Monday, March 31, 2008

Maybe I'm not obsessed

At program today we were listening to the old school station (KISS-FM) when they said the word "cutxe". I went "Eccchhh!", and La Netta turned the song off.

I spent who-knows-how-long in the restroom purging the word off when we got to the office. La Netta says it was a New Edition song.

We sat in front of John's office until John took me in. I then asked John whether he had heard the news.

He said he hadn't read my latest blog entry, so I told the whole story to him. Lamesha had come over!

John had brought his laptop along, so he turned it on, and I had him read my whole entry.

We talked about what it meant for me. I now knew that Lamesha genuinely did love me and that she was still willing to come over. She was not avoiding me as Tiefany had said.

I discussed something I had read on the 4thkingdom while discussing this stuff there. One girl said that she didn't think I was really obsessed with Lamesha. She analogized it to her own concern for 4thkingdomer Sedruce. She said Lamesha was just someone I cared about, and that my feelings for her were normal.

She said that my concern for Lamesha doesn't prevent me from doing other things in my life (and it's true, it doesn't). She said that if it were holding up my life, maybe my love for Lamesha would be an obsession.

I did bring up the showers, the counting and the hugging, but she said that had more to do with my OCD than with obsessions. I told that to John and he agreed that that was an interesting comment.

Obsessions are supposed to be a characteristic of OCD. But maybe what she meant by obsessions is things like Bernard's obsession with Pokémon. If Bernard meets a new person, he'll instantly launch into a low-down on how he's catching all the critters and loves his game. It gives Tiffany a headache when Bernard talks about Pokémon around her, because it's all the time.

I don't have any obsessions like Bernard's Pokémon obsession, but I do have some worries that nag at me. Negative obsessions, not positive obsessions like the kind people with Asperger's have (well, I asked Tiffany whether she thinks Bernard has Asperger's and she says he probably does). They don't prevent me from doing things, but I do think about them a lot. Lamesha and Jolene dying comes to mind. Then there's my obsession with time travel, wherein I imagine repeatedly researching how to time-travel and going back in time.

We talked about the time travel thing up to 3:15, and then Aaron didn't come so we talked about it up until 3:34, when John heard Aaron's voice outside.

He said, "It's been nice seeing you, James".

And I said, "It's been nice seeing you, John", as we let my buddy Aaron in.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The best day of the year

Today was the best day of my whole year.

Just after 1:45, I called Lamesha to see if she'd pick up the phone. She answered and spoke to me. I told her that Aaron said hi.

Lamesha said she was sick, very sick. I asked her if she still had the vertigo and she said yes.

Then Lamesha told me she was going to drop over. Then she said, "Give me a few minutes". That meant it would be TODAY. I was so looking forward to this. Lamesha said it would be about fifteen minutes before she came over. I told her I had a Christmas present waiting for her.

After fifteen minutes, I was very excited. Then, I waited and waited until it was sixty minutes after I had hung up, and Lamesha still wasn't there.

I called her again, but this time no one answered the phone.

A little while later, someone knocked at my door and said there was a telephone call for me. I picked up the portable and it was Lamesha!

I asked her whether things were all right, since she hadn't come yet, and she said that with her being new to driving again after her illness, she had a hard time making her way around. Then she told me she was right outside my door.

We said good-bye, then I told my staff that Lamesha was outside. The staff opened the door, and Lamesha walked in!

This time there was a surprise. She had two daughters with her, including the Chardonnay she often tells me about. Chardonnay likes Betty Boop too!

Lamesha had her hair braided. She said her clothes needed to be washed, and apologized to our staff for coming here dressed "like a bum". She and I went in my room and hugged.

I gave her the box of See's chocolates in the brown package marked "Unclaimed". She thanked me for it, and said Chardonnay would probably eat a lot of those chocolates.

Lamesha informed me that she had saved her cellphone recording of my voice singing "No One" by Alicia Keys. We hugged for the shower I had taken on Wednesday, then hugged for the shower I had taken the week before. After that, I crossed the latest two dates off my shower chart.

Lamesha saw what I was doing and asked whether those were dates of showers I was crossing off. I told her yes. Then she said, "Let's hug some more so you can mark more showers off that chart."

Jason came in, and Lamesha and Jason hugged. Jason missed Lamesha that much, and in fact when Lamesha went into his room she discovered that he had a picture of her.

Then I introduced Lamesha to Bernard. Lamesha instantly figured out that he was Charles' brother. They talked awhile before I showed Lamesha something.

I took her into my room where I showed her the little red radio she had given me. She was elated when she saw I still had my favorite radio, her radio.

Lamesha said she'd try to come again soon, but she didn't want to make any promises by listing specific dates because every time she says she'll come over, something happens. She told me to tell Stan hello. She promised that she would come soon, and made it a "pinky promise". She twirled her brown pinky around my gold pinky.

All in all, I got to cross off nine showers from my list, going all the way back to January 9. Today was easily the best day of my year so far, starting from January 1. All the worries about ever seeing Lamesha again flew out the window, as I know that she and I will have many happy years of friendship and visiting together.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Jolene gets sick

Yesterday morning, Shirley said, "Scxxt". Then she said, "Move over", but it was too late. When we got to a Borger King, I went to purge in their restroom.

I eventually got finished purging off the SC-word, and informed La Netta, who was changing Jolene, that I would be back out in the van with Shirley.

I sat in the van for minutes and minutes and La Netta was still in Burger King. Finally, she came out.

She told us that first, after Jolene took her diaper off, a big hunk came out, then feces splattered all over the ground and on her shoes. La Netta said it was a "mxss", then instantly apologized. She spent several minutes cleaning off Jolene's walker, then she took Jolene's shoes off and made her sit in the front seat so she wouldn't soil the middle row.

La Netta called the office. Nino bothered her at first when answering the phone, but then La Netta was able to reach Lita and tell her she was going to Jolene's house for a change of shoes.

We got to Jolene's house and Jolene complained about feeling sick. The staff gave Jolene the choice of going back to program in changed shoes or going home. Jolene chose to stay home, so we said good-bye to our taco-loving friend.

"It could be the flu", said Shirley. I began worrying what if Jolene really did come down with the avian flu -- would it kill her? I've imagined my friend dying from various diseases or accidents several times before. Another thing to float around my mind.

Although we were late getting to Target and it was past our scheduled time, La Netta told Lita that we would go to Target now that Jolene was dropped off.

I got two bottles of Market Pantry apple juice at Target, then La Netta went looking for shoelaces. After that, La Netta went through the hygienic supplies section, where we looked at deodorants and moisturizers. I went to the Easter clearance section, where I picked out three six-packs of Reese's eggs.

I had to ask Shirley whether she said the M-word as we drove to the burrito truck, and she said she didn't. Then, after we stopped at the truck, Rodney grumbled, "This is a mxss".

"Ewwwwww!", I went.

Shirley asked me who said what wrong.

"Did you hear what Rodney said?"

"I didn't hear Rodney", said Shirley.

"Rodney said the M-word."

I went out to buy my $3.50 tongue super burrito, but as I was pacing around waiting for my turn, I saw a plastic frok on the ground. Those damn litterbugs! I let out a quick, sharp "Ew!"

I got my burrito finally.

"Did yoo see why I said, 'Ew'?", I asked La Netta.

"Yes", said La Netta. "We're going to Davis Park."

At Davis Park I purged off the M-words, then I finally purged off that nasty plastic silverware. With Shirley, La Netta and three other clients, I reëntered the van after lunch and listened to Shirley as we drove back home.

As Shirley spoke with La Netta, I had to ask her several times what she said. Then, at one point, Ken said that some contraption in the car "keeps jxggling".

When we got to Ken's house, Pia asked to take me as well as Ken. I put my bottles and Target bag (with a burrito bag inside it) straight into the van. I came in, then I spent all that time in the restroom purging off the J-word.

I finished just in time before Pia said she was taking me home. I spat some saliva out into the sink, then drove off and before I knew it I could eat my burrito.

Jolene would have liked that burrito.

Monday, March 24, 2008

One of the purgiest days ever

Today I had one of my purgiest days at CIWP ever.

It started in the morning, when Jolene was trying to get in the van on her walker, and Shirley said, "Let me scxxt the seat up." I growled and stopped swallowing, because I knew I would have to make it to a restroom.

Then we got Lisa in when we stopped at her house. Lisa said that she hadn't brought a fork along, so she would have to get a plastic frok while she was out and about. How disgusting.

As Lisa was getting in, Shirley was in the back compartment of the van. I thought I heard her say, "Whxxps", so I asked La Netta whether she said the WH-word.

Just after I asked La Netta, she asked me what I said, Then Shirley told Ken, "Scxxt over". I growled.

I heard Ken say, "Whxxps".

"D'OH!", I exclaimed. They said I was really off the handle today. It's like everything makes me purge, they said.

I explained to La Netta that I had asked her whether Shirley said the WH-word while she was in the back, she explained that Shirley didn't.

"But Ken said the WH-word, right?"

"He said the OO-word, no WH."

Oh, OK. But I would still have to purge off the SC-words.

I heard a voice. Was it a radio? Was it a cellphone? "Rosie says hi," the voice said. Then it said, "Good morning" or something like that.

A little later, I heard it again. It repeated its inane phrases, then it said, "You're a cutxe patootie".

"Echhh!", I exclaimed.

"We better keep the doll in the bag", said Shirley.

"Did you hear that, La Netta", I asked.

"Yes, I did", La Netta said.

"What did it say wrong?", Shirley asked.

"That doll said the C-word!", I exclaimed.

They stopped at a restroom. Jolene was changed, and I purged off both the SC-words. Then I went "fadorork, fadorork, fadorork". La Netta said Ken said the OO-word, but I purged off "whadoloops, whadoloops, adoloops", just in case.

I felt better once I came out of that restroom, but I still hadn't purged off "cutxe".

We then dropped Emanuel off. We went to People's Park in lieu of our scheduled Lake Merritt, as Robin was acting up and Emanuel wanted to be dropped off there.

Once Emanuel got out of the van, Shirley walked back into the side and said, "Scxxt over. Scxxt over."

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!", I growled. Then I growled again.

"You'll have to make a list of all the words," said Lisa.

"I should have said, 'Move over'," said Shirley.

When they went to McDonald's, they talked about getting a frok.

The conversation then turned to food (I know what you're thinking -- no, they didn't say the I-word.) Lisa then went to talking about how the muffins she bought were crunchy.

"They're mxshy?", asked Shirley.

"No, they're crunchy", said Lisa. Now I would have another word to purge off.

The conversation continued until Shirley said something was "txsty". I told La Netta she would have to get me to a restroom immediately. La Netta helpfully walked me out and took me to the restroom at People's Park.

I purged off the T-word, then I worked on the SC-words. Then I did some "fadorork, fadorork, fadorork". As I rolled some toilet paper to wipe the saliva from my face, a dipser spun down on a wxb from behind the toilet paper dispenser and landed on the ground. One more thing to purge off.

I still wasn't finished, but La Netta said she'd take me somewhere else.

I was really having a stressful day, worrying about all those purge words. "Instead of talking," I asked, "Could we have some KOIT to calm my nerves?"

"No, I want to hear 98.1", said Lisa, referring to KISS-FM (KISQ).

La Netta turned the dial to KISS-FM, and we continued on our way to a dollar store. La Netta and I went in and we looked at their Easter stuff, but all they had were a few chocolate bunnies.

We dropped Lisa off in Berkeley where she could get lunch. "That's good, because now we're down to four clients", I said.

"Good, you can count", said Shirley. (And subtract.)

We then stopped at that place in Berkeley that has four unisex one-person restrooms. Jolene was changed, while I purged off the dipser and purged off all the SC-words. I succeeded in getting all those nasty, carroty "scxxt"s out of my body. Then I purged off "mxshy" and "cutxe". La Netta gave me my pill to take while I was in the restroom. How relieving.

We dropped Ken home, and Bernard got out of the house and met La Netta. As soon as La Netta introduced herself, Bernard started talking about Pokémon. After La Netta left, Pia told Bernard that that was inappropriate.

That boy is always talking about Pokémon. As soon as you introduce yourself to him, he'll go on about Jigglypuff and Squirtle. When he's near Tiffany, he gives Tiffany a headache by expounding on his Game Boy games. Stan once told him that he wants to talk about video games all the time. "There's more to life than video games", said Stan.

We made it my John's office in time for a meeting with John. When we stopped, what could be worse, but for Robin to start head-butting Jolene? As La Netta and I chatted, I heard Jolene's cries of "Owwwww!" and "Cut that out!" Shirley carefully moved Jolene to the front seat.

John came out to take me in, while Robin was still attacking that poor woman. Last week John had asked me whether I believed I had an obsession with that most wonderful of group home staff, Lamesha.

I told him about how we had discussed the topic 4thkingdom after I shared my blog with the people there. He asked me what 4thkingdom was, and he wanted to know the draw of this site. I explained that it appealed because of the wide variety of topics we can talk about -- Religion, Philosophy, Mosic, Parenting and Pregnancy, Cooking, Sports, Politics, a Debate board, a Sex board, a Flame board. I also explained that there was an Immigration Committee that accepted applications for you to get in -- the board had had a lot of problems with trolls joining in its previous incarnation.

"What's a troll?", John asked.

"It's someone who posts provocative things on the Internet just to see people get angry."

I finally told him the fruits of my ruminations over whether I was obsessed with Lamesha. I told him that since the thoughts of whether (and when) I would see Lamesha again distressed me, it probably was a real obsession.

We talked about me calling her. I told him that I called her yesterday to leave a message on her answering machine saying, "Happy Easter!"

"Do you expect Lamesha to call you back?", John asked.

"I don't expect her to call me back. It was just a holiday greeting on her answering machine."

Then I talked about how I had left a message on her answering machine earlier in which I sang her favorite song ("No One" by Alicia Keys).

I also brought up the way I meticulously recorded every date I took a shower, and crossed the dates off after each hug with Lamesha. Could this be a compulsion that goes with an obsession?

John said that 4thkingdom seemed to be a safe haven for me to talk about my disability.

"We have several people on the site who have disabilities," I said. "There's one girl who was in a car accident about two years ago, where she broke her neck, and she's in a wheelchair. There are many posters with bipolar disorder. There's one girl with ADD and self-diagnosed Asperger's. There's a boy whose psychologists have hold him he has OCD . . . ADD . . . bipolar disorder . . . dependent personality disorder . . . dyslexia . . . ODD . . . and there's more."

"That sounds like a lot for one person to have", said John.

"'Docs can't make up their minds', he says."

I mentioned that it was brought up at the site that I may have an OCD obsession with Inner Bruise. Inner Bruise is a collaborative science fiction story on 4thkingdom. In the year 2028, a 16-year-old boy named Stephan Bruise contracts a disease of the future that kills everyone who has it, and a medical team travels inside his body to see if they can save him from the disease. The story is up publicly at

I explained that we hadn't even gotten to the inner-body travel part yet; right now we're still at the party scene.

I told John about how I sometimes spend a night worrying about whether someone will ever add on to the story again. I think about how good it will feel when the story is completed. (The fact that I persistently start new threads on it to keep it alive was not brought up.)

I told him that it was currently hanging off at the sentences "Luann's mouth was loose as if propped open, and her eyes jerked fretfully around. Steve could tell that she felt outnumbered." and that no one seems to be able to come up with a follow-up right now.

I came up with the idea, which I expressed to John, that he could write a follow-up to the place we have hanging off and bring it to me at our next session.

"Well, I probably won't be writing any part of it, because I'm not a science fiction writer", said John. (I did mention that I thought a psychologist like him might have a good idea how the homosexuality argument situation could be defused.)

John asked me whether it would relieve some of my distress over the future of Inner Bruise if he wrote a segment of it.

"Yes, it would," I said. I explained how close we were to the first hospital scene, where the story would explode.

"Well, I don't want to write a part, because that may give you a temporary sense of relief, and wouldn't stop you from obsessing over it," said John.

"Should I focus my energy on finding ways to get the other people on the site to contribute to it?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea either."

"Do you think I should give up on keeping Inner Bruise on the site and just let it die?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea either."

"Then what you think I should do?"

"I don't know", said John. This was the first time I had ever seen that a psychologist didn't have any ideas.

The time was now 3:16 and our meetings end at 3:15, so I said, "It's been nice seeing you, John" and John said, "It's been nice seeing you, James".

Then Aaron was there. Pia had just dropped him off and driven away, so John, Aaron and I waited for Stan to come and pick me up for a while. While we were out there, Aaron said, "I guess I'll keep an exe out for Pia."

"Ewwwww!", I went.

Aaron apologized instantly. He knocked on John's door and said, "John, I accidentally said the K & E words, so can James come in and do his thing?"

"Sure, come in", said John.

I went in John's bathroom and purged, purged, purged. After I washed my hands, there was a dipser in the sink, so I purged some more.

When I finally got out, John began his session with Aaron. I paced around, until Pia came to pick me up.

John and I really covered a lot in that session. It was nice to be able to share what 4thkingdom was like with him. Who knows how the Lamesha thing will turn out -- maybe she'll be calling me regularly again and actually coming over and I won't have to worry so much anymore. She did say she wanted to ask Stan if she could work at my group home again.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

A lucky trough

Yesterday was March 21, which is Down's Syndrome Day. The 21st for the twenty-first chromosome, and March since people with Down's syndrome have three of that chromosome. The only person at CIWP with Down's syndrome I know of is Rovaughn. You know, the one who says "Salad salad" and "Kit-kat". Maybe his family celebrated.

It was only La Netta, Jolene, Ken and me, which was the way it used to be. No one to push Jolene's wheelchair meant we couldn't go into any stores, but I liked the group the way it was.

Early on in the day, we were listening to a song in the radio. I heard them say, "Pokémon, dance around". I asked La Netta whether they really said "Pokémon", and she said yes. I explained that I just needed to make sure they hadn't said "pxke around". Nonetheless, Jolene said the song made her sick, so La Netta turned it off.

Sometime in the course of the day, around the middle of our CIWP time, I noticed a speck of something on my hand. It could be the abdomen of a dipser, or it could just be a piece of lint. It was bluish-black in color. I told La Netta about it, and she said we were going to Miller's Knots, so we probably wouldn't be in a restroom with soap.

"Don't we have soap in the van?", I asked.

I decided I would have La Netta look at it to tell me what it was. Then, as I was analyzing it, I brushed it and the speck fell off my hand. Now I wouldn't be able to have La Netta identify it.

This was a real setback. Now I would have to wash my hands. But where would we get the soap?

I told La Netta to look for the soap before we got out, as I couldn't go that long without washing my hands. If we couldn't find the soap, we would have to change the schedule and drive to a different lunch site.

La Netta fumbled through the blood-borne pathogen box, and tried to close it properly. Then she looked in a cardboard box with a basketball and found no soap.

I groaned when the soap was not found. Then La Netta told me we had one more box to look through.

Going through that last box, she produced a bottle of amber liquid soap. Not hand sanitizer, but real soap. I was saved!

After getting Jolene safely over to the lunch bench, La Netta walked over to a wash trough. The water would run down the slanting board and pour off the other end.

First she put the soap on a paper towel. Then she ran the water down the trough to wet the paper towel. I then rubbed the affected finges over the soap and water on the towel until they were smothered. I was done with the towel, so La Netta showed me a garbage can.

Then I walked back to the trough and La Netta ran the water over my hands until all the soap had been washed off. I then got several Risperdal containers out of my left pocket and scraped them across my right hand, throwing each one in the garbage can afterwards. Because of the soap in the van and running water at Miller's Knots, my day had been saved!

Thursday, March 20, 2008


On Tuesday, after Lisa got in in the morning, Brenda told her to "scxxt" over. I growled, but La Netta said there would be a restroom for me to go to at the office.

We drove to the office, and I spent some time in the restroom. I thought "revo toocs, revo toocs" and did some "scadoloot over" at every angle of my groin, but I just couldn't seem to get it right.

Then finally Edward came knocking at my restroom door. He told me that if I don't come out now, we'll miss our next program site. Today was Big Lots, and I needed somewhere I could get the juice, not to mention more Easter eggs.

I told him I needed to wash my hands to stall for time, and then I thought of how to do a perfect "scadoloot over". I thrust four times at the sides of my groin, then did a looping motion that cupped the bottom and swerved across my pelvic line with a "scadoloot over". I then repeated some motions, except this time up over my abdomen. I was done, so I walked out to the van.

When I got in, we made it to Big Lots. We looked at their Easter section. I went to the first shelf, and saw a Cadbury box. However, on the other side from the Cadbury box was something red with black lines going over it. Was that Dipser-man? I looked lower and covered part of it with my hand. Then I saw the letters SPI. Clearly Dipser-man. I would have to purge.

I put ten Cadburys in the shopping basket, then moved over to the next stack of shelves. I was looking for the Reese's eggs, but I didn't find any there. So we searched for juice.

It took a while to find the juice aisle, but Brenda finally flagged it for me. I saw shelves and shelves of Gatorade, some iced tea, some mango nectar,
but none of those huge bottles I like to get from Wal-mart. The bottles of mango nectar were the biggest things they had, and those still wouldn't last me a week.

But Brenda had to go to FoodMaxx to buy some tomatoes and avocadoes. We decided to look in FoodMaxx instead of Big Lots for these items.

I paid $4 for the ten eggs, then we walked right over to FoodMaxx. After Brenda collected up her vegetables, we sought and found the juice aisle. They had p
omegranate juice, cranberry juice and nectar of a dozen different flavors. That was impressive. I finally found two huge bottles of apple juice from Sunnysode Farms. The only problem was, each of them was just under $4. I think I had a five and three ones in my sandwich bag. I selected them anyway.

Brenda got in line, but then I saw a magazine with Easter on its cover and realized that Brenda had forgotten to take me to the Easter egg aisle. We walked over to the back of the store, and Brenda said, "You're in luck". There were cartons and cartons of Reese's Easter goodies. First she pointed out the miniature peanut butter cups, but I explained to her that I wanted the eggs. I found them in the yellow cartons to the left of those pink cartons that had the bunnies with their eyes closed upside-down, and selected two bags.

Then we had to figure out how to pay for all this. My total came to $12.94. The first eight dollars were easy, but then I had to start giving her quarters for the next few dollars. I found enough quarters in my sandwich bag to make nine, ten, eleven. Then I was down to smaller denominations. I started digging up dimes and nickels.

That was when Brenda placed a dollar bill on the table. I could see the exe on the pyramid.

"You found another dollar?", I asked.

"I'm lending you two dollars", said Brenda.

"OK, but don't put it pyramid-side-up!"

She turned it over, but the damage had already been done and I would have to purge. I counted up 94 cents in coins and handed it to the cashier. I took one dollar bill from Brenda, and Edward packed out my groceries.

As we drove to the office to pick up La Netta and Lisa, I purged off /ai/ sounds all the way there. Then finally, we got to the office where in the restroom I purged off the exe on the pyramid. My pubes bled when I was done.

La Netta called and I zipped up to go to the van. We were driving to Kennedy Grove. That was when La Netta asked me if I was ready for my pill.

I told her no.

"Why not?", she asked.

"I saw something in Big Lots."

"But I thought you purged in the restroom."

"I purged one of thing. But not the other."

When we got to Kennedy Grove, I entered the restroom and then I purged off the Dipser-man thing. "Wadoleb, wadoleb, wadoleb, wadoleb, cadolobwadoleb.
Wadoleb, wadoleb, wadoleb, wadoleb, cadolobwadoleb." I repeated it over and over. Finally I did some "spadolider, spadolider, spadolider, Spadolider-man" thrusts. "Spadolider, Spadolider-man. Spadolider, Spadolider-man." It sounded reminiscent of the tune of "Hammer, Hammerman, hammer, Hammerman".

I finally finished and I was ready for La Netta's pill.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Post number 100

Today, St. Patrick's Day, is my one hundredth post on this blog! Yeah! Break out the pomegranate cider!

At program today, I heard a song on the old school station that said "Now I'm not wxry about a single goddamn thing". When I got to John's office, I hadn't purged it off yet, so I asked him permission to take a break from the session. I purged it off in his restroom.

I told him afterwards that I had had to purge off the W-word. Then I talked about Lamesha.

I had called Lamesha over the telephone on Saturday. She told me that she loved me, and said, "I miss you, James". She said she was coming over on Sunday, for sure.

Sunday came and Lamesha did not come over. I waited all day, but when midnight came on Monday, I knew she had not come.

I told John how sad I was that Lamesha had missed four come-over dates in a row.

John asked, "What does Lamesha have to do with your OCD?"

"Nothing", I said. "She's just a person whom I love."

"What forms of OCD do you have?"

I listed the purging, then I listed the thing about getting cobwxb on my hands and washing my hands to make sure there are no particles of dead dipser.

"Those are your compulsions. What are your obsessions?"

I thought awhile. Then I thought a while longer, and couldn't think of any examples of obsessions.

Then John brought up Lamesha. I thought constantly about Lamesha, and was very dejected when Lamesha says she will come and doesn't. I become entirely depressed over Lamesha, and really feel let-down.

La Netta noticed that he had taken his Obama sign down, and so I asked about it at the appointment. He explained that he would take it down before his appointments, so he kept his politics out of his relationships with clients. However, there were many days where he forgot to take it down. He decided he better take down the sign.

I asked whether he thought anyone would vote for Obama because of the sign. He asked me whether I thought so. I said that I thought signs were mostly for self-expression, to tell the world that you were an Obama person or a Hillary person or a Ron Paul person or a Giuliani person.

He asked whether I had any candidate whom I liked more than the others.

I told him I had taken a test online that calculated how compatible each candidate scored with your beliefs. My top match was a candidate I had never heard of -- a 78-year-old Democrat from Alaska named Mike Gravel.

"How much do you know about Mike Gravel?", John asked.

I gave him my answers. "I know he's against the War on Iraq. And he's interested in introducing direct democracy into the United States. He wants to legalize marijuana, and that's good. He wants to abolish the draft, and that's good. It amazes me that the sexist anachronism -- they can draft boys but they can't draft girls -- has managed to survive into the twenty-first century."

"There are a lot of traditions that people feel unable to get rid of."

"Like the electoral college." I discussed how I had never heard a strong argument for keeping the electoral college.

Eventually the conversation drew to a close and John said, "It's been nice seeing you, James."

I said, "It's been nice seeing you, John."

John gave me something new to think about: could I have an OCD obsession over Lamesha? I had never thought of it that way, but Lamesha might very well be an obsession of mine. Stan says I "perseverate" over her.

Maybe the next time I speak with her, I can tell her that I'm (literally) obsessed with her!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Holding it in

As we stopped at Aquatic Park yesterday, we got out and used the restrooms. After Jolene was done changing herself, we walked back to the van. Ken sat in the front, while Jolene, Rodney and I filled the back row. Robert had put his seatbelt on in the middle seat of the middle row, and Brenda was telling him to move his legs so Edward could get into the seat near the window. "Scoo -- move over, move over", said Brenda.

"Did you say the SC-word?", I asked Brenda.

"I almost said it, but then I caught myself. I said 'Move over'."

You said the word, 'scoo', S-C-O-O?", I asked.

"I didn't say it", said Brenda.

"Scxxt over", said Edward.

I growled.


I walked out to go back to the restrooms, and as I was walking out I had to clarify with Brenda that she had indeed said "scoo", and had not said the whole word.

"Did you say 'scoo', S-C-O-O?", I asked.

"Oh, geez!", said Edward.

I repeated several times, without Brenda giving a straight answer as to whether she said, "scoo". Finally, I asked La Netta, who told me that Brenda did indeed say "scoo". I thanked La Netta and was on my way to the restroom.

I couldn't finish my purging, and La Netta told me that we were way behind schedule. She said she would take me to a restroom elsewhere. I washed my hands and we were on our way.

"James -- where do you keep your money?", asked Robert.

"In my pocket", I answered.

"Who bought your shoes, your mom?"

"Yes, yes, she ordered them from New Balance."

"How do you like your shoes?"

"I like them a lot."

"When's Easter coming?"

"Easter is the Sunday after next."

We skipped Goodwill and made it into a used bookstore in Berkeley.

Robert picked up a children's book. "What's that?", he asked.

"Dora the Explorer", said La Netta.

I asked La Netta whether there was a restroom. She said she didn't see one in the bookstore, but she would look.

We walked around with no restroom in sight. Then Robert came up to a woman who worked there. "Where are your headphones?", he asked.

She showed him some earplugs, and then she showed him some noise-cancelling headphones.

I took a look at them, too, then walked away.

Rodney needed to go, so La Netta asked the woman if there was a restroom in the bookstore, and the woman said no restroom.

La Netta asked if there was a section I wanted to go to.

"How about the new-age section?", I asked.

La Netta walked all around the bookstore without finding new-age. We finally left, then Brenda and Edward came out later. Edward had been looking at car books.

I had to hold the SC-word in when we drove up to a KFC, because I asked La Netta whether we were going to be in there long enough for me to use a restroom, and she said no.

Then La Netta drove up to a McDonald's and took Rodney and Robert in with her to buy lunch. I walked in too. La Netta asked whether I wanted to purchase lunch, and I told her no. I headed straight for the restroom.

I did some "scadoloot"s here and some "scadoloot"s there, some "scadoloot over"s here and some "scadoloot over"s there, and finally I could feel carrot juice cracking and coming up as I cupped a few "scadoloot over"s into the right side of my groin, the region to the right side of my testicles. I then did some "scadoloot over"s straight up, and did one last "scadoloot over" with my hands cupped, going up. I was free!

I washed my hands, and then blow-dried them with a warm restroom blow-drier. Just as I opened the door, I saw La Netta and the crew standing outside for me. I followed them back into the van and was ready to take my pill.

Paralleling my wait to purge off "scxxt" was my wait to get the schedule for next week changed.

You see, back during Wednesday we visited Barnes and Noble. La Netta went in with Ken and me while Brenda stayed in the van with the others. When I got back from Barnes and Noble into the van, I discovered Brenda had made the schedule for next week without me. There was no World Market during our Concord trip on Wednesday, and no See's Chocolates even though the Friday before I had asked La Netta to go there. Brenda told me she would change the schedule to replace bowling on Thursday with See's, and insert World Market into Wednesday's schedule.

On Thursday, I asked Brenda, "Did you revise the schedule to put See's and World Market on there?"

"What?", she asked.

"Did you revise the schedule to put See's and World Market on there?"

"I forgot," said Brenda.

Boy, was I angry. La Netta told me she would get the schedule back from Kulwinder. At the office, I told Kulwinder about giving the schedule back to La Netta (explaining to her in full what had happened), and she said she'd give it to La Netta, but La Netta said she'd just pick it up at the end of the day.

So on Friday, I asked La Netta about getting back the schedule, and she said she didn't have time to pick it up at the end of Thursday, as she had gotten to the office so late after drops. She said she would make a note to herself today, and get it done.

Several times Friday I asked La Netta whether she had made the note to herself. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

"Is Halloween tomorrow?", asked Robert.

"Oh, Robert," I replied, "That's months away."

"Who bought your sunglasses, your mom?"

"No, I bought them with my own money."

Then La Netta said she'd write it down as soon as she was done writing down the mileage.

When Jolene was done changing herself at that park with four unisex restrooms, I asked La Netta whether she was done writing down the mileage, and she said she was finally ready to make the note herself. She asked me exactly what I wanted changed -- See's on Thursday, World Market in Concord -- and she made her change.

After that, I scored some Chinese food and we were on our way to drop off the rest of us.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I meet Dr. Gorodetsky

This morning, Pia began taking me to the mental health clinic where I had gone the day CIWP went to Concord. She said the appointment was at 9:00, then she made a phone call and discovered it wasn't until 1:00. She drove me to CIWP. La Netta dropped me off at the office at 12:30.

Pia came soon thereafter and drove me to the mental health clinic. I sat in the waiting room for only a little while before I was told that someone would see me. What was his name -- Dr. Fordevsky?

"Grodevsky", Pia said. "G-R-O."

A man with a Russian accent soon opened the door to the office rooms. "Are you Dr. Grodevsky?", I asked.

"Come in", he said.

Pia followed me into the man's office. She introduced herself as my care provider, and we talked about my medicine. Tien the doctor asked me what my main problems were.

"There's the logaesthesia -- am I saying it right?", asked Pia. "He purges the words out."

I explained how certain words bothered me, and he wanted to know some examples. "There's the M-word, the WH-word, the SC-word, the I-word . . ."

"English is not my first language, and I don't know what those words are", he said.

"They're completely idiosyncratic", I said. He seemed to think I was referring to swear words.

"What do they rhyme with?", asked Pia.

"Well, there's the M-word, and it rhymes with 'dress'. Like, 'Yoor room is a _____'."

"Oh, OK", said the doctor.

"And then there's the WH-word."

"What does that rhyme with?", asked Pia.

"It's the word you say when you goof up. It rhymes with what you get when you take the WH off the beginning, and it means the same thing."

"Good, good, good", said the doctor.

I explained to him about logaesthesia. "I feel as if I have swallowed these words, and they're sitting inside of my stomach or my intestines. And the words all have their own tastes."

"I have seen a few patients who taste or smell words. It is not that unusual -- there are people who taste words or smell words. Now, do colors bother you?"

"Colors don't bother me."

"I want to know, do the words have a color to them too, or just a taste?"

"You want to know if I have a synaesthetic reaction to colors?"


"I don't."

He talked a bit about synaesthesia with Pia and me.

Then we talked more about feeling pain from the words. He said that it was typically beautiful for patients to be able to taste these words and they enjoyed the tastes.

He talked about how I don't like people to see my eyes. He asked whether I always wore those sunglasses, even in my room. I said yes.

We visited my blog. I read out the URL, and he typed it into the window on the compoter in his office. "Paralyzed Into Dance", he read.

"That's it!", I said.

He wanted to know whether I could see the computer screen with those dark glasses on.

Pia asked whether I was depressed.

"I don't care about naming things, I want to know what he feels", said the doctor.

We talked about showers. He asked me why I don't like showering, and I gave him the reasons.

Then Pia walked out of the room, and he made a phone call to Dr. Levine's office and one to the pharmacy. I heard him spell his name on the telephone. He said it was Gorodetsky.

"So your name is Dr. Gorodetsky. With a T.", I said when he was done.

"Yes. And you have the name of a great Russian physicist."

"Lev Davidovich Landau."

"Yes. He was a strange man." Dr. Gorodetsky talked about meeting him. He said he went to Landau's house, and there was a large system of electric trains all around his room. "Very interesting person."

We exited the room, and said our good-byes. It was well worth meeting him, and I hope to see Dr. Gorodetsky again in the near future. He could even write a paper about me. Or maybe he'll find a cure for having to purge up words. This man really seemed to like me. Well, I'm going back to the mental health clinic next week. Maybe someone will really help me with my compulsions, or find the perfect place for me, somewhere where I don't have to purge all the time. Stay tuned for my post on next week . . . O'll keep you posted.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I learn something new about myself

Early this morning, it was just La Netta and me, as we drove to Jolene's house. La Netta was talking about beds.

She talked on and on about buying beds for her children and nieces and nephews. Eventually she said, "Maybe I can get her one of those little pajxmx beds . . ."

"Rrrrrrrr!", I growled.

"Oh!", said La Netta, "I am so sorry!"

She let me purge at the office. While I was there, Ganesh Pilot, a foul-mouthed CIWP client, knocked at the door. I got out, and said, "It's all yours."

No one went in.

"It's all yours," I said again, with saliva in my mouth.

"I don't know who's in there", Ganesh's coach said to him. "Maybe we can find a restroom elsewhere."

"I just got out. It's all yours", I said for the third time.

"He said, 'It's all yours'. You go in, Ganesh."

So Ganesh went in. Then when he got out I got back in there. La Netta told me Brenda was waiting for me, with just Jolene in the group. La Netta was going home for the day, as with no Lisa, Ken or Edward our group needed only one coach.

After I had finished the nightmare of purging off "pajxmx" (La Netta pronounces it, to refresh your memory, to rhyme with "grammar"), I stepped out and entered Brenda's van.

Brenda stopped at Happy Doughnuts before she realized she had Friday's schedule. She called the office for where to go today. They said Didi's in Oakland, but she didn't want to go to Oakland. She asked if she could change the schedule. I suggested the Dollar Tree.

Brenda told them she would just be at the Dollar Tree, but then she realized that she had forgotten to make the Daylight Savings Time change on the van clock and she was an hour behind schedule. We went straight to Taco Bell.

I gave Jolene a taco. Jolene relished it, and afterwards she said, "James got me a taco! Thank you, James."

At 2:15, we made it to John's office.

I told John about the incident on Saturday with Aaron's email account. I explained to him how it didn't post on my blog. I told him the whole story.

"How did it make you feel?", asked John.

"I felt angry", I said. "And I felt Aaron was beong careless."

"How angry did it make you?"

"Not angry enough to start beating myself. But still pretty angry."

"You said not angry enough to beat yourself. I've seen you biting your hand a couple of times in the past five minutes. So when you hit yourself are you angrier than when you bite yourself?"

I thought about it for a while, then I realized that John was onto something. "I never realized it before, but yes!" John had just taught me something new about myself.

We talked about the meeting with the woman at the mental health clinic. I explained how we had gone over purging and logaesthesia, but I didn't get the time to explain to the woman how I taste words.

I asked John why I didn't see him the previous two Mondays. He said that both Mondays Stan had something that he needed to attend to. I had thought I was no longer seeing John! I told him I was surprised when Brenda drove me to John's doorstep today.

He asked how I felt when I thought I wasn't seeing him.

"Part of me was happy, because I wouldn't have to take the trips in the van to and from your office anymore", I told him.

John realized that it was painful for me to be driven around there and back.

"But part of me felt there was unfinished business." There are things that I haven't told John yet, and I wanted him to help diagnose exactly what was wrong with me. Maybe he'd be the first psychologist to diagnose logaesthesia.

"Do you feel you've made any progress here?", asked John. We talked about goals.

I told him what my goals were. "To stop purging . . . to not keep asking people what they just said, or what somewhat else said . . . to be able to look around when we go into a store. But those are pretty lofty goals . . . I don't see myself making progress in them anytime soon."

"Do you have any more short-term goals?"

I thought for a while. "No."

I asked John how well he knew me, and he said, "Every time you come here I'm getting to better and better know your patterns." He said there were still some things he didn't understand about me, such as why I felt compelled to ask someone whether she or he heard the WH-word, then ask again whether they were absolutely sure they didn't hear it.

Stan was late with Aaron, so I waited in his office for a longer amount of time than usual until Aaron came. Aaron went in and Stan and I picked up Charles. I went inside Charles' house and stayed in the bathroom so I wouldn't hear the television or any other source of words. I turned the fan on.

After about fifteen minutes in the bathroom, I heard a knock at the door. Stan said he was ready.

We drove up to John's office and Aaron came out. Stan got out and talked on his cellphone. I plugged my ears and repeated "Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm" again and again. Finally I got out and asked Stan if he'd drive me home.

"As soon as Charles gets out," he said.

This would take a while. Charles' appointment lasted 40 minutes. I told Stan I needed to get away from his cellphone conversation, and he told me to walk over to a red car. I walked there, and then Stan walked farther away, and I plugged my ears.

Aaron kept talking about his Pokémon game next to me while I stood. I told him it was hard to make out the place names he was talking about his my ears plugged. He did several Pokémon impressions standing next to me.

Aaron paced back and forth between Stan and me several times, and then Stan finally announced that Charles was back out of John's office, so we could return home. Yay!

I hopped in the car along with Aaron and Charles, holding my Taco Bell bag. We dropped them off, and Stan told them not to unfasten their seatbelts and grab the door handles before he had stopped the car.

Stan made a cellphone call. After a while, I asked him whether he was done. He wanted to know why I wanted to know.

"So I know whether I can let my guard down", I told him.

"James, you can always let your goard down. I'm not going to say those words."

Stan turned off his Musiq Soulchild CD. I plugged my ears, now that I would be able to hear other car radios at stoplights. I maneuvered through a tricky routine of plugging my ears and stoplights and when Stan's phone interlocutor was speaking, and unplugging them when Stan spoke while the van was moving. Finally I had made it home in one piece and could eat my Taco Bell.

I get beaten up again

Note: This post was originally written yesterday, Sunday. Blogspot encountered an error and refused to save my posts. So I'm posting it today.

Yesterday I received a phone call from Aaron Moody. He wanted me to sign in on his Yahoo account, to make sure it was still active.

I signed out of my Yahoo account and signed into his (we both know his password). That was the worst thing I could have done that day.

First I saw one of the Yahoo people -- the one with dark skin and the grey glasses, with the UFO on his shirt. Now, I've read up much on UFO's, and I find the phenomenon simply fascinating. I've hoped for the day when I was abducted. But for some reason, that Yahoo character's shirt simply gets me to purging and leaves a real soupy, saucy taste in my mouth. It no doubt comes from the days of eating space Spaghetti-Os -- the ones with the astronaut-shaped pasta and the UFO's that are filled with meat. I have to purge "Yadoloo Adoleff Adolo, fladolying sadolaucer, sadoloup, saintlousie", until that Spaghetti-O taste is out of me.

Then I saw one of the ads at the left with the pictures that Yahoo Mail uses. Greasemonkey can't alter the words in images, so "C-ti" in a C-tibank ad appeared. One day when I was 7 the word "city" started making me purge while I was watching a news feature about Rainbow City. Eventually "city" stopped being a trigger word, although it leaves a peanut butter taste in my mouth to this day. However, the misspelling "C-ti", and "C-tibank", "C-ticorp" and "C-tigroup" all make me purge.

But then I saw the clincher. Below Aaron's emails, which were up at the top of the screen, I saw "Got your exe on the links?" in the middle of the screen. I let out a big "Ewwwwwwwww!", and I was expecting whatever staff was there then to rush in. You see, Aaron has the new Yahoo Mail. I never upgraded mine. (Even though it doesn't have "keep" in it, I shall label this with "K and E words", as I'll use this for "keep an exe on", "have one's exe on", "got one's exe on" and "Exe on the Bay" -- anything with "exe on" in it.) I exited out of Aaron's emails, as I was a wreck.

First I purged off those peanut-buttery "Sadoliti, Sadoliti"s. Then I finally got the soup, sauce and pasta out of myself purging off the UFO shirt. I just needed some time for recovery.

Aaron had told me he would come over on Sunday, but he came over that same day. When he entered my room, I told him I had purged a lot after entering his email account. He asked me what I did at program, and we visited Fourth Kingdom together. I gave him that pfeffernuss I had left over because he was really hungry. (The last few times I had offered it to him, he turned it down.)

But then he started talking about email accounts. He had created a new Yahoo account -- something with 1986 in it -- that he tried to use to register on a cheat code site when they refused to admit his normal email address. We were trying to remember what that address was.

Then he signed into his normal Yahoo account. What a waste that I had had to sign into his email account -- he was logging into his after all! As we was looking at his emails, he asked me, "What does this mean?"

Not wanting to look at his Yahoo Mail screen after what had happened earlier that day, I told him, "Spell it for me."

"What does this symbol mean?", he asked.

I told Aaron to look at the screen and make sure there was nothing that would offend me. None of the words. "Does it have the K & E words?", I asked. Aaron told me there was nothing like that on the screen.

I looked at the screen and when I looked, I looked right smack dab in the middle of the screen. Right there in the middle of the screen was that "Got your exe on these links?"

"Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!" My shriek of grossed-out-ness shook the house.

I pointed to the E-word right there, in all its slimy, ocular glory.

"I didn't see that", said Aaron.

He showed me the symbol, and I told him my vision was so blurry I couldn't even make out what it was. My entire misadventure of looking at the screen was wasted!

I told Aaron I would have to purge. He said he'd be playing some DragonFable while I was in the restroom.

Just as I walked out of my room, Stan came barging in. He said he'd be taking us to Barnes and Noble because Aaron wanted to look at a cheat code book.

I told Stan in the van that I was very on-edge right now and needed to purge. He said he'd take me to the restroom in Barnes and Noble.

While we were in the van, Aaron told Bernard the joke "What did one eye say to the other?" (The answer was "Between you and me, something smells".)

Jason got out, then as Jason got back in, Charles told him to scxxt over. I growled.

Stan said, "So that makes two purges".

"Yep," I said.

"James, I'm glad you're coming, because it's very therapeutic for you to be spending time with your brothers. It's not healthy for you to be in your room all the time." Something that makes me purge and puts me through excruciating pain is therapeutic?

"Why cooldn't I stay at home with Miesha?", I asked, referring to the staff who was coming along too.

When we got there, I went into the back of the store, following Stan to the restroom. I spent the whole time purging. I heard Charles and saw Rodney coming in during my time there.

As I purged, I heard a Barnes and Noble employee come in and ask me, "Are you all right?"

"No, I'm not all right."

"Are you stuck?"

"No, I'm not stuck."

"So you're all right?"

"I'm not all right, but I'm not stuck."

Then I heard some little boy in there saying, "Yxk". One more word I would have to purge off. I'd probably do that one at home.

Eventually Stan was ready to go home, and I still wasn't done purging. I washed my hands, then followed him out to the van.

Aaron said, "We're still cool, right, James?"

I told him yes.

"I'm sorry. I should have saw it."

At the end of our trip to Aaron and Charles' house, Aaron apologized again. He said, "I'll keep an exe out for that word".

"Ewwwwwwwww!", I responded instantly.

"Sorry, sorry. Are we still cool?"

I don't know about it this time.

Friday, March 7, 2008

A third anniversary

Today is a special day. It's not my birthday. It's not one of my siblings' birthdays. It's not my high school graduation date. It's not even the anniversary of the day I became friends with Lamesha.

Today was the third anniversary of the day I started CIWP.

Yesterday we were driving across the road -- Brenda, Ken, Edward and I -- and we hit a stoplight. While we were at the stoplight, a car radio was playing. This wasn't like when it's really low down and I hear the whispering and hissing sounds and think I can hear the M-word. This was at normal volume. I asked Brenda, "Whose car radio is that?"

"Our car radio isn't on."

"Then whose radio is playing music?", I asked.

Brenda turned the radio up. Then she heard the radio and was surprised to discover it was on. "I didn't hear that," she said. "It was so quiet."

"Quiet?", I asked. "That was loud!"

That was when Edward said he didn't hear it either.

"You had to have heard it!", I told him. "It was unmissable!"

"You've got sharp ears", said Brenda.

"Surely you had to have heard it, right Ken?"

"Nope, I didn't, James", Ken said.

Today I talked about that incident with La Netta. She told me I must have better ears than the other clients and coaches.

"Sometimes when you don't have one sense", said La Netta, "Another one is extra strong to make up for it." She speculated that without my sense of smell, I have developed super-strong hearing instead.

She told me that Maria at the office had lost her sense of smell a few years ago. When Maria told La Netta, La Netta said, "Oh, so you're anosmic!", and Maria learned a new word. La Netta had learned the word from me.

We were supposed to go to Target this week, and since it was not any of the other four days, I thought it would be today. However, there was no Target on the schedule. When I asked "What about Target?", they said they had gone the day I was at the mental health clinic, before we went to Concord together. I had missed it! I asked them if they could take me there instead of Happy Doughnuts to get my juices.

The gospel station was playing today, and we heard a song by an artist whose name was -- what did they say, Smokey Norfol? Or was it Smoky Norfol? The song seemed to have the word "ding-a-ling" in it, and said something about birds singing. I asked La Netta whether they said "ding-a-ling" and she said they definitely didn't. I then asked whether it had "t-ngling" in it and La Netta said there were no words I didn't like. I asked her then what the word was and she didn't recall a word like that being in there.

I listened to the song ID at the end of the song, and they said it was called something like "For All the Lord Has Done" or "What the Lord Did for Me" or something like that. I forgot the exact title after a few minutes. None of us could remember.

Lisa was going to the office for Lita's birthday. Since we stopped in the office, I asked if I could use the Internet service on Kulwinder's computer to google the lyrics. Maria let me use her computer, and La Netta and I went in to google them.

I typed in

"smokey norfol" into the Google page. I got 10 hits, one of which also said "Smokie Norfol." So I typed in

"smokie norfol"

and got two or three hundred hits. There was a Google prompt, asking

Did you mean "smokie norful"?

I clicked on that and I had just found the correct spelling of his name. I went on and searched his album titles, track titles, everything, but we didn't find the title of the song I was looking for. I tried googling for both Smokie Norful and "ding-a-ling", but I didn't get any songs either. I couldn't take my pill until I had googled those lyrics.

I ran to the restroom. La Netta soon knocked on the door and said that Brenda was waiting to take me to Target. So I entered the van.

I plugged my ears while we were at the stoplight, so I wouldn't hear the M-word from any car radios. I heard Brenda's mumbled words. When the van was moving again, I asked Brenda what she said. She said she talked about "a big man, driving a little bxtty car". I growled, as now I would have to purge off "bxtty".

While I was purging off the B-word, Brenda read a sign on a restaurant. "$1.99. Ice xxxxx".

"Blechhh!", I said. I repeated it.

"What's wrong?", asked Brenda.

"You said the I-word!"

"Ice xxxxx", Edward explained to her.


"Sorry!", said Edward.

Brenda explained that she was reading a sign out loud and "it slipped".

I sat there in the back purging off the I-word, all through lunch. Then we dropped Edward off. We headed towards Target, whose restrooms we would use to change Jolene.

I got Jolene's wheelchair out and soon we were treading our way in there. I finished purging off the I-word, then Brenda called me and I finished. I then did the word "bxtty" twice.

When I finished, Brenda walked out the door, but I told her I wanted juices. We went to the juice aisle and bought cranberry juice and grape juice. Then we drove home.

When I got home I searched for Smokie Norful's songs. I looked at the Amazon pages for all of his albums, and didn't see the title. I searched for more variations of "bird" and "sing" with Smokie Norful.

Then I visited the website of this gospel station, the light, at and tried to call them. I got their office in Winston-Salem! I sent them an email asking about the song. Hopefully, they'll write back and tell me what the title of this song is. I hate it when I don't know the lyrics.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The K&E words

I got out of my room after 9:00 and asked Tiffany for a chimichanga. She gladly obliged and muted the television while she got my chimichanga.

As soon as she gave it to me, she went back to her television set and turned the sound back on. I popped open the wrapper on one end and put the chimichanga in the microwave. That's when I heard some character on TV say "keep an exe on".

"Ewwwwwwww!", I shrieked instantly.

"What's wrong?", asked Tiffany.

"I heard the K & E words."

"James, they didn't say the K&E words. It was the K-blank-blank-P without the ending."

"Keep? Just keeping? But not . . ." I pointed to my right eye.

"That's right", said Tiffany.

"What was the whole sentence?"

"He said, 'keep an exe on her'."

"Ewwwww! Those are the K & E words, Tiffany!"

"Those are the K & E words? I didn't know that."

"Yes. Keep, than an, then . . ." I pointed to my right eye again. "Then on."

"So I can say 'keep', I just can't say it with 'eye'."

"That's right, Tiffany."

I walked into my room, then I walked back out to see if the chimichanga was done. Tiffany called my name.

"Yes, Tiffany?"

"I know you're going to have to purge," said Tiffany.
"But . . . James, I'm sorry for saying those words. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes, Tiffany." She asked whether I wanted a hug, and I gave Tiffany one. That felt good, and would help me have the resolve to finish up my purging.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

A day in Concord

Instead of having La Netta pick me up this morning, Pia drove me to a mental health clinic. I hadn't seen John in two weeks, and we needed somewhere I could get servoces.

I had to fill out a form with my name, birthdate and medication. Then the woman at the reception desk told me she wanted a form with my language, ethnicity, parents' names, county of birth and caretakers' names filled out.

Finally, a woman was ready to see me. This woman greeted Pia and me, then established that she was my caretaker. She told us, "We don't normally see clients from the Regional Center here". (The Regional Center of the East Bay is a place around here that works with people with disabilities.) Pia repeated that I need to be seen because I am suffering so badly due to my problems. The woman who worked there (I didn't catch her name) asked me about my medication. Pia started telling her about how much Risperdal I take, then the woman banged her pen down on the table and told Pia to slow down.

Pia yelled at the woman that she didn't like her attitude. The woman said, "Don't use that voice with me".

Pia told her, "You started the aggression. You banged that pen down. You banged that pen down."

The woman told Pia she was exceedingly hostile. Pia retorted that that lady was the one who was hostile.

Pia called in the security to witness their conversation. She explained the woman's hostility and noted that the woman had said they normally don't see Regional Center clients. But when the security staff was in, the woman changed it to "We don't normally see clients from the Regional Center long-term here". They continued arguing ontil the woman said Pia should leave. When Pia refused, she asked, "Do you want me to call the police?"

Pia left, and said, "I'm filing a complaint on you."

Then the woman spent some time alone with me. I told her about Stan and Pia owning the group home I lived in. I told her I take two milligrams of Risperdal in the a.m., and two in the p.m. She asked whether I was allergic to any drugs or anything else, and I told her I was allergic to Haloperidol.

She asked me about the way I attack myself. She wanted to know whether I cut myself. I explained that I didn't cut myself, but that I might bite myself, or bang my head, or potch my abdomen. I explained that in the self-mutilation I was a surrogate for attacking others, and that I was imagining that I was the person whom I wanted to attack as I felt the pain. She asked why I hate these people so much that I want to hurt them.

"Because of their political views . . .", I began.

"So these aren't people you know? These are people you read about in the news?"

"Oh, a lot of people I know too."

I briefly touched on the words and purging. I explained what I did when I purged. I told her that I called it logaesthesia, but I didn't get into the way I taste words.

I told her about my blog, but she didn't collect the URL.

Then I left, and Pia drove me to the CIWP office. I had possibly heard the WH-word while I was leaving the office, so I spent some time in the restroom once we got to the office. Jolene had an accident, so we spent like 45 minutes changing the poor woman.

I was about to get in my seat when I finished, but Brenda said, "Wait a minute. You'll have to sit in the middle, because Rodney and Edward are both big mans".

I let Rodney get in, then I squeezed myself as close to Rodney as possible, then Edward got in.

"James, did your mom buy your shoes?", asked Robert.

"Yes, yes, she ordered them from New Balance," I told him.

As we drove to Concord, Rodney wasn't squeezed in enough, because Edward said, "Could you scxxt up some?"

I went, "Rrrrrrrrr!"

"What's wrong?", asked Brenda.

"Edward said the SC-word."

"I told him, I need more space, could you scxxt over to the left?", said Edward.

"That's the SC-word!"

"He doesn't like that word," said Brenda.

We got to Concord, and stopped at a bank there. Brenda and Edward got out and left the van door open. As I sat in the van, La Netta made a cellphone call. It was a long call.

"Thank you for the ice xxxxx", La Netta told her phone interlocutor.

"Blechhh!", I said. "La Netta, is there a restroom around here?"

"I'll take you somewhere", said La Netta.

With that, I slammed the van door shut.

"I said, 'I'll take you somewhere'", said La Netta.

"I can't hold it in!"

I spent several minutes in the back seat, purging off the I-word.

Without looking around, we went around surveying the town for something to eat.

Brenda took Edward, Ken and me to two Chinese restaurants before giving up hope of buying Chinese food and settling for a Subway. They are got lunch there, while I went lunchless for the day.

"James, what do you think about Clinton?", asked Ken.

"He shouldn't have lied. He asserted that he didn't have sex with that woman!", I replied. Then I asked Brenda, "Brenda, do you believe Bill Clinton is going to burn in Hell for his affair with Monica Lewinsky?"

"It depends. If he says, 'I'm sorry', and asks for forgiveness, he won't go to Hell. But it's not for me to judge him. At Judgment Day, God is going to judge all the adulterers."

We then drove home, with Robert asking questions about whether Target has popcorn. La Netta told him to cut it out. Edward talked a bit with the coaches about Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. Finally, we left Concord without having done much of anything. We dropped Edward home, then Ken, then Robert.

Fourth, Brenda reached Rodney and my house. I was home.

"We didn't do much of anything in Concord", I told La Netta.

La Netta said that I had an appointment and that ate into our Concord time. Jolene also had an accident, which wasted for time and shortened our trip. "So you can't really blame anyone", said La Netta.

She said she'd take us to Concord again next week.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

A bang-up bissextile day

On February 29, Friday, bissextile day, was planned CIWP's annual Black History Month picnic. We would all meet at the same park they had the Halloween party, and bring foods associated with African-Americans (like fried chicken, black-eye peas and cornbread). La Netta was worried that I wouldn't do well at the party with all the conversation and the plastic silverware, but I really wanted our group to come because I knew how much Jolene loved food.

As I sat in the middle seat of the back row during our pick-ups, Emanuel said, "Scxxt over."

"Rrrrrr!", I growled.

"He doesn't like that word", said La Netta.

We stopped at the office, where I purged in the r
estroom. We hung out for a while more, where I sat in the room with the couch on it, sleeping on the couch with my sunglasses on the chair, until La Netta came to get me.

La Netta and I went into See's, where they had their Easter eggs out on display by now. I bought a St. Patrick's Day Potato and a bag of Jelly Bird Eggs.

We then continued our journey, with Jolene, Ken, Emanuel and me, into Oakland so we could meet at the park by the port. While going there, we hit one of the longest stoplights I had ever experienced at CIWP. I plugged my ears to avoid hearing radios in other cars. Brenda talked with La Netta for the duration of the stoplight. Finally I unplugged my ears and asked, "Has Brenda said the M-word at any time during this stoplight?" La Netta told me she hadn't. Then Emanuel asked me for one of my See's chocolates. I gave him the free sample I had received from my See's bag.

During one of our stops I thought I heard the WH-word twice. It was something that sounded like the WH-word, whatever it was.

Finally we reached our destination. La Netta told me that the restroom was too far from the eating area for me to spend all day in. She gave me my pill and stood outside the restroom while I went in. I purged off the WH-word, twice. While I was in there, Jose, another client, was in the adjacent stall, and said, "Hi, James" Then he said it again.. I took my pill, then told La Netta I had to wait for Jose to finish so I could wave at him.

Time passed and Jose did not come out. I saw Jose's stall was ajar, so I stuck my right hand in the opening at the right, and waved it at him. Then I stuck it in again, and waved it again. Then I stuck it in a third time to wave it. I walked out.

La Netta sat on a bench while I stood nearby. Jolene and the other clients were with Brenda, at a distance. She broke her turkey sandwich in half, and gave me half of it in its wrapper. I ate my part of the turkey sandwich while she ate her meal.

We talked about the song "Y.M.C.A." by the Village People. I told her about the karaoke they had at grad night, where I had performed "Macarena" as well as Bette Midler's "From a Distance". Then someone wanted to do "Y.M.C.A." and got three other boys to perform the song with him. Having seen me sing, he selected me at one of his four partners. At first I was hesitant -- after all, shouldn't I be
singing a song about the YMHA? I got up there and sang the song with the other boys. I told her how it was only years later that I learned "Y.M.C.A." was a gay anthem, and that he had selected me because I was bisexual.

La Netta was getting ready to join Jolene, so she gave me the macaroni salad from her Lucky's lunch and said good-bye as I drove off with Brenda. Brenda and I were going out to pick up Edward.

We picked up Edward, then drove him to the picnic. I had to ask Brenda or Edward what they had said several times on our trip back to the park.

Brenda walked me all the way over to where La Netta was. Several other clients and coaches were gathering for a large photo on the grass. I didn't want to step on the grass, lest I get my shoes muddy and confer the mud to the seat of my pants when I sat down or sat on my comforter. I declined the invitation to be photographed several times before Lita finally took a photograph.

When the photograph was done, Tiffany stepped out, and we talked. I asked Tiffany if she wanted to be photographed with just me. Tiffany said that I would have to ask Lita.

Just then, I heard someone say the words "ice xxxxx".

"Blechhh!" Tiffany told me that I had better run to the restroom. I found my way to the restroom quick, all shots at a shot with Tiffany ruined.

I went in the second stall, the same stall I had used earlier, and locked the bar in so no one could open it. I heard someone knocking and trying to get in. "I'm in here!," I said. It was Nino. Nino apologized.

Nino went around trying to clean the restroom while I purged and purged. La Netta came and said Jolene was finished changing her diaper. I told her I wasn't done purging. La Netta said she'd walk Jolene to the van and then come back for me.

I tried to feel the vanilla ice xxxxx coming up as I porged off, "Adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam". La Netta came back and asked if I was ready. I told her almost. Finally, I purged it off right. I washed my hands and then came out to meet La Netta, who walked me out to our van.

I drove Edward crazy as I asked him what he had said about the jeep. (I was trying to determine whether or not he had said, "Whxxpsie". We finally dropped Edward off -- our first drop! Emanuel then talked about Berkeley and how it was overrun by White people. I asked whether there were now more Asians than Whites in Berkeley (just look at the UC Berkeley student roster!) I ascertained with Emanuel, "You're African-American and Cherokee, right?"

"Right," said Emanuel. "My family is the Masons, and then the Ortezes and the Thompsons."

"Ortez is an Hispanic surname. Are you part Hispanic?"

"No, I'm not. You see, you have the Masons, that crazy cult."

"Are you talking about the Freemasons?"

Emanuel had never heard of the Freemasons, so I explained. I wondered if next he was going to claim that he knew the Illuminati.

He talked about the Thompsons. There was his sister in the Thompson family, who was a doctor. Then there were the cops, and his brothers.

La Netta talked with Brenda about maneuvering their way around town and getting Emanuel to the BART station, while Emanuel continued chatting away. Something about an ambulance.

We finally dropped Emanuel off at the BART station. They talked about dropping Jolene off first and Ken last, but they turned out to visit Ken's house before either mine or Jolene's.

Finally, I said good-bye to my friend Jolene as we stopped off at my house. It was after 3:00 when they finally got me home. I said good-bye for the week to La Netta and went in to ziploc my St. Patrick's Day Potato and eat my macaroni salad.