Friday, November 30, 2007
Making sure I had enough money to buy this $3.something purchase, I counted my coins. As I took each quarter, dime or penny out I put it into my hands. I had over $3 in coins in my right hand by the time I was done.
I would use my left hand to interlock to left arm with La Netta's right arm. Through the aisles of Albertson's we perambulated. While we walked, the song "Accidentally in Love" by the Counting Crows played.
"Well baby I surrender/To the strawberry ice xxxxx . . ."
"Blechhh! Did you hear that, La Netta?"
As soon as I got into the van, I would have to purge the I-word off. But what I would actually spend most of my purging time on, I did not yet know.
The cashier took my coins. I handed them all to her, hand to hand, confident that I had exactly the right amount.
She counted them, then said I had an extra nickel. She said she would give the extra nickel to me. I reached my hand out, palm open, and she placed it in. The nickel dropped right out and made a chinging sound.
"Whxxps!", said the cashier.
That clumsy OX! I immediately slammed my forehead and went, "D'OH!" It didn't bop it right in the center the way that feels really good, so I bopped it again. "D'OH!" Then I went for a third time.
La Netta put her hand in front of my forehead to insulate my blow. I said, "D'OH!" a third time and smacked the place again. It went right onto La Netta's hand.
Finally, she took her hand off and I did a "D'OH!" that landed right on the eorehead.
"You said a word he doesn't like," La Netta explained to the cashier.
"You said the WH-word," I told her.
"Oh, sorry", she said.
I checked my hand and found no particles of dead dipser from handling the coins. That means I could start purging immediately without having to wash my hands.
We went into the van and as soon as the side door was closed I unzipped my pants and began purging. The "ice xxxxx" was rather easy. But then came the "whxxps". "Whadoloops, whadoloops, whadolewps, adolewps, whadoloops, adoloops, adolewps".
We went to lunch and they took me to the restroom. It was a building with stone brick walls. Some of the stalls were open at the bottom sides. Looked almost like a cave. I purged there with my "whadoloops"es and my "whadolewps"es as my hands thrust away at my groin. My chants popped dissolutely up as I captured the hollow sound of "whadoloops".
La Netta came to get me. I wasn't ready.
I purged some more. I tried to really get the feeling of her "whxxps", thinking it backward in exactly the same tone the cashier had said it. Then I did some "whadoloops"es. Then a "whadoloops, adoloops, adolewps, whadoloops, whadolewps, adolewps". Then some "adolewps"es.
La Netta came again. She said she didn't want to be late getting Jolene and Ken and me home. I came out. Then as we drove home I continued to purge in the back seat of the van.
Then we got to my house. Jolene was in the back row with me. She moved her legs to the right so I could step out.
"I'm still not done purging off the WH-word", I told her.
"She didn't know", said La Netta.
"That doesn't make me feel any better", I said.
I got home and refrigerated my sandwich. I then continued with some "whadoloops"es and "whadolewps"es.
Finally I finished, and being able to swallow again, I ate my ham sandwich.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
While I was sitting atop my bed resting, I heard the door open. Jason came in and rumbled around.
I heard someone knock a little later on and said, "Come in!" It was Tone (short for Antonio), a staff here.
"How was your day?", Tone asked me.
I stuck my thumb up.
"That's good to hear." Tone left the room.
The door opened and Jason came in again. He left. I looked around and everything was still on the table.
Just after 6:00, I heard my door open a fourth time. Someone turned the light on. I heard some scavenging around.
I looked at my dresser to make sure my favorite radio was still there. It wasn't in its usual place. Jason was walking out of the room.
"Hey!", I shouted.
Jason grunted. I heard him throw a radio down as he turned out the light.
I got up out of bed and put my sunglasses on. I sure hoped my radio didn't fall behind the dresser where the cobwxbs are. I turned on the light.
I saw the back of my red radio facing me, sitting right next to my CD case, chopsticks and travel silverware on my dresser. It was the part of my dresser right near my door where Jason had dropped it.
That thief! I am going to have to tell Stan about this.
My little red radio has disappeared two times before. The second time I already told you about -- it was after Lamesha stopped working here. It disappeared 11 months ago, in fact.
My first time it disappeared was in the middle of 2006. Stan had rearranged some things in my room. One day I noticed that my radio wasn't in its usual spot. Stan told me he hadn't thrown it away. I looked everywhere -- in every conceivable spot in my room, and then in some inconceivable spots. I finally convinced Stan to search the garbage cans, just in case he had thrown it away by accident. He didn't find it.
Then, a few days later, Lamesha produced the radio that she had given me. It was in the cabinet under the sink of my restroom.
But how did it get there? The only possibility I can think of is that Jason put it there.
This radio was given to me by Lamesha, who no longer works here. When I have the radio with me, I can think about the good times I've had with Lamesha and my friendship with her. We just loved each other. Ever since she gave me that radio on Christmas of 2005 and I said, "I like it, Lamesha!", her radio has given me months (23 months, so far) of pleasure and cherishing.
I simply have to keep my radio. Stan talked earlier, after Jason stole some cranberry juice in my room, about giving me a lock for my room. Until Stan gives me a lock, I'm keeping my radio with the pants in my chest-of-drawers so Jason doesn't find it.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Before 2:30, Brenda drove me to the office of the psychologist. At 2:35, Stan was there to walk me up to the office.
I walked right in and John greeted me. He asked how I'd like to begin sessions. I told him that I liked to begin my sessions by telling him any issues that I may have or discussing recent events since I last saw him, but this week I didn't have anything to say. So, I said, I would like you to start the conversation today.
"Would you like me to ask questions?", asked John.
So John's first question was: "How have you been feeling this week?"
"I still miss Lamesha."
"Lamesha was a staff who used to work at my group home." I told him about all the things Lamesha had done for me. "Then one day, Lamesha got a job as a bus driver. She worked both driving the bus and as a staff at my home. Then Lamesha told me she wouldn't be working at my group home anymore." I told John how Lamesha had left.
Then I told him that Lamesha would hug me after each shower, and I was writing down the dates of every shower I took.
"How often do you take a shower?"
"Once a week. These last few weeks, I've been taking my showers on Wednesdays."
"Why did Lamesha hug you?"
"As a reward for showering."
"Why don't you like to shower?"
"I get this rush of cold water on my back when I turn the shower on." Then I went on to discuss cleaning out the particles of dead bug, and how time-consuming and requiring of visual acuity it was. "I talk all about it in my blog."
I went on to ask John whether he had read my blog. He told me he had read the seven most recent entries that were on the page. I told him to go to the right of the screen and click on the "September" below the November and October posts.
"I didn't see that when I was looking at your blog", said John.
The topic of conversation shifted to Dr. Levine. "Now, I'm curious as to why you stopped seeing Dr. Levine."
"From what I understand, my insurance company stopped covering him or something like that."
"How long have you been seeing Dr. Levine?"
"Since my twenty-fifth birthday in 2004."
"And when was the last time you saw him?"
"It was this year, in October or September."
"Now, you told me last time that wien you went to Dr. Kirk he said something he said that disturbed you soooooo much. Did that have anything to do with why you stopped seeing him?"
"Yes, it did."
"Could you tell me what exactly it was he said?"
"I wouldn't be comfortable telling you yet."
Before I knew it, our session was over.
I walked into Stan's car and he helped me with that tricky seatbelt (the seatbelt buckle pops back into a compartment in the middle of the seat row). Then it was Charles' turn. We picked up Aaron and came back for Charles, who rode with us.
R&B songs played on Stan's satellite station. A song came up that said, "And bless me with your beauty", and I covered my ears to avoid hearing the next word, "cutxe". The next few times it came on, I made a "blechhh" sound.
"What's wrong?", asked Stan.
"I was covering my ears so I wouldn't hear the C-word."
Then it came on again.
"What does it rhyme with?"
"It rhymes with 'beauty'. They just said it."
"I bet you hear that word a lot."
"Actually, I don't. We don't listen to any R&B stations at program."
They listened to R&B for a few more songs, then Stan said "Let me see if I can find something for James." He turned to a station that was playing rock.
We listened, then he turned to another rock satellite station. It played some Guns & Roses, then the speaker went on talking about the passing of Quiet Riot rocker Kevin LeBreaux. He talked some more, then we said, "We'll be keeping an exe on it for you."
When Aaron was done with his appointment, Stan told me, sitting on the left edge of the back row, to "Scxxt over".
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said that."
When I got home, I was a wreck. I told Tiffany about the words and she hugged me. Tiffany's brother had also been fatally shot, so we had another hug for that.
I purged in my room and Aaron kept knocking asking when he could come in, but he couldn't yet. Finally, I let Aaron in.
Then, after a while, I looked around and saw the bathroom open. Rodney was there in his pajamdras. Aaron would have to leave for a little while more so I could purge again. Then I let him back in.
It was 10:30 when I finally ate my warmed-up Chinese food.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Brenda talked with Edward, and said, "There used to be this ice xxxxx place around here."
"Blechhh!", I instantly responded.
"Sorry!", said Brenda.
"Where's the restroom?", I asked La Netta.
"It's down there. We'll only be here for ten minutes, then we'll go to our next program site".
I had to purge. I staggered out of the van and looked frantically for a restroom.
La Netta started making a phone call. I got in the van and said I was ready to go.
"La Netta? I'm ready."
"La Netta's on the phone," said Brenda.
I called La Netta two more times. Brenda continued to chat with Edward,
Finally, the thooghts started racing through my brain (ice, ice, ice) and my purging ritual would become even longer. "I can't hold it in much longer!"
"He can't hold it in much longer," Brenda told La Netta.
"OK," La Netta said on her cellphone, "James can't hold a word in. He heard a word that he don't like, and he's having trouble holding it in. Bye."
They said they'd take me to Chorch's Chicken so I could use their restroom.
As it turned out they took me to the office instead. I went in there and went through a long ritual of purging off the I-word. I had to let Edward in at one point and I purged while he urinated and washed his hands. Then I just kept on purging.
Brenda came up and knocked at the door.
"We're leaving?", I asked.
"Yes, we're leaving."
I just couldn't stop purging off that I-word, though. I thrust and thrust. Eventually Brenda came up to knock again. "We're leaving," she said.
"I'm not done yet."
So I purged, until I got to some thrusts and chants that captured the soft, schmierkasig feeling of her "ice xxxxx place". The purging was complete and I washed my hands.
I ran down to the van where the group was getting in. They were all getting ready to drive off. Lisa was at the side of the back row near the car door. I squeezed by and Lisa said, "I wish I were so thin. Maybe if I ate Chinese food all the time I could be as thin as you."
Brenda still had to get Jolene in. "Scxxt over!", she said.
"Rrrrrrrrrr!!!", I replied.
"Sorry!", said Brenda. Then she said "Move over!" to Jolene. But it was too late. Now I would have to purge off the SC-word.
"Now I'll have to go to the bathroom again!", I said.
"Oh, James!", said Brenda.
I made a double run for the office restroom. I went in there and purged off the word "scxxt". Finally I was done and could drive out to In-N-out Burger to get two hamburgers with onions only.
It's such a sad thing when I have one word purged off and I'm all ready to go, then I have to go right back to the restroom after all that effort.
Monday, November 19, 2007
La Netta drove Ken and me to the area of his office in Albany at 2:00. Stan picked us up and walked us over near the office. At 2:30 a man with glasses in a brown dress shirt opened the door and said he was ready. "Are you John?", I asked.
"Yes", he said, "Are you James?"
And so he walked me to a couch in the middle of the large room -- no halls or anything. I sat right down, and he sat on the couch that was facing me.
Rather than driving the conversation, he just invited me to tell him about himself.
"Did Stan tell you about the words, and about the purging?," I asked.
I explained to him how I purge.
"Stan told me a little about the words, but I've forgotten. Can you tell me what they are again?"
"First let me explain the concept, then I'll get into the specific words.
I told him how I have the sensation of swallowing words as I speak, and how I have to get certain gross words out of my system by purging. I asked whether he wanted a demonstration of purging.
"If you unbutton your pants and purge, how much am I going to see?"
"You may see some pubic hair, and a waist."
"If I said one of these words", asked John, "Would you have to purge in front of me or could you wait until later?"
"I could wait . . . but some of the words are very hard to hold in. Is there a restroom in here?"
He told me there was a restroom.
I told him about the tastes of the words. "The M-word tastes like oatmeal and the WH-word tastes like whipped cream." I told him about the throsts and the broken forms of words, "like 'scadoloot' and 'madoless'".
Finally, I got to telling him what the words were.
"The SC-word . . . that's the way I say 'scadoloot' for . . . it begins with S-C and it rhymes with 'boot'. It's followed by 'over', and you tell people to do it when they're sitting in the wrong seat."
"OK. I've got that."
"And then 'madoless' is the M-word. It begins with M and it rhymes with 'dress'. If you need to clean up your room, people might say your room is a ______ . . . "
"OK." He said he had figured out what it was. "And you say it tastes like oatmeal?"
"That's right. And the SC-word tastes like carrot."
I went on with the WH-word.
"There's the WH-word. It begins with W-H, and there's only one thing it rhymes with. It's what you get when you take the WH off the beginning, and it means the same thing. It's what you say when you goof up."
John said he still hadn't figured out what word I was talking about. But you, my readers, of course know that I am referring to "whxxps".
We went on with the words. Then I talked about Dr. Levine. I told him how I had discussed this stuff with Dr. Levine in detail. "Dr. Levine said I was the only one of his patients who had this. He had never heard of anything like this."
"And how does it feel to be the only person with this?", John asked.
"In one way, it's sort of cool. But I also wish I knew someone like me."
"So you say that it's cool . . . but you also say it feels lonely."
"That's right. If you have bipolar disorder, there are millions and millions of other people with bipolar disorder. If you have Tourette's and you swear a lot, there are probably other people in your own hometown with coprolalia. But me? No one."
He asked me what to say at the end of the session.
"It's been nice seeing you, John."
"And it's been nice seeing you, James. Is that what you'd like me to say?"
I told him to check out my blog and read it starting from the oldest entry. I had already given John the URL for my blog. I stepped outside and Stan asked whether I was going to see John next Monday.
I told Stan that I was definitely going to see John next Monday.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him just because you can
Jolene has a boyfriend named Hank, whom she tells us about regularly. For months, Jolene would say "I'm getting married tonight!" She would tell us about this man named Hank, to whom she planned to be getting married. But each night when they were supposed to marry, Hank wouldn't show up.
One day Eula from Jolene's group home announced that Jolene was getting married tonight and she would be Jolene Hankson. Soon afterwards, Jolene came to program and for the first time she said, "I got married last night!" The next few weeks, she's been saying, "I got married last night" too.
Jolene told us about Hank on Friday. We learned that this guy loves fruit. "Apples and oranges, his favorite", said Jolene.
"Do you like apples and oranges too?", La Netta asked her.
"Yes, I do. Apples and oranges, my favorite".
Now, as you know from past blog entries, Jolene has also said things like Butterfinge bars are her favorite. And then there are strawberries. We saw strawberries in Trader Joe's and Jolene said, "Stawberries are my favorite!" So we got some for her.
And then there was the time Jolene had two burritos in her lunch. "I love burritos my favorite! I love burritos my favorite!" And another time she said, "I just love, love, love, chicken. That's my favorite!"
Other foods that Jolene has described as her favorite:
cookies (vanilla wafers, peanut butter cookies)
Peanut Butter Crunch
She also has several items that tie for her favorite drink. She's said soda was her favorite drink (and said it specifically about 7-up and root beer). Then one day we were discussing grape juice and she said, "Grape juice is my favorite. My favorite drink."
"But I thought soda was your favorite, Jolene," I said.
"They both are."
Other nominees for "favorite drink" include pomegranate juice (we saw it at Wal-mart) and tea.
I have never known anyone who loves food as much as Jolene. She'll eat her lunch before lunchtime, and if you take her to a picnic, she'll just eat more and more and more and more. That's why I give her tacos.
Because Jolene is "my favorite".
Thursday, November 15, 2007
As we drove to pick up Lisa, I heard something that sounded like someone bumping into Jolene in the back. I heard something that sounded like "Lips, sorry" and could tell that it must have been "Whxxps, sorry".
"E'oh!", I said. Then I asked La Netta, "La Netta, who said the WH-word?"
"I didn't hear nobody say the WH-word", she answered.
"Who was it who said 'sorry'?"
"I didn't even hear a 'sorry'."
"Is that Adeline in the van?"
"Her name is Juanita."
"Juanita, what did you say?"
"I don't remember," said Juanita.
"You said 'sorry', didn't you?"
"I may have."
"Didn't you bump into Jolene?"
"I don't remember bumping into her."
"Edward? Did you bump into Jolene?"
"I didn't bump into anyone," answered Edward.
"Do you remember saying the WH-word, Juanita?"
"I don't", said Juanita.
"Well someone said the WH-word, sorry."
I told La Netta that now I would have to purge. She drove off to the office and let me use the restroom.
I told Juanita to very pay close attention to what she says so she can repeat if I ask, but the damage had already been done. Because other people don't remember what they say and don't even care enough to pay attention to their words, I have to suffer going through a purge.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
La Netta continued talking about the topic of Sierra's parties, even though she didn't say the I-word again. While we were on our way, I heard Rovaughn, who was in the front seat, saying his typical "Salad salad".
Rovaughn is a 40-year-old man with Down's syndrome and a rounded body. He carries a Dipser-man lunchbag with him every day except Friday, on which he buys such things as "hamburger" and "salad salad". He always wears a black leather jacket that has a white paint stain on it.
I told La Netta I needed to go to the restroom. She asked me why, and I said that it was because I can't hold the I-word in very long. She said she'd let me go to the restroom at the dog park as soon as we stopped there.
Eventually, we got to the dog park. I entered the restroom and went into the stall. I kept purging and purging, but I just couldn't seem to get the I-word right.
Finally, I heard La Netta. "People are waiting to use the restroom."
I walked out of the stall and projected my voice. "I'm out." A man entered the stall I had been using.
I continued to purge. La Netta said she'd take me somewhere else.
We drove to Pacific East Ranch Market and La Netta let me use the restroom there. She considered doing her shopping first, but seeing the "ice" in "rice crackers" could make my purging longer. I went into the restroom and finally purged off the I-word.
"You weren't long at all", said La Netta.
"I just got inspired", I said.
I bought aloe juice, rice crackers and three different types of cookies at the market. Then we drove off to get lunch. La Netta told Ken that he could have Rovaughn's front seat at the end of the day. After that came Vincent Park.
I held a conversation with La Netta and Rosa at Vincent Park, then went into the Vincent Park restroom. Soon the group was finished, and ready to get back in the van.
I hopped in my usual back seat, behind the driver. My hope was that Robin Studebaker (who lives at Jolene's house) would get on the other end of the back row. In between Robin and me were my bags of Asian food.
Rovaughn headed for his seat in the front, but La Netta told him that it was Ken's turn to have the front.
"Get in the back, Rovaughn", said Rosa. "Get in the back!"
"Get in the back," said La Netta.
"No!", I said. "Get in the middle! The middle! I want Robin to get in the back".
"I didn't know Rovaughn was going to be a problem", said Rosa.
I explained that I couldn't have Rovaughn's lunchbag contaminating these seats or my bags of food. Ken got up in his favored front seat.
La Netta and Rosa tried to coax Rovaughn into getting in the middle row. Rovaughn wouldn't get in the van.
"He's not getting in," said La Netta. "He'll have to sit in the back with you."
"Ask him to sit in the middle."
"I did . . . and he won't."
"So he'll sit in either the front or back, but not the middle?"
"Then maybe Ken can let him sit up front."
"Ken did already put his seatbelt on, and he's not hearing that. And later we're picking up Rodney, so there are going to be some schedule changes that you won't like."
Rovaughn still wouldn't move.
"Maybe you can sit in the middle row," said La Netta.
"Then Rovaughn's lunchbag will contaminate my Asian food."
"Bring your food into the middle row with you."
"That's my row. Rovaughn will still contaminate it. PLEASE, Ken, let Rovaughn sit in the middle?"
I asked Ken if he could sit in the middle so Rovaughn would get in the front a few more times.
"Ken, will you let Rovaughn have the front seat?", asked La Netta.
"OK", said Ken.
"You can get in the front seat as soon as Rovaughn is dropped off. Thanks, Ken."
"Thanks, Ken", I said, just after she said it.
We were on our way. Rodney got in the van with his new blue-and-black backpack after we hit the office, and he squeezed between Robin and me while I put my Asian foods in the trunk.
With Ken wanting his front, me having my back uncontaminable, and Rovaughn refusing to sit in the middle, it's going to be a hard trip if they ever put Rovaughn with our group again.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I hopped in the van and Stan drove off to Aaron's house and loaded Aaron and Charles in. I heard Aaron say something about speaking to a police officer, while Stan said he didn't want to hear about it anymore.
Aaron saw me and said "What's up, brothaaaaaaah?"
After a little bit of driving, I spoke to Aaron. "So Aaron, you said you spoke to a police officer?"
"I did. I spoke to one yesterday." Then he explained why. "My Game Boy was stolen. But he got me a new one."
"You didn't say why your Game Boy was stolen," Stan told him. "It got stolen because you were talking to strangers. Don't make it sound as if it's not your fault."
Stan drove up to FoodMaxx and went in with most of the boys. I ascertained that I was staying in the van. Aaron said we wanted to stay too, but Stan made him come in with me. After a while, the group came back in from FoodMaxx and we headed to Wal-mart together.
I went in with them to Wal-mart. I was hoping to find some taffy, but when we reached the candy aisle, there was no taffy. I ended up getting a lasagna.
As we were loading our bags into the shopping cart, I heard a woman speaking to Aaron. I thought I heard a "whxxps", then I heard a "sorry". Since a "whxxps" could likely precede a "sorry", I asked Aaron whether the lady had said the WH-word.
"She said, 'Oh'," said Aaron.
As we headed back in the van, Bernard got into the wrong seat. "Scxxt over, Bernard", said Charles.
"No one said that word", said Stan.
"Yes, they did. I heard Charles telling Bernard to do the SC-word over."
Bernard and his brother Charles talked about video games for a long time. Then they started talking about strawberries.
"I had some strawberries, and man they were sweet," said Bernard.
Bernard continued to talk about his strawberries.
"And you know what, they were txsty too."
That would make something else to purge off. Maybe I didn't hear the WH-word, but I did hear the T-word.
We then made a stop at Ken's house. Stan delivered bags of food to Ken and his housemates.I I went into Ken's restroom, where I purged off a "yxm" I had heard at FoodMaxx, along with the SC-word. Shortly after I got done purging the SC-word off, Stan called me and said we were ready to head back into the van.
So I got in with Aaron, Bernard, Charles and Jason; luckily, no one told anyone else to scxxt over this time.
Aaron started singing. "Bananas, in pajxmxs, are doo-doo-doo-doo-doo; bananas in pajxmxs, are whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo". He continued singing some more. "Do you know the words?", he asked me.
"Well, there's going down the stairs . . . and chasing teddy bears . . . that's all I know."
Aaron brought up the Game Boy theft again. We had bought a card and was going to send it to the police officer to thank him for the Game Boy.
"Stan . . .", Aaron said, "You know something that guy said? He talked about shooting me."
"Don't add to your story," said Stan. "You're lying now."
"I'm not lying."
"If he had really said that, you would have told that to the officer."
"I just now remembered," Aaron explained.
"Stop talking about it, because now you're starting to add to your story and make things up. Don't lie."
"Stan . . ."
We stopped off at Aaron and Charles' house. While we were in their driveway, Stan delivered more bags of food. I started purging in my front seat while Stan was out. "Pajaamdras, pajahmdras, pajaamdras, pajahmdras". If the word "pajxmxs" is "mispronounced", as it is in the "Bananas in Pajamdras" song, I have to first do the "pajaamdras" purge, with the A as in "jam", and then to the "pajahmdras" purge, with the A as in "drama".
I finished just in time. Some African-American boys who looked like they were in their teens passed by Aaron's house. Charles said to Jason, "I saw them buying some ice xxxxx".
"Ice xxxxx", said Jason.
The ride home was longer than I thought it would be. I thought the words "ice" and "cream" quite a few times, and once Stan said "buy something", which had the word "ice" in it. He asked me if I wanted to stop by Taco Bell, and I said yes.
Eventually, we went to Taco Bell. I told Stan to order a hard-shelled taco, a Crunch Wrap Supreme, and a "spaahcy chicken burrito", to avoid saying something with "ice" in it and complicating my purges.
Stan ordered and used my money from the safe to pay for my order.
I got home, then did a lot of "adolice, adolice cradoleam" rubble-clearing. Finally, I got to the "ice xxxxx" itself, and purged the word off. Then I did the purging for the word "txsty".
Finally, I was able to eat my three Taco Bell items. I gobbled them, threw away the bag and fell into bed.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
At 9:37, Santina, a staff at my group home, said she was ready to give me my pill. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light/fan.
Before long, I heard Santina walking up to the bathroom door where I was standing; she was holding my Risperdal. I saw Santina's black T-shirt and focused on the writing on it; then I got a closer look at the bottom she was wearing. She was wearing pajamdra bottoms! Oh my god! A staff working at my house in her pajamdras! I would not be able to take my pill right then and there. Luckily, she walked off instead of watching me take my pill.
Her white pajamdras had vertical red pinstripes with something in between them. What that something was, I didn't catch. They looked an awful lot like the moose pajamdras my aunt got my siblings and me one Christmas, and needless to say, I never wore. If they had any pictures on them, I would have to purge off the pictures too. So I went out into the kitchen, with my pill in my right pocket, and got a look at her pajamdras. The television was on.
Finally, she stopped walking around. I got a good look at those stripes. Just a floral design. But then, right before I was ready to walk back to my room, I heard a sentence on the television. It sounded like "Whxxps".
"Did they say the WH-word on TV?", I asked Santina.
"What?", she asked.
"Did they say the WH-word on TV?"
"I don't know what they said. I wasn't listening."
"O-ohhhhhh," I whined.
"I don't think they said it."
"Did they say the word 'looks', L-O-O-K-S?"
"Did they say the word 'looks', L-O-O-K-S?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."
Then I slammed my forehead. "D'oh!" What that narrator on TV had said sounded so much like the WH-word. I would have to do my purging ritual for "whxxps" just to be on the safe side.
I walked into my room, yelling and slamming on my forehead. "D'OH!" "D'OH!" "D'OH!!!!!" I continued the forehead bop until I got a hard hit just in the center of my forehead, where I wanted it. "That clumsy ox!", I yelled. I was angry at Santina. If she had been listening, as she was supposed to do when her television program was on, she could have been able to positively identify the word and tell me that it wasn't the WH-word.
Then I unbuttoned my pants and started off on the WH-word. "Whadoloops, whadoloops, whadoloops! Whadoloops, whadoloops, whadoloops!" It took some time to get in the mood for it. I purged off the WH-word before purging off Santina's pajamdras. It wasn't until the next day that I could finally take my pill.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Before, I would have to use copy-and-paste to but the contents of a site, forum or blog into my Notepad program, then use Find and Replace. For instance, I'd change all the "ey"s to "ex"s to catch "keep an exe on", and change all the "oop"s to "xxp"s to catch "whxxps". I would replace "ie" with "xe" to catch a number of words. This was time-consuming, and if I didn't go through every possible word I would sometimes miss something in the text I was pasting in and have to purge.
But now I have something to replace all the trigger words on my Firefox browser.
I discussed my reactions to certain words on the Fourth Kingdom, and shared a link to my blog.
Tasslehoff B, one of the posters on the board, saw my posts and had an idea. There is a program called Greasemonkey that works for Firefox. It replaces words or sequences of letters with others. The most common use for this and similar programs are as censorware, so that someone will see the less offensive "f***" or "fxxk" instead of seeing the F-word written out. But Tasslehoff's idea was to adapt this for my purge-inducing words.
At first, he had a problem with his script when he tried it out on sites he visited. While catching "mxss", it changed "message" to "mxssage". When catchiing "xck", it changed "pick" to "pxck". While catching "pxke", it changed "poker" to "pxker".
So he decided to type in the root words in their isolated forms with spaces, hyphens, commas, periods, parentheses, etc. before and after. I sent him a list of the words that I wanted to catch isolated only. But this created a problem that failed to catch some words, as many were "in their own HTML blocks" and didn't catch.
I tried it out, and did a search on "peppermint tee" on Google (a search that had introduced a long session of purging before). I discovered that "bbcicexxxxx" still appeared with its "cream", even though having "icexxxxx" on the list would mean the filter should catch all words that contain it. Furthermore, the word "drxpping" appeared with its first I instead of appearing with an X on a Fourth Turning post I read.
I relayed this problem to Tasslehoff. He told me that after figuring out how to catch words in isolation only, he had used this technique on practically every word on my list. He rewrote it, using the isolator option on only the words I had specifically requested in for. With "pxke" being on my isolation list, I had been careful to make sure the filter caught "pxked", "pxkes" and "pxking" by including those forms separately. Tasslehoff sent me the new version, and it caught everything, from "axx oxxx the pxxxx" to "yxm".
This word catcher has been a new blessing. Now words appear on my screen with their X's. I saw a post the other day where the W-word was turned into "wxry", with its X, and an article on Obama had a link to an article about Le Mars, known for its ice xxxxx, with the I-word appearing twice with its X's. This came just in time, in fact, as Melancholy_Cutxe celebrated her birthday on the Fourth Kingdom site and the birthday announcement list appeared with the I in her name turned into an X. And now I can Google or surf Amazon without having to see the ads or information about "shxpping".
It is my hope that with this Firefox censor I have many happy decades of surfing the Net on my laptop without long Find and Replace routines or accidentally seeing a word and having to purge.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Target was on our schedule today, so I walked into Target with La Netta and Robert. (Brenda, another coach, was pushing Jolene's wheelchair and taking Robin with her too. Robin is a man from Jolene's group home who rocks back and forth and can't talk. He sometimes gets in fights with Jolene if you put them together in the van.) Before we entered Target, La Netta had warned Robert about asking clerks where the headphones were.
When we got in there, however, Robert walked straight up to a lady and asked, "Where are your headphones?" She told him upstairs. La Netta immediately told him what she had reminded him of before entering Target. "I'm sorry", said Robert.
Robert asked four more people in the store where the headphones were before we got to the headphone section. Each time Robert said he was sorry.
"No, you're not sorry," La Netta told him. "What you're doing is not funny."
As I held onto La Netta with my eyes closed, Robert picked up the various goodies in the store and asked La Netta what each of them were. I heard him picking up one thing and asking her what it was, and La Netta said "Dipser-man". Good thing I had my eyes closed!
"Don't touch me", I told Robert. That was very important.
We finally got to the headphone section and I looked around. Having these headphones to listen to could keep me from hearing the conversation surrounding me and prevent me from having to ask people what they had just said.
At last we were at the check-out, when I put my bottle of apple juice on the belt. Robert called my name and touched my extended hand with his hand.
"Robert! Don't touch me!", I exclaimed immediately. Robert had touched something Dipser-man, and now I would have to get it off of me. "Now I'm going to need to scrape it off."
I looked around for a sharp edge on the Target counter to scrape. "Can he scrape there?", asked La Netta. I found a sharp edge.
I scraped my right hand, finges and palm, against the edge. The Dipser-man was off of me.
La Netta warned Robert of the importance of not touching other people. When we got back into the van, Robert had to sit in the front. Good thing it wasn't next to me.
In the back row, I got Robin as my partner.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My friend Aaron wants to use my laptop every time he comes into my room. In addition to the food I have for him, there's something tempting about access to a computer. It's useful for looking up cheat codes for his Pokémon and Yu-gi-oh! games and visiting the Radio Disney site, but the thing Aaron loves most of all is a site called BattleOn.
If you go to http://www.BattleOn.com, you can find the thing. BattleOn, also known as AdventureQuest, is an online game where you get into Pokémon-like battles with various monsters. Winning battles enables you to win experience points and progress to higher levels. Defeated monsters can give you money, which can be used to buy new weapons. Players can save their characters and progress in the game with a unique username. There is also a spin-off game called DragonFable.
Before Aaron got onto BattleOn the last time he came over, I made him visit http://www.4thkingdom.com first. He ciecked and found he had one new reply to one of his board messages. He looked at a Halloween-related post from user Dawn_Violet that had a funny photo in it. However, he had no new emails. He quickly logged off from the site and started playing BattleOn.
There are some things I really don't like about his BattleOn game. It's gross, eerily similar to Halloween (it does involve monsters, after all).
There are several sketons in the game, and many other creatures that have skulls. The Undead Troll has a skull for a face, for instance. I can see its bxnes. What's really gross is that Aaron tells me one of the sketon enemies has bxnes that fall apart into, well . . . a pile of bxnes when you kill it in battle.
Then there are the arachnid enemies. Aaron sometimes fights a monster called a Giant Dipser, a big brown dipser whose eight exes are readily visible. Gross! There's even a cave in DragonFable that's full of cobwxbs.
As you can tell, I don't like to watch. Aaron often invites me to watch him play, but I always turn it down. He often tells me I just have to see this new weapon he got, and when he does, I cover my right eye and look only at the left portion of the screen to see him with his weapon. His new weapon is always unremarkable.
Aaron will talk about this game as he's playing it, which bores me. He'll often ask me, "Who do you think will win -- a level 14 or a level 20?" Sometimes he'll comment on his game: "I'm kicking his ass!", then after a second say "James", as if he expects a response from me. I'll say "Oh, OK". Often when Aaron plays BattleOn, he'll ask me the answer to an arithmetic problem, expecting me to do 161 minus 78 in my head. I do the problems for him, but Aaron says he was an excellent math student in school, so I thought he'd be solving the subtraction problems for himself.
When his incessant yabbering about his online game gets to be too much for me, I'll go to the bathroom when he's in my room. I'll turn on the fan/light and stand in the bathroom or sit on the toilet seat. After all, that can't be as boring as listening to him talk about BattleOn, right? Even then, sometimes he will call my name loud, and I'll turn off the light and run from the bathroom to the door of my bedroom to see what Aaron wants to show me. Sometimes it's just another new weapon.
BattleOn is a great game for those who can eat a snack while looking at sketons dissolving into bxnepiles or eight-exed txrxntulas (as Aaron does), but for those of us whose OCD is severe, give us old-school Super Mario Bros. 3.
Friday, November 2, 2007
As it turned out, I had just enough money to go to In-N-out Burger and get two hamburgers with onions only. Nino wanted McDonald's, while Jolene kept saying "I want a taco!" On our way there, Rosa asked how my day went yesterday.
I told her that David had said the I-word. "David said he was having a party, and I asked David if he was going to have that food I hate -- the food that started with I. And David didn't know what I was talking about. So I said, 'The food they sell at Cold Stone'."
Right then and there, David said, "Ice xxxxx?"
We got to In-N-out Burger and Nino excused himself to go to the restroom inside.
There were many people there in the drive-through. I asked La Netta, "La Netta, can I give you my money bag, and go into the restroom while you pay for it?"
"Why do you have to go?"
"I can't hold the I-word in very long."
"Well, if you want to do that we might as well not come here."
"Because there's a long line, and it's going to take longer to get our food now that we came here."
As I passed over my money and Rosa gave it to David to pay for my $3.78 order and David's lunch with his $20 bill, La Netta told me we could go to Fernandez Park to use the restroom, but even there, I couldn't be long.
Shortly, we were at a stop.
"Are we at Fernandez Park?", I asked.
"This is a gas station restroom," said La Netta.
I walked around the van and didn't see the eoor. Rosa showed me the way to the door of the gas station restroom.
She opened the door and I walked in. "Lock the door, please", she said.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrr! NO!" I hate it when people say "please". It makes me feel so angry and defiant.
"Why aren't you going to close the door?", asked Rosa.
"Because you said 'please'."
So I did all my rubble-clearing and then I purged off the I-word, with the door unlocked all the way through. Lucky for me, no one else popped in and said, "Whxxps, sorry" while I was in there.
Finally, I got out, and felt better, although I was still hurt at Rosa's "please". I stayed in the van for several minutes as Rosa, La Netta and the clients had lunch at Fernandez Park. After hours, we made our way to the office and Rosa split off from our van, taking Nino and David with her. La Netta drove Jolene and me home.
When we made it to my house Stan was there, but Jolene was very grouchy. "Home! OK! We're home!" She pulled on my leg and she said it.
"Good-bye, Jolene," I told her.
La Netta came to get the side door for me.
"Get out!," said Jolene.
"I think Jolene just wants to go home", said La Netta.
After I got out, I got one last kick in the butt, as I saw a plastic frok littered on the ground.
Stan let me in, and I went into the restroom to purge, then went and ate my In-N-out burgers.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I didn't suspect that that dream was an omen of what was to come that day. Our group traveled to San Francisco. Ramona, Ken and Jolene were in my van and Frangelica and Darnell drove the other van, following us. After crossing the Bay Bridge we made it into San Francisco (the part of the city with the McDonald's).
We took a restroom break, both the men and the women, at McDonald's. After we got out, we shopped around in a few stores.
David Squibb, a 46-year-old client, started a conversation with me. "You know that God died for us that we may have everlasting life?"
I quoted the verse from John about God's love for his only begotten son, to show David that I was familiar with the Christian stance on afterlife.
"Yes, it's true. I believe it."
David and I talked about hating people, the way I hate Bush. David said, "If you hate people, then you go to Hell. And I don't want to go to Hell." I forgot to ask David whether he would miss me if he spent his afterlife in Heaven.
David talked about his inability to get a girlfriend, and stated that he didn't know what to do. I told him that I had never been into dating. He told me that he had taken a girl to his junior prom and had sex with several girls at the time, back in the day of 1978.
"Did you have long hair?", I asked him.
"Yes, I did."
"Was your hair as long as mine?"
"Yes, as long as yours."
Then David asked me whether I wanted to go to his party that he was having in April.
"Is there going to be plastic silverware?"
"Yes, there is."
"I hate plastic silverware. Are you going to be serving up that food I hate? The one that begins with an I?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"The food that begins with an I and I hate it. The one they sell at Cold Stone."
"Yes, we're going to have ice xxxxx. You don't like ice xxxxx?"
"I hate it."
"We're going to have ice xxxxx, cake . . ."
"Do you like cake?"
"I like liqueur cake and pineapple upside-down cake."
"I don't want to go to your party". I don't like the kind of parties that serve up cake and ice xxxxx. What I like is the parties that have beer with pistachios, and weed, and . . . well, you get the idea.
I told Ramona and Darnell that I would have to purge.
"Didn't you already purge in McDonald's?"
"David said the I-word since then."
So they had Ken take me to the In-N-out Burger on that street. Ken walked me all around, but didn't see a restroom so he walked out.
I told Ramona and Darnell that Ken couldn't find the restroom, but he may have missed it. So Darnell took me through the In-N-out Burger, and he couldn't find it.
Finally, they got me a token and took me to the Subway.
I went inside the Subway restroom and found a nice, big stall. I purged off all the ice's with "adolice, adolice cradoleam, adolice cradoleam". Then I purged off the four ice xxxxx's, each with an "adolice cradoleam".
Finally I was done and I felt at peace. Then we walked out again, with Ramona and Darnell talking about buying food.
"I'm thinking of getting an ice xxxxx, something cold," said Darnell.
"Blechhh!", said you-know-who.
Darnell apologized. A little while later, I said I was having a bad day because Darnell had said the I-word.
"Well, I did apologize," said Darnell.
"But I still have to purge", I said.
The group walked to the van. Ramona said we'd be walking into a McDonald's and I could use their restroom.
Eventually we got to the McDonald's. I tried opening the restroom but one needed a token.
Ramona took me to the coin desk and got a token for me. I went in and started my purging ritual.
A man started to come in, then saw me. This was a restroom with only one toilet. I explained that I wasn't using the toilet, so he came in with me. When he was finished another man came in and I let him use the toilet too.
Then I felt a third person knocking at the door. It was a lady who worked for McDonald's. "You need to come out, she told me."
"He's still using it," one of the coaches explained to her.
So she left me alone. For a little while.
Then one McDonald's employee said, "He has to leave".
A coach spoke to her. "He's one of our clients. He's in there purging. Sorry about that."
Then a CIWP coach walked up to the restroom and told me "We're leaving."
I walked to where the group was seated at a table, and then headed out the door.
"Wait until you're done," said one of them.
"But you said we were leaving!", I objected.
Frangelica started laughing.
"Do you think that's funny?", I asked Frangelica.
"No, I was laughing at that guy we saw outside."
"I'm almost done," said Darnell. "When I'm done, I'll take you to the van."
The time passed and the group continued eating. I couldn't hold the I-word in very much longer. The I-word is a word that's hard to hold in. If I wait too long to purge I'll start thinking it in phrases that will be hard to purge off, and start spelling it in my head.
"Will you take me back to the van now, Darnell?", I asked him.
"I'm almost done. I'll take you when I've finished my hamburger."
"Two more bites?"
"Four more bites."
Then, Frangelica offered to take me. She walked with me, carrying her Green Day bag, all the way to our van. Taking the keys in her hand, she opened the side door.
"You sit in the back, right?"
"Right." I always sit in the leftmost seat in the back row so the coach won't see me purging.
Frangelica closed the door. I started purging. It felt so relaxing and heavenly to be able to purge that nasty I-word off at last.
I covered up my unbuttoned pants as Ramona, Jolene and Ken made it to the van. When everyone was in, I lifted my shirt off over my pants again.
Finally, I finished off purging off the I-word.
"Did you have a good day today?", I asked Jolene.
"I had a lousy one!," Jolene replied.
"So did I."