Wednesday, April 30, 2008

More fun with the SC-word

We got in the van with Kay today. As Kay drove to Lisa's house, she was talking about how she liked to have fun with the clients. "I might buy them some ice xxxxx . . .", she said

"Blechhh!", I replied, grossed out.

"O-o-o-o-oh!", said Kay, as if to say, "Shoot!" She apologized.

I held it in until we got to Lisa's. Then, I started purging and purging. I purged off all the "I see"s and "nice"s, then got to the "ice xxxxx". Four "adolice cradoleam"s making a slanting roof, like a surface touch of vanilla ice xxxxx with some cone. Then I tried to get the final thrust. Kay called Lisa three times.

I purged and purged, but I just couldn't get it by the time Lisa finally came out. It had been a long time, but I couldn't get it right. Dammit!

I covered my eyes as we drove back to the office to drop Lisa off there. There's a Frosty Freeze on University Avenue. After a while, Kay said, "We're out of that area."

"So it's safe to uncover my eyes now?", I asked.


With our group being away from Frosty Freeze, my hands were free to purge some more. I still hadn't finished by the time we got to the office.

I got out and used the restroom. I purged off all the "ice"s in various words I had heard along the way, then turned on the fan. It rotated creakingly as I purged off more of those "adolice cradoleam"s. I tried to think that casual, sunny "mearc cie" to clean out that casual, sonny "ice xxxxx" Kay had said.

La Netta called. She asked if I was ready to leave.

"Almost", I said.

"In about a minute?", asked La Netta.


I kept feeling I was almost there, then I washed up and left for the van. I didn't tell them that my purging was incomplete. La Netta told me I was in there for an hour.

I purged in the back of the van all the way to lunch, then when we finally got to that park in Hercules, I got out of the van and used the restroom.

I stayed in there for a while. I alternated listening to the kids playing some sport outside, purging off the I-word. and clearing words like "nice" and "I said" that the kids may have said while I wasn't listening to them. I did one "adolice cradoleam" that felt really good, and left me feeling as if I had "gotten it". But I wanted to capture that airy "ice xxxxx" Kay had said. Something that tasted like cone with a bit of vanilla. A "matt" texture.

As those neurons fired, I finally did a scrapy "adolice cradoleam. adolice cradoleam" that made me feel satisfied -- one thrust at the groin, one thrust over my chest. I zipped up and washed my hands.

Then, as we headed towards Ken's house, Jolene suddenly got in a yelling mood. "Stop hitting me!", she yelled. She said that her father was hitting her on the head. La Netta and Kay tried to convince her her parents were nowhere around, but she persisted in telling her father not to hit her. I suggested maybe Marcus was hitting her, but Kay said he was in his seat.

We dropped Ken off, then it persisted as we headed towards Marcus' house. We dropped Marcus off, and La Netta told Jolene, "All that yelling and screaming is making me nervous". She said that if Jolene continued to yell, she wouldn't be able to navigate her way home.

"My head hurts!", yelled Jolene. Kay tried to calm her down as La Netta walked the blind Marcus to the door.

Kay offered Jolene the front seat, but she kept yelling. She let Jolene lie down, but she said Jolene could only lie down if she was quiet, and she wasn't quiet. Finally, Kay said, "Scxxt over, Jolene."

I growled.

"Oh, shoots!", said Kay. "Sorry, James."

I was next to be dropped off. As I got out, Kay said, "I'm sorry for ending your day the same way I started it."

Stan said I had to take a ride with him. When we finally got to our destination, it turned out to be Aaron's house! I came in and used the bathroom.

I did some "scadoloot" and "scadoloot over" to clear all the times I had thought the word to myself. Next, came purging off Kay's original "scxxt over".

I sat and thought. I tried to think of carrot slices, I tried to think of cooked carrots, I tried to think of carrot carvings, I even tried to think of carrot soufflé, but nothing I thought could replicate the way Kay had said the SC-word. In fact, I was trying to remember how she had said it.

Aaron came, and asked me what I did today. I told him all we did was stay at the office. I explained to him that I was purging.

Aaron came back, and I was still purging. He said he wanted to hug me.

I spent over an hour in there, but I couldn't get it to feel right. Finally, Stan said we were leaving.

"Let me wash up!", I exclaimed.

That gave me time. I got inspired, and finally did a staticky "scadoloot over". I did it nine times before I was finished. I washed up and was ready to go.

But Aaron had already left. No hugs with Aaron.

45 minutes in the bathroom

Yesterday morning, Clarissa tried to get Robert in his seat. At first it sounded like "Screwed over", but then I figured out what she really said. I growled.

We stopped at the CIWP office where I purged and Jolene's diaper was changed, then stopped at the auto shop near the CIWP office on Jacuzzi Street. The worker there worked to fix the middle seatbelt in the back row, which was missing. That way someone could sit between Marcus and me. Marcus and I both had to get out so the man could work in the back row.

He took Jolene's wheelchair out. "Hey, don't take my wheelchair!", said Jolene. La Netta explained that he was just putting it outside so he could work in the back.

Kay, who was next to us, found Jolene's coat in her van. La Netta was delighted to see that her coat had been returned. "Were you looking for this?", she asked Jolene.

"I was looking for it last night", Jolene said.

Now Marcus and I were ready to get in. Clarissa guided Marcus in. Then, all of a sudden, I heard her say, "Whxxps!"

"D'OH!" I slammed my right fist against my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH!" La Netta grabbed my right hand from me and stopped the banging. I lent her my left hand, and then used the right to finish the perfect "d'oh".

"Clarissa didn't mean it", La Netta said.

I got in the van and asked Clarissa why she had said the WH-word.

"Marcus almost hit the edge of the car", she said.

La Netta drove me over to the CIWP restroom a second time. "If you're quick, I can take you to that Chinese place", she said.

I went in there and purged off that WH-word. I was out not long afterwards.

La Netta drove me into a Chinese restaurant, where I ordered chow mein, tofu with eggplant and basil fish.

The day was uneventful until I got home and ate my chow mein. I let Aaron visit Fourth Kingdom and look up cheat codes on my laptop. Then, after I slept awhile in bed, Stan came in and announced that he had to take Aaron and Charles home.

I stayed outside while Aaron, Charles, Bernard, Jason and Rodney were getting into the van, so I wouldn't hear a "scxxt over". Then, as soon as everyone else was in, I unplugged my ears and got in the front seat of the van.

Aaron kept asking Stan to stop by the 7-11 to look for his Game Boy there.

"Not if you keep reminding me!", said Stan.

They stopped at the 7-11. "Don't buy anything there", said Stan. "Just ask them if they have your Game Boy, and get out". Jason got out of the van too, and Stan told everyone that Jason had money. Someone said he was going to buy cigarettes.

Aaron came back and said the Game Boy wasn't there. He asked Stan if it was on the floor of his truck. Stan got annoyed and said the had searched the truck backwards and forwards. Then he told Bernard to search for it.

While Stan got out for a while, Charles said, "Scxxt over, Rodney."

"Rrrrrrrrr!" I asked Charles why he said the SC-word if Rodney was sitting in the right seat.

"He had the wrong seatbelt on. I needed to get his seatbelt."

On our trip to Aaron and Charles' house, Aaron asked me about the purge-inducing words. "Are you going to print out a list of all the words I can't say?"

"Yes", I said.

"Can you write them out? Because I can't tell what words you are if you don't write them out."

"No, I can't write them out."

"Will that make you purge?"

"Yes, it will."

"Are there any color words I can't say? Like 'red', 'orange' . . . ?"

"There aren't any. You can say all the color words, Aaron."

"Are there any words beginning with T that make you purge?"

"Well, there's the word that rhymes with 'hasty'."

"Oh, that one? OK. Any more?"

"And there's the word that rhymes with 'single'."

"I think I know what it is. Can I say the first three letters?"



"Yep. It's that word."

"That, and the word that rhymes with 'nasty'", said Aaron.

"It doesn't actually rhyme with 'nasty'. One ends in /æsti/, and the other ends in /eisti/."

"There's 'txsty' and there's 'nasty'. 'Txsty' rhymes with 'nasty.'".

"What did you say?"

"Nasty -- txsty. T-X-S-T-Y." (Note: Aaron didn't actually say "X" when he spelled it out.)

"Aaron! You said the word!"


"Aaron, just be quiet!", shouted Stan, at his wits' end.

We finally got to Aaron's house. I got out to purge in their bathroom. "We're leaving", said Stan.

I got in the van, and Stan turned on the radio. A few R&B songs, then someone started rapping.

I plugged my ears after a while. "Stan, this song has really got me on ends," I said.

"What?", asked Stan.

"Stan, this song has really got me on ends."

"What did you say?"

"Stan, this song has really got me on ends."

"What does that mean?"

"It's making my nerves all stand on end. I don't know how to say it literally."


"I'm afraid they might say a word."

"This song doesn't have any of the words in it."

We finally made it home. Tiffany was there. I went straight into the bathroom and purged off all the "ice"s and "nice"s, then finally did the four "txsty"s -- the three Aaron said and the one he spelled. I kept thinking the word and having to do more rituals. Finally, after I did the last "tadolasty" and the last "adolice cradoleam", I had it nailed.

Then I carved into that "scxxt". It was difficult to get the feeling right, but I finally got it, carrot taste and all.

It was 5:08 when I had walked into the bathroom. It was 5:53 when I got out. I had spent 45 minutes in the bathroom.

Monday, April 28, 2008

They might be dead dipsers

Today we went to a 99-cent store. La Netta took me through several aisles, and told me when to close my eyes. In the juice section, I finally selected a strawberry and banana cocktail, and from the cookie aisle I picked a Danish box of vanilla wafer rolls. I paid for them both at the check-out, and they came out to just over $2.

Then, while we were driving in our van, our van made a sudden stop. I heard a roll. La Netta gave me the plastic bag that had the juice bottle in it. We said she couldn't reach the box of wafer rolls.

I saw some black specks on the bag, and therefore inspected my hands. The middle finge of my right hand had a big black speck on it, with several smaller, grainy black specks. Were those pieces of a dipser that had died in the van? I told La Netta I had to wash my hands.

We dropped Lisa off, then took the freeway and got me to Davis Park. I was lucky it had been such a short time. I unbuckled my seatbelt, then walked to the back of the van and used my left hand to open the back door. I then took the lid off the box in there, and took out the bottle of soap.

I walked to the restroom, then I thought about my need for paper. I headed back towards the van and ripped some paper towels off the roll in the box. I then could go back into the restroom.

I stood my soap bottle atop the paper towel on the sink so the wind didn't blow the paper towel away. I washed all the specks off my hand. Then I poured some soap on the paper towel, and then wet in. I wahed and washed until I saw bubbles.

Ken was standing there, so I gave him the soap bottle I was finished with. I then pushed the button on the sink to wash off my middle finge, which had been soaped, and my left hand, which had handled the soap. I scraped some Risperdal containers' edges across my right hand's middle finge and threw them away.

I was done. La Netta drove to Ken's house and then received a call stating that my appointment with John had been cancelled. We took Marcus home, and before I knew it, I was home. I fell asleep quickly.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Don's day out

La Netta told me she would be absent on Friday, so I requested Don for the day. As I had expected, he picked me up that morning of the twenty-fifth. He had Emanuel with him; no Robin, and no Jeremy.

He asked me where I wanted to go, and having missed Barnes & Noble on Thursday, I requested a trip to Barnes & Noble.

"Do you know what 666 is?", asked Emanuel.

"It's the Mark of the Beast", I replied.

"Where does it say that?"

"It's in the Bible. It says to beware of six hundred threescore six".

"Where in the Bible is it?"

"I don't know the exact verse."

"Is there anything else you know about 666?"

"Well, if you get a license plate with 666 in the number section, bad things will happen to you. Your cat will get run over, and you'll get a computer virus, and your car will crash."

We walked into Barnes & Noble and headed towards the Pop Rock section. I found KT Tunstall's Eye to the Telescope and listened to the first track on the CD. I also listened to some Blur and Marilyn Manson. I had told Emanuel that Marilyn Manson may be the Antichrist so I wanted to show him what his music sounded like.

I demonstrated to Don how to listen to a sample of the CD's by moving their bar codes over the scanner. I told Emanuel that some people think bar codes are the Mark of the Beast.

I made it into the restroom with Don and Emanuel and we all urinated. While we were in there, Emanuel asked me about Lucifer, and said that he used to be an angel. He asked me whether one could trust that the Bible was telling the truth about Lucifer.

"I don't think so", I said. "Because the story about Lucifer is that he tried to fly higher than God, and God demoted him to Satan for that. Do you really think God would do that? Because that's a pretty stupid reason to demote him from an angel."

Emanuel agreed.

A little while later, while I was no longer on the toilet seat, Don came in again and said the security said we had to leave the bathroom. "They must think we've been in here too long", said Don.

Luckily, I had just flushed the toilet and was on my way out.

I don't know what Emanuel was doing. I theorized that the security guard had overheard Emanuel and me talking.

When we got done with Barnes & Noble, Emanuel requested to be taken to People's Park. Don said, "Why don't we stop by the mission first?"

But the mission did not come first. The next place Don drove was People's Park, where I said adios to Emanuel.

That was when the purge words began to pile up.

Don made another stop. Not walking to look up and look around lest I discover he had driven to an ice xxxxx parlor, I asked, "Is this the mission?"

"Pxrdon?", replied Don.

I growled heatedly.

"Oh, is that a word? Pardon?", Don asked.

"Yes, it is", I replied.

"I'm sorry." Then Don said, "I don't know why I said it, because I never use that word. I'll always say 'what?'. It sounds like an old person -- 'pardon?'"

"It's a word people over 50 use."

"And I'm 49."

"Don -- you're not 49!"

I purged that word off in the van, then a little while later a weather forecast played on Star 101.3. April Sommers said, "Lots of sunshine axx oxxx the pxxxx".

I asked Don to turn off the radio. He did so with no fooling around. Luckily, he turned it off immediately after I heard the phrase "axx oxxx the pxxxx", so I was able to purge it off quickly without having to purge off other "all"s or "over"s or "place"s.

I told Don I wanted Chinese food for lunch today. He suggested the place I usually went when I was with Don, but I told him I wanted somewhere different. I said Chef's was good, but he didn't know where that was. "I won't eat at that Chinese food place, because they just slxp it out, he said."

"Ewwwww!", I responded.

"Slxp? Is that a word?"

"Yes, it is. It's gross!"

"Can I say 'slap it out'?"


I purged off the word "slxp" in my back seat as he drove around. He suggested In-N-out Burger, before I finally settled on our usual Chinese place. I told him it was called Asia Delight or Asian Delight.

When we went there, there was a boy with a thick African-American accent talking on his cellphone standing outside. It sounded as if he said "ice xxxxx cone."

"Did he say the I-word?", I asked Don.

"No, I didn't say it," Don replied.

"No, did he say the I-word?"

Don told me the boy was speaking a foreign language.

I went in and waited for the five people ahead of me to make their orders. Then it came my turn, and I ordered chow mein, mixed vegetables with shrimp and salt-and-pepper fish. I had to wait an extra amount of time for the chefs to bring out more fish.

Finally, they came, and the waitress gave me my Styrofoam container in a bag and collected my money. I felt around with my eyes closed and took out the plastic frok. Then I left and got in the van, where I started purging off the I-word. First I had to purge off all the occurrences of the word "rice".

I finally got done with all the "slxp"s and all the "ice xxxxx". I talked with Don, and Don told me that Aaron would regularly come to greet him and show him his Pokémon game in the morning when Don came for Emanuel. Every day, Don said, Aaron would ask him to "say hi to James". So Don said hi to me for Aaron.

I talked to Don about the different people in Stan's group homes. Aaron, Emanuel, Bernard, Charles.

He talked about the things he did for Emanuel and me. He discussed the beauty of freedom from schedules. Don takes Emanuel and me everywhere we want to go if we just ask him. "Although I still keep an exe on you guys", he said.


"Oh, damn it! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that! That just slipped out!" By now we were at Davis Park.

I got out to go to the restroom, and spent what must have been thirty minutes in there purging. Finally I came back, and Don was ready to drive me home. Pia was already in her car, ready to take me in.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

You hit the self right on the head

It was Shirley and La Netta again today. With Shirley in the van, trouble set in in the morning as she talked about people working in a restaurant. "And then there's all that mxss in there . . ." she went on.

"Did you say there was meth, like the drug, in there?", I asked. Just wanted to make sure she didn't say the M-word.

"No, I said the lady there's mxssy", said Shirley.


"I'm sorry."

Then there were two times I thought I heard Ken say "whxxps". La Netta assured me that he didn't actually say the WH-word, but she couldn't come up with a convincing answer as to what he did say.

We stopped at Lisa's apartment. Lisa had said she didn't want to be in this group anymore because of a certain person, and Lita told La Netta we wouldn't have to pick up Lisa anymore, but that woman was back on the schedule today.

As she stumbled her way onto the middle row, Lisa sat in the middle seat in the middle row instead of the seat behind the driver. "Scxxt over", Shirley told her.

"Rrrrrrrrr!" I made my growl at full volume.

Shirley apologized. Then Lisa told her she couldn't sit in the left seat because Marcus was sitting in the left seat of the back row, and he would attack her if she sat there. They finally got me to sit in the middle seat of the back row, with Shirley at the end, and put Jolene and Lisa in the middle row, with Lisa at the end. That Marcus has been taking off his seatbelt and trying to touch the steering wheel for the past few days, and when he does that he often hurts other clients making his way over.

I heard Shirley struggling with fitting the walker in the back compartment of the van. I warned her not to say the WH-word, and she said she'd try.

Next, La Netta drove us over to the office. As Lisa got out, I heard Shirley say "Whxxps . . . easy."

"What did you say before you said 'easy'?", I asked Shirley.

"I didn't say 'easy'."

"What did you say then?"

"I didn't say anything."

"La Netta, what did Shirley say?"

"She said the OO-word with 'Take it easy'," said La Netta.

"Shirley, you said you didn't say the word 'easy'!", I indicted her. If I couldn't trust Shirley to know whether she herself had said the word "easy", how could I trust her to know whether she had said the WH-word?

La Netta said, "It was O-O-P, take it easy". She was sure Shirley did not say the WH-word.

I then got out to use the restroom. I spent all my time purging off the word "scxxt". I got out just in time for La Netta to drive off to our next program site.

She said she were scheduled to go to the Richmond Art Center, but she took us to Vincent Park instead so I could use the restroom.

As we stopped, I heard a "whxxps" and a "whxxps". Or maybe it was an "oops" and a "whxxps".

"D'OH!" I socked my forehead. "D'OH! D'OH! D'OH" I finally got it just right.

Shirley said I was going to hurt myself with "all that hollering".

"So, one of you said just the OO-word and the other person said the WH-word?", I asked.

"No one said that word", said La Netta.

"Ken, did you say anything?"

"No, I didn't, James", said Ken.

"What you heard was the horn honking twice", said La Netta. It was a 'toot', and then another 'toot'." She explained that she had pressed a book against the steering wheel, and accidentally caused the horn to honk.

"Did you say the WH-word, Shirley"? I asked.

"I didn't say it", replied Shirley.

"So no one said it?"

"No one said it", said La Netta.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you were hitting yourself because of the horn honking." Ever since my days of high school, when I dropped my breakfast and ran out the door to catch the school bus because I heard the driver honking at me, I have hated cars honking.

I went in the restroom. First I purged off all the "oops"es and an "oopsie" before I got to the potential "whxxps"es. I started with Ken's since they were pretty weak and flavorless and I was unsure of what he had really said.

Then I got to the one Shirley said before she said, "Take it easy". That one took a while.

Then I did the car horns. La Netta said it was just a horn honking twice, but I wanted to be sure so I purged off two WH-words like two neat little sandwiches.

After I got out of the restroom I asked La Netta for the soap. I went back in the restroom so I could wash my hands with the soap. I brought it back out and we left off to pick up Lisa.

La Netta told Ken that if he gave up his front seat to Lisa so that the latter could be away from Marcus, she would buy him a hamburger. Ken sat in the middle and La Netta had Shirley order a Big Mac when we drove to McDonald's.

At the McDonald's drive-through window, Shirley made her order, La Netta's order and the order La Netta was making for Ken. Then she said, "Add an ice xxxxx cone."

"Blechhhhh!", I responded.

"Shirley", said Lisa, "He doesn't like that word with ice . . ."

The cashier at the drive-through repeated "Ice xxxxx cone". I unzioped my pants in the back. Since they had just said it, I was able to purge off both "ice xxxxx"s quickly.

My eyes had accidentally popped open before we made it to McDonald's, so I asked whether we had passed by a Frosty Ereeze on our way there. La Netta said no.

Lunch was at Fernandez Park. I got up and stood in the restroom with my hands folding my ears over. When I got out Shirley had finished her cone. Marcus tried to steal Jolene's lunch, while Jolene found something in her lunch that "makes me sick". She proceeded to walk over on her walker and throw her lunch away.

"She really is independent", said La Netta.

I sat in the van for a while. Then Jolene and Marcus were changed by La Netta, so I walked over to the men's restroom to get away from Shirley and have La Netta listen out for words. Then we all got back in the van. While getting our seatbelts on, Marcus took off his seatbelt four times.

"Give him his pill", said Jolene. Then Jolene said, "N-n-n-napnin".

La Netta laughed and told Jolene she had a good idea.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


I had the headphones for a while. At first they worked, except for the gaps in between the songs, but then they started to go silent when I didn't hold them in the exact right position.

Now Shirley tells me I need a good pair of earmuffs.

When we got in the van this morning I told La Netta I was sleepy. Shirley said I should get some sleep in my back seat. I told them it might work if no one talked.

But they did talk. At first they just talked about the essentials of navigating the road, but soon it devolved into a full-blown conversation about their families.

"Guys, I thought you said you weren't going to talk!", I objected.

"You're being nosy if you're listening in on our conversation", said Shirley. "I can fall asleep when someone's talking."

But I had to listen out for words. Shirley, who is not logaesthetic, doesn't.

She said I needed a pair of earmuffs. Not just any old earmuffs like the kind you use to keep your ears from getting cold in the winter, but the kind of earmuffs people ose at rifle ranges. When they have those earmuffs on, they can't hear anything. They could be blasting the radio at full volume, with a traffic report embellished by the M-word playing, and I still wouldn't be able to hear.

La Netta said the way to see whether my headphone player is broken is to turn it on and check whether the CD rotates. I checked it out today and I can't even see the CD inside it. However, I pressed the on button and my headphone player doesn't even turn on.

While Lisa and Shirley were talking about diets during drops, Lisa said, "I had to give up cake and ice xxxxx and . . ."

"Bleccchhhh!", I blurted.

"Oh, no! I said it! I'm sorry, James."

After we dropped Lisa off, La Netta said I could use the restroom when we got to Ken's house. I finally got to Ken's house, and when I got out of the van Stan said he wasn't taking me at Ken's. La Netta explained that I just had to go to the restroom. I spent several minutes in there purging off the I-word, plus several occurrences of "nice" and "I said", then washed my hands.

As La Netta and I walked back out, we came across a construction worker with his ears plugged, doing his work. "Where did you get those earmuffs?", asked Shirley.

"My nephew got them for me. They were a Christmas present", explained the construction worker.

If only I could get my hands on a pair of earmuffs. I would never hear a word at CIWP again. I could even wear them when Stan took me on drives. In conjunction with my Greasemonkey filter, most of my problems would be solved.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The accumulation of words

When I learned we were picking up Shirley and Lisa today, I knew I would be doing a lot of purging. After Marcus, Jolene and I had all been picked up, La Netta drove up to the office where Shirley hopped in.

Shirley talked about the fights at the office, and said, "I don't want to get involved in that mxss".

I responded, "Ewwwww!" Shirley had once told me that the M-word was against her religion. What a liar.

Just a little later on, Shirley said "axx oxxx the pxxxx", and I got grossed out.

"What's wrong?", asked Shirley.

"You said the A O the P words!", I told her.

"Carpet axx oxxx the pxxxx?"

"Those are the A O the P words."

"What if I say 'rug axx oxxx the pxxxx'?"

"That still has the A O the P words!"

From then, Shirley continued talking, and she said "place" or "places" four times.

She started to talk about a leak in her house, and I told her, "Don't say the D-word!"

"What's the D-word?", she asked.

"Rhymes with 'slip'."

"Oh. I didn't say it."

"I was just warning you ahead of time."

Then, later, she said "Drxpping all over the sink."

"Ewwwwww!", I responded.

Shirley apologized. I had "all over" added to my list before I had to purge off "axx oxxx the pxxxx".

Then, as we drove there, I started singing in my head, to the tunes of "Aux Champs-Élysées":

Axx oxxx the pxxxx
Axx oxxx the pxxxx
Jour et nui, sou la pluie,
À midi, et minuit,
Duh, duh, duh, axx oxxx pxxxx
Axx oxxx the pxxxx

I thought about the song "You (Only) Get What You Give" by the New Radicals and sang the ending in my head. I went over it to see if I had thought the words "all", "over" or "place", and realized that the sounds "all" had appeared twice: "You're all fakes, run to your mansions/Come around, I'll kick your ass in".

The word "all" appeared several more times on the drive to our first program site. We were slated for Didi's, but La Netta took me to a Burger King restroom because I needed to purge so badly.

I thought of Chris Daughtry's song "It's Not Over". Finally, we stopped at Burger King and Shirley said she would get some coffee.

I ran into the restroom, but because the group had waited so long to take me there, the words "all", "over" and "place" had accumulated -- from others' speech and in my head. I had even spelled out the phrase (A-L-L-O-V-E-R-T . . .) in my mind and had to think "ee eess ay leh eep ee shtay eet rah ee eev oh leh leh ay", then think "saylp eeth revo llaw, saylp eeth revo llaw". I purged off each letter going forward, then purged off the phrase.

I did several "place"s, and also had to purge off "over" from thinking of the Chris Daughtry song. I did some thrusts for "all" from "
You (Only) Get What You Give", and I had even teased myself by thinking of the word "Wal-mart" so I had to do that too.

I purged off "all" from all the times it had been said or thought. There were probably quite a few words with the sound of the word "all" in them (also, almost, call, wall, ideology) that I had forgotten, so I did it a lot of times.

Shirley had said, "Drxpping all over the sink", so I had to think "revo llaw, saylp eeth revo llaw" and chant "Adolall adolover, adolall adolover the pladolace, adolall adolover the pladolace".

La Netta called my name.

Then, finally, I did those pasta-ey "axx oxxx the pxxxx"s. I chanted, "Adolall adolover the pladolace" to myself several times as I moved my nails around my groin. I came out of the restroom.

The group then went to Didi's, and next La Netta and I went into a doughnut shop. La Netta got a doughnut for herself and Shirley. I asked for a fritter, and La Netta paid for the fritter for me, then I ordered a plain twister for Jolene and a plain cake doughnut for Marcus.

We drove to the office, and I asked La Netta whether I could get out.

"Why do you have to go? No one said any of those words said La Netta?"

"When I was in Burger King I only had time to purge off the A O the P words. I didn't get to do the M-word or the D-word", I explained.

La Netta said she would only be at the office for a little time and I could purge those off at lunch.

We next stopped at a burrito truck. La Netta was discussing burritos and tac
os with Shirley.

"Is that how much you have to pay for those little bxtty ones?", asked Shirley.

I growled: "Rrrrrrrrr!"

"Tell me what I said wrong", said Shirley.

"You said the B-word!"

"For those small ones", Shirley said.

"James, we'll be at Davis Park real soon", said La Netta.

I got out and ordered a $3.50 Super Burrito, con cebollas y cilantro y lechuga y tomates.

We soon stopped at Davis Park. Then, before I got out of the van, I heard Shirley say, "Whxxpsie!"

"D'OH!", I hit myself on the forehead. "D'OH!" Didn't get it right the first time.

"James?", said La Netta.

"D'oh!" "D'oh!"

"I dropped my glasses", explained Shirley. "I thought he was out already."

As La Netta walked me to the restroom, I asked, "She said it with the WH, right?"

"No, without", said La Netta. In other words, she had just said "Oopsie".

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't give me time to. You just kept on hitting yourself."

With my pill in my right pocket, I purged off "bxtty". Then onto "mxss", and finally "drxp".

"Dradolip, dradolip, dradolip, dradolip. Dradoli
p, dradolip, dradolip, dradolip. Dradolip, dradolip, dradolip, dradolip." I said "dradolip" ninety times before doing a final "dradolip" across my groin and a "dradolip" that went up.

I didn't have to purge off the WH-word.

Then I took my pill.

La Netta drove Marcus home, but she was 11 minutes late in getting me to John's office. With John I spoke about all the words I had heard today.

"What do you think helps you best after hearing all these words?", John asked.

"Sleep", I said. "I need to rest after doing all that purging, because the purging exhausts me." When I first came to program, I would get really exhausted by the end of the day because of all the purging I did.

I showed him my two blog entries about Marcus. Then we said good-bye in our usual way and I left out the door.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Marcus spanks the monkey

On Friday, Marcus was in the back seat next to me when he sounded as if he was in pain. La Netta and Kay looked at him, then one of them said, "Do that at home, Marcus, not at program".

"I thought that's what he was doing yesterday, but I wasn't sure. Now I know for sure", said another coach.

Marcus was masturbating.

It got me thinking about how people so often think I'm masturbating when I'm purging. La Netta used to think that my purging consisted of masturbating until one day when I told her that it put me in pain.

In junior high and then in high school, and even at junior college, teachers thought I was masturbating. When my school psychologist held a meeting with some high school teachers and explained to them that I wasn't masturbating, one teacher, Kevin Collins, said that he had actually seen me with an erection while I was purging.

I thought back to a time when Gloria and Kay were the coaches in my van. Kay was driving, Gloria and Shawn Snodgrass were in the middle row, and I was in the back row.

I began purging, "adoleye, adoleye, adoleye". As the rode went on, I continued to do that, and I thrust, thrust, thrust to go along with it.

Then, without warning, Shawn pointed his hand behind him, to me, and said his favorite word: "Loooooooooook!"

"I know, I don't like that either, but just try to ignore it", said Gloria.

And then . . .


"Do that at home, not in here", said Gloria.

"Is something going on?", asked Kay.

"I think he saw another client, and he wants to do something."

"Does he have his hands in the front of his pants?"

Later, when they went to the bathroom to change Shawn's diaper, Kay took him in and he beat the meat. Kay kept trying to change his diaper, then she said, "You're playing with yourself".

I hate him for pointing to me like that to this day.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

We meet Marcus

Today I got into the van this morning after a white van drove up to my house and I saw La Netta and Ken in the front seat.

A new client named Marcus stepped out of the van, in a knit cap. After I got in, Kay and La Netta had to convince him it wasn't our point for getting out. They coaxed him to get back into the van.

Minutes passed, and then some more minutes passed, and Marcus was still outside of the van. They could not get him in! La Netta called Jolene's group home and said they would be late picking up Jolene because of Marcus. As Kay directed Marcus which way to go, the man felt his way around. I wondered if Marcus was blind.

About an hour later, Marcus finally got in the van, and we began to head for Jolene's house. I asked Kay if Marcus was blind, and she said yes.

"He doesn't seem blind", said Emanuel.

"Well, sometimes what people are can surprise you", said Kay.

"Can he talk?", asked Emanuel.

"Well, I'm not going to tell you, 'No he can't', because then you'll say, 'Yes, he can'."

We picked up Jolene, while Emanuel kept asking about Aquatic Park, which was the first stop on our schedule. The coaches said we may not be able to go to Aquatic Park because Marcus took so long.

Finally, we agreed to drop Emanuel off at some place on University Street. He signed out and we said our good-byes to him. Then we got on our way with Ken, Jolene, Marcus and me.

We all spent some time in the office. I used the restroom for urination, and then before I knew it La Netta knocked on the door.

"We're ready", she said.

As we drove off, Kay said, "Everybody buckled up?"

"Yes", Jolene, Ken and I answered.

"That's good, because I'm chxgging off."

Kay stopped at a burrito truck, then she came back with some enchiladas. I couldn't smell them, but Kay said they "had an aroma" to them.

"Jolene", asked La Netta, "Do you like enchiladas?"

"Yes, I do", said Jolene. "My favorite."

When we got to the park, Marcus started feeling around. He felt Jolene.

"Owww!", squealed Jolene.

La Netta explained that Marcus feels around everywhere because of his blindness. He didn't talk, but he sure did touch!

As I got back in the van, I thought I heard, "keep an exe out on Fitzgerald". I stepped out of the van and asked La Netta if she said the K&E words. She said no. She said she didn't even say "Fitzgerald". Kay said La Netta didn't say the word "Fitzgerald" either. I quietly went back into the van without purging.

Before we dropped Ken off, Ken said, "Whxxps", which made he punch myself on the forehead. Ken apologized.

While I waited to purge, we dropped Ken off, then we dropped off Marcus. I learned that Marcus lived at Baby Shawn's group home in El Sobrante.

As we sat in front of my house, I heard a "Whxxps" outside. It was a "whxxps" with the vowel as in "good book", not the vowel as in "Froot Loops" as Ken had said earlier.

"D'OH!" I smacked myself on my forehead.

"What happened?", asked La Netta.

"I h
eard the WH-word", I said.

"I didn't hear it", she said.

"What did you hear?" I asked.

"Not the WH-word." Then La Netta told me she didn't hear anything.

"D'OH!" I smacked myself again.

"What happened?", asked Kay. "Did you hear it again?"

"No," I explained. "It's just that I didn't get it to feel right the first time."


Well, Marcus is going to be a challenging new addition to CIWP and possibly to our group. Who knows what else we'll learn about him.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Trouble at Macy's

Today La Netta picked up only two clients: Ken and me. I thought today was going to be a peaceful day free of purge-inductors. After all, we wouldn't have a second coach to have long conversations with La Netta.

The three of us walked into Krispy Kreme where Ken got a eoughnut. We worked on the schedule. I wanted to put Barnes & Noble on the schedule so La Netta and I could listen to some more music from the pop-rock section. (When we went Monday, La Netta said, "I'll take you next week.") La Netta assured me that they didn't say the K&E words in the song "Mr. Big Stuff".

We then went into Wal-mart, where I bought a Hawaiian punch and an apple juice (of the unsweetened variety).

When we got out from Wal-mart, La Netta drove up to her mother's house, and her mother said something about paying a bill at Wal-mart.

Then the trouble started. La Netta drove Ken and me to Hilltop Mall and took us into Macy's.

La Netta walked by another woman on the bottom floor. The woman told her client, "Scxxt over, dear."

"Rrrrrrrr!", I replied angrily.

"I'll take you to the restroom", said La Netta.

La Netta took me to the restroom, where I purged off the SC-word. "Scadoloot over, scadoloot over, scadoloot over".

I came out of the restroom and La Netta took me by the arm. "She apologized", La Netta said.

"You told her about the SC-word?", I asked.

"Yes." La Netta explained that that woman was a coach from another disabled program.

"Did you explain to her how purging works?"

"No, I didn't get into any details."

With our hands still joined, La Netta took me up the escalator onto the top floor. There she ran into a woman who did her hair.

The woman was raving about these shoes she had found while La Netta and she were in the shoe section together. "I've had my exe on them!", she exclaimed.

I jumped back and shouted, "Ewwww!"

"I'll take you somewhere", La Netta told me.

I told her I needed to go to the restroom again. She took me (with Ken) down on the elevator and explained that I would have more time to purge if she took me to the park instead of a restroom here. I said OK.

She, Ken and I then drove in the van, while La Netta let me use the back seat of the van for purging. She kept the radio off to make my purging easier.

We then went to the Taco Bell drive through to get lunch for Ken. Ken would talk to me about George W. Bush. "Bush is a drunk", said Ken.

"He's a liar and a drunk!", I said.

La Netta joined in our conversation about lies. We discussed Gary Condit, and how La Netta thought Gary Condit had really been the one to kill Chandra Levy.

"He already lied about his aefair with her, so can you believe him when he says he doesn't kill her?" The conversation turned to lying.

"It's like Bush", I said. "First he lied about his drunk driving record, then he's lying about WMD's." When Bush was first talking about weapons in Iraq, I didn't believe him because he had already lied to us about being arrested for drunk driving.

I stopped at the Chinese restaurant. While I was in there, there was a family speaking Spanish and two fathers with two sons speaking English. One of the fathers said, "Scxxt up". I growled. Then I ordered my meal in Spanish: chow mein, sesame seed chicken and broccoli beef.

We drove to Pinole Valley Park. I got out of the van and unleashed a huge stream of saliva. I told La Netta I needed to purge standing up, but all they had were outhouses.

"Why do you need to purge standing up?", asked La Netta.

"Did you hear me growling in the Chinese place?", I asked. "It was the mother who was telling her kids to do the SC-word up."

"So they said the SC-word in Spanish?"

"No, in English."

She explained to me that it had been a father, not a mother, who was speaking in Englosh.

So I didn't get to purge until I got come. I said good-bye to Ken, then got dropped at my house and waited in the van with La Netta, then heard Stan coming up, then went in and purged off the SC-word. Then I ate my Chinese food.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Radio shock

Today Lisa came back with our group, and we went to Barnes & Noble together. La Netta told me we needed to change Jolene, so we could go to the New Age section, which was right near by the restroom. La Netta ended up looking at the educational books instead (she wants to teach Jeremiah that math). We then explored the record section. La Netta wanted to buy a copy of "Apologize" by OneRepublic, but their CD cost $16.99, and a member discount would still cost $15.30. I listened to some Nirvana. Then we gathered up Lisa, who was copying a procedure out of a crocheting book with pencil and paper.

When we went back, Lisa mentioned Cold Stone.

"Lisa, don't say the I-word," admonished La Netta.

Just then, Lisa said, "I was glad that they gave you free ice xxxxx."

"Blechhh!", I said. "Lisa -- you said that deliberately!"

Our next stop was the office, so I entered the restroom to purge. La Netta came to get me, and I bought extra time by washing up. When I was finished La Netta got me my pill.

Back in the van, Lisa requested some KISS-FM. On it was a rap song that sounded somewhat like "Promiscuous". Also like "Promiscuous", they had both a male and a female singing. The male singer said, "Keep my exe on you."

"Ewwwwww!", I exclaimed. La Netta turned the radio off immediately.

She said the song was down so low that she couldn't hear it in the front seat.

"They say the K&E words in that song", I told La Netta.

When I first drove with La Netta, I would tell her that I experienced "radio shock" when they said the K&E words on the radio. La Netta would have to turn off the radio immediately and not turn it back on until I had recovered, i.e. was done purging. Today, I had gone into radio shock again.

La Netta kept it off, but I thought Clarissa Sumilang, the other coach who was working with her who had returned after a long hiatus, said "Whxxps, sorry!

"D'OH! D'OH!" I said six "D'oh"s, trying to bop myself in the perfect center of my forehead with my fist before doing it perfectly.

"What's wrong?", asked Clarissa.

"You said the WH-word!"

"Me?", asked Lisa.

"No, Clarissa."

"Did I? I'm sorry, James."

Later La Netta told me that she had actually said "Whoop, sorry", which was really what I had heard too. So I wouldn't have to purge it off. But when we got to Fernandez Park, and La Netta asked me whether I needed to use their restroom, I said, "Of course! They said the K&E words on the radio!"

To make matters worse, Clarissa had mentioned Popexe's Chicken twice, so I had to purge those two off, with the rest of the "eye"s -- all the /ai/ sounds in "nice", "I'm", "time", "light", "night", etc. As I began purging, I saw an eight-exed dipser in the restroom and took some time purging that off too.

I finally got down to the "keep my adoleye on, keep my adoleye on". It sounded sort of staticky, so I tried to replicate that in my voice. I finished purging before La Netta came to get me.

My appointment with John had been canceled for today, so I, having fully recovered from radio shock, went straight home and ate my two hamburgers with onions only.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I get my first spam

Today, my blog, Paralyzed Into Dance, got its first spam comment.

Câmera Digital wrote in my blog: "Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Câmera Digital, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug."

Sounds like something she writes in everybody's blog. If you don't believe this is spam, see the Google search:

The same generic comment in every blog, indeed.

So far I've only gotten four comments, and only this one of them is spam. Koresh from the 4thkingdom posted on my entry about Dr. Levine once, and two people gave me advice about how to get rid of the harvestman in my attic (the harvestman has since moved).

Since I really, really, really like getting comments though, I think I'll keep this one.

Friday, April 11, 2008

La Netta and I celebrate our anniversary

It was April 11, 2008, the third anniversary of the day La Netta and I met. Tiffany, Jolene and Ken were in the van with me when I told La Netta about our anniversary. (She doesn't keep track of these dates, I do.)

See the following blog entries for the history of my stay at CIWP:

On April 6, 2005, which was a Wednesday, I had just gotten home from Robert's house and the CIWP office called my house. There was no one to pick me up from my home on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.

On Monday, April 11, 2005, I was picked up by Don, who introduced me to a woman with a ponytail and a jean jacket (I later learned that she always wore jean jackets). Did he say her name was Lineta? Lynnetta, maybe. When I went in the van, I saw a binder that had a wxnking kitten on it, and could not wait to purge. I sat in the back seat, but La Netta kept looking back and I was afraid that she would see me. I told Don to get me to a restroom. He finally took me into a Long's, where I purged. Don said we had to go, but I still wasn't finished purging. Finally, I finished.

I got back in the van and we were driving around with Don and La Netta again. I was the only client they had. They brought up going to Cold Stone as an activity.

"Does he like ice xxxxx?", asked La Netta.

"Oh, he hates it," said Don. "Ask him how he feels about ice xxxxx."

"James, how do you feel about ice xxxxx?", asked La Netta.

"Blechhh!", I replied.

Don talked about the way my money falls out of my pocket while I'm sitting in the van. "You have to keep an exe on him", said Don, "because sometimes he loses his money."

I told Don and La Netta that I had to go to a restroom immediately. Luckily, we were headed to the CIWP office.

I purged and purged off the K&E words, my thumbnails making thrusts until I bled, and then I continued to purge even after I started bleeding. La Netta came and said we had to leave the office. I told her I wasn't done with the restroom. She wondered how long it could possibly take to defecate or urinate. I purged some more, hoping I would make seven thrusts that were deep enough to feel the words "keep an exe on" coming out of me.

La Netta told me I could stay in the restroom if I went with Don later instead of La Netta, but she told me that Don was headed to Cold Stone and using the restroom now meant I would have to go inside Cold Stone later, so I said no way. Finally, I got done purging off the K&E words and drove out alone with La Netta.

In the van, La Netta subjected me to a long litany of questions about what activities and foods I like. While I followed La Netta into a Target, she continued to ask me the questions.

"Do you like broccoli?"


"Do you like pizza?"

"I like frozen pizza, but not the pizza from Round Table."

"Do you like to read?"


"Do you like to paint?"


At last La Netta took me home, and said she was delighted with meeting me.

End of flashback. Today, we discussed what we could do to celebrate our third anniversary together. As we brainstormed ideas, we picked up Jolene and then headed towards Lisa's house.

"Good morning, Jolene", I said to my friend.

"You really like Jolene, don't you?", said Tiffany.

When we got to Lisa's house, our coach rang and Lisa didn't even answer. The coaches tried calling her apartment twice but got no answer. They called the office and drove to Jack-in-the-box. Then the office said they got no response from Lisa, so we drove to the office to meet Jolene and my case manager. (That is, to meet the case manager of Jolene and me, not to meet Jolene and also meet my case manager.)

We talked about the absence of a response from Lisa. I told La Netta and Tiffany that yesterday, she had said lightly that she may go to sleep and not wake up. When we got to the office, a staff said that Lisa had told someone else about suicide. Had Lisa committed suicide last night?

I had a new case manager to replace Paula Richardson. Her name was Jo-Ann Amos. Jo-Ann Amos spoke with me just long enough for us to introduce ourselves. Then La Netta said we were leaving, so I asked her for a card. She wrote down her name, telephone number and email. I learned that she was also the case manager for Jolene, Ken, Robert, Baby Shawn, Robin and Rodney.

As we left the office, I saw a truck with what looked like an ice xxxx cone on the side. I asked La Netta if that was the Frosty Freeze van (but first I asked her if it was an Albertson's van, just to make sure.) Then I asked her if it was "a regular blechhh truck", and she still said no.

I explained to them that Aaron called ice xxxxx trucks "blechhh trucks", in reference to my saying "blechhh" in response to the I-word.

Tiffany said, "That Aaron always wants to talk to you. When we calls you on the phone, I tell him you're sleeping. Because I know you, you sleep until 10:00 or 11:00 and that's when you get up."

"And then around midnight, I go back to sleep", I said.

"Yep. Aaron will come into your room, and he'll be all, 'Hi, James!' and James will be talking to him from under his covers, and he won't want to be bothered, and Aaron will keep talking to him."

"Talking to him about Pokémon?", asked La Netta.

"He already has someone in his house who talks about Pokémon all day."

"Bernard", I clarified. "Tiffany says he gives her a headache."

"Every day he comes up to me talking about Pokémon and telling me about all the Pokémon he caught. Seven days a week. When he gets up, he wants to talk about Pokémon."

"Why don't you suggest to him some other things he could talk about, like Mexican food?", I asked.

"He doesn't like Mexican food, he doesn't like spicy food. What he'll eat is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He will talk about food. He talks about Pokémon and food, and that's it!"

Tiffany and I got Taco Bell (she ordered their $4.99 box), while La Netta and Ken got KFC. Jolene said her stomach hurt and she didn't want lunch. Then we picked up Rodney.

We saw a little boy as we were driving who appeared to be cutting school. Tiffany stopped the van and told him he should be in school. She knew the little boy. "He's a cutxe pie", she said.


"Oh, my god! I am so sorry James!", Tiffany apologized. "James, are you going to forgive me?"

At first I didn't answer.

"James, are you going to forgive me?"


With my Taco Bell, we drove to Ken's house, where we dropped Ken off. Then we drove to Davis Park, where I purged in the restroom. I purged "cutxe" off.

We were going to get Jolene a lunch because she started saying, "I'm hungry", but then she changed her mind back, and said she wasn't feeling well enough to have a lunch.

At the end of the day Rodney and I were dropped off together. At the end of this anniversary date, I asked La Netta for a hug.

We hugged together.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I become a regular client

Here is the saga of my stay at CIWP continued. I told the story of my first day at CIWP in the following entry:

On my second day, I was introduced to a man in the office by the name of Steve Westmeier. He was the office behaviorist. He had in interview with me in the conference room, wherein he asked me a lot of questions about what I do and don't like to do. He asked me about whether I like watching sports, and he also brought up concerts. I told him that I liked alternative music.

"Alternative in the Green Day model, or alternative in the jazz model?", he asked.

"Alternative jazz???", I asked, puzzled.

He explained to me that there were several clubs that played alternative jazz. We talked a bit about the music I enjoyed.

He asked me whether I like art, and I told him that I did art.

"Characters, or self-expression?", he asked.

"Self-expression." I was never able to understand how other people could draw fictional characters perfectly.

"Do you like to paint?"


"Too mxssy?"


"Now how about, going out on boat rides? Do you like boats?"

"Oh, no!"

"On a scale of 1 to 7, where would you put boating?"

"A 1."

"Now, I'm going to made a prediction", said Steve. "If you had a choice between watching an Oakland A's game, and going out on a boat, which would you choose?"

"I'd go to the A's game."

"That's what I thought. Now, how about the Internet? On a scale of 1 to 7, what would that be?"

"That would be a 7."

Steve asked me where I like to go on the Internet. I brought up Fourth Kingdom, formerly Four Degreez. He said he had heard of the site. Then Steve asked me whether I like animals.

"Favorite between ducks and cows?", he asked me.

"Ducks", I replied.

"Favorite between ducks and horses?"


"Now, I'm going to throw you for a curve. Favorite between ducks and giraffes?"

"We have giraffes?"

"Well, you could go to the Oakland Zoo with your group."

I had to go to the restroom, and when I got back, Steve had left.

I went with Ken Powell on my second day again, then I was picked up by a coach named Ramal for the third and fourth day. He took me to a lake in Oakland called Lake Merritt, where we went to feee some ducks. He would take just me on this long drives, with no one but Ramal and me in the van. I would lie down on my seat, spread out to get some rest as he drove me there. Then we got to the ducks and fed them. He would take me to McDonald's afterwards, and I would buy McNuggets (no honey at the McDonald'ses out here, so I got my Nuggets with barbecue sauce).

I spent a few days with a girl named Tamara, who was actually younger than I was. As my coach she drove me to Crockett, her hometown, and we also went into her office together.

We had several more days with Ramal. Usually he would have what we call a one-on-one group, taking just one client, i.e. me. We went to different parks and fed ducks together. Although I didn't really hear a lot of words that made me purge, I had one problem. I heard the sound /ai/ a lot. It sounded like hearing the word "eye". I would think people were saying "keep an exe on", especially when I heard an N after the "eye" sound. I was perpetually purging and having to stay away from the /ai/ sounds in other words like "my", "time", "I'm", "might", "night", "like" and so on. Every time someone said a word that had "eye" in it, I would have to purge it off before I got to the "exe on" work.

While we fed ducks, Ramal and I would feed pigeons too. Sometimes geese woold come out instead of ducks. And then there were the pesky seagulls. The seagulls would fly around in circles as I threw food that was intended for the ducks or pigeons, and just as I threw the bread, the seagulls would swoop down and steal it from the other birds. Sometimes the pigeons, however, could fight back and reclaim the food out of the seagulls' mouths.

One day, I was introduced to a man named Don Gray or Grey (I'm not sure how he spells it). He had a client named Bernard Lewis in his van, who loved rap and always had headphones on. Then there was Dante Marshall, a slacker who wore glasses and pants that sagged exposing the crack in his butt. Dante liked old school music. There was a third client named Mike Starosky, whom Don called "Big Mike". He was tall and blonde, with a buzz-cut.

Our first day with Don, we went to the mall. While I went into the music section with Don and the group, he put some headphones over my head so I could hear some good music. We tried a Creed CD.

After we were done listening, Don went to round up his people, but Big Mike was missing. "Mike!", called Don. We walked through the mall, many of us calling out Mike's name.

"I should have kept my exe on him", said Don.

What did he say? "What did you say, Don?"

"I said I should have kept my exe on him."

Great! He said the K&E words. Now I would have to do some hard-core purging. "I want to go back into the van!", I exclaimed.

"First we've got to find Mike", said Don.

"How long until you find him?"

Don didn't know.

"Take me back to the van, Don. You said something that grossed me out."

"What did I say?"

I wanted to tell him not to say "keep an exe on", but h
ow could I tell him without saying the words myself? Don led me into the van and left me there alone, locking the door. Then we went with Bernard and Dante to look for Mike.

I purged and purged off those nasty K&E words. "Keep an adoleye on, keep an adoleye on." Then eventually Don came back. He had found Mike at Macy's. He was looking for cigarette butts on the ground.

"I need to keep an exe on you", said Don.

Oh, great! Now I would have to go through three rituals in total!

Finally, I got done purging off all the "keep an exe on"s. It helped that Don kept the radio off.

When he dropped me home at the end of my first day with him, Don said to my mother, "I've decided that James is a cool guy".

In March, my parents were leaving to go visit Boston with Alex during spring break. Since they couldn't take me along, they resorted to boarding me with Carla and Crystal, at Robert Bradley's group home.

That Robert would ask me "What's your name?" Then he'd ask me "What's your name again", and when I told him again, said, "What's your name?" some more.

He would ask me "Do you love me?" repeatedly. And there there were his questions, "Do you go to school?" (I kept trying to get it through his thick head that I had discontinued school in 2001) and "Where's your mom?" (I wished I had had a globe).

Robert came into my room, sometimes in his pajamdras in the morning, so I had to close my eyes. I would even put my hands over my eyes, and then Robert would always come and scrape them off, so he could see me.

One day while I was in Robert's house, Don picked me up from there and had a "field day" with a woman named Vicky, who was aspiring to be a coach at CIWP. She would turn her head around from her middle row to my back row to ask her questions, and I kept warning her not to turn her head. "Or your head may get sliced off by your seatbelt!" I just wanted to do some purging in the back.

We went to the bowling alley, but we stepped out soon. Every day with Don, I had problems with thinking I heard the K&E words when we went into stores.

Don brought up Cold Stone, where several CIWPers worked. Vicky discussed with Don the pros and cons of stopping there and snacking. "It's just ice xxxxx", said Vicky.

"Blechhhh!", I said.

"What, you don't like ice xxxxx?", asked Vicky.

"I hate it!"

"You're the first person I've ever met who doesn't like ice xxxxx."

"Me too," said Don. "I thought everybody liked ice xxxxx."

We listened to such artists as Maroon 5 and Michelle Branch on the radio, and took a nature walk outside (just Don and me), where we saw some five-petaled flowers that had fallen off a tree.

While Vicky and I had finished our Taco Bell, Don had still not finished his. "You're pxking around," said Vicky.

Oh no! The P&A words! I did some very deep thrusts, while saying "Padoloking around". "Don't turn your head!", I warned Vicky.

Don saw me thrusting up and down and was distressed. "What are you doing?"

How else could I explain it? "I'm purging," I said. Right then and there, I had coined the word "purging" to refer to my compulsive thrusting. I explained that I had heard a certain word.

"Was it something I said?", Don asked.

"It wasn't you."

I got inspired, so I could finish the "padoloking around" in 14 steps, but then we went to the office and I saw some pictures I didn't like. I was still porging by the time we got back into the van, whereby Vicky was talking and talking.

"Hey! Get your hands out of your pants", said Vicky.

I was furious. I had repeatedly warned her not to turn her head, and she turned her head!

"My zipper is broken," I made up a lie quick.

"That wasn't your zipper", said Vicky, "Your hands were inside your pants."

I held it in until I got to Robert's house.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Purging in John's office

At program yesterday we went to Big Lots. We visited the seafood section, where I picked up a tin of oysters and a tin of herring. Then La Netta took us over to the nuts.

La Netta showed me some chocolate-covered cashews. I decided to open my eyes when we got there. Once I opened my eyes, I saw something grey that had a hatching pattern like the wxbs on Dipser-man -- sort of like a basketball. Was it Dipser-man? I had to look more closely. I saw the wxb pattern and the two eyes on the side . . . it was Dipser-man! A grey and black Dipser-man instead of the red ones, but Dipser-man nonetheless. "Ewww!", I exclaimed.

La Netta asked why I said that, and I pointed to it.

"Oh, I'm sorry", La Netta said. "I didn't see him."

She took me in the restroom, where I purged. La Netta came to get me and I still wasn't finished purging.

We bought Taco Bell, then La Netta took us all to Davis Park. She handed me my pill, and I finished up the purging in the Davis Park restroom.

Everything was fine again . . . until we did drops and La Netta turned to the rap station. The first song was fine, and had some clever rhyming -- line after line of words ending in the /u/ sound, then line after line of words ending in the /ai/ sound . . . but then a second song came in. In the fifth line, they said "cutxe".

"Aeccchhhhh!", I said.

They said it again. I made a "bleccccchh". La Netta finally turned off the radio.

I made it to John's office, and after three minutes John said he was ready to see me. Bringing my Taco Bell bag and my bag from Big Lots, I followed John into his office.

I told John about hearing the C-word at program today. I said I had to purge. He let me use his bathroom, as he would always do.

I had entered at 2:35, and I purged until 2:54. We only had 21 minutes left of our session.

I talked about hearing the C-word on the radio, and anent I didn't like the rap and R&B stations. They had so many unfamiliar songs and always had me listening out. I told John I liked the alternative stations, which avoided the C-word.

"If you still had your band, would you play alternative rock?", John asked.

"Yes, yes, we did play alternative", I said.

I brought up the Dipser-man fad and told him about seeing the superhero and Big Lots. When is this Dipser-man fad going to recede? I wondered
about it. John said he didn't know when.

I updated John on Lamesha. I hadn't talked to her since she last came over, but now I was sleeping soundly at night. My nights were not jarred by worries about whether I'd see Lamesha again. I now know that my friend Lamesha still loves me.

John broached the topic of school. He asked me whether I was in special ed when I went to high school. I told him I had special ed with a core teacher named Mrs. Pezzola, in addition to taking several mainstream classes.

John asked me how I did in my special ed class.

I told him I learned all the material, because there was so much repetition. In World History, eor instance, Mrs. Pezzola would ask the class, "Were the Phoenicians farmers?" And we'd all say, "No". And she'd ask, "And why weren't the Phoenicians farmers?" And we'd reply, "Because their land wasn't arable". Every day for the whole unit on ancient Middle Eastern civilizations.

He asked whether I would have done better in my mainstream classes if there had been more repetition. I said I probably would.

He asked me why I was put in special ed, and I said it was probably because of the purging. I was placed in special ed when I started junior high, under the disability label SED (for severely emotionally disturbed).

Am I still severely emotionally disturbed today? Well, I still compulsively stay away from things when I start feeling a sense of trepidation as if I am about to see something or hear a word that will make me purge. And I still bite and hit myself with the imagined bylines of attacking others when I think of certain events from my past. That's definitely "severely emotionally disturbed".

Well, eventually the clock reached 3:16, so John checked to see whether Aaron was outside. Sure enough, he was, so John said, "It's been nice seeing you, James", and I said, "It's been nice seeing you, John".

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Thoughts on April 4 for Kurt Cobain Day

Today is the fourteenth anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide (or his murder by Courtney Love, if you so believe). I listened to Youtube videos of Nirvana songs. Even though grunge is no longer the preëninent form of music today, Nirvana has influenced the sound of today's alternative artists like Matchbox 20, No Doubt, Green Day, Hinder, Fallout Boy, Panic! at the Disco, My Chemical Romance, KT Tunstall and Evanescence.

On April 4, yesterday, we went to pick up Lisa. While we were picking her up, La Netta looked at me and asked, "What's on your mind?"

"Going to Wal-mart", I replied.

"Wal-mart is not on our schedule", said La Netta

"But it has to be! It wasn't any of the other four days, and I know you put it on our schedule."

Lisa wanted to stop at McDonald's once we picked her up.

La Netta called in the office and changed our schedule from Nordstrom's to Hilltop Mall. First we went into the McDonald's in Hilltop Mall, then we went to their Wal-mart, where I got my juices.

Next we stopped at Tapatio's, the burrito truck restaurant, for the purchase of lunch. While I was there I saw the exe on La Netta's dollar bill. At the same time, I felt something like a grain of sand stuck in my urethral opening. Or maybe it was caught in my zipper. "Let me go to the restroom", I said.

"What for?", asked La Netta.

"I need to check something."

Once I made my way to the restroom inside Tapatio's, I checked my urethral opening and urinated. It felt clear of any irritation now. All I saw in it was one white grain.

I purged off the exe. Then I left to hit the van.

We played KISS-FM until I heard their song that goes "Mxsh it". "I hate this song", I said, and La Netta obligingly turned the radio off.

Lisa talked about group homes. She said that in the group home, in which she used to live, their kitchen was "a mxss".

"Ewwwww!", I replied.

Lisa apologized for saying the word, while I purged in the back row seat of our van.

We talked some more together, than Lisa realized her bottle was missing. It had been in the middle row of the van.

"I think I threw it away", said Ken.

"Oh, no", said Lisa. Lisa began to fret. She needed the bottle that had her milk in it, with a plastic cup. "It's such a nice plastic cup", Lisa said.

Ken said he threw it away while we were at the burrito truck.

"La Netta, I need you to drive me back there", said Lisa.

"Oh, no, that's too far away for me to drive. I'd have to go all the way there and back. I'll buy you a new one. We can get it with our van allotment money."

I began to cry. "La Netta", I said repeatedly.

Ken began to apologize, but Lisa said she wasn't mad.

"I should have been watching it", said Lisa. "It's my fault as much as anybody's."

Finally I spoke up. "La Netta, if you don't go back and get that bottle back, I won't be able to sleep at night!"

"I'll drive back there after I'm done doing drops", said La Netta.

"It's a bottle. In a white bag", said Lisa.

Finally the time came for drops and La Netta dropped Lisa off where they were in Berkeley. Then she made it to Ken's house and Stan said to leave me there along with Ken.

"I'm going to need a hug", I told La Netta. "It's been a tough week."

"I know", said La Netta, who hugged me, then wished me a good week-end.

I left with my borrito into Ken's house, bringing up the trip back to the truck to retrieve Lisa's bottle. La Netta said she'd do that.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

April Fool's Day

Yesterday people all across America and in many European countries celebrated April Fool's Day. Wikipedia had a nomination of the article [[Human]] for deletion, on grounds that all the sources on humans were written by humans and so were not independent of the subject, and therefore Homo sapiens was not notable.

I was placed in the coach Don's group that day, with Jeremy and Emanuel. He told me Jolene was with Brenda. He brought up the fact that it was April Fool's Day. He also said it was the year 2010.

"Don, it's 2008!", I objected.

"They forgot to tell you", said Don, "You've been in a coma for two years. And McCain is the president."

"So Jolene's still alive -- she is with Brenda."

"Yep. She's got new teeth."

"What happened to Ken?"

"He left, to go to another program. He goes to ABC now. And La Netta had another baby."

"What did she name it?"

"She named him James."


"She had two babies -- a boy and a girl."

"James and Jacqueline?"


"What happened to Rovaughn?"

"He's gone."

"You mean he's dead!?!??"

"No, no. He moved away. His mother retired at 65, and they left. They moved to Oakley."

"Did anyone here die?"

"Well, you know Robert?"

"Robert? Yeah."

"He passed away. At Christmas. He was run over. By Santa Claus. You know that song, 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'? His favorite song. He sang it again, and Santa got so tired of it, he ran 'im over."

Emanuel wanted Don to stop talking so he could pray. All day long, I heard Emanuel whisper to himself.

I heard a song that seemed to say "close exe", as in "keep a close exe on". "Did that song say the K & E words?", I asked Don.

At first Don said he wasn't paying attention, but then he said they did. He said the song was by Prince. A song with "be my girl" and "rule my world". I made note of those lines to google it when I got home.

Emanuel asked to go to Lake Merritt today. Don took him there and drove around three times for Emanuel until he could drive no more. Then Emanuel asked to be dropped off at People's Park. So Don drove over there. Emanuel got out and Don and I said good-bye.

I asked whether I heard the SC-word. Don said no, bot I still wanted to go to the restroom. So Don walked me over to the People's Park restrooms.

They were both locked.

"I'll take you somewhere," he said.

Don drove me over to some place with a stone restroom. One person could fit inside. He told me this was the town oe Crockett.

I went in there and purged. There was no soap, and there were no sinks to wash hands. The toilet paper dispensers were flat rectangles instead of cylinders. My rule of restroom use is to avoid using the toilet paper in any restroom that has rectangles instead of cylinders. The toilet appeared to have a septic tank below it, with no handle to flush it.

I urinated in the toilet and zipped up, then stepped out after I had finished my purging and urination. I stepped outside when I noticed a black bug crawling on my turtleneck. Was that a dipser?

I pointed it out to Don. He nabbed it between his thumb and index.

Don said, "You've got a little bxtty bug. Like a gnat." He said it was something with wings.

I would have to purge off the word "bxtty", but I was relieved that it wasn't a dipser.

I went into the van and purged off the B-word. "Badolitty, badolitty, badolitty", I said, and the "bxtty"s came up, like bread bits.

I told Don I wanted In-N-out Burger today, as that's what La Netta, who was unable to make it to program April 1, put on the schedule for Tuesday. "And don't play an April Fool's joke by saying you're going to take me to In-N-out Burger and then taking me to Frosty Freeze", I told Don.

"That's what I was going to do", said Don, "I was going to trick you by driving up to some place where they sold I.C."

"Well, don't use that joke, because I preëmpted it."

Don read me off a sheet of nine questions, and told me he had another sheet with the nine corresponding answers. The first question: What American landmark is always moving backwards?

I guessed Old Faithful, then gave up. He told me it was the Niagara Falls.

Second question: What is the only sport in which neither the spectators nor the players know the score until the end of the game?

"Badminton?", I guessed.


"Jai alai?"


"Sumo wrestling?"

"No, but it's sort of like wrestling."


"You got it."

The third question: Name the only two vegetables that are perennial -- they do not need to be reharvested each year.

I guessed olives, but the answer was no so maybe they're classifying that as a fruit.

"Celery?", I guessed.

"No, but one of them's sort of in the same family as celery. It reminds you of celery."









"It is leeks?"


"Anything in the same family as leeks?"

"And what would that be?"

"Garlic, onions, shallots."


Finally I guessed rhubarb and that was it.

I ruled out all the tubers and root vegetables, as they require killing the plant to harvest. Don said the second vegetable didn't resemble any other vegetable.

I finally guessed asparagus, and that was it.

Then he asked me what fruit had the seeds on the outside. I said strawberry, and that was it.

Don got me my two hamburgers with onions only at In-N-out Burger.

Then I got home and googled the Prince song. The song was "Kiss". It didn't have the K & E words. That meant I could eat my hamburgers.