I-word also reached its nadir in late autumn and early winter, with only two per sun sign.

Looking at the seasonal counts, "ice xxxxx" reaches its low of 10 hits in winter, and hits its high of 18 hits in summer. There's the effect of the season, on display!

Of course, the tags aren't perfect. Sometimes I put a tag on from dreaming about ice xxxxx rather than hearing the word. Sometimes a tag reflects having to ask someone whether so-and-so said the I-word, and being tole that they didn't. But that isn't season-specific, and so it shouldn't unfairly overrepresent one season more than another season.

Just to show how prevalent "ice xxxxx" is during the summer, on some of those days I heard the I-word on two separate occasions. Consider the entry "Ice xxxxx, twice xxxxx", for instance. If occasions rather than days where I heard the word are counted, the number of occurrences of the I-word would be even higher during the summer.

I guess La Netta was right after all. Eighteen more days of I-words for me, than I can put that word at the back of my mind . . . for a while.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

My blog celebrates its first anniversary

Today Paralyzed Into Dance, the blog that chronicles my struggle against obsessive-compulsive disorder, is celebrating an anniversary. It is one year old.

In 2005 the seed was planted for a blog that talked all about what I did at program today and the words I heard. I thought about it for months and months, sometimes imagining how a day would look if it were presented in blog form. I never seriously acted on these thoughts until September of 2007.

On September 3, 2007, I wrote my first entry:

My blog was now officially founded.

I was 27, almost 28, when I wrote that entry. Now I'm 28, almost 29. Everything else I wrote in that entry still applies. And that leads to another thought . . .

How little my life has changed. When I wrote that entry, I was purging multiple times a day, sometimes dozens of words/objects in a single day. I was crippled from looking around me and finding my way around places I went. I would have to walk up to people and ask them what they had said, so I didn't have to do some unnecessary purging on what wasn't a trigger word after all. I would have to wash if a particle of dead bug, or anything that might be a particle of dead bug, got on me. With soap. I ziplocked my bags, sealed well. I had no pair of headphones.

And the only real thing that's changed is my Internet browsing. I now have a Greasemonkey filter that changes the words in the pages I view to their xx'd versions, thanks to some guy on the 4thkingdom board named Tasslehoff_B. Viewing Internet computers is no more peaceful and so less time-consuming. But everything I did then, I still do now.

I was hoping Paralyzed Into Dance would catch on. But the blog is such an unknown over the Internet that I dance like a puppy if I get even one reply to my entry. Searching "paralyzed into dance" on Google returns only two pages of hits.

I was hoping "logaesthesia" would become a household word. But to this day, the word returns only seven hits on Google. No psychologist or psychiatrist has become really interested in it, even with its strangeness and unexplained nature. I have never had an appointment to visit with a psychologist who put me through tests to study logaesthesia, which is what I really wanted. All I ever hear is that they've never heard of anything like it. Except for Dr. Gorodetsky, who says he met other people who tasted words, except they didn't suffer from it.

My mission statement when I first wrote my opening blog entry was that Paralyzed Into Dance would help the world understand OCD better. I don't think it's done that, due to the extremely esoteric nature and anonymity of this blog. Here's to hoping my next 365 days won't be like my last 366 days. A rush in Google hits, a scientific insight into logaesthesia, a Newsweek or even a Wired article on my blog . . . anything like that would be of assistance to me now.

I get my sunglasses cleaned

Today, we had to drive all the way over to Alameda to pick up Dante. "It doesn't make any sense", said La Netta. "They want him dropped off at 2:00. By the time we get back, we'll be dropping off Jolene at 4:00".

We finally picked up Dante and stopped in front of a park. I saw Rosa eating with plastic silverware. Gross!

Our next stop was the office. Rosa had to go in. La Netta told us that Mike and I would have to wait.

"But Rosa's going in the women's restroom, and Mike's going in the men's", I said.

"Ken's going in now", said La Netta.

"Oh. I didn't know that."

When it was finally my turn to go in, I entered the men's restroom and locked the door. I purged off the plastic silverware. Then we were out.

We made our next journey into the Chinese restaurant. There were people in line standing without ordering. They explained that they were waiting on the fish.

"Well, I am too!", said La Netta.

I ordered some sesame chicken, mixed vegetables with shrimp and my usual chow mein. La Netta continued to wait for the fish to be brought out.

La Netta showed me out the door. I walked back to the van and explained it to Rosa.

La Netta finally got back in, and we drove along, holding a conversation. The conversation turned to babies crawling.

"Ricky never crawled", Rosa said about her 6-year-old son. "He just sort of scxxted".

"Rrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Sorry!", said Rosa.

We made it to Emeryville Marina. By now I was tired of sitting, but we weren't parked by the restrooms. I really wanted to get out, however.

"There are trees, and the restrooms are far away", said La Netta.

I whined.

"Or you could stand out there by the water."

So I stood by the water. I stood there until we were ready to get back in the van and drive over to the restrooms.

When we drove to the restrooms, La Netta asked me if I wanted to give her my shades so she could wash them in the women's restroom. I said it sounded like a great idea. Handing her my sunglasses, I walked into the men's restroom with my hands over my eyes.

I went in the stall and began purging off "scxxted". No "over" aeter it this time, which made it easier.

"James, I'm done with your shades", said La Netta. "Want to get them?"

"I'm sitting on the toilet seat", I told her.

When I got done with my urination, I flushed. Later I walked out, hands still cupped over my eyes, to where La Netta was standing.

She gave me my sunglasses. They looked wonderful.

In the van, we drove Dante home, then Mike. We talked about what kind of birthday party we'd like for Ken, Jolene and me this year.

"I want ice xxxxx", said Jolene.

"James doesn't like the I-word", La Netta told her.

"I do. I want ice xxxxx!" Jolene repeated it several more times. As we drove to Ken's house, I purged in the back.

Eventually we dropped Ken off and it was my turn. I was still purging in the back while Rosa reeled off anecdote after anecdote.

Jolene told me Stan was here. I said good-bye to her and thanked La Netta for cleaning my shades. When I went inside the house, I finished purging off Jolene's I-words.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Repeat of Thursday

Oh no, is this déjà vu? It seems the mishaps of Thursday are being repeated today at CIWP.

We started with La Netta and Rosa picking up Mike Williams, Ken, Jolene and me. Then they had to take La Netta and Jolene to the office to stay there because CIWP was overstaffed.

"CIWP is sponsored by . . . Burger King", said Mike. "Have it your way."

We drove to Goodwill. I bumpee into objects before finding some sofas to sit on. The time we spent at Goodwill was, all in all, pretty brief. The rest of the time I was holding on to Rosa's arm.

"Visit us at Jacuzzi Street . . . or go to," said Mike.

Our next foray was into the bowling alley. Rosa showed me the way to Lane 27. "Now are you going to tie your shoes?", she asked.

"I never learned how to tie them", I said. Long live Velcro!

So Rosa tied them for me.

Mike got three strikes in a row. All I did was get a spare. It was turning out to be not too good a day.

"This portion of CIWP is brought to you by . . . Ross", said Mike. "It's a brand-new day."

As we drove up to Miller's Knots, that was where the trouble really began. I thought I heard an old man outside saying "whxxps" in the middle of a sentence, so I walked out and headed towards the Miller's Knots restroom.

"Bring over some more ice xxxxx!", yelled someone in another group.

That same person was yelling about ice xxxxx. She must know it makes me purge. Great.

I walked up to Rosa. "Who said the I-word?", I asked her.

"I don't know. But we're going to leave in a second, so you should probably go to the restroom now."

I ran to the restroom and as I was purging off the I-word, I heard that same coach as last time I came here, once again:

"Who made this mxss?"

"Ewwwwww!", I exclaimed.

"James?" called Rosa from afar. "Let's go!"

"OKAYYYYYYYYYYY!", I yelled back.

I finished purging off the word "ice xxxxx", then got in the van.

"And another yellow school bus", said Mike.

We dropped Mike home, and he thanked us for being here at CIWP. Then we drove to Taco Bell, whereat I got a chicken chalupa, a crunch wrap supreme and a spicy chicken burrito. I purged off "whxxps" in the back seat as we drove.

We dropped Ken home, then we parked in front of my house. Stan came after not too long. I purged off the word "mxss", then ate my Taco Bell order.